I think I want to quit working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have debt and a lack of savings, this is not the time to quit.

+1 exactly. This is so irresponsible and crazy. It's one thing to quit if you have no other loans than your mortgage, and college/retirement saved, but to quit now with loans, little college/retirement savings for yourself, it's the height of irresponsibility.

This is why people don't have more than 1 or 2 kids, though. It is tough to have all that and raise kids. So, while I totally understand OP (I quit for 2 years total), I didn't have any college loans, and I had saved some money so that I could quit.

I am super glad I went back to work because not only are the kids college accounts full funded for in state, our retirement accounts are pretty healthy such that we can retire before 60, which I will be doing. DH is already retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

Of course the woman benefits or she wouldn’t do it. She benefits in many ways. And yes women realize they are vulnerable but that is part of doing it, they want to be taken care of and to be dependent on a man. This isn’t something happening to them, women are competent adults who make the active and informed choice to not work and to stay home because of the benefits for them.

“She benefits in many ways” - didn’t name one

First PP here. It’s a lot less stressful not having to worry about a boss, work deadlines and meetings, RTO, taking time off for kids events and sick days, not needing to spend evenings and weekends doing household tasks.

If the single earner makes enough and is not a d*ckhead, it can actually be a very nice life. I can spend what I want and I also have housecleaners so I am not doing the big cleans, just the day to day maintenance.

I really depends on the income, the spending priorities, and the attitudes of both parents towards the situation.

[Anonymous]

Individuals are different. Marriages are different. Needs of family are different. Career demands are different. Financial conditions are different. Social support networks are different. Goals and values are different. Physical and mental health needs are different.

One size doesn't fit all. Do what works well for you and when a change is required, pivot. Don't listen to people who bash other people's choices, life isn't black and white where work is good and home is bad or vice versa. These are just options with different give and takes. No one is having it all unless very lucky and wealthy, others are picking whichever choice has more pros and less cons for their family.

For everyone else, pay off your debts before you have kids so you've more flexibility in life. Send your kids to community colleges or wherever aid or merit is highest so they can avoid debt and have more financial flexibility in life. You don't need to ruin their childhood with parental stress to earn for their college. They can be successful from any college and unsuccessful from most expensive colleges. Mental health is more important than success level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Individuals are different. Marriages are different. Needs of family are different. Career demands are different. Financial conditions are different. Social support networks are different. Goals and values are different. Physical and mental health needs are different.

One size doesn't fit all. Do what works well for you and when a change is required, pivot. Don't listen to people who bash other people's choices, life isn't black and white where work is good and home is bad or vice versa. These are just options with different give and takes. No one is having it all unless very lucky and wealthy, others are picking whichever choice has more pros and less cons for their family.

For everyone else, pay off your debts before you have kids so you've more flexibility in life. Send your kids to community colleges or wherever aid or merit is highest so they can avoid debt and have more financial flexibility in life. You don't need to ruin their childhood with parental stress to earn for their college. They can be successful from any college and unsuccessful from most expensive colleges. Mental health is more important than success level.

Your HSer will think, "Why do I have to go to community college because my mom decided to stop working?". That may not be right, but it will suck for the college bound kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You left out the most important thing here, which is whether your husband is on the same page as you or whether this is some kind of unilateral decision you are making.

FWIW if you were my spouse, I would not support this. I would expect you to suck it up. Why take a 6-figure hit to our income?

+1 you have college loans.

If you wanted to be able to quit once you had kids, you shouldn't have taken out loans. Sure, that's in hindsight, but you made the choice to take out loans.

FWIW, I am completely disillusioned with corporate America, but went back to work after the kids were born because I wanted to be able to save for retirement and college. I did take a total of 2 years off with two kids, but I also saved a lot before I did it.

I was fortunate to be able to get back into the workforce earning six figures due to my network and being a top performer, but it has still mommy tracked me, which I am ok with since I hate the corporate world.

I will be retiring in two years, at 57. Youngest will be off to college, with a fully funded 529 for in state.

If it's just about being disillusioned at work, you just have to suck it up. If it's because you are stressed out with childcare/housechores, hire help.

How do you suck it up? This sounds ridiculous but I feel physically ill when I think about work. I do a good job and don’t have any problems, I just hate it.

I do too! That's life. You suck it up by doing things outside of work that you look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Individuals are different. Marriages are different. Needs of family are different. Career demands are different. Financial conditions are different. Social support networks are different. Goals and values are different. Physical and mental health needs are different.

One size doesn't fit all. Do what works well for you and when a change is required, pivot. Don't listen to people who bash other people's choices, life isn't black and white where work is good and home is bad or vice versa. These are just options with different give and takes. No one is having it all unless very lucky and wealthy, others are picking whichever choice has more pros and less cons for their family.

For everyone else, pay off your debts before you have kids so you've more flexibility in life. Send your kids to community colleges or wherever aid or merit is highest so they can avoid debt and have more financial flexibility in life. You don't need to ruin their childhood with parental stress to earn for their college. They can be successful from any college and unsuccessful from most expensive colleges. Mental health is more important than success level.

Your HSer will think, "Why do I have to go to community college because my mom decided to stop working?". That may not be right, but it will suck for the college bound kid.

Most of the SAHMs I know are not having to make these kinds of concessions, but this board loves to bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

Of course the woman benefits or she wouldn’t do it. She benefits in many ways. And yes women realize they are vulnerable but that is part of doing it, they want to be taken care of and to be dependent on a man. This isn’t something happening to them, women are competent adults who make the active and informed choice to not work and to stay home because of the benefits for them.

