Painful Day- stepmother cut me off from declining father today

[Anonymous]

OP it’s ok to let go. This is just another abuse example of your father’s abuse. It may or may not be him directly this time but he’s chosen stepmother and his life with her. If you need to find him and say your goodbyes then do that. Please get back into therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s ok to let go. This is just another abuse example of your father’s abuse. It may or may not be him directly this time but he’s chosen stepmother and his life with her. If you need to find him and say your goodbyes then do that. Please get back into therapy.

You are right. I recognize that if my father had simply told his wife No, I’m not going to choose. I will be your husband and my daughter’s father, the whole story would be different. He’s responsible for those choices, just as he is for the rest of his family that he cut off. A lot of the thread has focused on SM’s actions, but I recognize my father’s responsibility. And I definitely need to get back into therapy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe consider calling the elder abuse hotline for your county? That way someone can verify he is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s ok to let go. This is just another abuse example of your father’s abuse. It may or may not be him directly this time but he’s chosen stepmother and his life with her. If you need to find him and say your goodbyes then do that. Please get back into therapy.

You are right. I recognize that if my father had simply told his wife No, I’m not going to choose. I will be your husband and my daughter’s father, the whole story would be different. He’s responsible for those choices, just as he is for the rest of his family that he cut off. A lot of the thread has focused on SM’s actions, but I recognize my father’s responsibility. And I definitely need to get back into therapy.

At least you have the right mindset, OP. I know this hurts a lot, but with your clarity on this matter, you will be able to heal quicker. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s ok to let go. This is just another abuse example of your father’s abuse. It may or may not be him directly this time but he’s chosen stepmother and his life with her. If you need to find him and say your goodbyes then do that. Please get back into therapy.

You are right. I recognize that if my father had simply told his wife No, I’m not going to choose. I will be your husband and my daughter’s father, the whole story would be different. He’s responsible for those choices, just as he is for the rest of his family that he cut off. A lot of the thread has focused on SM’s actions, but I recognize my father’s responsibility. And I definitely need to get back into therapy.

At least you have the right mindset, OP. I know this hurts a lot, but with your clarity on this matter, you will be able to heal quicker. Wishing you the best.

Thank you ❤️

To the PP about the adult protective services, I think one of his cousins is planning to do that. If not, H or I can do that. I think he’s probably somewhere “adequate,” but not somewhere that provides enlightened ALZ care or whatever it is that would actually benefit him. He can afford excellent care; I don’t think SM would put him in a total shi*hole because that would embarrass her, but I don’t think she would select the best either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry.

My father's wife also succeeded in cutting me off from my dad. I am 44 and haven't seen him since I was 26, and it still causes me so much pain. On Christmas, I kept checking my email over and over, hoping he would reach out (I don't even have his phone number).

It hurts so much, I know. I don't know why some women behave like these "stepmothers", but I have met multiple people in similar situations over the years. I suspect these women have their eyes on our fathers' $$$ at heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

There is no question his physical health was deteriorating. My father became more and more sedentary after the marriage to SM, who is not active at all. She discouraged him from activities that she didn’t participate in- hiking, golf, walking, going to the gym. He gained a lot of weight and spent much more time at home. She also kept tons of not great food around. So his aging was exacerbated for sure. His cholesterol was through the roof, he was pre-diabetic, and he had typical aging things- prostate cancer, some hearing loss, etc. Cognitively I wasn’t seeing decline, but definitely less stimulation. He was still very engaged with astronomy and his nature cams (they back up to public lands so he could do a lot of wildlife watching from home). He was reading less but was still reading science journals. It seemed like a normal slow down.

For PP’s saying I wasn’t there to help, outside of a short time when I took a break, I have always been available to help. SM is not a caretaker. She did not care for her parents. She is a hire it all out person. I was not welcome to help. When I did visit and spend time with my father, I did what I could to get him back on track, but it never lasted. He called on me for health advice but would only follow through for short periods. You can’t force someone to stick to healthy decisions. They were his decisions but SM did not support good choices. Before they married I was his emotional support animal, carrying him through his divorce from my mother. My dad was not a good father but I think he did the best he knew how to do. I love him and I was always willing to help.

