Fair way to address housing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Do NOT buy a house with him before marriage
-Do NOT sell your house
-Do NOT add his name to your house
-Do NOT downgrade your lifestyle for a brokea**

I see so many red flags with this man. He sounds insecure about your wealth and would rather bring you down vs being lifted up. That's a major issue! Sounds like he will throw this in your face every chance he gets.

Since you own the house outright, what is his issue? Could he not just cover utilities and some groceries? He'd likely still be saving a ton more than renting elsewhere. It makes no sense.

If you do want to move in, I would find a renter for a 6month lease on your house and rent somewhere else with him. If/when you get married, have your house in a pre-nup.

Being a landlord is a PIA. Another option is to sell your house, put it in a brokerage account, and keep up completely separate if you ever get married. Add to the prenup that he's not entitled to the principal or interest in the brokerage.

If she owns the house outright she can easily hire a property management company, pay them 20% to deal w the renters, and still come out ahead.

That's an option but you will almost certainly be losing money every month after paying a property manager.

If she pays 20% to the property manager and the house is paid off she’s making 80%. Your math isn’t mathing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given how much real estate costs have shot up since covid, and where interest rates are, and the limited inventory available, i couldnt imagine selling a house that is paid off to appease an insecure boyfriend. If you have kids and need a bigger home, sure. Get a new job and need to move, sure. But you currently have a roof over your head that is completely paid off. That is incredible and I would think long and hard about selling it.

OP, if you were to sell your house today and purchase a similar one and the same area, how much more would it cost? Yes, you will make money selling your house, but what will you actually be able to afford?

This, +1

[Anonymous]

Pre nup

[Anonymous]

You have a completely paid off house and your boyfriend is complaining about the idea of having to pay half of taxes/maintenance costs? I can't imagine that those costs would be more than he's currently paying in rent, and he would be able to save the difference to one day buy a bigger/nicer house with you. That's totally different from his previous situation - he's not helping you build equity at his expense.

I beg you, DO NOT sell your paid off home to buy a WORSE home with an almost 7% interest rate. Especially with someone you are not married to and is "financially wiped out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Do NOT buy a house with him before marriage
-Do NOT sell your house
-Do NOT add his name to your house
-Do NOT downgrade your lifestyle for a brokea**

I see so many red flags with this man. He sounds insecure about your wealth and would rather bring you down vs being lifted up. That's a major issue! Sounds like he will throw this in your face every chance he gets.

Since you own the house outright, what is his issue? Could he not just cover utilities and some groceries? He'd likely still be saving a ton more than renting elsewhere. It makes no sense.

If you do want to move in, I would find a renter for a 6month lease on your house and rent somewhere else with him. If/when you get married, have your house in a pre-nup.

Being a landlord is a PIA. Another option is to sell your house, put it in a brokerage account, and keep up completely separate if you ever get married. Add to the prenup that he's not entitled to the principal or interest in the brokerage.

If she owns the house outright she can easily hire a property management company, pay them 20% to deal w the renters, and still come out ahead.

Typical property management is 10% gross income. 15% for the high end. Anyone paying 20% is being taken for a long ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Do NOT buy a house with him before marriage
-Do NOT sell your house
-Do NOT add his name to your house
-Do NOT downgrade your lifestyle for a brokea**

I see so many red flags with this man. He sounds insecure about your wealth and would rather bring you down vs being lifted up. That's a major issue! Sounds like he will throw this in your face every chance he gets.

Since you own the house outright, what is his issue? Could he not just cover utilities and some groceries? He'd likely still be saving a ton more than renting elsewhere. It makes no sense.

If you do want to move in, I would find a renter for a 6month lease on your house and rent somewhere else with him. If/when you get married, have your house in a pre-nup.

Being a landlord is a PIA. Another option is to sell your house, put it in a brokerage account, and keep up completely separate if you ever get married. Add to the prenup that he's not entitled to the principal or interest in the brokerage.

If she owns the house outright she can easily hire a property management company, pay them 20% to deal w the renters, and still come out ahead.

Typical property management is 10% gross income. 15% for the high end. Anyone paying 20% is being taken for a long ride.

