Teen-ternity Leave - Is this a thing?

[Anonymous]

I have had 3 colleagues do this. The first left when her child was in MS. She was burnt out. The other 2 left because their teens were having mental health crises.

[Anonymous]

Quitting now with my oldest in their first year of middle school and my youngest still in elementary school.

You can pay for good quality childcare when the kids are in their baby and toddler years - good childcare means kids get exposure to language, get socialized, etc. I have no guilt for working when they were young.

As they get older, I realized I want to be the main influence in their lives - and you are really competing with friends and media in a way you aren’t when they are younger.

We also have different conversations now - and I want to be there for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how many women vs men here are stepping out/commenting here?

DH and I are trying to reorganize and be around. My mom retired and moved here, and she spends a lot of time with the kids.

We have kept our amazing nanny and will for the foreseeable future, even those older is in middle school - he needs therapy and specific coordination and needs a third parent. No, someone else is not "raising my kids" but it does take a village to do this.

All this said, DH understood and pitched in much more as he could when the kids were very small. He has less clue of the clear issues for teens, which has been frustrating. But he does have some.

Anne-Marie Slaughter's article really resonated when it came out (and when my kids were babies) and I've been keeping it in mind. It's not the whole story, but she isn't making it up.

I really appreciate the comments here about all the fre e time I had as a teen . I really needed more supervision - my parents were divorced and assumed that because I was a straight A student all was fine. I made some bad choices, though I have (mostly) recovered from them, and for many years I thought it was all me (yes, I did those things ,but I could do better for my own kids). Hoping I can figure this one out.

My husband and I both changed things around as the kids got older. We both had more demanding jobs when they were little. I was in a management position, he traveled frequently. It was hard but actually, not as hard when they were babies and in the younger years. We had relatives that could help and daycare. I dropped the management job and took a less demanding position when they were in elementary school. He was able to travel less and less and they got older. Now they are both teens and need us more than ever. I have a job where I am able to work full time but it’s actually full time with rarely taking anything home. He almost never travels. We both have some flexibility and can leave if an emergency happens. We worry about this more now than we did when they were little but one of ours had had some struggles.

[Anonymous]

My husband took off every Friday or left early this fall so he wouldn’t miss our son’s games, and he told his boss he’d have to leave early some nights for school functions, etc. for senior year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quitting now with my oldest in their first year of middle school and my youngest still in elementary school.

You can pay for good quality childcare when the kids are in their baby and toddler years - good childcare means kids get exposure to language, get socialized, etc. I have no guilt for working when they were young.

As they get older, I realized I want to be the main influence in their lives - and you are really competing with friends and media in a way you aren’t when they are younger.

We also have different conversations now - and I want to be there for them.

It's part of the natural process of development that peers are the main influence for kids in middle school and up. You're still important but you're no longer at the center. Not working won't change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

I'm sorry, no raising teens is generally not a full time job. My teens leave at 7 am to get the bus. They take the activity bus and are home at 445. They help prep dinner and we all always at 6. I work full time and it's effortless. I love the mix of working and thinking and earning money and parenting.

When I was a teen I LOVED being home on my own two days a week after school. And no I didn't have sex or watch tv, but I loved the independence.

Sorry mommy doesn't need to hover over 16 year olds every day after school!

DP. Glad that’s all worked out for you, truly. When you get a call from the school counselor that your kid’s been having suicidal thoughts, it’s really nice to know they’re not at home alone for hours every day.

I’m sure that if a kid ever experienced the worst of a mental health crisis or got into some other trouble, PP would be first in line wondering “where were the parents?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quitting now with my oldest in their first year of middle school and my youngest still in elementary school.

You can pay for good quality childcare when the kids are in their baby and toddler years - good childcare means kids get exposure to language, get socialized, etc. I have no guilt for working when they were young.

As they get older, I realized I want to be the main influence in their lives - and you are really competing with friends and media in a way you aren’t when they are younger.

We also have different conversations now - and I want to be there for them.

It's part of the natural process of development that peers are the main influence for kids in middle school and up. You're still important but you're no longer at the center. Not working won't change that.

