Teen-ternity Leave - Is this a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quitting now with my oldest in their first year of middle school and my youngest still in elementary school.

You can pay for good quality childcare when the kids are in their baby and toddler years - good childcare means kids get exposure to language, get socialized, etc. I have no guilt for working when they were young.

As they get older, I realized I want to be the main influence in their lives - and you are really competing with friends and media in a way you aren’t when they are younger.

We also have different conversations now - and I want to be there for them.

It's part of the natural process of development that peers are the main influence for kids in middle school and up. You're still important but you're no longer at the center. Not working won't change that.

That’s not always the case. Teens need a responsible constant adult in their life to talk to. A parent is best. They only look to their peers if there parent is absent emotionally or physically

That’s not at all true. Peers rise in importance as children enter adolescence and that is a natural and expected pattern.

DP - both peers and parents matter for teenagers, but in different ways. I like Lisa Damour’s analogy best, which is that, for teenagers, parents are like the side of the pool. They come to us when they need a break or something solid to hold onto before they go back swimming. For me, that means being close enough to be available at some point most days, whether that’s before school, right when they get home, dinner, carpooling, at bedtime, etc. I’m glad for them to spend lots of time with peers, as long as they know I’m available, too. Those things are not mutually exclusive.

I also don’t regret making time for them when they were very young. They needed me and DH then, too, even if that looked different than it does now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

Have you had a child with a mental health breakdown? We did. It’s not a short term thing and it’s not that easy to get time off just like that. I posted how my husband and I both have less demanding jobs. It was years of living on a roller coaster and a couple of really volatile ones. We didn’t have jobs where we could just “call in sick.” A few months off wouldn’t have been sufficient. It’s two years since the worst time of our lives and things are finally stable and in an upward direction. Our teen is in a good place but needs a lot of support from both of us. Mental health is a long journey.

[Anonymous]

I live in a mountain time zone state and work remotely on an east coast schedule so I'm done at 3 for after school stuff. So I'm available but also not at their beck and call for stuff like forgetting their lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

I'm sorry, no raising teens is generally not a full time job. My teens leave at 7 am to get the bus. They take the activity bus and are home at 445. They help prep dinner and we all always at 6. I work full time and it's effortless. I love the mix of working and thinking and earning money and parenting.

When I was a teen I LOVED being home on my own two days a week after school. And no I didn't have sex or watch tv, but I loved the independence.

Sorry mommy doesn't need to hover over 16 year olds every day after school!

I know you're so special, and so are your kids, but you're missing the point.

It isn't that they require constant "hovering" It's that they do require supervision, transportation, and adult counsel from someone they can confide in and trust, and it happens more often than you think. Glad your full time work and full time parenting situation is humblebraggingly "effortless" but your kids might disagree (if you let them) that they don't need more of your time.

And your little "thinking" jab shows how little of it you actually do if you can't see beyond your own (alleged) experience. Methinks the mommy doth protest too much...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quitting now with my oldest in their first year of middle school and my youngest still in elementary school.

You can pay for good quality childcare when the kids are in their baby and toddler years - good childcare means kids get exposure to language, get socialized, etc. I have no guilt for working when they were young.

As they get older, I realized I want to be the main influence in their lives - and you are really competing with friends and media in a way you aren’t when they are younger.

We also have different conversations now - and I want to be there for them.

+1

I was fine with someone else teaching my kid colors, ABCs, basic math... I'd like to be the influence when it comes to drug use, safe(er) sex, and social situations, not to mention politics, religion, and other 'big issues debates' that kids want to engage at this age. Those conversations may not happen every day, but they're huge and important and I want to be there to make the space for them to happen. Consistent behavior over time builds trust, and consistently showing up for my kids during their teen years is what fosters the open communication we enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

I have one in high school, one middle school, and one in elementary. The two teens are extremely labor intensive. They have an academic program outside of their home school I have to drive them to in the middle of the day. They finish regular school at 2:15. Their activities and sports aren’t at school. I have to pick them up (separately) and do various drop offs and pick ups between the three of them through the afternoon and evening, every single day. I try to have dinner mostly done before I leave for pickup. I have to bring them something to eat for immediately after school in the car, plus whatever sports gear they need. Then there is the homework; sometimes helping with homework, sometimes just following up to make sure it got done. Then at night they want a second dinner late and like me to stay up with them and chat while they eat and then again while they get ready for bed. It’s a lot.