Missed the point entirely, but cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your position, but from his position, if he moves in with you, then he is essentially paying rent that helps you build equity in your home. That isn't fair to him.

I don’t agree with this. If OP is paying the mortgage currently and continues to pay the mortgage, the amount her fiancé is paying towards rent now can go into a joint account to pay for the wedding or towards a saving account for a down payment for a bigger home that they can look for after they are married. They can also figure out if it makes sense to rent OP’s current home once they but a new home post marriage. One of my biggest financial regrets is that I didn’t keep my townhome and rent it out like my parents advised me. Yes, being a landlord would have been work but the appreciation in value would have covered the cost of my kid’s college or been an amazing boost to retirement savings.

If they end up not getting married, the amount in the joint savings should cover any financial obligations for wedding costs and some can be used for the ex-fiancé to put a down payment on their own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with more info. When he was younger my boyfriend got a house with his then girlfriend. It was in her name only, but he paid most of the cost for several years. When they split he got nothing. She now rents the property out for large profit.

I’m not looking for either of us to be taken advantage of in the situation. I love my boyfriend and fully expect us to marry. We just need to figure this part out. I’m thinking tenants in common may be the solution.

This is a different situation. I can’t tell if your boyfriend is saying that he was paying more than he would have to rent an apartment to help his ex-girlfriend pay for a house she could not afford on her own at the expense of his savings or he was paying less than he would have to rent an apartment but is pissed he isn’t getting the equity/investment. But either way you own it on your own and don’t need him to pay for it so I don’t see why he should be added to the title or you make a bad financial decision to soothe his ego for what happened in a prior relationship.

I am the PP that suggested some portion of what he would pay in rent should be saved towards wedding and or downpayment for the post marriage home so he is putting money towards things that directly benefit him and the two of you as a couple. While he is living rent free he should be paying the utilities and groceries etc. so you are both getting a financial benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given how much real estate costs have shot up since covid, and where interest rates are, and the limited inventory available, i couldnt imagine selling a house that is paid off to appease an insecure boyfriend. If you have kids and need a bigger home, sure. Get a new job and need to move, sure. But you currently have a roof over your head that is completely paid off. That is incredible and I would think long and hard about selling it.

OP, if you were to sell your house today and purchase a similar one and the same area, how much more would it cost? Yes, you will make money selling your house, but what will you actually be able to afford?

+1000000. Assuming that he wants to finance his half of the new house and have OP be jointly liable for that debt, it’s just idiotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your position, but from his position, if he moves in with you, then he is essentially paying rent that helps you build equity in your home. That isn't fair to him.

I don’t agree with this. If OP is paying the mortgage currently and continues to pay the mortgage, the amount her fiancé is paying towards rent now can go into a joint account to pay for the wedding or towards a saving account for a down payment for a bigger home that they can look for after they are married. They can also figure out if it makes sense to rent OP’s current home once they but a new home post marriage. One of my biggest financial regrets is that I didn’t keep my townhome and rent it out like my parents advised me. Yes, being a landlord would have been work but the appreciation in value would have covered the cost of my kid’s college or been an amazing boost to retirement savings.

If they end up not getting married, the amount in the joint savings should cover any financial obligations for wedding costs and some can be used for the ex-fiancé to put a down payment on their own place.

She says she owns the house outright. So his issue, to the extent he has a legitimate one, would be that “but for me moving into your house, I would have been putting my housing money into my own home and building equity.” I think the answer to that is some kind of agreement where he gets a share of the equity based on his contributions to the housing costs. This is how the law in an equitable division state would handle in in a divorce, so you could try to replicate it if you are not married.

But based on this guy’s dumb idea that he is going to make her sell the house and then they will buy a worse house together, it really sounds like he is trying to get title over her assets that she built before meeting him. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your position, but from his position, if he moves in with you, then he is essentially paying rent that helps you build equity in your home. That isn't fair to him.

I don’t agree with this. If OP is paying the mortgage currently and continues to pay the mortgage, the amount her fiancé is paying towards rent now can go into a joint account to pay for the wedding or towards a saving account for a down payment for a bigger home that they can look for after they are married. They can also figure out if it makes sense to rent OP’s current home once they but a new home post marriage. One of my biggest financial regrets is that I didn’t keep my townhome and rent it out like my parents advised me. Yes, being a landlord would have been work but the appreciation in value would have covered the cost of my kid’s college or been an amazing boost to retirement savings.

