Fair way to address housing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy sounds like a loser. Instead of asking you to downgrade to match him, he should be up-leveling to meet you at your level. You will compromise and downgrade every aspect of your life if you stay with him.

OP, unfortunately I agree with this person.

I married someone who was not on equal financial footing and it set the stage for YEARS of resentment.

And I say that as someone who didn't and doesn't have money (think $85k in DC when I bought my first place, still in low $100s). He had been married and didn't have any savings.

I bought a place when we were dating and "hoped to get married," like you. I bought my home under my name only and he moved in.

He resented it -- now he's my ex and still mentions it when he gets mad LOL. He felt like he should have been on the title even though we weren't married or engaged. Sorry, kiddo.

You will downgrade your life to meet his abilities and his sensitivities and it sucks. I promise you.

So (1) don't move in with him before you are engaged, (2) don't move forward until he's worked through his sensitivities and trauma, (3) if he does move in, have him sign a lease as a tenant, (4) don't ever buy something with him without being married and make sure you have a prenup to protect your equity.

He's going to cause you heartache, I'm sorry to say. I say this from experience. At least set things up legally so that you maintain your equity if you decide to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Don't mingle assets. Buy a new house if you want one, and have him pay rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy sounds like a loser. Instead of asking you to downgrade to match him, he should be up-leveling to meet you at your level. You will compromise and downgrade every aspect of your life if you stay with him.

Yup, +1. He wont be happy until you're in the gutter with him.

[Anonymous]

OP here with more info. When he was younger my boyfriend got a house with his then girlfriend. It was in her name only, but he paid most of the cost for several years. When they split he got nothing. She now rents the property out for large profit.

I’m not looking for either of us to be taken advantage of in the situation. I love my boyfriend and fully expect us to marry. We just need to figure this part out. I’m thinking tenants in common may be the solution.

[Anonymous]

OP - why can't you just rent out your house to someone for a year? And rent an apartment with him 50/50 to see if you actually enjoy living with him full time. That would allow you to avoid the new house ownership related risks and expenses and not to be too tied up to housing. After of couple years of cohabiting get married and move in together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I are hoping to move in together soon. We plan to marry in the future. I currently own my home and he rents.

He is was in a previous relationship where he was wiped out financially and is very cautious about how to mingle assets moving forward.

I would like him to move into my place, but he says he doesn’t want to because I own it without him. He’d like us to buy a new place together. However, I have more money than him, so if we get a new place together, I’d have to downgrade to keep it 50/50. Any thoughts on a fair way to navigate this?

Tell him that will have to wait.

In the meantime, you could say he could pay the utilities, and you pay the property tax and insurance. That would be a fair and equitable split.

If he wants his name on your property, BIG RED FLAG. I say this as a trad type woman also, not a feminist by any means.

You can both save money (equal amount each month) to buy a place together AFTER you get married. Also, you KEEP your current house and rent it out for extra income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some additional info. I own my house outright, no mortgage. I still have to pay utilities, tax, and maintenance of course.

He has some savings for a down payment. I don’t know how much we didn’t go into details on that. He had a decent job and earns a little less than me. However, my earnings are maxed out for what I do, and his will likely go up a lot more and surpass me in a few years.

He wants to pay the same amount he currently pays in rent to any house we buy together as his half, but that would require us to downgrade from what I currently own outright.

Check out my previous post about waiting to purchase a house and saving money for it in the meantime.

Whatever you do, DO NOT sell your place. Keep it. It's paid off and will only make you more money and build equity.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to move in with you, but let him pay less rent than he's paying now. So you both are benefiting from the situation without him feeling like you're using him to pay your mortgage. But also, keep this shit separate for awhile. Don't give him anything of yours for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You're not even engaged.

[Anonymous]

-Do NOT buy a house with him before marriage
-Do NOT sell your house
-Do NOT add his name to your house
-Do NOT downgrade your lifestyle for a brokea**

I see so many red flags with this man. He sounds insecure about your wealth and would rather bring you down vs being lifted up. That's a major issue! Sounds like he will throw this in your face every chance he gets.

Since you own the house outright, what is his issue? Could he not just cover utilities and some groceries? He'd likely still be saving a ton more than renting elsewhere. It makes no sense.

If you do want to move in, I would find a renter for a 6month lease on your house and rent somewhere else with him. If/when you get married, have your house in a pre-nup.

[Anonymous]

DCUM Relationships is staying on-brand with its inevitable advice "break up with him" or "divorce him".

[Anonymous]

Put his name on the house.

[Anonymous]

You can just buy the house share you can each afford. You can put in 75% and he puts 25%. Write and agreement that if you sell, you each take out a similar percentage.

But I agree that he sounds a little cautious about everything. This may not be right time to buy and commit to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with more info. When he was younger my boyfriend got a house with his then girlfriend. It was in her name only, but he paid most of the cost for several years. When they split he got nothing. She now rents the property out for large profit.

I’m not looking for either of us to be taken advantage of in the situation. I love my boyfriend and fully expect us to marry. We just need to figure this part out. I’m thinking tenants in common may be the solution.

Why was the house in her name only? Do you mean he wasnt on the title, or not on the mortgage, or both?

This seems fishy to me as someone who has owned multiple houses, both on my own and with my exh. The only time we owned a home that in any way wasnt “in my name” it was the mortgage that was in his name only bc my credit was absolute crap. But my name was still on the title, I went to the closing, etc. I was also listed as a “party of interest” or something like that on the mortgage paperwork since I was on the title. Its been a minute since this happened so I dont remember the details.

You need more info re how and why his name wasnt on his alleged house. Did he not qualify for a mortgage? Did he have other financial commitments that kept him from being able to contribute to the down payment? Or did he just move in with her after she bought the house and felt somehow like he was entitled to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put his name on the house.

Absolutely do not put a boyfriends name on your paid off home.