Painful Day- stepmother cut me off from declining father today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s ok to let go. This is just another abuse example of your father’s abuse. It may or may not be him directly this time but he’s chosen stepmother and his life with her. If you need to find him and say your goodbyes then do that. Please get back into therapy.

You are right. I recognize that if my father had simply told his wife No, I’m not going to choose. I will be your husband and my daughter’s father, the whole story would be different. He’s responsible for those choices, just as he is for the rest of his family that he cut off. A lot of the thread has focused on SM’s actions, but I recognize my father’s responsibility. And I definitely need to get back into therapy.

At least you have the right mindset, OP. I know this hurts a lot, but with your clarity on this matter, you will be able to heal quicker. Wishing you the best.

Thank you ❤️

To the PP about the adult protective services, I think one of his cousins is planning to do that. If not, H or I can do that. I think he’s probably somewhere “adequate,” but not somewhere that provides enlightened ALZ care or whatever it is that would actually benefit him. He can afford excellent care; I don’t think SM would put him in a total shi*hole because that would embarrass her, but I don’t think she would select the best either.

Tbh, it won’t really matter.

Try to shift your focus from the drama of the day to his lifelong abuse of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry.

My father's wife also succeeded in cutting me off from my dad. I am 44 and haven't seen him since I was 26, and it still causes me so much pain. On Christmas, I kept checking my email over and over, hoping he would reach out (I don't even have his phone number).

It hurts so much, I know. I don't know why some women behave like these "stepmothers", but I have met multiple people in similar situations over the years. I suspect these women have their eyes on our fathers' $$$ at heart.

You, like OP, need to be in therapy to come to terms with your father’s abuse of you. SM is only a proxy.

I hope you don’t have kids, your choice re self harm on a major holiday is troubling. His abuse of you started before 26. Please seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

There is no question his physical health was deteriorating. My father became more and more sedentary after the marriage to SM, who is not active at all. She discouraged him from activities that she didn’t participate in- hiking, golf, walking, going to the gym. He gained a lot of weight and spent much more time at home. She also kept tons of not great food around. So his aging was exacerbated for sure. His cholesterol was through the roof, he was pre-diabetic, and he had typical aging things- prostate cancer, some hearing loss, etc. Cognitively I wasn’t seeing decline, but definitely less stimulation. He was still very engaged with astronomy and his nature cams (they back up to public lands so he could do a lot of wildlife watching from home). He was reading less but was still reading science journals. It seemed like a normal slow down.

For PP’s saying I wasn’t there to help, outside of a short time when I took a break, I have always been available to help. SM is not a caretaker. She did not care for her parents. She is a hire it all out person. I was not welcome to help. When I did visit and spend time with my father, I did what I could to get him back on track, but it never lasted. He called on me for health advice but would only follow through for short periods. You can’t force someone to stick to healthy decisions. They were his decisions but SM did not support good choices. Before they married I was his emotional support animal, carrying him through his divorce from my mother. My dad was not a good father but I think he did the best he knew how to do. I love him and I was always willing to help.

I feel for you, I really do, but it is total BS to blame this woman for your father's lack of exercise and poor eating. He is a grown up, if he wanted to exercise, he could have gotten up and exercised. If he wanted to eat healthier foods, he could have gone out and bought them.

I think you’re about 75% right. He could have made better choices. On the other hand, he went almost straight from a difficult 30 year marriage that was a longtime deadbed, no physical affection to a marriage that was sexual and affectionate. At the surface, SM was kinder to him than my mother. She’s also very controlling and manipulative. I don’t think it’s an accident that she pushed him to be more isolated, more dependent on her, and to give up activities she didn’t like.

OP, the above and your description of yourself as his emotional support animal, DNA tests, etc. is profoundly sick and reads like covert incest, if you are not a troll. Can you see how concerning it is for you to opine on his sex life with your mother? Do you see how many boundaries he has blurred? Seek knowledgeable help and stop focusing on SM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe consider calling the elder abuse hotline for your county? That way someone can verify he is ok.

Yes, this seems warranted.

[Anonymous]

"OP, the above and your description of yourself as his emotional support animal, DNA tests, etc. is profoundly sick and reads like covert incest, if you are not a troll. Can you see how concerning it is for you to opine on his sex life with your mother? Do you see how many boundaries he has blurred? Seek knowledgeable help and stop focusing on SM."

As brought up earlier in the thread, this whole story reads like nothing more than a way to rile up stepmother bigotry.

If such automatic bigotry was used against another group of people, based on race or gender, there would be outrage and the thread would be locked down if not deleted.