[Anonymous]

When I had my DD, I was told that kids need parents more during teen years than newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

I have one in high school, one middle school, and one in elementary. The two teens are extremely labor intensive. They have an academic program outside of their home school I have to drive them to in the middle of the day. They finish regular school at 2:15. Their activities and sports aren’t at school. I have to pick them up (separately) and do various drop offs and pick ups between the three of them through the afternoon and evening, every single day. I try to have dinner mostly done before I leave for pickup. I have to bring them something to eat for immediately after school in the car, plus whatever sports gear they need. Then there is the homework; sometimes helping with homework, sometimes just following up to make sure it got done. Then at night they want a second dinner late and like me to stay up with them and chat while they eat and then again while they get ready for bed. It’s a lot.

None of that specifically requires a parent though, vs a nanny. I don’t care that you choose to do it, but it’s no different than the parents saying anyone can care for a baby/toddler.

[Anonymous]

yes, it's the last opportunity to really impact/connect with your kid before they fly the nest. I think the parent skills are more aroiund character development, moral dilemmas, sex/drug awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

I have one in high school, one middle school, and one in elementary. The two teens are extremely labor intensive. They have an academic program outside of their home school I have to drive them to in the middle of the day. They finish regular school at 2:15. Their activities and sports aren’t at school. I have to pick them up (separately) and do various drop offs and pick ups between the three of them through the afternoon and evening, every single day. I try to have dinner mostly done before I leave for pickup. I have to bring them something to eat for immediately after school in the car, plus whatever sports gear they need. Then there is the homework; sometimes helping with homework, sometimes just following up to make sure it got done. Then at night they want a second dinner late and like me to stay up with them and chat while they eat and then again while they get ready for bed. It’s a lot.

None of that specifically requires a parent though, vs a nanny. I don’t care that you choose to do it, but it’s no different than the parents saying anyone can care for a baby/toddler.

DP While you seem to think "anyone can", there are quality levels in play here. Yeah, you could hire someone to ferry the kids to and fro, feed them, etc. but that's not the same as their parent/trusted caregiver being present and available for conversation during those times. So while it may not "require" a parent, having a parent present is a distinct advantage.

I don't care that you choose not to do it, but don't try to draw false equivalencies to make yourself feel better about your decision, as if it couldn't possibly matter when it could and does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, it's the last opportunity to really impact/connect with your kid before they fly the nest. I think the parent skills are more aroiund character development, moral dilemmas, sex/drug awareness.

Exactly. I had those conversations with my mom, not my nanny, and definitely not whichever friend's parent was schlepping me around!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

With a middle school teen, mine is home at 2:30, then needs a ride to various things between 5:00-8:00 (not every day, but different things on different days). In between that I have to make dinner and any other errands, and help manage homework (kid has ADHD), and that’s after working all day.

I can see that if teens are driving and more independent then it takes less parenting time.

We chose to live in a location where we're very close to an elementary, middle and high school. This has worked out great for activities--my 11 yo rides her bike to get to and from school, swim practice, soccer practice, basketball practice, piano lessons, and girl scouts, plus a few clubs at school. I don't see that changing much through high school, as we are really well located.

I still try to work from home during after school hours as much as I can because I like being home when she gets home. She'll often pull out her homework and sit next to me and work--she likes the moral support. But I don't have to stop working to drive her places. She just hops on her bike and gets there herself unless the weather is absolutely horrid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

I'm sorry, no raising teens is generally not a full time job. My teens leave at 7 am to get the bus. They take the activity bus and are home at 445. They help prep dinner and we all always at 6. I work full time and it's effortless. I love the mix of working and thinking and earning money and parenting.

When I was a teen I LOVED being home on my own two days a week after school. And no I didn't have sex or watch tv, but I loved the independence.

Sorry mommy doesn't need to hover over 16 year olds every day after school!

I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. My parents both worked when I was a teen. I got up to a little bit of no good, but no more than my friends with non-working moms.

I enjoy dinner with my kids (well, now kid since the other is in college) most days, and we are very close. But I don’t feel that I need more time with them than we have, and I am sure that they feel the same! The idea that it is a full-time, or even part-time job, is frankly beyond me.

I think many parents make this much more complicated than it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I had my DD, I was told that kids need parents more during teen years than newborn.

They lied to you. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

We absolutely had that. And feminists blew it up by insisting on women’s “rights” to have a choice to join the workforce making rich companies richer so that they could feel useful outside of their homes—which is, (ironically), the place where they are needed the most and are not easily replaced.
Except it wasnt really a choice.
It was a mandate—because SAHM’s were then looked down upon…and at the same time, the housing market started to follow the trend of supplying homes at rate that only families with two working parents could afford….and now we’re stuck in this loop and unable to go back because progress.