DH thinks I should be able to do it all or at least most of it

[Anonymous]

If you have a housecleaner and a lawn service and your husband pitches in from time to time, I would have trouble understanding why you couldn't manage as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading so many posts about people who delegate so much to their dh...

I'm a sahm to 3 kids..8, 6 and almost 3. I will be the first to admit I am not a good housekeeper. But I do want to be and I try....I just am completely overwhelmed. Combine this with some health problems (fibromyalgia, hypothryroid), children with sleep problems (special needs, not behavioral) and I'm sure a touch of ADD. I am daily juggling dr appts and therapy appts, school runs, afterschool activities, all the stuff other moms do (and maybe a bit more b/c of the special needs of 2 of them). I go to bed at 9 or 10, read for an hour or so and get up at 7. I do feel like I need 8 hours to feel ok and often don't get that if one of the kids has a problem at night. I wish I could do more after the kids are asleep but mentally and phyically, I crash as soon as they are all in bed.

He sees other sahm with nice, tidy homes...beds made, sparkling bathrooms, no piles of laundry to do, fold or put away, no toys on floor, no papers in piles (or at least where you can see) don't have dishes that never completely "done", etc and DH says..."why can't you do that? What's wrong with you? Everyone else seems to be able to do this and none of my friends understand why you can't. They all have wives that can manage, etc, etc." I hate that he seems to be complaining/comparing my housekeeping with others, too.

He will wash and fold some laundry every week or two and will load/unload the dishwasher on occasion (3-4x a week) and will put at least 1 child to bed when he is home. He usually gets up with a child at night. He takes out the trash once a week regularly. We have a lawn service and 2x a month cleaners for the heavy stuff. I don't know if I really AM that bad or if other moms just get more help from their dh. Am I Martha Stewart? Hell, no. Could I be on Hoarders? No, not that either? Perspective?

You have a lot of help. Maybe you just like to whine. If you straighten up as you go along, you don't end up with unsightly messes and it is easy to keep a house neat. How embarrassed would you be if you had unexpected visitors? Would you want to apologize for your house. You have someone for heavy cleaning twice a month and lawn service. Your husband helps with man things and it seems to me he has a valid issue.

Well, jesus, maybe she DOES like to whine - I would, too, if I was dealing with hypothyroidism AND fibromyalgia. I have hypothyroidism, but have been able to get it under control; still, it definitely affects energy levels. Fibromyalgia, as I understand it, is a whole different ballgame - chronic pain. I'm sorry, but I'm happy to not be in her shoes with her medical condition. Should she be embarrassed if she's just too exhausted and in too much pain to clean? If someone comes to my house and can't understand that, they can go F themselves.

[aprilmayjune]

I only have one child.. and no health issues, and I have trouble keeping a clean house sometimes.. But I also know what issue I have in that aspect, and I'm working on fixing them. I don't remember the last time my husband loaded or unloaded the dishwasher though, nor can I recall a washed, dried, folded or put away load of laundry that my hands weren't doing... And a housekeeper every two weeks... I really think I would die if these things happened. My DH works overnight, so I spend the day cooking, making his lunch, laundering his work clothes, and than with whatever time I have inbetween doing these things I take my messy little one out to do things outside of the home. Plus I have a lot of church engagements and responsibilities, but the point is, I am up until at least 1 or two in the morning trying to get everything done around my home. Do I get everything done all the time, no.. But the point is, you have help.. He shouldn't be comparing you to others. I really think I would strangle my husband if he started talking to me like that, I think it's time for him to lighten up, and realize that you have kids that spend a lot of time in the house. I also agree with the PPs that say that you need to have your kids helping out more. Try some sort of chore chart with rewards for doing all of the chores so that you're not doing everything alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a housecleaner and a lawn service and your husband pitches in from time to time, I would have trouble understanding why you couldn't manage as well.

Maybe if you read her post, which included info about her medical conditions, you wouldn't have trouble understanding why she couldn't manage. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a housecleaner and a lawn service and your husband pitches in from time to time, I would have trouble understanding why you couldn't manage as well.

Maybe if you read her post, which included info about her medical conditions, you wouldn't have trouble understanding why she couldn't manage. Just a thought.

and the special needs kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you depressed, OP?

What makes you think OP might be depressed? I didn't get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you depressed, OP?

What makes you think OP might be depressed? I didn't get that.

Fatigue is not depression, and fatigue is a recurring challenge with both of the medical conditions OP describes. Not to mention a reasonable outcome from caring for three kids, including one with SN. Just because someone is tired and not peppy all the time doesn't mean they have a mental illness.

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks for your responses. I think my dh got online earlier and posted a couple....LOL.

But I do appreciate the perspective. Maybe I should add that we dinner together?

BTW, I do not think I'm depressed.

[Anonymous]

Fibromylgia SUCKS!


If you think you might have ADD -- add in a lack of a consistent schedule (when you have multiple therapy appointments for the kids, etc.) you can easily have a very hard time organizing the house and getting stuff done.

And OP, you might not be depressed, but you could be burnt out... and I wouldn't blame you one bit. Have you een doing the SAHM gig since the eldest child was born? It's no disgrace to admit that you are just plain burnt out and need a bit of a change or respite. (Doesn't mean you will get it!)

Have to run -- more soon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading so many posts about people who delegate so much to their dh...

