“Mean Girl” apologized. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

You don't get to tell me that I mean something I don't. Talk about a mean girl who didn't grow up. You are saying some really horrible things about me that I am telling you I didn't mean. Maybe you need to look in the mirror before lashing out at a stranger.

I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler. That doesn't mean people don't change.

Oh, I do apologize if I have misinterpreted your intentions! I’m sure they were nothing but kind. But if you would humor us, please explain what exactly was the point of this statement (in the context of this conversation about a girl who has already apologized for her behavior):

“Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.”

Seriously, you posted this for a reason. What exactly are you trying to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

You don't get to tell me that I mean something I don't. Talk about a mean girl who didn't grow up. You are saying some really horrible things about me that I am telling you I didn't mean. Maybe you need to look in the mirror before lashing out at a stranger.

I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler. That doesn't mean people don't change.

Oh, I do apologize if I have misinterpreted your intentions! I’m sure they were nothing but kind. But if you would humor us, please explain what exactly was the point of this statement (in the context of this conversation about a girl who has already apologized for her behavior):

“Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.”

Seriously, you posted this for a reason. What exactly are you trying to say?

You are being very unkind, sarcastic and calling me names based on an assumption that reflects YOUR biases and issues and has nothing to do with me, but I'll explain it to you.

Read the first paragraph quoted at the very top. The PP intimates that mean girl behavior is some kind of right of passage that is normal for tween development. Like the PP is dismissing mean girl behavior as something we should accept as part of tweens being tweens.

Then read my last paragraph above. Here, I'll repeat it for you: I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler.

Being a tween is an awkward time and most people probably had something pop out of our mouths that they regretted. The growth in language sophistication along with the lack of mature executive function means these things happen. As the one PP said, no one is perfect. But the organized effort to ostracize someone is not something every teen does as part of their development. I'm guessing most of us never did something like that. But all of us knew one girl who did at some point.

As I also said, that doesn't mean people don't change. But some people don't. Your complete overreaction to my post, your over the top accusations based on so little, and your name-calling make me wonder if you were one of those girls that didn't change.

I will accept your apology at any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

You don't get to tell me that I mean something I don't. Talk about a mean girl who didn't grow up. You are saying some really horrible things about me that I am telling you I didn't mean. Maybe you need to look in the mirror before lashing out at a stranger.

I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler. That doesn't mean people don't change.

Oh, I do apologize if I have misinterpreted your intentions! I’m sure they were nothing but kind. But if you would humor us, please explain what exactly was the point of this statement (in the context of this conversation about a girl who has already apologized for her behavior):

“Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.”

Seriously, you posted this for a reason. What exactly are you trying to say?

NP to this thread. You need to get literate and chill out, babe. You’re not exactly modeling a life without resentment. Whatever your day job, work on those analytical skills and your faulty moral compass.

You owe the mom you attacked an apology. Better luck next time, wannabe bad-a$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

You don't get to tell me that I mean something I don't. Talk about a mean girl who didn't grow up. You are saying some really horrible things about me that I am telling you I didn't mean. Maybe you need to look in the mirror before lashing out at a stranger.

I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler. That doesn't mean people don't change.

Oh, I do apologize if I have misinterpreted your intentions! I’m sure they were nothing but kind. But if you would humor us, please explain what exactly was the point of this statement (in the context of this conversation about a girl who has already apologized for her behavior):

“Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.”

Seriously, you posted this for a reason. What exactly are you trying to say?

NP to this thread. You need to get literate and chill out, babe. You’re not exactly modeling a life without resentment. Whatever your day job, work on those analytical skills and your faulty moral compass.

You owe the mom you attacked an apology. Better luck next time, wannabe bad-a$$.

Nope. She’s lying to herself (and everyone else) about her intentions. She posted that to indicate that some girls are nice and some girls are mean. It was completely passive aggressive and now she’s trying to hide behind her straw man of just arguing against the idea that literally every single girl is mean at some point (which no one said).

And if this is an “attack” I think you might be too fragile for the internet.

[Anonymous]

Not pp..This is getting a bit too esoteric. But I’d agree that most middle schoolers at least participate in some sort of inclusion, at minimum just stand around and let it happen in a passive way. It’s the rare kid that really stands up to this kind of behavior especially in the moment. A lot of kids freeze and are afraid of being the next target and these are exactly the kids who come later to apologize.

[Anonymous]

Exclusion not inclusion …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mean girl is now experiencing the same behavior and is looking for friends.

Your DD should blow her off.

Perhaps Mean Girl is seeing how awful that group is and really isn't comfortable with it herself. Maybe she is looking for friends and a way out. OP's daughter is under no obligation to provide that to her; but I think it's significant that mean girl recognized her behavior and actually apologized. OP's DD can choose to do what she thinks is right, though at a minimum I think "right" would be to accept the apology and let mean girl know she appreciates the apology. If mean girl is showing additional interest in rekindling a friendship, then OP's DD can let her know that even though she appreciates the apology, she was very hurt and is not interested.

[Anonymous]

Y’all are way too up in your daughters’ business. The girls need to work it out themselves, they don’t need their mothers refereeing from the sidelines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are way too up in your daughters’ business. The girls need to work it out themselves, they don’t need their mothers refereeing from the sidelines.

