Painful Day- stepmother cut me off from declining father today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

There is no question his physical health was deteriorating. My father became more and more sedentary after the marriage to SM, who is not active at all. She discouraged him from activities that she didn’t participate in- hiking, golf, walking, going to the gym. He gained a lot of weight and spent much more time at home. She also kept tons of not great food around. So his aging was exacerbated for sure. His cholesterol was through the roof, he was pre-diabetic, and he had typical aging things- prostate cancer, some hearing loss, etc. Cognitively I wasn’t seeing decline, but definitely less stimulation. He was still very engaged with astronomy and his nature cams (they back up to public lands so he could do a lot of wildlife watching from home). He was reading less but was still reading science journals. It seemed like a normal slow down.

For PP’s saying I wasn’t there to help, outside of a short time when I took a break, I have always been available to help. SM is not a caretaker. She did not care for her parents. She is a hire it all out person. I was not welcome to help. When I did visit and spend time with my father, I did what I could to get him back on track, but it never lasted. He called on me for health advice but would only follow through for short periods. You can’t force someone to stick to healthy decisions. They were his decisions but SM did not support good choices. Before they married I was his emotional support animal, carrying him through his divorce from my mother. My dad was not a good father but I think he did the best he knew how to do. I love him and I was always willing to help.

I feel for you, I really do, but it is total BS to blame this woman for your father's lack of exercise and poor eating. He is a grown up, if he wanted to exercise, he could have gotten up and exercised. If he wanted to eat healthier foods, he could have gone out and bought them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think an investigator who has access to databases might be able to figure some things out.

I don't know anything about legalities but there may have been credit checks pulled by the assisted living facility. If you ever had POA and know his SSN that might help.

I do have his SSN. I don’t know about the legalities of using it to search but I’m sure H will make sure he’s working with someone above board if he involves a PI

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have any reason to believe your father’s health is declining other than what your stepmother told you?

There is no question his physical health was deteriorating. My father became more and more sedentary after the marriage to SM, who is not active at all. She discouraged him from activities that she didn’t participate in- hiking, golf, walking, going to the gym. He gained a lot of weight and spent much more time at home. She also kept tons of not great food around. So his aging was exacerbated for sure. His cholesterol was through the roof, he was pre-diabetic, and he had typical aging things- prostate cancer, some hearing loss, etc. Cognitively I wasn’t seeing decline, but definitely less stimulation. He was still very engaged with astronomy and his nature cams (they back up to public lands so he could do a lot of wildlife watching from home). He was reading less but was still reading science journals. It seemed like a normal slow down.

For PP’s saying I wasn’t there to help, outside of a short time when I took a break, I have always been available to help. SM is not a caretaker. She did not care for her parents. She is a hire it all out person. I was not welcome to help. When I did visit and spend time with my father, I did what I could to get him back on track, but it never lasted. He called on me for health advice but would only follow through for short periods. You can’t force someone to stick to healthy decisions. They were his decisions but SM did not support good choices. Before they married I was his emotional support animal, carrying him through his divorce from my mother. My dad was not a good father but I think he did the best he knew how to do. I love him and I was always willing to help.

I feel for you, I really do, but it is total BS to blame this woman for your father's lack of exercise and poor eating. He is a grown up, if he wanted to exercise, he could have gotten up and exercised. If he wanted to eat healthier foods, he could have gone out and bought them.

I think you’re about 75% right. He could have made better choices. On the other hand, he went almost straight from a difficult 30 year marriage that was a longtime deadbed, no physical affection to a marriage that was sexual and affectionate. At the surface, SM was kinder to him than my mother. She’s also very controlling and manipulative. I don’t think it’s an accident that she pushed him to be more isolated, more dependent on her, and to give up activities she didn’t like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think an investigator who has access to databases might be able to figure some things out.

I don't know anything about legalities but there may have been credit checks pulled by the assisted living facility. If you ever had POA and know his SSN that might help.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

OP double posting. I’m sure that is 100% part if it. When they married she had not saved anything for retirement and she was very resentful about any money my father provided to me or my family. It was a messy dynamic where he would make promises or give something, lie to her, and then rug pull me when she found out. Instead of dealing with their issues, SM chose to blame me.

I’m sorry, but I think this is stupid to focus on. Is your alleged father Rupert Murdoch? If not, doubtless there is any fortune that will survive long term dementia care.

OP your father denies paternity of you. Your father is a messed up POS and time has not changed that. I’m not being a jerk here - I have such a messed up POS father myself and it’s a profound and irreparable pain which you need to learn to live with and move forward from.

The stepmother isn’t the problem - she’s just another symptom of his massive dysfunction as a human being. Now his brain is scrambled eggs and any hope of meaningful reconciliation is over, done with, gone.

Learn to let your father go. Don’t waste time on stepmother drama or pursuing a relationship with a demented man who will never give you the bedside confession and vindication some part of you longs for. Letting go of that longing is incredibly hard but it’s the necessary work of children unlucky enough to have one or more deeply messed up parental units.

I wish you well, honestly. There is no pain quite like the pain of the adult child who must finally grapple with the utter shittiness of their parent and the certainty that the shittiness will never be resolved. It’s hard work but you owe it to yourself not to let him eat up anymore of your life with toxic negativity. Therapy is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is your father is in decline but not fully incapacitated and your SM probably talked him into changing his will to ensure you are no longer in it and she doesn't want to risk having your father confess that to you. Here's hoping this awful woman lost her house in the fires.

