I think I want to quit working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

[Anonymous]

I would find a way to work part-time or pivot to a different type of role. Shake it up - but don’t quit. You still have debt and $220k may feel like a lot in flyover country but it’s not going to be when you are staring down college costs for 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t just take on the pressure to be the sole breadwinner but he takes on all financial responsibility for debt and bills and college and savings and retirement and medical / health and all expenses and spending to meet the wants and needs of everyone in the family.

You give up independence and change to be taken care of / looked after as you abdicate all financial responsibility for yourself and the family you created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

Of course the woman benefits or she wouldn’t do it. She benefits in many ways. And yes women realize they are vulnerable but that is part of doing it, they want to be taken care of and to be dependent on a man. This isn’t something happening to them, women are competent adults who make the active and informed choice to not work and to stay home because of the benefits for them.

[Anonymous]

Aren’t people taught to follow the golden rule anymore? Put yourself in your husband’s shoes, and ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse proposed this. If you yourself would not be thrilled, then you have your answer. (Do unto others….)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

Of course the woman benefits or she wouldn’t do it. She benefits in many ways. And yes women realize they are vulnerable but that is part of doing it, they want to be taken care of and to be dependent on a man. This isn’t something happening to them, women are competent adults who make the active and informed choice to not work and to stay home because of the benefits for them.

“She benefits in many ways” - didn’t name one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t people taught to follow the golden rule anymore? Put yourself in your husband’s shoes, and ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse proposed this. If you yourself would not be thrilled, then you have your answer. (Do unto others….)

Men and women are different—hunter/gatherer and all of that. I would be offended if he wanted me to work so he can stay home and nurture our young children. He derives satisfaction from financially providing for us and I derive satisfaction from nurturing our kids, cooking, and running a house. So, no, do unto others doesn’t apply to us because we are fundamentally different. It’s fine if you prefer a more egalitarian set of roles, but for us, the traditional setup works quite well (ftr, no surprises here—he was clear when we were dating he wanted me to stay home—I wanted the same. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and said, yippee, no more work for me! Staying home was always our plan.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You left out the most important thing here, which is whether your husband is on the same page as you or whether this is some kind of unilateral decision you are making.

FWIW if you were my spouse, I would not support this. I would expect you to suck it up. Why take a 6-figure hit to our income?

+1 you have college loans.

If you wanted to be able to quit once you had kids, you shouldn't have taken out loans. Sure, that's in hindsight, but you made the choice to take out loans.

FWIW, I am completely disillusioned with corporate America, but went back to work after the kids were born because I wanted to be able to save for retirement and college. I did take a total of 2 years off with two kids, but I also saved a lot before I did it.

I was fortunate to be able to get back into the workforce earning six figures due to my network and being a top performer, but it has still mommy tracked me, which I am ok with since I hate the corporate world.

I will be retiring in two years, at 57. Youngest will be off to college, with a fully funded 529 for in state.

If it's just about being disillusioned at work, you just have to suck it up. If it's because you are stressed out with childcare/housechores, hire help.

Or, she can raise their children and then go to work when the kids are in college. It is pretty depressing reading the posts here. Total focus on money, rather than happiness for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

You have a very limited view of your own identity (not to mention, marriage).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t just take on the pressure to be the sole breadwinner but he takes on all financial responsibility for debt and bills and college and savings and retirement and medical / health and all expenses and spending to meet the wants and needs of everyone in the family.

You give up independence and change to be taken care of / looked after as you abdicate all financial responsibility for yourself and the family you created.

While I work and I do think it’s risky to put all the financial responsibility on the DH, I disagree that SAHM are abdicating all financial responsibility and seek to be cared for. My neighbors who SAH carry more than their “share” of family responsibility. I have friends whose DHs are on call, or travel, or work crazy hours at all times. And they make enough to cover the financial responsibilities. It wouldn’t make sense for both parents to work. The DW picks up everything else.

It doesn’t sound like the OP is in this situation though. The DH in this scenario isn’t quite able to cover everything fully. It would be a risky choice. I live in flyover country and, where we live, $220 isn’t significant in any way.