I'm a sahm to 3 kids..8, 6 and almost 3. I will be the first to admit I am not a good housekeeper. But I do want to be and I try....I just am completely overwhelmed. Combine this with some health problems (fibromyalgia, hypothryroid), children with sleep problems (special needs, not behavioral) and I'm sure a touch of ADD. I am daily juggling dr appts and therapy appts, school runs, afterschool activities, all the stuff other moms do (and maybe a bit more b/c of the special needs of 2 of them). I go to bed at 9 or 10, read for an hour or so and get up at 7. I do feel like I need 8 hours to feel ok and often don't get that if one of the kids has a problem at night. I wish I could do more after the kids are asleep but mentally and phyically, I crash as soon as they are all in bed.

He sees other sahm with nice, tidy homes...beds made, sparkling bathrooms, no piles of laundry to do, fold or put away, no toys on floor, no papers in piles (or at least where you can see) don't have dishes that never completely "done", etc and DH says..."why can't you do that? What's wrong with you? Everyone else seems to be able to do this and none of my friends understand why you can't. They all have wives that can manage, etc, etc." I hate that he seems to be complaining/comparing my housekeeping with others, too.

He will wash and fold some laundry every week or two and will load/unload the dishwasher on occasion (3-4x a week) and will put at least 1 child to bed when he is home. He usually gets up with a child at night. He takes out the trash once a week regularly. We have a lawn service and 2x a month cleaners for the heavy stuff.

I don't know if I really AM that bad or if other moms just get more help from their dh. Am I Martha Stewart? Hell, no. Could I be on Hoarders? No, not that either? Perspective?

OP - I'm not a SAHM and have one preschooler, no special needs (we hope to have another in the next year or so) so I can't really relate, but I did want to say, not saying your husband is a bad guy but do think he sounds a little 1950ish. I work, and married the son of a working mom who does MORE than me (we also outsource housekeeping and have family nearby - HUGE help), but I don't think the house should look great all the time! Ours does because DH is anal but mainly because....we aren't home all day to mess it up!!! And of course we only have one child. And my dresser is a mess - when company comes or when the cleaning lady is coming I shove everything in the closet! I'm sure the families he is visiting are doing the same thing! Does he go into their bedrooms? Likely not.

Everyone's circumstances are different. Why don't you start by telling your husband what you DO accomplish every day? Probably a lot with three kids!!!! I'm sure you someone could pick apart his job and tell him what he is doing WRONG but likely he is doing some things right too. You have a lot on your plate right now. Go easy on yourself.

[Anonymous]

I stay at home with three kids and my husband works to support all of us financially. I see it as my job to run the kids around, keep the house clean (without help) and keep the house running smoothly. I am definitely type a but I know my husband would be a little perplexed if our house was a total disaster.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I should add that I do realize that there are days or times when I know I"m just 'feeling lazy' and don't feel like doing work and I just fart around. I also know there are times when I know I"m not using my tme wisely....I think everyone does this to some degree. But my frustration is because the majority of the time, I don't think this is the cause of the problem. I just dont' have the energy to stay up late to catch up or keep up. Or to wake up before the kids, or to just 'hustle' and multitask like I need to. I also forget things and am disorganized even when I make every effort not to be. So even when I'm trying my best and think I'm doing all I can do and then some, it just isn't enough (and by enough I mean enough to keep up, not 'perfect', kwim?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home with three kids and my husband works to support all of us financially. I see it as my job to run the kids around, keep the house clean (without help) and keep the house running smoothly. I am definitely type a but I know my husband would be a little perplexed if our house was a total disaster.

How old are you kids and what are they doing while you are keeping the house "clean and running smoothly"?

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier about time management. I admit that I overlooked the bit about chronic illness.

So if you're doing all you can, talk to your husband. Explain to him just exactly how long it takes to get through a doctor's appointment, with travel time, wait time, etc. Tell him what you did today.

Here's a biggie: Keep him informed about your health. My husband and I both work and have similar, flexible schedules. But he has a chronic health problem. Here is a typical situation for us:
Me: Remember the Jones are coming over for dinner. I'm going to run out to the grocery store, then go straight to school pickup and ballet. I'll be home in time to put the lasagne in the oven and make the sides. Will you run the vacuum while I'm out?
Him: Sure, no problem.
Three hours later: I'm home with hungry kid and groceries, ready to start on salad. The floor hasn't been touched. Husband hasn't moved from the computer.
Me: Ack! I don't have time to placate the kid, make the sides, AND vacuum before the Jones get here!!
Him: Yeah, sorry, my XYZ is really acting up.

If he had TOLD me that he wouldn't be able to vacuum in those three hours, I would have done it, been quicker at the store, not chatted with the teacher. It's the "yeah, I'll handle it" response that drives me nuts. I can deal with his illness and his inability to pitch in sometimes. But he needs to communicate with me. He needs to say "I honestly don't think I can manage that. I will pay the bills." (since he can do that sitting down.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I should add that I do realize that there are days or times when I know I"m just 'feeling lazy' and don't feel like doing work and I just fart around. I also know there are times when I know I"m not using my tme wisely....I think everyone does this to some degree. But my frustration is because the majority of the time, I don't think this is the cause of the problem. I just dont' have the energy to stay up late to catch up or keep up. Or to wake up before the kids, or to just 'hustle' and multitask like I need to. I also forget things and am disorganized even when I make every effort not to be. So even when I'm trying my best and think I'm doing all I can do and then some, it just isn't enough (and by enough I mean enough to keep up, not 'perfect', kwim?)

This tale of woe is a triangle: OP's side DH's side; and, the real story. Alll we know is OP's side and I simply don't buy it at all. With all the medical problems she claims, why doesn't she have someone helping her? There is enough money for lawn service and house cleaning every two weeks so there should be money for some kind of nursing assistance with children and for herself. It is a fishy story and before any judgment is made, I wold like to hear DH's side of story. Sorry, OP I think you are a professional victim.