DH thinks I should be able to do it all or at least most of it

[Anonymous]

After reading so many posts about people who delegate so much to their dh...

I'm a sahm to 3 kids..8, 6 and almost 3. I will be the first to admit I am not a good housekeeper. But I do want to be and I try....I just am completely overwhelmed. Combine this with some health problems (fibromyalgia, hypothryroid), children with sleep problems (special needs, not behavioral) and I'm sure a touch of ADD. I am daily juggling dr appts and therapy appts, school runs, afterschool activities, all the stuff other moms do (and maybe a bit more b/c of the special needs of 2 of them). I go to bed at 9 or 10, read for an hour or so and get up at 7. I do feel like I need 8 hours to feel ok and often don't get that if one of the kids has a problem at night. I wish I could do more after the kids are asleep but mentally and phyically, I crash as soon as they are all in bed.

He sees other sahm with nice, tidy homes...beds made, sparkling bathrooms, no piles of laundry to do, fold or put away, no toys on floor, no papers in piles (or at least where you can see) don't have dishes that never completely "done", etc and DH says..."why can't you do that? What's wrong with you? Everyone else seems to be able to do this and none of my friends understand why you can't. They all have wives that can manage, etc, etc." I hate that he seems to be complaining/comparing my housekeeping with others, too.

He will wash and fold some laundry every week or two and will load/unload the dishwasher on occasion (3-4x a week) and will put at least 1 child to bed when he is home. He usually gets up with a child at night. He takes out the trash once a week regularly. We have a lawn service and 2x a month cleaners for the heavy stuff.

I don't know if I really AM that bad or if other moms just get more help from their dh. Am I Martha Stewart? Hell, no. Could I be on Hoarders? No, not that either? Perspective?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you guys get almost no couple time. Could you try to go out twice per month and just reconnect. Can you talk to him about how you feel and how hurtful his comments are? Can he ID why his concerns about how the house look are so important that he is talking about it to others? It may be that you have a touch of ADD and he is picking up on that and is complaining about the symptoms as a way of expressing his anxiety? He could be worried about your declining energy and expressing it in a way that seems attacking (not fair). Could it be that he grew up in a very orderly home and this makes him feel that things are out of control?

You guys need to talk. You have a LOT on your plate, I have only 1 sn child and 1 other and it is a lot of work. One thing I am thinking about doing is having an organizing consultant in to think through routines to see if things can be streamlined.

[Anonymous]

I WOH, and I only have one perfectly average child, so my perspective probably isn't worth much.

But it sounds to me like, with the help you have between cleaners, lawn service, and spouse, you should be ok. Without that, I would say "get yourself some help, woman!" but it sounds like a lot of the heavy stuff is taken care of. Also, are the older children doing any chores? If not, and if they are able, they should be.

Now, I'm the absolute worst when it comes to using my time well around the house. When I'm on my own, I tend to watch TV, read novels, play solitaire... anything to not tackle that kitchen floor. I keep up with the laundry and the meals. The rest slides. So I know just how hard it can be to motivate, even when time is not lacking. So I'm not lecturing or bagging on you. Just saying that maybe a look at your time management is in order.

[Anonymous]

My guess? He sees the other people's houses after they've thrown everything in the closets before company comes over.

I'm a neat freak (and "good" at cleaning), and since having a baby, I've definitely compromised on that. AND I have a nanny who picks up for us and only one baby who doesn't really make messes beyond a scattering of toys that can be thrown into the toy bin in 30 seconds.

Also, it's seems really, really rude and unappreciative to compare your spouse to others. I mean, do you go around to nicer houses and ask him why he doesn't make more money?

[Anonymous]

You sound like you have a -lot- on your plate. You are OK, and your DH is wrong. He is EXTREMEly wrong for talking about your homemaker skills to others.

One thing to consider: those families that DH refers to, who have the neat homes that are Decorated and Showy and Clean on the Surface .... I know them too, my sister is one for example. In every. single. instance. the SAHM is blowing off her children in order to tidy up, paint, decorate, read decorating blogs, Swiffer, drag the kids to the store, etc etc etc.

It is not physically or humanly possible to have a Veranda (or Cottage Living or Modern Home) home *AND* play with your kids a lot and actually engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess? He sees the other people's houses after they've thrown everything in the closets before company comes over.

I'm a neat freak (and "good" at cleaning), and since having a baby, I've definitely compromised on that. AND I have a nanny who picks up for us and only one baby who doesn't really make messes beyond a scattering of toys that can be thrown into the toy bin in 30 seconds.

Also, it's seems really, really rude and unappreciative to compare your spouse to others. I mean, do you go around to nicer houses and ask him why he doesn't make more money?

PP here. I'm not a SAHM, so take my comments with that grain of salt.

Also, at the end of the day, your kids are going to remember and appreciate all of the running around and caring for them that you did, not whether the house was clean. At least, that's how I feel about my mom, who was a SAHM and not a very good housekeeper. Looking back, I remember her huddled under a big blanket on the sidelines of my soccer games in November much more readily than I remember whether my bed was made each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading so many posts about people who delegate so much to their dh...