But it's perfectly OK to spew hate and disparage ANY woman who is in a stepmother position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

There is no question his physical health was deteriorating. My father became more and more sedentary after the marriage to SM, who is not active at all. She discouraged him from activities that she didn’t participate in- hiking, golf, walking, going to the gym. He gained a lot of weight and spent much more time at home. She also kept tons of not great food around. So his aging was exacerbated for sure. His cholesterol was through the roof, he was pre-diabetic, and he had typical aging things- prostate cancer, some hearing loss, etc. Cognitively I wasn’t seeing decline, but definitely less stimulation. He was still very engaged with astronomy and his nature cams (they back up to public lands so he could do a lot of wildlife watching from home). He was reading less but was still reading science journals. It seemed like a normal slow down.

For PP’s saying I wasn’t there to help, outside of a short time when I took a break, I have always been available to help. SM is not a caretaker. She did not care for her parents. She is a hire it all out person. I was not welcome to help. When I did visit and spend time with my father, I did what I could to get him back on track, but it never lasted. He called on me for health advice but would only follow through for short periods. You can’t force someone to stick to healthy decisions. They were his decisions but SM did not support good choices. Before they married I was his emotional support animal, carrying him through his divorce from my mother. My dad was not a good father but I think he did the best he knew how to do. I love him and I was always willing to help.

I feel for you, I really do, but it is total BS to blame this woman for your father's lack of exercise and poor eating. He is a grown up, if he wanted to exercise, he could have gotten up and exercised. If he wanted to eat healthier foods, he could have gone out and bought them.

I think you’re about 75% right. He could have made better choices. On the other hand, he went almost straight from a difficult 30 year marriage that was a longtime deadbed, no physical affection to a marriage that was sexual and affectionate. At the surface, SM was kinder to him than my mother. She’s also very controlling and manipulative. I don’t think it’s an accident that she pushed him to be more isolated, more dependent on her, and to give up activities she didn’t like.

OP, the above and your description of yourself as his emotional support animal, DNA tests, etc. is profoundly sick and reads like covert incest, if you are not a troll. Can you see how concerning it is for you to opine on his sex life with your mother? Do you see how many boundaries he has blurred? Seek knowledgeable help and stop focusing on SM.

Yes, there was definitely emotional incest in addition to other kinds of abuse. My parents told me everything, boundaries largely didn’t exist, and my father definitely relied on me in a very adult way. Unfortunately I’m not opining about their sex life, my mother told me. It was also obvious anyway as my father slept in his den from early on, and by the time I was 10 they dropped the pretense and had separate bedrooms. My father and SM were affectionate and because we did visit one another and travel together sometimes, I know they had a sexual relationship. He did reference it once in discussing his happiness and I asked him not to do that anymore. I’ve had a ton of therapy and I am going back.

This thread took a turn. Some commenters asked about whether SM had financial motivations. I explained that I do think that is part of it. Yes it sucks to know that my father probably will deliver that final twist of the knife and it’s very painful that special family things will likely go to SM and her daughter. None of that was the reason I posted, nor was it on my mind when I posted. I posted because I am likely never going to see or communicate with my father again. And that is incredibly painful. She was an awful father in many ways, but he was also the person who tucked me in, read to me, took me to the zoo, and taught me to love nature. Abusive families are complicated. I felt heartbreak, anger, and concern for my father.

Stepmothers can be anything from the worst to the best. This wasn’t meant to be a thread about all SMs. This was about what my SM did yesterday, and how I felt. I have repeatedly acknowledged that my father bears responsibility in the whole situation, and it wouldn’t have occurred if he hadn’t allowed it to occur. I am not going to seek to have my stepmother jailed or any of the other wild accusations some commenters have made. Having angry thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean enacting plans of vengeance. Somebody is calling Adult Protective Services. One of his cousins has already said that they are planning to do it and will do it if H or I don’t. It will be reassuring to me that someone can check. I suspect that his conditions are adequate, but if they aren’t, the facility will be in trouble, not my SM.

Many of you were helpful, kind, and supportive. I appreciated that so much. I am still hurting but a day has passed. I’m a bit calmer with it. I’m doing a lot of baking with my youngest today, and H and I will talk later about how to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you need to find him and visit yourself in person. Can you ask other relatives where he is?

Unfortunately there isn’t anyone left to ask. His siblings are both dead he does not have relationships with his cousins (I do).

I do very much want to know where he is, H knows some PIs through work, so he can find out the feasibility of locating him. I would think his legal address is still their marital home. But even if I know where he is I think just showing up there would blow things up.

And yes, to clarify for PP we did DNA testing with the big 3 companies years ago and I am his biological daughter, no question about it.