“She benefits in many ways” - didn’t name one

She gets to be at home with the kids, once they are in school, she has 6 hours a day to do as she wants and to have time for herself, she doesn’t have to provide for herself or her kids, she gets an all inclusive trip through life - has no responsibility for mortgage, any household expenses for self or the kids, or debt, or buying necessities, or cars or vacations or anything else that costs money - she benefits from saving for retirement or college without contributing to these. If she didn’t think there would be major benefits to her, she wouldn’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Individuals are different. Marriages are different. Needs of family are different. Career demands are different. Financial conditions are different. Social support networks are different. Goals and values are different. Physical and mental health needs are different.

One size doesn't fit all. Do what works well for you and when a change is required, pivot. Don't listen to people who bash other people's choices, life isn't black and white where work is good and home is bad or vice versa. These are just options with different give and takes. No one is having it all unless very lucky and wealthy, others are picking whichever choice has more pros and less cons for their family.

For everyone else, pay off your debts before you have kids so you've more flexibility in life. Send your kids to community colleges or wherever aid or merit is highest so they can avoid debt and have more financial flexibility in life. You don't need to ruin their childhood with parental stress to earn for their college. They can be successful from any college and unsuccessful from most expensive colleges. Mental health is more important than success level.

Your HSer will think, "Why do I have to go to community college because my mom decided to stop working?". That may not be right, but it will suck for the college bound kid.

First, community colleges have evolved and make it easier to get into schools you otherwise can't, second your HSer can get merit scholarship if he is working well in school. Third, even by churning in corporate mill and paying for overpriced college, they may still not be happy or grateful. You can't ruin your life, marriage and their upbringing, all to pay for a college they prefer. They are free to take debt or earn merit for their want.

[Anonymous]

Most top schools have generous aid for family income below $200k so unless you are earning really high, you are only working for the privilege of paying colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

Of course the woman benefits or she wouldn’t do it. She benefits in many ways. And yes women realize they are vulnerable but that is part of doing it, they want to be taken care of and to be dependent on a man. This isn’t something happening to them, women are competent adults who make the active and informed choice to not work and to stay home because of the benefits for them.

“She benefits in many ways” - didn’t name one

She gets to be at home with the kids, once they are in school, she has 6 hours a day to do as she wants and to have time for herself, she doesn’t have to provide for herself or her kids, she gets an all inclusive trip through life - has no responsibility for mortgage, any household expenses for self or the kids, or debt, or buying necessities, or cars or vacations or anything else that costs money - she benefits from saving for retirement or college without contributing to these. If she didn’t think there would be major benefits to her, she wouldn’t do it.

Who is she and why you are simultaneously envying and judging her?

[Anonymous]

In our society, you've to work or at least run a "business" or start a "charity" to justify your existence so OP you need to understand that you'll not be able to "not work" even if you have enough money. Also, there is always a question of divorce or death. Only do it if you feel like your marriage is stable, his income is stable and he has enough disability issurance.

[Anonymous]

Another issue is chores, parenting, house/finance management, driving etc., you'll have to do it all and people would still ask you, 'What do you do all day?'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another issue is chores, parenting, house/finance management, driving etc., you'll have to do it all and people would still ask you, 'What do you do all day?'.

Literally no one asks this. I’ve been at home 17 years. We discuss the same things as all other parents - the kids, our husbands, our own extended families, travel, pets, general life trials, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids. I work part time from home making a little more than half of what you earn. It’s less about what you make than how you spend. Spouse and I are on same page about cheapest house in a good neighborhood, not renovating unless it’s actually broken, driving around 10 year old cars, shopping at Aldi and giant and rare vacations where we stay at the Hampton inn. If you and spouse are same it’s a great life I wouldn’t trade my time with my kids for anything!

But I think part time work is still important to keep your foot in the door and make sure you both have a back up plan in case spouses job goes crazy. Plus I’m not that into homemaking and like to have some money for cleaning helpers.

Here’s a plan for you: keep working but live off one income for a year or two and throw that extra money at the student loans. They should basically be wiped out at the end and you will see what it feels like to sacrifice to live off one income. Then you have some wiggle room to step down into less work. But that may mean downsizing to a townhouse, for instance. For me it would be worth it but your family has to be on board.

[Anonymous]

I am with you, OP. You should quit for your peace of mind, to focus on your kids and family, to focus on your health. There are huge rewards for the whole family if you have the benefit of having an educated SAHM.

BUT - Finances are a big consideration. Becoming a SAHM should not make your family financially poor. What do I mean by that? College, retirement, housing, security, medical care, healthy food, academic assistance - should not be jeopardized if you quit.

Here is my anecdata of how I was able to become a SAHM without taking too much hit financially.

- No student debt. No consumer debt except mortgage.
- New, spacious SFH in an inexpensive neighborhood. Low rate of mortgage. (downside was long commute for DH, and not that great public schools)
- No private schools. Kids went to magnet publics based on their academic performance in entrance tests.
- Only 2 kids with gap of 5 years. No SN. No pets.
- Saved one salary before kids. Always lived, saved, invested on DH's salary. Mine was untouched and invested.
- No pre-nup. All assets held jointly. DH got boatload of term life insurance for himself so that we would be financially in a good position if something happened to him.
- No addiction, adultery, abuse scenario. Happy and functional family life.
- Lived frugally for our income but put in money for service providers to make life easy for us - cleaners, lawn mowing person.
- Cook at home, tutored my children at home, no luxury vacations for several years when kids were young.