I'm a sahm to 3 kids..8, 6 and almost 3. I will be the first to admit I am not a good housekeeper. But I do want to be and I try....I just am completely overwhelmed. Combine this with some health problems (fibromyalgia, hypothryroid), children with sleep problems (special needs, not behavioral) and I'm sure a touch of ADD. I am daily juggling dr appts and therapy appts, school runs, afterschool activities, all the stuff other moms do (and maybe a bit more b/c of the special needs of 2 of them). I go to bed at 9 or 10, read for an hour or so and get up at 7. I do feel like I need 8 hours to feel ok and often don't get that if one of the kids has a problem at night. I wish I could do more after the kids are asleep but mentally and phyically, I crash as soon as they are all in bed.

He sees other sahm with nice, tidy homes...beds made, sparkling bathrooms, no piles of laundry to do, fold or put away, no toys on floor, no papers in piles (or at least where you can see) don't have dishes that never completely "done", etc and DH says..."why can't you do that? What's wrong with you? Everyone else seems to be able to do this and none of my friends understand why you can't. They all have wives that can manage, etc, etc." I hate that he seems to be complaining/comparing my housekeeping with others, too.

He will wash and fold some laundry every week or two and will load/unload the dishwasher on occasion (3-4x a week) and will put at least 1 child to bed when he is home. He usually gets up with a child at night. He takes out the trash once a week regularly. We have a lawn service and 2x a month cleaners for the heavy stuff. I don't know if I really AM that bad or if other moms just get more help from their dh. Am I Martha Stewart? Hell, no. Could I be on Hoarders? No, not that either? Perspective?

You have a lot of help. Maybe you just like to whine. If you straighten up as you go along, you don't end up with unsightly messes and it is easy to keep a house neat. How embarrassed would you be if you had unexpected visitors? Would you want to apologize for your house. You have someone for heavy cleaning twice a month and lawn service. Your husband helps with man things and it seems to me he has a valid issue.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. I also WOH but grew up with a SAHM, and with three siblings. No housekeeper. No help. Our house was a cluttered disaster, but filled with love, support, creativity, and a Mom who cared more about US and spending time with us, than making sure things were spic and span. Pat yourself on the back for doing what you are doing well, which sounds like a lot of challenges with the kids, your own health issues, etc. And I agree that when you go to others houses they have most likely done "camouflage cleaning"....just don't open the closets or look under the beds! Don't be so hard on yourself. Having your kids healthy, loved, and fed, is much more important!

[Anonymous]

I've got 2 SN kids and believe me when I say I know all about the running around you have to do. But, even though I WOTH, I don't have health issues and I don't have ADHD. I think you should be a lot more kind to yourself - as should your DH.

The first thing I thought when I read your post is that you may be discounting the impact of your ADHD. Albeit, it's a special focus of mine, my DH has it and now that I know so much more about it, I can definitely see why he can't get things done. Disorganization and an unrealistic sense of time are classic ADHD issues. When you add your health challenges to the mix, it's no wonder you crash after the kids go to bed. Have you tried working with anyone to help you manage to your tasks? I got DH a Franklin Planner 15 years ago and the seminar on how to use it. It's not marketed specifically to ADHD people but the techniques are very effective. There are also a lot of online support groups that you might look into. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Of course the other houses looked nice -- they had company over.

[Anonymous]

I am also hypothyroid and have chronic pain issues (no fibro diagnosis, but probably would have one if not getting regular acupuncture and other body treatments). I think it is this aspect that your husband is discounting; you have an invisible disease that fatigues you, both from the pain and as an actual independent symptom. You are being too hard on yourself if you compare yourself to people without this challenge, and your husband is definitely being too hard on you: he should educate himself about what it really means to live with this kind of challenge.

From this perspective, you are doing a lot and doing it well. You are taking are of three children and managing. If he wants a cleaner house, he needs to step up and make that happen. It sounds like you have a level of housecleaning that has not compromised your health further and allows you to meet the needs of your children, and those are the things that should remain the top priorities.

Also, as an aside, I read you to say that your children had ADD issues, not you. Maybe you could clarify, since many PPs seem to be focusing on that element.

[Anonymous]

Get those older kids to help out a lot more. An 8 year old can load/unload a dishwasher, make beds, put away clothes, take out the garbage, vaccum.

[Anonymous]

Um... it sounds like your DH is from the 50's. Maybe he'd imagine swapping roles with you for a week, including dealing exclusively with your child with SN. Then you can ask him why the floor isn't sparkling and your meal isn't 4 courses. Tell him to get a life.

You need to find some girlfriends who have a similar perspective about raising children. In 10-20-30 years, who cares if your house is super-clean. At least you'll have three functional adult children who are good people and got a good education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um... it sounds like your DH is from the 50's. Maybe he'd imagine swapping roles with you for a week, including dealing exclusively with your child with SN. Then you can ask him why the floor isn't sparkling and your meal isn't 4 courses. Tell him to get a life.

You need to find some girlfriends who have a similar perspective about raising children. In 10-20-30 years, who cares if your house is super-clean. At least you'll have three functional adult children who are good people and got a good education.

A house doesn't have to be super clean but it should be neat. I don't give a damn about eating off bathroom and kitchen floors but they should be swept and mopped every week. Bed linens need to be changed at least once a week, clean towels, clean clothes. Your house should be clean enough that your children aren't embarrassed about it when other kids come over. Her older children should be helping her but she has to tell them. I can't feel sorry for someone whose husband does help her and she has lawn service and a house cleaner every two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Are you depressed, OP?