Painful Day- stepmother cut me off from declining father today

[Anonymous]

Today I received one of the ugliest emails I have ever seen. My stepmother has decided that I may not have any contact with my father, not even to send a card.

My father did a lot of bad parenting, abusive things, all of which I forgave long ago. He was also attentive and affectionate much of the time, and we had a close relationship. They married in my late twenties and I was happy for him. Stepmother was jealous and clearly threatened from the beginning. I will acknowledge that she did some positive things, and I was always respectful and appreciative. Through the years there have been periods of estrangement driven by her (and yes he allowed it, he could have said no). I always left the door open.

The last rupture occurred when my father demanded DNA evidence that I was his child. I reminded him that we had tested for fun long ago, but Stepmother created some outrageous claim that it was fake. I asked for a communication break after he said some other hurtful things and refused to back down on the idea that I might not be his, the first time I’ve ever stood up for myself. Trying to come back from that was rough.

I have been emailing with my dad, all light and pleasant conversations. Bits about the grandchildren, science and nature. On Christmas my email bounced back. I emailed my stepmother and politely explained and expressed my concern that something had happened to my father. She did not respond. Two days ago H emailed her. Today she says that he is in severe Alz, wants nothing to do with me, and is in a “facility.” She describes him essentially as an isolated vegetable- yet we had normal emails. There were additional personal remarks that were nasty and I’m sure I’ll feel some rage about that later. I think he probably is in AL, likely has MCI/early ALZ and she’s made this decision. I don’t know if he thinks I flaked out on him, or what she may have said. According to stepmother, my father only responded to be “polite.” That doesn’t really fit with having Severe ALZ, and having been on the receiving end of some of his polite emails in the past, they never expressed love or were anything other than businesslike.

I can’t find words for the pain. I’ve spent time talking with my mother, friends, and cousins today. It helped but it’s still very raw. I’m also angry and concerned for my father. I never undermined their marriage and my stepmother had nothing to fear from me. She’s terrible with elder care and I know my father will not have the level of support he should. This is such a cruel thing for her to do. I’m angry with him too for being a man who couldn’t maintain a relationship with his wife and his daughter. Mostly I’m just heartbroken.

I guess I’m just writing this out on DCUM because I don’t want to overburden my close friends and family, but I’m having a hard time holding it in.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure that she can bar access to your father. If I were you I would contact the facility directly. Finding out which facility it is should be your first step.

You could go to court for access if you want to. She is, though, his next of kin so she may in fact be able to do this.

[Anonymous]

Also, go to a therapist. The loss of a parent is a big deal and it can't hurt and it sounds like you have a lot to sort out.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry. That’s awful.

[Anonymous]

There's not manual for this and it's awful, I'm so sorry.

Since she responded to your husband, I'd consider having him probe or showing up, with him, to talk to the facility (if there is one).

Her response is cruel.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. Your supportive replies are a comfort. I don’t want to make any decisions about what to do until I am calmer. Based on watching similar situations play out, I don’t think I would have standing to sue. I was his second medical POA, and I believe it was SM’s discovery of that which probably caused her to engineer the DNA crisis. I also have no idea where he is, other than somewhere in a major California city metro. I think if there is anything to be done, it is probably through H.

My long term therapist died of COVID in late 2020. He was so good and I have dreaded starting over with someone else. I’ve had some intermittent support with a therapist facilitated group, but it’s probably time to bite the bullet and establish with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

OP double posting. I’m sure that is 100% part if it. When they married she had not saved anything for retirement and she was very resentful about any money my father provided to me or my family. It was a messy dynamic where he would make promises or give something, lie to her, and then rug pull me when she found out. Instead of dealing with their issues, SM chose to blame me.

[Anonymous]

Demand he do a paternity test now.
Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. Your supportive replies are a comfort. I don’t want to make any decisions about what to do until I am calmer. Based on watching similar situations play out, I don’t think I would have standing to sue. I was his second medical POA, and I believe it was SM’s discovery of that which probably caused her to engineer the DNA crisis. I also have no idea where he is, other than somewhere in a major California city metro. I think if there is anything to be done, it is probably through H.

My long term therapist died of COVID in late 2020. He was so good and I have dreaded starting over with someone else. I’ve had some intermittent support with a therapist facilitated group, but it’s probably time to bite the bullet and establish with someone.

It sounds like you have a good plan. Have your husband work on figuring out where your father is and get yourself some good therapy. None of this is easy, even in the best of circumstances, and your circumstances are especially contentious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demand he do a paternity test now.
Seriously.

They already did one. Just because the Step mother is in denial about it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Also, if he's in a care setting for alzheimer's, there is not likely to be much of an inheritance to speak of unless he's very, very wealthy. And even then, the money would go to the stepmother by default unless his will says something else.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you need to find him and visit yourself in person. Can you ask other relatives where he is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you need to find him and visit yourself in person. Can you ask other relatives where he is?

Unfortunately there isn’t anyone left to ask. His siblings are both dead he does not have relationships with his cousins (I do).

I do very much want to know where he is, H knows some PIs through work, so he can find out the feasibility of locating him. I would think his legal address is still their marital home. But even if I know where he is I think just showing up there would blow things up.

And yes, to clarify for PP we did DNA testing with the big 3 companies years ago and I am his biological daughter, no question about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you need to find him and visit yourself in person. Can you ask other relatives where he is?

Unfortunately there isn’t anyone left to ask. His siblings are both dead he does not have relationships with his cousins (I do).

I do very much want to know where he is, H knows some PIs through work, so he can find out the feasibility of locating him. I would think his legal address is still their marital home. But even if I know where he is I think just showing up there would blow things up.

And yes, to clarify for PP we did DNA testing with the big 3 companies years ago and I am his biological daughter, no question about it.

Blow things up? The stepmom need never know that you visited the nursing center. And depending on how impaired he is, he might be aggressive, or not recognize you, or be completely calm.