Son is lost and really stressed out
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Anonymous
| 20 year old son flunked out of college this past spring and came home depressed. He’s on a couple meds and seeing a therapist and seemed to be doing better but no job and no plans for the future. Now that all his friends are about to leave for college he’s freaking out and is too stressed out to think of what his future plans may be i.e. get a job, go to community college etc. I don’t know how to help him because I feel like it’s on him to figure out next steps. He really wants to return where he was, which was OOS, but that’s not possible given the current state of his mental health and his GPA is too low to transfer anywhere. He says he’s completely stuck. Any advice? He’s on some pretty heavy meds already and I suggested he bump up his therapy appts but otherwise I have nothing to offer and feel helpless. Thank you for suggestions on how to help turn things around. He feels being at home is just the worst thing in the world. |
Anonymous
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Is he suicidal? Has he been diagnosed with anything other than depression and anxiety? Why did he flunk out: are there underlying issues such as ADHD, autism, learning disorders or something else?
I'm glad he wants to return to college, OP, that's a very good sign. Will the college accept him back? It's important for his self-esteem that he get an undergrad degree. And if he cannot transfer to a local college where he could commute from home, I would do my utmost to ensure he can finish where he started. |
Anonymous
| Why are you letting him live at home and not pay rent, not work, and not go to school? |
Anonymous
| medical issues aside, you don't want him to go back to college and risk flunking out again. he needs to understand that there is no way to make up lost time. he needs to restart maybe at a comm college. |
Anonymous
| He cannot just sit there and languish. His depression will worsen. He needs to be productive either with work or community college or both. |
Anonymous
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As you can see, different posters have different suggestions. We don't know your son and can't tell from here what would be best for him. I think it depends on his state of anxiety or depression.
Having been there myself, with a severe anxiety and panic disorder, there were days when I just couldn't function. I couldn't eat, or sleep or do anything. Meds made me worse. I have never been able to tolerate any medication for anxiety. I don't know what I did to snap out of it, but I feel better now. I suspect, as a perimenopausal female, that it might have something to do with hormonal fluctuations that somehow, in my body, trigger a vulnerability in the anxiety department. First, if you haven't already done so, I would rule out any physical ailment. So many illnesses of the body can trigger extreme mood disorders. Thyroid and parathyroid disorders can do that, for example. Some deficiencies can exacerbate already existing mental health issues. He needs extended bloodwork, and you can be blunt with his doctors and tell them that you are looking for comprehensive testing to explore all possibilities, before focusing entirely on the mental aspect. I hope he gets better, OP! If I were you, I'd still insist on him finishing a degree. And since he wants to anyway, that's the path of least resistance anyway. |
Anonymous
Is it though? It doesn't sound like OP's son is mentally and physically able to do that at this point. |
Anonymous
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My daughter did this too. It’s not the end of the world. Tell him he has to register for community college classes, at least two or three. And get a part-time job immediately.
He has to keep making progress, and progress is different for everybody. It’s fine to make mistakes you just have to learn from them and do better. |
Anonymous
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He can live at home and go to school. Maybe get a part-time job too.
Some kids do better living at home for a while. I did. |
Anonymous
Completely lacking in compassion. OP, he says he's stuck -- so why do you say he needs to figure things out on his own? You are a team. The two of you will get through this together. Tell him that. Sit down and come up with a plan. Sit down again and see if it needs to change. Sit down again and see what baby steps he can start to take. Find an easy job he will enjoy while he tries to figure things out. ETC. The last thing you should be doing is telling someone who says he's stuck to deal with it himself. You're in this together. |
Anonymous
| OP here: we’re definitely a team and I obviously love him more than anything but he’s just resistant to any ideas I have to offer and just seems stuck on returning to where he was, which isn’t possible because the school won’t let him return because of his grades. I do think he needs to get a job and hopefully start at community college, which might be too late for this semester, but he can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I think he was depressed at school and I didn’t realize it so he’s likely been in this state for a while so not sure how long it will take to get out of it and how much I should push? |
Anonymous
Are any of his classes transferable to the local community college? How were his grades in high school? Mediocre, or great? I'm asking because if he didn't really do well with higher-level classes in high school, he might have underlying issues like dyslexia or ADHD. He might need a neuropsychological evaluation. |
Anonymous
| We did an eval. He has ADHD and that’s one of the underlying issues. Some of the classes would be transferable, probably a year’s worth. He needs more support by being at home. HS was a battle but doable. College has been rough and things have gotten worse. |
Anonymous
| I think asking him to take 2-3 community college classes is a good place to start. It’s a light course load and is moving him in the direction of his goal without being overwhelming. I don’t think it’s too late for community college enrollment but maybe do some research on his behalf so he has one less obstacle. Right now, the goal is progress - one step in front of the other. Even small steps move him in the right direction. Doing nothing is moving him backward. It’s good you’ve made sure he’s receiving therapy and meds. If he can’t register for classes for some reason, a part-time job is worth pursuing as it will offer some structure and confidence (even if he balks at first). DD’s close friend from HS dropped out freshman year and then lived at home and worked at an ice cream shop while she did therapy for depression. It was a slow process but at 22, she went back to school at a community college and did really well. She is on track to transfer to a 4 year college. She will finish college later than her friends but that’s ok. It’s not a race. |
Anonymous
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Op, Use the advising services at your school to determine if you are able to join a different program if you haven't already.
Even if you fail out of school most universities will allow you to reapply. Can he take online class to get his GPA up so he can return in Spring? |