He could have bought his own food. She was a caregiver. He’s been declining for a long time and you ignored it rather than helping. You have no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

I'm a PP. I do not believe my mother would have wanted all assets, to which she contributed substantially over the course of the marriage, going to the woman who married my dad after my mom died suddenly. I just don't.

And the woman IS filth for so blatantly locking it all down--the home my mother helped purchase and decorate and fill with her own family furniture, etc--for herself and her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

The law does not agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry.

My father's wife also succeeded in cutting me off from my dad. I am 44 and haven't seen him since I was 26, and it still causes me so much pain. On Christmas, I kept checking my email over and over, hoping he would reach out (I don't even have his phone number).

It hurts so much, I know. I don't know why some women behave like these "stepmothers", but I have met multiple people in similar situations over the years. I suspect these women have their eyes on our fathers' $$$ at heart.

I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this too. You really feel like someone is trying to erase you- at least I do. It’s hard to put into words. As far as $$$, that is definitely part of it for my SM. She’s not been super secretive about that. I don’t think she married him exclusively for money but if he didn’t have money, she wouldn’t have married him. I’m not thrilled that I am (almost certainly) disinherited, but it’s the family things that hurt. The art collected when I was growing up, my grandmother’s things, my father’s books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

Why do you keep posting this?

A 2nd spouse and or step children creates a different inheritance scenario. Why should a spouse who wasn't in the picture when I earned my fortune deserve to inherit over children?

Op, your step mother is disgusting. She likely has out your father in some cheap care facility hoping he dies soon so she will have money. Find out where your father is and if it's not an adequate place insists that his money be spent on him and his care She sounds like trash and you have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

I'm a PP. I do not believe my mother would have wanted all assets, to which she contributed substantially over the course of the marriage, going to the woman who married my dad after my mom died suddenly. I just don't.

And the woman IS filth for so blatantly locking it all down--the home my mother helped purchase and decorate and fill with her own family furniture, etc--for herself and her own children.

This. And it gets more complicated with step kids. My husbands father has some wealth. If it all passes to his wife when he does, when she dies it will all go to her son. Not the biological children of my FIL, or their children.

My mom and stepdad have left everything to each other, and then to my stepbrother, brother, and myself equally, and I know the surviving spouse will honor that ( my stepdad isn’t going to change his will to cut me out if my mom dies first; nor will my mom cut out my stepbrother).

[Anonymous]

I think an investigator who has access to databases might be able to figure some things out.

I don't know anything about legalities but there may have been credit checks pulled by the assisted living facility. If you ever had POA and know his SSN that might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

There is no question his physical health was deteriorating. My father became more and more sedentary after the marriage to SM, who is not active at all. She discouraged him from activities that she didn’t participate in- hiking, golf, walking, going to the gym. He gained a lot of weight and spent much more time at home. She also kept tons of not great food around. So his aging was exacerbated for sure. His cholesterol was through the roof, he was pre-diabetic, and he had typical aging things- prostate cancer, some hearing loss, etc. Cognitively I wasn’t seeing decline, but definitely less stimulation. He was still very engaged with astronomy and his nature cams (they back up to public lands so he could do a lot of wildlife watching from home). He was reading less but was still reading science journals. It seemed like a normal slow down.

For PP’s saying I wasn’t there to help, outside of a short time when I took a break, I have always been available to help. SM is not a caretaker. She did not care for her parents. She is a hire it all out person. I was not welcome to help. When I did visit and spend time with my father, I did what I could to get him back on track, but it never lasted. He called on me for health advice but would only follow through for short periods. You can’t force someone to stick to healthy decisions. They were his decisions but SM did not support good choices. Before they married I was his emotional support animal, carrying him through his divorce from my mother. My dad was not a good father but I think he did the best he knew how to do. I love him and I was always willing to help.

He could have bought his own food. She was a caregiver. He’s been declining for a long time and you ignored it rather than helping. You have no clue.

Yes, he could have bought his own food. Ive acknowledged his responsibility several times.
She was most assuredly not a caregiver.
I ignored nothing. I took one short break after a deeply hurtful incident.
I have taken care of my own family’s elders as well as neighbors and friends. I have many clues. And I wouldn’t hesitate to be their for my father

Are you hurting because you’re an unappreciated caregiver? I know that’s a tough situation.