This is a horrible post. You don’t know anything about this man’s current wife except the perception of one stepdaughter who has a very fraught relationship with a father who apparently wished she was not a product of his sperm. The focus of everyone’s anger should be the piece of shit father OP’s mother chose for her, and not slinging feces at another woman who has doubtless endured the same kind of abuse and lovelessness that he brought to his first marriage.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR MEN WHO ARE GARBAGE HUSBANDS AND FATHERS.

[Anonymous]

For everyone saying you need extreme wealth to get through dementia care, please explain. Even nice places here in the dmv are $15k per month, average "stay" is 5-6 years. $15k x 12 months = $180k, $180k x 6 years = $1,080,000. For someone with $5-6 million in retirement (which seems low from what people post they have, which could be lies, but based on our social circles could also easily be true), the wealth will not be wiped out.

OP, I agree that step mom is trying to keep you from whatever inheritance might have been available to you. I'm sorry this is so painful, and I hope a PI is able to help you find your father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

OP double posting. I’m sure that is 100% part if it. When they married she had not saved anything for retirement and she was very resentful about any money my father provided to me or my family. It was a messy dynamic where he would make promises or give something, lie to her, and then rug pull me when she found out. Instead of dealing with their issues, SM chose to blame me.

Your father chose her over you. No one is strictly entitled to an inheritance, but he spent his estate on a prostitute, not his child or any charitable cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is your father is in decline but not fully incapacitated and your SM probably talked him into changing his will to ensure you are no longer in it and she doesn't want to risk having your father confess that to you. Here's hoping this awful woman lost her house in the fires.

This is a horrible post. You don’t know anything about this man’s current wife except the perception of one stepdaughter who has a very fraught relationship with a father who apparently wished she was not a product of his sperm. The focus of everyone’s anger should be the piece of shit father OP’s mother chose for her, and not slinging feces at another woman who has doubtless endured the same kind of abuse and lovelessness that he brought to his first marriage.

.

Stop making excuses for homewrecking gold-diggers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

So very this.

Kids should not inherit over spouses. You all are greedy.

Money should pass down the ladder to the younger prostitute to her younger gigolo and on and on, children be damned.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is OBVIOUS that you are 1,000 percent right about this situation.

Since you are the perfect daughter, have perfect insight, can read SM's mind with 100% accuracy, and KNOW FOR A FACT she is evil and you are certain she wants nothing more than to cut you out in order to have her hands in your father's money.

Not to mention the YEARS of abuse she made your father endure while they were married!

If I were you, I'd print out all these FACTS which you have so outlined here in great detail and go to the State's Attorney in the state your father lives in. I am quite certain when they read your situation they will quickly find a reason to charge and perhaps arrest your SM for elder abuse.

Hopefully, she will be jailed and then can go to trial where she should undoubtedly get the death penalty.

After all, it is a KNOWN FACT that ALL stepmothers are nothing more than evil, gold-digging abusive witches and every single one of them should be disposed of for the good of humanity.

/s

[Anonymous]

P.S. While you're at it OP why not contact Hollywood studios and sell your story to them? I am quite sure they will be fighting for the rights to it! There is definitely a market for a tale of woe like yours. Cinderella's got nothing on you! Think of all the money you could make from merchandising! It would more than make up for any lost inheritance...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s ok to let go. This is just another abuse example of your father’s abuse. It may or may not be him directly this time but he’s chosen stepmother and his life with her. If you need to find him and say your goodbyes then do that. Please get back into therapy.

This. I was in a similar situation and had to come to terms that parents wishes were being carried out. You should never have been asked about a DNA test, OP. Get help to come to terms with the long term abuse by your Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want you getting any inheritance. She is filth.

OP double posting. I’m sure that is 100% part if it. When they married she had not saved anything for retirement and she was very resentful about any money my father provided to me or my family. It was a messy dynamic where he would make promises or give something, lie to her, and then rug pull me when she found out. Instead of dealing with their issues, SM chose to blame me.

I’m sorry, but I think this is stupid to focus on. Is your alleged father Rupert Murdoch? If not, doubtless there is any fortune that will survive long term dementia care.

OP your father denies paternity of you. Your father is a messed up POS and time has not changed that. I’m not being a jerk here - I have such a messed up POS father myself and it’s a profound and irreparable pain which you need to learn to live with and move forward from.

The stepmother isn’t the problem - she’s just another symptom of his massive dysfunction as a human being. Now his brain is scrambled eggs and any hope of meaningful reconciliation is over, done with, gone.

Learn to let your father go. Don’t waste time on stepmother drama or pursuing a relationship with a demented man who will never give you the bedside confession and vindication some part of you longs for. Letting go of that longing is incredibly hard but it’s the necessary work of children unlucky enough to have one or more deeply messed up parental units.

I wish you well, honestly. There is no pain quite like the pain of the adult child who must finally grapple with the utter shittiness of their parent and the certainty that the shittiness will never be resolved. It’s hard work but you owe it to yourself not to let him eat up anymore of your life with toxic negativity. Therapy is the way to go.

This.