DH thinks I should be able to do it all or at least most of it

[Anonymous]

besides the issue with time management...for me the real issue would be that taking care of three kids and cleaning a house may be manageable for many people, but it's probably not that emotionally rewarding ---except for time with kids, but if they're in school much of it then really your life is about servicing the needs of others. So, do you do things for yourself? classes? exercise? see friends? if Iwere just running a house and playing chaffeur/cook, I'd probably be burnt out.

fwiw, our house is a mess with 2 kids, and a cleaning woman 2x a month. But DH and my old kid rarely clean up anything unless prompted (and even then I have to ask a million times--DH is forgetful and DS is defiant and has attitude issues to the point where its torture just getting him to do him homework so trying to anything else is just icing on the screaming cake) and I'm in charge of the finances, schedules, and probably 70 percent of the cleaning/dishes, laundry, and all of the organiziation. between all that, my job, and pumping 6x a day, I'm so effing tired of cleaning up I want to scream., and yes, its taken a toll on our marriage.

ooops, sorrry that turned into a pity party rant. back to the dishes!

[Anonymous]

SN mom here and I just have to jump in and help some of the moms who are telling OP that with 2 kids in school, she should be able to get all housework done, have time for herself, run the house smoothly, etc.

She has 2 kids with special needs. If the youngest in in early intervention, she could have up to 7 hours of therapy a week plus any dr appts If the other is school age, then there are therapy appts after school for that child, in addition to whatever after school activities that child has AND the typical child who I'm sure has after school stuff, too. All while actually physically and emotionally managing whatever special needs the 2 kids have (maybe behavioral and/or physical, both of which are very time consuming to handle...makes the everyday and mundane an uphill battle). So she may have only snippets of time when someone isn't in need of her physical presence at minimum. And she has her own health to deal with. And you begrudge her a few stolen moments on DCUM? Or 10 mins in front of the telly? Sorry, I really wish people would take some time to consider the practical challenges of parenting SN kids and how their lives might be different than your before being so harshly critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

OP here...this a great post...very insightful...but at the same time makes me feel unqualified to be a mom!

OP: when were you diagnosed with all these medical problems? I doubt that it was after the birth of your 3rd child so it was either before, or shortly after, birth of first child. That should have told you that you didn't need to have any more children for health reasons. But it didn't so now you get your kicks by wallowing in self-pits. You could have made a bed, hung up clothes, washed a load of laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom in all the time you have spent posting on DCUM. Why do you have the energy to go on DCUM and do not have the energy to keep your house half way decent? OP, you are a text book example of malingering. Shut up and clean your house before it is condemned by the health department. I feel sorry for your husband and your children. He should divorce you, get custody of children and leave you to live in your dirty house.

This must be a troll. At least I hope. No one can be that much of a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

OP here...this a great post...very insightful...but at the same time makes me feel unqualified to be a mom!

OP: when were you diagnosed with all these medical problems? I doubt that it was after the birth of your 3rd child so it was either before, or shortly after, birth of first child. That should have told you that you didn't need to have any more children for health reasons. But it didn't so now you get your kicks by wallowing in self-pits. You could have made a bed, hung up clothes, washed a load of laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom in all the time you have spent posting on DCUM. Why do you have the energy to go on DCUM and do not have the energy to keep your house half way decent? OP, you are a text book example of malingering. Shut up and clean your house before it is condemned by the health department. I feel sorry for your husband and your children. He should divorce you, get custody of children and leave you to live in your dirty house.

This must be a troll. At least I hope. No one can be that much of a bitch.

You'd be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SN mom here and I just have to jump in and help some of the moms who are telling OP that with 2 kids in school, she should be able to get all housework done, have time for herself, run the house smoothly, etc.