If they end up not getting married, the amount in the joint savings should cover any financial obligations for wedding costs and some can be used for the ex-fiancé to put a down payment on their own place.

She says she owns the house outright. So his issue, to the extent he has a legitimate one, would be that “but for me moving into your house, I would have been putting my housing money into my own home and building equity.” I think the answer to that is some kind of agreement where he gets a share of the equity based on his contributions to the housing costs. This is how the law in an equitable division state would handle in in a divorce, so you could try to replicate it if you are not married.

But based on this guy’s dumb idea that he is going to make her sell the house and then they will buy a worse house together, it really sounds like he is trying to get title over her assets that she built before meeting him. Yuck.

I get that’s, but that would be an issue in any relationship where the other person already owns property and you are thinking about getting married. I would say, first if he truly has the money to buy his own property, why hasn’t he done it yet on his own? People typically date for 1-3 years before getting engaged and another 1-2 years for the wedding - you shouldn’t put off getting a house till year 5 if you want to build home equity because you might be getting married someday or feel pressured into purchasing with someone you aren’t married to. If he has enough to buy now, make a smart choice on something that could be rented out later if needed. If he really doesn’t have enough to buy on his own, which is honestly what it sounds like, and really needs combined purchasing power, he can use what he is saving by moving in with OP to build a bigger down payment amount either for his own property or the post wedding home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your position, but from his position, if he moves in with you, then he is essentially paying rent that helps you build equity in your home. That isn't fair to him.

I don’t agree with this. If OP is paying the mortgage currently and continues to pay the mortgage, the amount her fiancé is paying towards rent now can go into a joint account to pay for the wedding or towards a saving account for a down payment for a bigger home that they can look for after they are married. They can also figure out if it makes sense to rent OP’s current home once they but a new home post marriage. One of my biggest financial regrets is that I didn’t keep my townhome and rent it out like my parents advised me. Yes, being a landlord would have been work but the appreciation in value would have covered the cost of my kid’s college or been an amazing boost to retirement savings.

If they end up not getting married, the amount in the joint savings should cover any financial obligations for wedding costs and some can be used for the ex-fiancé to put a down payment on their own place.

It makes her his landlord, which is weird. If he were a man, he wouldn't be expected to charge rent. He should split utilities and she should cover the rest.

If they get married, they should start on equal footing for the new place if she's not comfortable contributing equity. If that means a downgrade, so be it.

[Anonymous]

I would never downgrade any aspect of my life for a man, especially my home.

This man sounds like he’s terrible with money and financials. Sounds like he has very little savings and probably no investments. Do you know what his debts are?

It would be a mistake to marry a financially unstable man like this, that expects and has asked you to downgrade your hard-earned lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Do you or this man have children? Do you expect to have any children together in the future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your position, but from his position, if he moves in with you, then he is essentially paying rent that helps you build equity in your home. That isn't fair to him.

I don’t agree with this. If OP is paying the mortgage currently and continues to pay the mortgage, the amount her fiancé is paying towards rent now can go into a joint account to pay for the wedding or towards a saving account for a down payment for a bigger home that they can look for after they are married. They can also figure out if it makes sense to rent OP’s current home once they but a new home post marriage. One of my biggest financial regrets is that I didn’t keep my townhome and rent it out like my parents advised me. Yes, being a landlord would have been work but the appreciation in value would have covered the cost of my kid’s college or been an amazing boost to retirement savings.

If they end up not getting married, the amount in the joint savings should cover any financial obligations for wedding costs and some can be used for the ex-fiancé to put a down payment on their own place.

It makes her his landlord, which is weird. If he were a man, he wouldn't be expected to charge rent. He should split utilities and she should cover the rest.

If they get married, they should start on equal footing for the new place if she's not comfortable contributing equity. If that means a downgrade, so be it.

No she should not downgrade her financial life to be on “equal footing” with her irrational spouse. If he wants home equity he can ask for an arrangement where he gets equity in her house proportional to what he puts into it.