Blow things up? The stepmom need never know that you visited the nursing center. And depending on how impaired he is, he might be aggressive, or not recognize you, or be completely calm.

A few weeks ago he sounded normal in email, explained the science of “fire rainbows,” for sure knew with whom he was communicating. Given the history with my SM I think there is a non-zero chance that I am not on a do-not-admit list. If I knew where he was I could at least reach out to his care team and let them know I am available to answer questions? My SM knows so little of his life before her, and as ALZ patients decline, knowledge of their history becomes pretty important. His care team wouldn’t be able to release information to me but I could answer questions. And if my father did ask for me, the facility might have some questions for SM.

If he is experiencing an unusually swift decline then just arriving without notice would disrupt his routine and could be harmful. I think H attempting to broker something is probably best.

If your husband can't figure out where he is and if you have the resources I'd hire a PI and try to get a full report/good picture of what's happening. I might even try to hire an attorney to explore legal options. I don't think I could just accept this and move on.

[Anonymous]

Sending virtual hugs and support OP

I also had to deal with a similar situation. My dad remarried 2 weeks after my parent’s divorce was final. I (only child) was neither told nor invited to the wedding and only found out from one of my cousins calling to ask why I wasn’t there. In addition to never acknowledging my wedding or the birth of our son, they picked up and moved to a different state without telling anyone in the family (again found out from same cousin).

He ended up in the hospital for over 6 weeks before his passing (was an alcoholic and died from cirrhosis). He died in October but we didn’t find out until December. His spouse sent my aunt a Christmas card and only signed it with her name. So same cousin called her to find out what was going on. She proceeded to hold his ashes hostage unless my aunt would agree to bury both of them in the family plot. I told my aunt to absolutely not agree to that. Who knows what she ended up doing with them, I’m still waiting for her to show up on my doorstep someday looking for money - we still get debt collectors calling us looking for her and he died 18 years ago now.

[Anonymous]

"This wasn’t meant to be a thread about ...SMs."


Bull. Do you think that's believable when your HEADLINE is "SM cut me off"

I do not find any of your story believable. I think it is an AI generated/enhanced fairy tale to continue with the bigoted narrative that stepmothers = evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

The only "should" that matters is the owner of the estate's wishes. If it's just a spouse, fine. If it's children, fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending virtual hugs and support OP

I also had to deal with a similar situation. My dad remarried 2 weeks after my parent’s divorce was final. I (only child) was neither told nor invited to the wedding and only found out from one of my cousins calling to ask why I wasn’t there. In addition to never acknowledging my wedding or the birth of our son, they picked up and moved to a different state without telling anyone in the family (again found out from same cousin).

He ended up in the hospital for over 6 weeks before his passing (was an alcoholic and died from cirrhosis). He died in October but we didn’t find out until December. His spouse sent my aunt a Christmas card and only signed it with her name. So same cousin called her to find out what was going on. She proceeded to hold his ashes hostage unless my aunt would agree to bury both of them in the family plot. I told my aunt to absolutely not agree to that. Who knows what she ended up doing with them, I’m still waiting for her to show up on my doorstep someday looking for money - we still get debt collectors calling us looking for her and he died 18 years ago now.

I’m so sorry, and I appreciate the virtual hugs and support. I’m an only child as well and I think that makes it tougher. There is something about the idea of a parent dying and not knowing that I find so upsetting, that really resonated with me. At least we both had supportive extended family.

"This wasn’t meant to be a thread about ...SMs."


Bull. Do you think that's believable when your HEADLINE is "SM cut me off"

I do not find any of your story believable. I think it is an AI generated/enhanced fairy tale to continue with the bigoted narrative that stepmothers = evil.

I guess if we are going to say that every thread about a husband is about all husbands, and every thread about an SIL is about all SILs, then ok. That’s not the case, though. People do start broad threads about types of relationships but this wasn’t one of them. I don’t know why you feel personally attacked by a post that has nothing to do with you. Maybe you can make a post about positive SM relationships or something. I’m not responding to these accusations anymore. I’ve been very clear that I don’t hate SMs or think they’re inherently evil. I know plenty of SMs who are great, and I have other step relationships that are wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending virtual hugs and support OP

I also had to deal with a similar situation. My dad remarried 2 weeks after my parent’s divorce was final. I (only child) was neither told nor invited to the wedding and only found out from one of my cousins calling to ask why I wasn’t there. In addition to never acknowledging my wedding or the birth of our son, they picked up and moved to a different state without telling anyone in the family (again found out from same cousin).

