Painful Day- stepmother cut me off from declining father today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you need to find him and visit yourself in person. Can you ask other relatives where he is?

Unfortunately there isn’t anyone left to ask. His siblings are both dead he does not have relationships with his cousins (I do).

I do very much want to know where he is, H knows some PIs through work, so he can find out the feasibility of locating him. I would think his legal address is still their marital home. But even if I know where he is I think just showing up there would blow things up.

And yes, to clarify for PP we did DNA testing with the big 3 companies years ago and I am his biological daughter, no question about it.

Blow things up? The stepmom need never know that you visited the nursing center. And depending on how impaired he is, he might be aggressive, or not recognize you, or be completely calm.

A few weeks ago he sounded normal in email, explained the science of “fire rainbows,” for sure knew with whom he was communicating. Given the history with my SM I think there is a non-zero chance that I am not on a do-not-admit list. If I knew where he was I could at least reach out to his care team and let them know I am available to answer questions? My SM knows so little of his life before her, and as ALZ patients decline, knowledge of their history becomes pretty important. His care team wouldn’t be able to release information to me but I could answer questions. And if my father did ask for me, the facility might have some questions for SM.

If he is experiencing an unusually swift decline then just arriving without notice would disrupt his routine and could be harmful. I think H attempting to broker something is probably best.

[Anonymous]

Reading this carefully there are many inconsistencies in OP's tale.

IMO, I think this is a fabricated story to continue feeding the bigotry towards stepmothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you need to find him and visit yourself in person. Can you ask other relatives where he is?

Unfortunately there isn’t anyone left to ask. His siblings are both dead he does not have relationships with his cousins (I do).

I do very much want to know where he is, H knows some PIs through work, so he can find out the feasibility of locating him. I would think his legal address is still their marital home. But even if I know where he is I think just showing up there would blow things up.

And yes, to clarify for PP we did DNA testing with the big 3 companies years ago and I am his biological daughter, no question about it.

Blow things up? The stepmom need never know that you visited the nursing center. And depending on how impaired he is, he might be aggressive, or not recognize you, or be completely calm.

A few weeks ago he sounded normal in email, explained the science of “fire rainbows,” for sure knew with whom he was communicating. Given the history with my SM I think there is a non-zero chance that I am not on a do-not-admit list. If I knew where he was I could at least reach out to his care team and let them know I am available to answer questions? My SM knows so little of his life before her, and as ALZ patients decline, knowledge of their history becomes pretty important. His care team wouldn’t be able to release information to me but I could answer questions. And if my father did ask for me, the facility might have some questions for SM.

If he is experiencing an unusually swift decline then just arriving without notice would disrupt his routine and could be harmful. I think H attempting to broker something is probably best.

That sounds like a good plan. It's also not always disruptive to visit an Alzheimer's patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this carefully there are many inconsistencies in OP's tale.

IMO, I think this is a fabricated story to continue feeding the bigotry towards stepmothers.

Which inconsistencies are those? I'm not seeing them.

[Anonymous]

Do you still have the form where he listed you as the second HCPOA? That could help you gain access

[Anonymous]

My guess is your father is in decline but not fully incapacitated and your SM probably talked him into changing his will to ensure you are no longer in it and she doesn't want to risk having your father confess that to you. Here's hoping this awful woman lost her house in the fires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you still have the form where he listed you as the second HCPOA? That could help you gain access

Yes, I am the second POA on that form, so that if something incapacitated SM or she predeceased him, then the powers would have come to me. I’m imagining that was updated to exclude me, but I’m definitely holding onto the form. I also have the email he sent ahead of the form telling me what it was and that it was arriving by ups or fedex or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is your father is in decline but not fully incapacitated and your SM probably talked him into changing his will to ensure you are no longer in it and she doesn't want to risk having your father confess that to you. Here's hoping this awful woman lost her house in the fires.

I’ve definitely had some ugly thoughts about SM today. I would pass out from shock if I haven’t been disinherited. Following the DNA debacle I just assumed that was the case.

[Anonymous]

If he has that he’s no longer able to really communicate. You need to go visit. She’s probably exhausted and frustrated you are not helping and just rambling about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is your father is in decline but not fully incapacitated and your SM probably talked him into changing his will to ensure you are no longer in it and she doesn't want to risk having your father confess that to you. Here's hoping this awful woman lost her house in the fires.

She should inherit everything. They’ve been married for years and his caregiver. Kids are not entitled to inheritance. Op has not helped or visited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is your father is in decline but not fully incapacitated and your SM probably talked him into changing his will to ensure you are no longer in it and she doesn't want to risk having your father confess that to you. Here's hoping this awful woman lost her house in the fires.

I’ve definitely had some ugly thoughts about SM today. I would pass out from shock if I haven’t been disinherited. Following the DNA debacle I just assumed that was the case.

Crazy talk is normal with dementia. Visit, bring a kit and test.

[Anonymous]

OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

[Anonymous]

If you were just communicating normally,.I think it's important to contact him. Ideally with a visit. People can go fast, but not usually that fast, and I would.be very worried he is not getting the care he deserves (eg was locked away in a cheap facility to maximize sms inheritance)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

There is no question his physical health was deteriorating. My father became more and more sedentary after the marriage to SM, who is not active at all. She discouraged him from activities that she didn’t participate in- hiking, golf, walking, going to the gym. He gained a lot of weight and spent much more time at home. She also kept tons of not great food around. So his aging was exacerbated for sure. His cholesterol was through the roof, he was pre-diabetic, and he had typical aging things- prostate cancer, some hearing loss, etc. Cognitively I wasn’t seeing decline, but definitely less stimulation. He was still very engaged with astronomy and his nature cams (they back up to public lands so he could do a lot of wildlife watching from home). He was reading less but was still reading science journals. It seemed like a normal slow down.

For PP’s saying I wasn’t there to help, outside of a short time when I took a break, I have always been available to help. SM is not a caretaker. She did not care for her parents. She is a hire it all out person. I was not welcome to help. When I did visit and spend time with my father, I did what I could to get him back on track, but it never lasted. He called on me for health advice but would only follow through for short periods. You can’t force someone to stick to healthy decisions. They were his decisions but SM did not support good choices. Before they married I was his emotional support animal, carrying him through his divorce from my mother. My dad was not a good father but I think he did the best he knew how to do. I love him and I was always willing to help.