Ummm...OP mom isn't planning to talk directly to the "mean girl." She's caring for her daughter, providing support, guidance, and perspective....which is a very lovely thing to do, and quite frankly, the parents' job. Tween/teen don't have the perspective that an adult has. Learning how to be tactful is a skill teens can be taught....many DCUM posters seemed to miss that lesson when they were teens themselves...

DD will handle it and can take or leave mom's input, but in this post DD seemed to want to talk to mom...mom should not say "your problem, you take care of it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are way too up in your daughters’ business. The girls need to work it out themselves, they don’t need their mothers refereeing from the sidelines.

A lot of these issues would not get so bad if mothers would do better coaching of how to be a friend. This "hands off" approach is how we got here in the first place. Every "I just stay out of it" mother I know has a mean daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, I do apologize if I have misinterpreted your intentions! I’m sure they were nothing but kind. But if you would humor us, please explain what exactly was the point of this statement (in the context of this conversation about a girl who has already apologized for her behavior):

“Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.”

Seriously, you posted this for a reason. What exactly are you trying to say?

Being mean is learned behavior, from parents or siblings? It is not some sort of right of passage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

You don't get to tell me that I mean something I don't. Talk about a mean girl who didn't grow up. You are saying some really horrible things about me that I am telling you I didn't mean. Maybe you need to look in the mirror before lashing out at a stranger.

I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler. That doesn't mean people don't change.

Oh, I do apologize if I have misinterpreted your intentions! I’m sure they were nothing but kind. But if you would humor us, please explain what exactly was the point of this statement (in the context of this conversation about a girl who has already apologized for her behavior):

“Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.”

Seriously, you posted this for a reason. What exactly are you trying to say?

Being mean is learned behavior, from parents or siblings? It is not some sort of right of passage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

You don't get to tell me that I mean something I don't. Talk about a mean girl who didn't grow up. You are saying some really horrible things about me that I am telling you I didn't mean. Maybe you need to look in the mirror before lashing out at a stranger.

I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler. That doesn't mean people don't change.

Oh, I do apologize if I have misinterpreted your intentions! I’m sure they were nothing but kind. But if you would humor us, please explain what exactly was the point of this statement (in the context of this conversation about a girl who has already apologized for her behavior):

“Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.”

Seriously, you posted this for a reason. What exactly are you trying to say?

NP to this thread. You need to get literate and chill out, babe. You’re not exactly modeling a life without resentment. Whatever your day job, work on those analytical skills and your faulty moral compass.

You owe the mom you attacked an apology. Better luck next time, wannabe bad-a$$.

Nope. She’s lying to herself (and everyone else) about her intentions. She posted that to indicate that some girls are nice and some girls are mean. It was completely passive aggressive and now she’s trying to hide behind her straw man of just arguing against the idea that literally every single girl is mean at some point (which no one said).

And if this is an “attack” I think you might be too fragile for the internet.

Nope. I am not a passive aggressive person. I say what I mean. I stated it clearly. If you refuse to accept my straight up statement, that's your pathology.

I wonder why you twisted my first statement the way you did. All I said is that not all people are mean in middle school and then you start talking about bitter revenge. What? Your response made literally no sense. Were you a middle school bully? Has your daughter been accused of being one? Why else would you stay on the attack like this and call a stranger a liar with absolutely no leg to stand on? Why can't you just can't admit you flew off the handle over nothing and are wrong.

[Anonymous]

haven't really read the full thread, but just jumping in to say that in my middle school experience, all the girls (it was a small school) engaged in exclusionary behavior, either directly or were complicit. Who was "out" was fluid and changed at least quarterly or so. If I'd written off all the girls who excluded me at some point, and later apologized, I'd have had zero friends. We were all so forgiving during that period because of how quickly social relationships/drama changed.

All this to say that middle school friendship dynamics are SO different from adult dynamics and they're figuring out how to create stable friendships. If your daughter likes the girl, she will probably give her another chance (even if an adult woman would be likely to cut off a friend who engaged in similar behavior). And if your daughter doesn't care much about the girl, she will probably leave the friendship behind.

I think grownups should probably stop projecting their own boundaries and relationship expectations on little kids learning how to relate to one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haven't really read the full thread, but just jumping in to say that in my middle school experience, all the girls (it was a small school) engaged in exclusionary behavior, either directly or were complicit. Who was "out" was fluid and changed at least quarterly or so. If I'd written off all the girls who excluded me at some point, and later apologized, I'd have had zero friends. We were all so forgiving during that period because of how quickly social relationships/drama changed.

All this to say that middle school friendship dynamics are SO different from adult dynamics and they're figuring out how to create stable friendships. If your daughter likes the girl, she will probably give her another chance (even if an adult woman would be likely to cut off a friend who engaged in similar behavior). And if your daughter doesn't care much about the girl, she will probably leave the friendship behind.

I think grownups should probably stop projecting their own boundaries and relationship expectations on little kids learning how to relate to one another.

I remember how awful some girls were in middle and high school. Not sure if I got a grand apology but I know at least one told me at one time that she was sooo mad at me and has no idea what that was about, she wasn’t even sure why they did that. But the whole group iced me out for a long time. Over nothing apparently. Luckily I moved away after high school and never talked to any of them again. I made normal friends in college and after who didn’t act like that. They may have had their own issues in their younger years but they didn’t try it on me and I respect myself enough to not let people treat me badly and then have to pretend it never happened. We can advise our children to do the same based on our own life experiences.