DH thinks I should be able to do it all or at least most of it

[Anonymous]

IMO it all boils down to what you place a priority on. For me, having a tidy (superficially at least, no one needs to know about my closets is important and I admit to cleaning before playing with my kids. But, if I play first I'm not into it at all and worry about what needs to be done. I also have kids cloe in age and figure 30 minutes or so of playing independently after a meal while I clean up is good for them. But, my MIL is completely the oppositie and will leave a huge mess to play with the kids. So, everyone is different

OP - if you can't change things than your husband just needs to learn to accept they way they are (unless he wants to pitch in more or hire someone to do it for you both).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I should add that I do realize that there are days or times when I know I"m just 'feeling lazy' and don't feel like doing work and I just fart around. I also know there are times when I know I"m not using my tme wisely....I think everyone does this to some degree. But my frustration is because the majority of the time, I don't think this is the cause of the problem. I just dont' have the energy to stay up late to catch up or keep up. Or to wake up before the kids, or to just 'hustle' and multitask like I need to. I also forget things and am disorganized even when I make every effort not to be. So even when I'm trying my best and think I'm doing all I can do and then some, it just isn't enough (and by enough I mean enough to keep up, not 'perfect', kwim?)

This tale of woe is a triangle: OP's side DH's side; and, the real story. Alll we know is OP's side and I simply don't buy it at all. With all the medical problems she claims, why doesn't she have someone helping her? There is enough money for lawn service and house cleaning every two weeks so there should be money for some kind of nursing assistance with children and for herself. It is a fishy story and before any judgment is made, I wold like to hear DH's side of story. Sorry, OP I think you are a professional victim.

NURSING ASSISTANCE??? for Fibromyalgia? WTF? Do you really think its that black and white? Completely handicapped or supermom?

[Anonymous]

OP - I can sympathize.

Some people on here are not being really nice because obviously they have easy lives.

I have 2 kids (both with special needs) and fibromayalsia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Chronic illnesses take a toll on people. My husband supports the family but does do a few things from time to time. He does the outside stuff. I would love a housekeeper and yard person but can't afford it. Thankfully my husband is tolerate of a messy house (not dirty because I do clean but messy).

We put more emphasis on playing with the kids and doing family stuff. I can have a clean house when my kids leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading so many posts about people who delegate so much to their dh...

I'm a sahm to 3 kids..8, 6 and almost 3. I will be the first to admit I am not a good housekeeper. But I do want to be and I try....I just am completely overwhelmed. Combine this with some health problems (fibromyalgia, hypothryroid), children with sleep problems (special needs, not behavioral) and I'm sure a touch of ADD. I am daily juggling dr appts and therapy appts, school runs, afterschool activities, all the stuff other moms do (and maybe a bit more b/c of the special needs of 2 of them). I go to bed at 9 or 10, read for an hour or so and get up at 7. I do feel like I need 8 hours to feel ok and often don't get that if one of the kids has a problem at night. I wish I could do more after the kids are asleep but mentally and phyically, I crash as soon as they are all in bed.

He sees other sahm with nice, tidy homes...beds made, sparkling bathrooms, no piles of laundry to do, fold or put away, no toys on floor, no papers in piles (or at least where you can see) don't have dishes that never completely "done", etc and DH says..."why can't you do that? What's wrong with you? Everyone else seems to be able to do this and none of my friends understand why you can't. They all have wives that can manage, etc, etc." I hate that he seems to be complaining/comparing my housekeeping with others, too.

He will wash and fold some laundry every week or two and will load/unload the dishwasher on occasion (3-4x a week) and will put at least 1 child to bed when he is home. He usually gets up with a child at night. He takes out the trash once a week regularly. We have a lawn service and 2x a month cleaners for the heavy stuff.


I don't know if I really AM that bad or if other moms just get more help from their dh. Am I Martha Stewart? Hell, no. Could I be on Hoarders? No, not that either? Perspective?