She has 2 kids with special needs. If the youngest in in early intervention, she could have up to 7 hours of therapy a week plus any dr appts If the other is school age, then there are therapy appts after school for that child, in addition to whatever after school activities that child has AND the typical child who I'm sure has after school stuff, too. All while actually physically and emotionally managing whatever special needs the 2 kids have (maybe behavioral and/or physical, both of which are very time consuming to handle...makes the everyday and mundane an uphill battle). So she may have only snippets of time when someone isn't in need of her physical presence at minimum. And she has her own health to deal with. And you begrudge her a few stolen moments on DCUM? Or 10 mins in front of the telly? Sorry, I really wish people would take some time to consider the practical challenges of parenting SN kids and how their lives might be different than your before being so harshly critical.

I am not a SN mom, but I was thinking the same thing. Funny thing is there is another thread right now about a SAH mom of three wanting to take the nanny on a trip to Switzerland...and if anyone criticizes her for SAH with a nanny, multiple people leap to her defense...but this poor woman who clearly sounds like she is truly struggling gets beaten up by posters.

[Anonymous]

my mom was a SAHM but not happy about it - actually clinically depressed. She was so overwhelmed she did not play with us the way that I pay attention to my kids. When I became older I remember being embarrassed about the mess in our house. I wish my mom would have gotten help and had the energy to at least do the dishes. I'm not sure if it was the mess that bothered me so much as to have such an unhappy woman as my mother.

Your description of your health problems sounds like they are interfering with your energy levels. Maybe you should focus on getting better treatment for that - tell your husband his comments are not helpful and make it worse and hopefully the rest will fall into place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

OP here...this a great post...very insightful...but at the same time makes me feel unqualified to be a mom!

OP: when were you diagnosed with all these medical problems? I doubt that it was after the birth of your 3rd child so it was either before, or shortly after, birth of first child. That should have told you that you didn't need to have any more children for health reasons. But it didn't so now you get your kicks by wallowing in self-pits. You could have made a bed, hung up clothes, washed a load of laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom in all the time you have spent posting on DCUM. Why do you have the energy to go on DCUM and do not have the energy to keep your house half way decent? OP, you are a text book example of malingering. Shut up and clean your house before it is condemned by the health department. I feel sorry for your husband and your children. He should divorce you, get custody of children and leave you to live in your dirty house.

This must be a troll. At least I hope. No one can be that much of a bitch.[/quote

This is one of the meanest posts I've seen on DCUM....and that's really saying something.

[Anonymous]

"One thing to consider: those families that DH refers to, who have the neat homes that are Decorated and Showy and Clean on the Surface .... I know them too, my sister is one for example. In every. single. instance. the SAHM is blowing off her children in order to tidy up, paint, decorate, read decorating blogs, Swiffer, drag the kids to the store, etc etc etc. "

I really agree with this. My mom was a SAHM and she was obsessed with decorating, keeping everything tidy, going shopping, and entertaining friends. I loved going to my friends' houses that were not sparkly but there was a fun mom who would have some activity, and actually talk to us.

[Anonymous]

What is chronic fatigue syndrome? Isn't that by definition a working mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my mom was a SAHM but not happy about it - actually clinically depressed. She was so overwhelmed she did not play with us the way that I pay attention to my kids. When I became older I remember being embarrassed about the mess in our house. I wish my mom would have gotten help and had the energy to at least do the dishes. I'm not sure if it was the mess that bothered me so much as to have such an unhappy woman as my mother.

Your description of your health problems sounds like they are interfering with your energy levels. Maybe you should focus on getting better treatment for that - tell your husband his comments are not helpful and make it worse and hopefully the rest will fall into place.

I was thinking along these lines. OP, have you gotten your doctors/other health care providers involved? If you are feeling this poorly, maybe there is way to better manage your treatment? Also, have you been diagnosed w/ ADHD? If it is negatively impacting your ability to function in your role as mom, perhaps you and your doctor should be talking about possible medication? And, do you think your doctor might be a good resource for educating your husband about your conditions and the impact they have on your ability to get things done?

