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Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
DH thinks I should be able to do it all or at least most of it
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Anonymous
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OP - Do not pay attention to 13:51.
13:51 - do you want her to get in a time machine? If you don't have anything constructive to say, stay off the thread! |
Anonymous
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"Your husband helps with man things and it seems to me he has a valid issue. "
Man things? |
Anonymous
Oh, heavens that is NOT what I intended! I meant it empathy. (And you may be perfectly well qualified to be a mom, and still be a crappy housekeeper! I know I am!) It would be really hard to hire someone to do the job that you have to do. Of course, stay at home moms of school age plus preschool aged kids do this job, to varying degrees of success. Some superorganized people do manage to do it all efficiently, but lots of us are just struggling with the housework and the after school ferrying to activities -- I know people will come on now and explain how they get it done, well, good for them!! I think it is a mistake to compare yourself much with anyone else. NO ONE knows what other people are strugglig with or going through. People can probably give you practical suggestions about how to keep a neat house despite being disorganized (focus on small projects, get into a rtroutine, organize and declutter etc.) and you can ask for that kind of advice, I'm sure people will have good ideas. People might have ideas for dealing with the fibromyalgia, too -- although I have a friend who has that illness and man, it is something really ahrd for her, so I really empathize with what you are going through. But the real problem as I see it is a basic lack of respect and understanding from your husband. That can go either way. Can you guys get some marriage counselling to discuss this? Because I think you need to be able to admit to him that you don't htink you are doing a great job with your end of the job sharing responsibilityies (he works, you SAH and deal with the house and kids) and that you also aren't satisfied, and that you know you do at times have things you could improve on -- that you agree with him on tha -- but that he needs tsupport you in your exhaustion, your pain, and your ADD issues. If you guys can frame it as we are both working together to the best of our abilities, supporting each other and dealing with life as best we can, you'll be approaching things as a unit, not fighting each other. |
Anonymous
Hopefully, your husband is smart enough so that he wouldn't be perplexed if you had special needs children and a chronic illness! |
Anonymous
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OP, does your DH have ADD issues too?
If so, that could be part of why a lot of stuff makes him feel overwhelmed, he has no idea where to begin cleaning it up either and that may make him feel anxious. The thing that worked best for us was getting rid of a huge amount of stuff by working with an organizer who had worked with people with ADD (another part of the country or I'd recommend). She helped set up systems based on what worked for us, and we had her come back a time or two each year for tweaking. Not only did it help both of us develope better organizational skills, it helped our kids who have ADD as well. It's really something I'd think about. The less stuff there is the less there is to clean up. Trying to organize way too much stuff still gives you the potential for a HUGE mess when it's all left all around. Pare and purge with help and support and then organize what is left. Get yourselves and the kids into better routines, and yes, that includes DH too. You have significant health problems, he needs to step up. I would also thiink about counseling, I would be really hurt if my spouse did that and I don't have nearly the challenges you do. You guys need to air these feelings. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| I haven't read any of the prior posts so I'm sorry in advance if I'm repeating. OP, are you upset only with the fact that your DH is complaining or do you too feel frustrated about not getting things done? If you are frustrated too, you might consider seeing a doctor and asking if medication might help. I have ADD and I find that Adderall makes a WORLD of difference in my ability to efficient with everyday tasks. I'll never be Suzy Homemaker but the medication helps me at least do enough that I don't have that feeling of spinning my wheels all the time and getting nowhere. In the past I have also taken Provigil, but for me the Adderall is enough. Just a thought. |
Anonymous
PP, did *you* know exactly the toll raising children would have on your body as you and your children got older? Probably not. Also, let's be practical. I broke my foot awhile ago. It hurt. I could type on DCUM for an hour comfortably. Could I have made a bed, hung up the clothes, washed a load of laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom in the hour I spent typing on DCUM? No. So if you don't see why someone with a condition that causes chronic pain can sit somewhere for an hour, but can't engage in physical activity for the same amount of time, you have a few screws loose and probably aren't smart enough to be commenting on message boards. Also, I think it's pretty clear from OP that her house is *not* at risk of being condemned by the health department - just a little cluttered. Maybe you should learn to read? I think that your nastiness (and lack of literacy) would have a much worse effect on a child than a house that was a bit cluttered. I'm afraid that I can't promise to have a pristine house for as long as I have kids in the house - does that mean I shouldn't have children? Seriously, I hope that you are just a troll being nasty for fun, and that no one is as horridly judgmental as you are. |
Anonymous
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OP: Sorry, did not read all the follow up posts either, so again apologies if this is a repeat answer. All I will say is I work out of the home, full time...and THAT time is almost like a vacation to staying home with the kids. I don't mean to say its easy - its WAAAYYYY not, and I am always feeling like I am slacking at something (either my job, my kids, or my home life responsibilities) BUT, I can say that SAHM do NOT get enough credit.
Here is my advise: Take a vacation for a week. You and your hubby. You go away and have him stay home with the kids...and see how well he manages. If he can keep up, then great. The experience will provide him with the opportunity to give you really sound advise on how he did it. But, my guess is...the kids will be unbathed, eating Micky D's and missing appointments - He cannot criticize you until he has tried it! |
Anonymous
I laughed when I saw this comment, because I was thinking the exact same thing!!  My house always looks better when people come over. Not that it's a disaster otherwise, but it almost never looks that good!!
I'd be very hurt if my spouse said that to me. Then again, he never would. Maybe it's just a matter of personality, but if he were unhappy with the way our house looked (cleanliness, organization etc.) he'd put it on himself -- "It stresses me out when things are messy around here" -- and he'd ask how he can help, either directly (doing more) or more likely indirectly (hiring someone to help me out somehow). Basically, the point is for you to solve this "problem" together. His complaining and assigning blame is not constructive. Tell him you're hurt but happy to work with him to figure out a way to the house more in order. But tell him you're overwhelmed with what's on your plate right now. Maybe there are other SAHMs who can do more. But you can't. So ask him to help you figure out how to get the results some other way. And don't beat yourself up (or let him beat you up) over what you're not doing. You do the best you can, and that's it. Comparing yourself with other moms is never productive. Look at your situation on its own and work together to get a better result around the house. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP -- article for you:
http://www.chesapeakeadd.com/pdf/adhd/women_adhd.pdf |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Anonymous
| OP, I think if you got a job where you actually had a minute to yourself and a weekly cleaner and your husband learned to shut his mouth, you'd feel a lot better. |
Anonymous
| Op, it sounds like you have trouble managing your time. With at least 2 of your children in school, you should be able to get something done every day. Here's what I suggest: draw up a daily schedule. Figure out when you are most tired and need to rest, and work around those times. For example if you have more energy in the mornings, try and do the most taxing tasks then. A schedule is key so you don't spin your wheels every day. Make sure everyone has enough clothes to get through a week and do laundry once a week. Multitask; eg while your'e doing the laundry, cook a big vat of something that you can eat and freeze (like spaghetti sauce or soup). Make every child take their dirty laundry to the laundry room and sort it, and make them put away their clean clothes. Everybody makes their bed every day. No one gets to watch TV until all the toys are put away. Everybody puts their dishes in the dishwasher. Kids set the table and clear. You need structure and a routine, especially if you have health issues. |
Anonymous
| These people answering do not have a special needs child and do not spend all their time going to appointments. Just try to do the best you can and enlist your husband to do more. Most parents of typical kids do not have any idea of what it takes to be a parent of a SN child. |