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. It's a crappy situation for sure. I would remind dear husband that the homes that he sees that are tidy and neat are not homes where the dynamics are the same. Most parents don't have as much on their plates as far as dealing with special needs children. Sometimes a good old fashioned breakdown in your husbands presence can be enough to get him to realize that you're a human being and not a superhuman android with no needs of your own. Would he be open to the possibility of hiring a housekeeper, even for one day a week just to help lighten your load? Also, sometimes we moms make it look too easy and our husbands don't think that we need help and some husbands just need to be told how to help out. Don't be afraid to delegate, and don't beat yourself up because you're house might be a little messy. It's really not a big deal. Just put your focus where you think it should go, and don't bother with the rest of it. If it bothers your husband enough, then he will do the leftover chores on his own. If he doesn't do them, then he can't complain about them! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

For anyone who underestimates the damage that fibromyalgia can do, I have seen it wreak havoc on people with it. It makes it hard to even function at all, let alone do things that require physical effort! I feel your pain, OP, just a different kind of pain. I have herniated discs in my lumbar region of my spine and I have sciatica. I have 3 types of anemia, which can flare up and really mess with me. I also have chronic insomnia, I got diagnosed with it 3 years ago and it sucks so bad when I have a rough night of sleep because it messes with my head the next day. It really and truly is hard to even be motivated to get out of bed sometimes when every fiber of your being in screaming at you that everything hurts. I would make sure that your DH knows how bad things are for you right now. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

A couple ideas:
- Give DH the task of organizing a part of the house each weekend. Like, frequent trips to the container store. He's probably somewhat OCD and needs everything to be in its place, and when it's not (since you have a cleaner every 2 wks it's probably not filth he's concerned about), he gets stressed and uncomfortable. He needs to meet you halfway, and help you implement an organizational system that works for YOU. Especially if you have some ADD, or your kids do, then labels and containers and 'places' for everything - as well as 'systems' - will make a world of difference. For instance, I have several laundry baskets all over the house so wherever the clothes end up, they aren't in piles on the floor. Then it's easy for me to take them all upstairs and sort them.

- YOUR KIDS NEED TO HELP. At 8 yrs old it was ALWAYS my job to empty the dishwasher after school. My younger brother took out the trash. I vacuumed too. We prepped dinner and set the table. Especially the school aged kids, they need to clean up their messes before moving onto the next thing. Making beds? Eh. Honestly I think a kid's room is their own thing. But they can help change the bed, fold the laundry, etc. Even small tasks - 'can you round up all the shoes and put them in the mudroom?' will make a big difference and can be done by the youngster or SN child. Put on some upbeat music and have 'chore time' every day - the kids won't mind, too much

- Take it outside - if you're in the house all day long, it'll get destroyed. Try going to the park or the backyard or places where they can't make a mess. (or, like those other 'clean' houses!)

- Communicate more about how you're feeling and ASK him for help BEFORE he complains. Like, 'I'm really sorry but the kids were out of control and there are paper airplanes and matchbox cars everywhere. Just please don't freak out when you get home, I don't have the energy to pick it up right now and the kids are ignoring me.' Then he will be prepared to walk into the disaster zone with a helpful frame of mind. At least, that's what I feel when I come home from a day 'out' and DH has been home with the kid (s)....if he prepares me for how different the house looks than it did earlier, then I am better able to bite my tongue and dive into cleanup mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home with three kids and my husband works to support all of us financially. I see it as my job to run the kids around, keep the house clean (without help) and keep the house running smoothly. I am definitely type a but I know my husband would be a little perplexed if our house was a total disaster.

Do you have fibromyalgia??

[Anonymous]

Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

OP here...this a great post...very insightful...but at the same time makes me feel unqualified to be a mom!