[Anonymous]

OP,
Think of all this like a business problem. You cannot be the main worker bee, you lack the stamina and you need to take the best care of your own health. So what can you do to outsource and automate? I'd try to find an organizer who works with ADD clients. Get rid of as much stuff as you possibly can and then there will be way less clutter. Set up self sustaining systems and get the kids involved, it will help their organizational and time managment skills to have things like a lunch station set up and the older ones can make their own lunches. Do Peapod and eat the same dinners if that helps, or join the Six O'Clock Scramble. Have 10 min at night when everyone (including DH pitches in and picks up). Have the cleaners come slightly more often if possible and havethem do laundry like sheets and towels. Set up a sorter and have everyone put laundry right into that, saves time later. Teach the older kids to run the machines and do it regularly so things don't build up. Cancel subscriptins that don't get read so that there aren't piles of newspapers and unread magazines. Working with someone to get set up for success will be money really well spent, then involve the family in regular chores so you aren't exhausted and so that they build confidence and skills. I have fatigue and only 2 kids, one SN and my hat is off to you. Get some help. And I'd also try to do once or twice a month date nights, either at home after kids are asleep or go out. It doesn't sound like you guys are on the same page, if DH's attitude doesn't improve, have him talk to your doc. If it lingers go to counselling. It could be that his angst about the SN kids and your health is being projected onto whether your home "looks normal", I've seen it happen. OP totally give yourself a pat on the back and a few minutes on the couch before you are on the run again. Take the best care you can of yourself. I found accupuncture helpful, and my insurance covers it, might be worth trying for you. It helps my energy for a few days.

[Anonymous]

OP - Okay, unsolicited medical advice - but I wonder if what you are describing as ADD might be related to your thyroid. I have thyroid disease; when my thyroid is not functioning well I experience "brain fog" and have trouble concentrating. It's one way I know that I need to have my thyroid checked. I barely remember the months before I was diagnosed; I was so out of it. My thyroid function dropped recently, and I could definitely tell by the "fog" that something was off - sure enough, I saw my endocrinologist and required a pretty big adjustment in meds. I hope you have a good endocrinologist; if you're just seeing a primary care physician right now, maybe you can get a referral to a specialist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SN mom here and I just have to jump in and help some of the moms who are telling OP that with 2 kids in school, she should be able to get all housework done, have time for herself, run the house smoothly, etc.

She has 2 kids with special needs. If the youngest in in early intervention, she could have up to 7 hours of therapy a week plus any dr appts If the other is school age, then there are therapy appts after school for that child, in addition to whatever after school activities that child has AND the typical child who I'm sure has after school stuff, too. All while actually physically and emotionally managing whatever special needs the 2 kids have (maybe behavioral and/or physical, both of which are very time consuming to handle...makes the everyday and mundane an uphill battle). So she may have only snippets of time when someone isn't in need of her physical presence at minimum. And she has her own health to deal with. And you begrudge her a few stolen moments on DCUM? Or 10 mins in front of the telly? Sorry, I really wish people would take some time to consider the practical challenges of parenting SN kids and how their lives might be different than your before being so harshly critical.

Mom of 2 SN kids here - you forgot to mention that in order to really be effective, parents need to incorporate into the daily home routine what the child does in a therapy session. We have therapy homework in order to reinforce therapy. This doesn't mean every moment is a therapy moment but looking for opportunities at home to practice. That also adds to the mental exhaustion. We've been doing it for two years now and I'm exhausted.

FWIW, I thought it was a great idea for the SAH mom with a nanny to take the nanny to Switzerland. Just because I can't afford doesn't mean I begrudge anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Okay, unsolicited medical advice - but I wonder if what you are describing as ADD might be related to your thyroid. I have thyroid disease; when my thyroid is not functioning well I experience "brain fog" and have trouble concentrating. It's one way I know that I need to have my thyroid checked. I barely remember the months before I was diagnosed; I was so out of it. My thyroid function dropped recently, and I could definitely tell by the "fog" that something was off - sure enough, I saw my endocrinologist and required a pretty big adjustment in meds. I hope you have a good endocrinologist; if you're just seeing a primary care physician right now, maybe you can get a referral to a specialist?

Doesn't fibromyalgia have its own 'fog', too? Not sure if there is anything your can do about that, but between your ADD and all your 'fogs', your special needs kids and your dh who seems to be clueless, I think you are doing surprisingly well.