He ended up in the hospital for over 6 weeks before his passing (was an alcoholic and died from cirrhosis). He died in October but we didn’t find out until December. His spouse sent my aunt a Christmas card and only signed it with her name. So same cousin called her to find out what was going on. She proceeded to hold his ashes hostage unless my aunt would agree to bury both of them in the family plot. I told my aunt to absolutely not agree to that. Who knows what she ended up doing with them, I’m still waiting for her to show up on my doorstep someday looking for money - we still get debt collectors calling us looking for her and he died 18 years ago now.

I’m so sorry, and I appreciate the virtual hugs and support. I’m an only child as well and I think that makes it tougher. There is something about the idea of a parent dying and not knowing that I find so upsetting, that really resonated with me. At least we both had supportive extended family.

"This wasn’t meant to be a thread about ...SMs."


Bull. Do you think that's believable when your HEADLINE is "SM cut me off"

I do not find any of your story believable. I think it is an AI generated/enhanced fairy tale to continue with the bigoted narrative that stepmothers = evil.

I guess if we are going to say that every thread about a husband is about all husbands, and every thread about an SIL is about all SILs, then ok. That’s not the case, though. People do start broad threads about types of relationships but this wasn’t one of them. I don’t know why you feel personally attacked by a post that has nothing to do with you. Maybe you can make a post about positive SM relationships or something. I’m not responding to these accusations anymore. I’ve been very clear that I don’t hate SMs or think they’re inherently evil. I know plenty of SMs who are great, and I have other step relationships that are wonderful.

Because inevitably every thread about stepmothers IS all negative. At least here on DCUM.

I dare you to find even one thread that is positive about stepmothers. And if anyone opines that they are not in perfect agreement with bashing said SM and tries to present a different perspective (like, maybe the OP is biased/bigoted?) they are quickly attacked.

There is no other group, not even MILs, who are so quickly villianized. As has been done in this thread.

Since you know "plenty of SMs who are great" why don't you share some of those anecdotes/stories?

Waiting...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending virtual hugs and support OP

I also had to deal with a similar situation. My dad remarried 2 weeks after my parent’s divorce was final. I (only child) was neither told nor invited to the wedding and only found out from one of my cousins calling to ask why I wasn’t there. In addition to never acknowledging my wedding or the birth of our son, they picked up and moved to a different state without telling anyone in the family (again found out from same cousin).

He ended up in the hospital for over 6 weeks before his passing (was an alcoholic and died from cirrhosis). He died in October but we didn’t find out until December. His spouse sent my aunt a Christmas card and only signed it with her name. So same cousin called her to find out what was going on. She proceeded to hold his ashes hostage unless my aunt would agree to bury both of them in the family plot. I told my aunt to absolutely not agree to that. Who knows what she ended up doing with them, I’m still waiting for her to show up on my doorstep someday looking for money - we still get debt collectors calling us looking for her and he died 18 years ago now.

I’m so sorry, and I appreciate the virtual hugs and support. I’m an only child as well and I think that makes it tougher. There is something about the idea of a parent dying and not knowing that I find so upsetting, that really resonated with me. At least we both had supportive extended family.

"This wasn’t meant to be a thread about ...SMs."


Bull. Do you think that's believable when your HEADLINE is "SM cut me off"

I do not find any of your story believable. I think it is an AI generated/enhanced fairy tale to continue with the bigoted narrative that stepmothers = evil.

I guess if we are going to say that every thread about a husband is about all husbands, and every thread about an SIL is about all SILs, then ok. That’s not the case, though. People do start broad threads about types of relationships but this wasn’t one of them. I don’t know why you feel personally attacked by a post that has nothing to do with you. Maybe you can make a post about positive SM relationships or something. I’m not responding to these accusations anymore. I’ve been very clear that I don’t hate SMs or think they’re inherently evil. I know plenty of SMs who are great, and I have other step relationships that are wonderful.

Because inevitably every thread about stepmothers IS all negative. At least here on DCUM.

I dare you to find even one thread that is positive about stepmothers. And if anyone opines that they are not in perfect agreement with bashing said SM and tries to present a different perspective (like, maybe the OP is biased/bigoted?) they are quickly attacked.

There is no other group, not even MILs, who are so quickly villianized. As has been done in this thread.

Since you know "plenty of SMs who are great" why don't you share some of those anecdotes/stories?

Waiting...

Do you really feel like that’s a fair ask to me, OP, today? Why am I responsible for taking care of your emotions about this? I said I was done responding on this so I don’t know why I’m dignifying this. People tend to post more about problems than joys. It would be great if people started sharing more positive things too. If that’s what you really want, then why don’t you take action instead of poking at a hurting person?

Thanks again to all those who expressed compassion, offered helpful suggestions, and encouraged returning to therapy. I’m going to ask Jeff to lock this now, as it’s turned into something ugly.