That’s not always the case. Teens need a responsible constant adult in their life to talk to. A parent is best. They only look to their peers if there parent is absent emotionally or physically

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

I think to me I feel super burned out with work and then parenting (doing a million things after work every day). I can't very well give up on the parenting part. So I fantasize about quitting the work part. It would be nice to just have one source of stress in my life. I never felt this burned out when my kids were young, but I was also younger and Obama was president lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quitting now with my oldest in their first year of middle school and my youngest still in elementary school.

You can pay for good quality childcare when the kids are in their baby and toddler years - good childcare means kids get exposure to language, get socialized, etc. I have no guilt for working when they were young.

As they get older, I realized I want to be the main influence in their lives - and you are really competing with friends and media in a way you aren’t when they are younger.

We also have different conversations now - and I want to be there for them.

It's part of the natural process of development that peers are the main influence for kids in middle school and up. You're still important but you're no longer at the center. Not working won't change that.

Not about being the center or competing and more just being around to be an available voice of reason or otherwise interpret or guide when asked/when needed. Definitely don’t want the only voices kids hear on certain topics to be online/other kids. So however a parent can pull off being available for their kid for those conversations is the right choice for their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

With a middle school teen, mine is home at 2:30, then needs a ride to various things between 5:00-8:00 (not every day, but different things on different days). In between that I have to make dinner and any other errands, and help manage homework (kid has ADHD), and that’s after working all day.

I can see that if teens are driving and more independent then it takes less parenting time.

[Anonymous]

After reading this thread yesterday and thinking about it, this is absolutely what I am doing right now by working from home, for many already mentioned reasons.

The kids will be off to college soon and this is probably the last time I will spend this much time with them.
They are becoming more independent and their friends have become more important to them, but I can see that even if I am working from home, and even if they spend a lot of time up in their rooms, they do need a parental presence in the house.
The older one is dating. It is much better to have a parent in the home when his girlfriend is visiting.
There is so much to do after work hours. Cooking dinner, driving non-driving younger teen to practices, getting ready for sports and social events, making sure each kid has what they need for school and participating in other activities. Helping them through emotional ups and downs. Looking at colleges and getting ready for college applications. Attending their performances and sport events. They are getting better but still have times when they need reminders about time management and keeping things tidy. There are a million little things, and I can’t imagine managing it on top of a commute. On top of that, I am kind of burned out.

So, even though my job is not as exciting or rewarding as it could be, me being at home is what my kids need now. Once they have left for college, quite possibly then I will look at returning to some in-person and/or more demanding work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

How old are your kids? How do they get to and from their activities? Who prepares their meals? You make it sound like parenting teens is easy and the practical aspects of it just materialize on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this unless you are going to homeschool.

My kids are gone at 7am, school all day, after school activities and home at 6 or 7 or 8. They have maybe an hour before they are doing homework.

A child having a mental health breakdown is not a teen-ternity that is sick leave or time off for medical reasons.

I think to me I feel super burned out with work and then parenting (doing a million things after work every day). I can't very well give up on the parenting part. So I fantasize about quitting the work part. It would be nice to just have one source of stress in my life. I never felt this burned out when my kids were young, but I was also younger and Obama was president lol.

That is it, summed up. A full time job + commute + second shift is already too much. Add even run-of-the-mill typical teen angst and/or mini crisis, and you have full on overwhelm or disaster. It’s not that any part on its own is too much, it’s having to manage it all at once, which is why we have parents pulling back from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quitting now with my oldest in their first year of middle school and my youngest still in elementary school.

You can pay for good quality childcare when the kids are in their baby and toddler years - good childcare means kids get exposure to language, get socialized, etc. I have no guilt for working when they were young.

As they get older, I realized I want to be the main influence in their lives - and you are really competing with friends and media in a way you aren’t when they are younger.

We also have different conversations now - and I want to be there for them.

It's part of the natural process of development that peers are the main influence for kids in middle school and up. You're still important but you're no longer at the center. Not working won't change that.

That’s not always the case. Teens need a responsible constant adult in their life to talk to. A parent is best. They only look to their peers if there parent is absent emotionally or physically

That’s not at all true. Peers rise in importance as children enter adolescence and that is a natural and expected pattern.