[Anonymous]

It sucks being an adult with ADHD because I'm terribly disorganized! Don't get me wrong, my house is clean, it's just cluttered in my kitchen cabinets and drawers. I started organizing last night and I got so overwhelmed that I just shoved everything back into the drawer!!! My husband (who also has ADD) started a huge project before he left to visit his family on Saturday and there are thousands of pictures in various piles in our family room! That's where ADD will get ya. Starting huge projects and never finishing them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess? He sees the other people's houses after they've thrown everything in the closets before company comes over.
I'm a neat freak (and "good" at cleaning), and since having a baby, I've definitely compromised on that. AND I have a nanny who picks up for us and only one baby who doesn't really make messes beyond a scattering of toys that can be thrown into the toy bin in 30 seconds.

Also, it's seems really, really rude and unappreciative to compare your spouse to others. I mean, do you go around to nicer houses and ask him why he doesn't make more money?

The part in bold is EXACTLY what I was thinking. OP, you need to DH that everyone cleans before company comes over. We live in a sea of toys, and DH understands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also, it's seems really, really rude and unappreciative to compare your spouse to others. I mean, do you go around to nicer houses and ask him why he doesn't make more money?

Love it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

OP here...this a great post...very insightful...but at the same time makes me feel unqualified to be a mom!

OP: when were you diagnosed with all these medical problems? I doubt that it was after the birth of your 3rd child so it was either before, or shortly after, birth of first child. That should have told you that you didn't need to have any more children for health reasons. But it didn't so now you get your kicks by wallowing in self-pits. You could have made a bed, hung up clothes, washed a load of laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom in all the time you have spent posting on DCUM. Why do you have the energy to go on DCUM and do not have the energy to keep your house half way decent? OP, you are a text book example of malingering. Shut up and clean your house before it is condemned by the health department. I feel sorry for your husband and your children. He should divorce you, get custody of children and leave you to live in your dirty house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

OP here...this a great post...very insightful...but at the same time makes me feel unqualified to be a mom!

OP: when were you diagnosed with all these medical problems? I doubt that it was after the birth of your 3rd child so it was either before, or shortly after, birth of first child. That should have told you that you didn't need to have any more children for health reasons. But it didn't so now you get your kicks by wallowing in self-pits. You could have made a bed, hung up clothes, washed a load of laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom in all the time you have spent posting on DCUM. Why do you have the energy to go on DCUM and do not have the energy to keep your house half way decent? OP, you are a text book example of malingering. Shut up and clean your house before it is condemned by the health department. I feel sorry for your husband and your children. He should divorce you, get custody of children and leave you to live in your dirty house.

self-pity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's imagine you have three kids, ages 8, 6 and 3. You want to hire a nanny to both care for the 3 year old all day, as well as get the 6 and 8 year old to school and to various after school activities and supervise homework.

In addition, while supervising the 3 year old during the day, you also want to the nanny to be the household manager -- do the grocery shopping, cook all the meals, keep the house tidy, and do much of the laundry. The mom and dad will empty the dishwasher 4x a week and do occasional laundry on the weekends. There is a cleaning service twice a month so the nanny/housekeeper doesn't have to mop floors and clean the bathrooms, and someone comes by to mow the lawns.

How hard would it be to find someone to take this position and how much would you have to pay him or her?

Also-- would you expect a nanny who has fibromyalgia (and low thyroid) plus some ADD/disorganization issues to be a good candidate for this job?

OP here...this a great post...very insightful...but at the same time makes me feel unqualified to be a mom!

OP: when were you diagnosed with all these medical problems? I doubt that it was after the birth of your 3rd child so it was either before, or shortly after, birth of first child. That should have told you that you didn't need to have any more children for health reasons. But it didn't so now you get your kicks by wallowing in self-pits. You could have made a bed, hung up clothes, washed a load of laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom in all the time you have spent posting on DCUM. Why do you have the energy to go on DCUM and do not have the energy to keep your house half way decent? OP, you are a text book example of malingering. Shut up and clean your house before it is condemned by the health department. I feel sorry for your husband and your children. He should divorce you, get custody of children and leave you to live in your dirty house.

That is one of the meanest posts I have read on DCUM (above in bold). OP, I posted before about the sea of toys. Your DH needs to be a little more understanding. Perhaps you could hire someone to help with cleaning?