[Anonymous]

Do what you want and what’s good for your family, period. You can change your mind later. End of story.

I’m a FT working mom of teens. At different points, due to job loss, I stayed home. I was mostly bored and restless. But now I hate my job/org and feel stuck here for a while to fully vest in my pension… so, pick a lane, but you can switch as it suits you. Try not to judge others for their choices! Some people can never have enough money or enough stuff. I’m not like that— I’m forever in search of the Goldilocks ideal, just right.

[Anonymous]

If you have debt and a lack of savings, this is not the time to quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

Of course the woman benefits or she wouldn’t do it. She benefits in many ways. And yes women realize they are vulnerable but that is part of doing it, they want to be taken care of and to be dependent on a man. This isn’t something happening to them, women are competent adults who make the active and informed choice to not work and to stay home because of the benefits for them.

“She benefits in many ways” - didn’t name one

DP. Benefits: gets more sleep, more time to exercise, more time to socialize, can be more involved in kids’ activities and school, feel less stressed. It’s up to each individual to decide if the benefits are worth the drawbacks.
I have both WOH and SAH. I look back a pictures of all the activities I took my kids to when they were young, and I’m grateful for that. OTOH I’m behind many of my peers in earnings now that I’ve gone back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t people taught to follow the golden rule anymore? Put yourself in your husband’s shoes, and ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse proposed this. If you yourself would not be thrilled, then you have your answer. (Do unto others….)

Men and women are different—hunter/gatherer and all of that. I would be offended if he wanted me to work so he can stay home and nurture our young children. He derives satisfaction from financially providing for us and I derive satisfaction from nurturing our kids, cooking, and running a house. So, no, do unto others doesn’t apply to us because we are fundamentally different. It’s fine if you prefer a more egalitarian set of roles, but for us, the traditional setup works quite well (ftr, no surprises here—he was clear when we were dating he wanted me to stay home—I wanted the same. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and said, yippee, no more work for me! Staying home was always our plan.)

NP What kind of neanderthal did you marry? This wasn't the life I wanted. DH and I both make the same amount, we both equally nurture our children. The only fundamental difference is that I was pregnant and he couldn't do that.

My dh was clear from when we started dating that he wanted his wife to work and he didn't want a one sided marriage where the woman stays home. He wanted to be there for his family and wanted to be able to eat dinner nightly at 6, coach the kids' teams. We both make good money (200k each) but it's not enough for either of us to stay at home. Part time work doesn't exist for either of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You left out the most important thing here, which is whether your husband is on the same page as you or whether this is some kind of unilateral decision you are making.

FWIW if you were my spouse, I would not support this. I would expect you to suck it up. Why take a 6-figure hit to our income?

+1 you have college loans.

If you wanted to be able to quit once you had kids, you shouldn't have taken out loans. Sure, that's in hindsight, but you made the choice to take out loans.

FWIW, I am completely disillusioned with corporate America, but went back to work after the kids were born because I wanted to be able to save for retirement and college. I did take a total of 2 years off with two kids, but I also saved a lot before I did it.

I was fortunate to be able to get back into the workforce earning six figures due to my network and being a top performer, but it has still mommy tracked me, which I am ok with since I hate the corporate world.

I will be retiring in two years, at 57. Youngest will be off to college, with a fully funded 529 for in state.

If it's just about being disillusioned at work, you just have to suck it up. If it's because you are stressed out with childcare/housechores, hire help.

Or, she can raise their children and then go to work when the kids are in college. It is pretty depressing reading the posts here. Total focus on money, rather than happiness for the whole family.

Are you joking ? When a person leaves the workforce for 10+ years, it is not easy to get back to doing what you were doing before, for the same pay. She would have to start at the very bottom, almost like entry level.

Life is expensive. If that is depressing to you then get some meds.

I have a senior in HS and a college student. College is very expensive, even in state, some of which are raising costs this year. College costs far outpaces inflation.

OP also still has loans. So, unless OP expects her kid to pay their own way in college and get lots of loans like she did, she needs to continue working in some capacity.

Not to mention retirement, and how expensive that is.