“Mean Girl” apologized. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at the urging of a more “popular” girl they were getting close with whom DD wasn’t interested in befriending.

This part confuses me. Where was the chicken and the egg in this?

Same. It looks like there was another girl the group wanted to hang out with and the op daughter didn’t want her in the group. The group chose the “popular” girl.

Maybe the group was going in a different direction?

+1

It may be that this story is told very differently from the other side. For whatever reason, OP's DD viewed the popular girl as someone that she didn't want in the group. We don't know the reasons for that but it sounds like more than one girl made hurtful choices along the way, and DD has treated the choices of others as unforgiveable. If I insisted on grading the rest of the world in this way, I'd have to be awfully sure that I had never made and would never make a choice that hurt someone else, and few people can live up to that standard.

[Anonymous]

[\quotde]
This is why often the bully and followers turn on the girl who sticks up for the bullied, then the bullied girl joins the other side. It's a test to see who possesses the required lack of moral compass to join the mean girls.

Lack of moral compass to join the mean girls.

Spot on.
Those who (currently) lack this moral compass are easy to control to do queen bee’s bidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to DD process the experience and resist the temptation to express your thoughts and advice.

If she asks what to do, I would recommend she say "Thank you for apologizing. I appreciate it." And then carry on as polite acquaintances for a while rather than resuming a friendship-- see how it goes for a bit.

Yep. Maybe the girl needs a friend now. No need for your daughter to jump back into the group. But why not just be cool to this girl who was brave and smart enough to apologize? Maybe they will ease into a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at the urging of a more “popular” girl they were getting close with whom DD wasn’t interested in befriending.

This part confuses me. Where was the chicken and the egg in this?

Same. It looks like there was another girl the group wanted to hang out with and the op daughter didn’t want her in the group. The group chose the “popular” girl.

Maybe the group was going in a different direction?

+1

It may be that this story is told very differently from the other side. For whatever reason, OP's DD viewed the popular girl as someone that she didn't want in the group. We don't know the reasons for that but it sounds like more than one girl made hurtful choices along the way, and DD has treated the choices of others as unforgiveable. If I insisted on grading the rest of the world in this way, I'd have to be awfully sure that I had never made and would never make a choice that hurt someone else, and few people can live up to that standard.

This seems a common issue with girls this age. They hold others to impossible standards (that they themselves cannot uphold either) and then deem transgressions “unforgivable.” It’s a terrible way to run a friendship and it’s not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

I highly suggest you stop with the mean girl trope and start to realize that these situations are usually complicated and being navigated by a bunch of immature kids who have buckets of insecurities as middle schoolers do.

I’m not blaming your daughter but if she refuses to be friends with the one girl, that did create an environment where kids this age are going to feel like they have to pick between them. They grow out of that as they get older and realize they can have different groups of friends and keep things seperate, but it takes a pretty emotionally mature 7th grader to do that - with that in mind, I’d encourage her to accept the apology and “be chill” with the girl as my kids would say. That does not mean friends - the other girl did not pick her when push came to shove and she should remember that. But it’s not healthy for anyone to harbor resentment and modeling moving past that while keeping boundaries intact is great emotional growth.

I have one daughter who was a “burn it all down” kinda person with friends (usually after putting up with a lot) and one that learned the previous skills of forgiveness (with boundaries intact) very young and the second way has been so much better…she’s so much happier in general (and so has my other daughter as she finally learns this at 16/17)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly suggest you stop with the mean girl trope and start to realize that these situations are usually complicated and being navigated by a bunch of immature kids who have buckets of insecurities as middle schoolers do.

I’m not blaming your daughter but if she refuses to be friends with the one girl, that did create an environment where kids this age are going to feel like they have to pick between them. They grow out of that as they get older and realize they can have different groups of friends and keep things seperate, but it takes a pretty emotionally mature 7th grader to do that - with that in mind, I’d encourage her to accept the apology and “be chill” with the girl as my kids would say. That does not mean friends - the other girl did not pick her when push came to shove and she should remember that. But it’s not healthy for anyone to harbor resentment and modeling moving past that while keeping boundaries intact is great emotional growth.

I have one daughter who was a “burn it all down” kinda person with friends (usually after putting up with a lot) and one that learned the previous skills of forgiveness (with boundaries intact) very young and the second way has been so much better…she’s so much happier in general (and so has my other daughter as she finally learns this at 16/17)

I have two daughters like this and I pray that the “burn it down” one will learn this by 16/17!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly suggest you stop with the mean girl trope and start to realize that these situations are usually complicated and being navigated by a bunch of immature kids who have buckets of insecurities as middle schoolers do.

I’m not blaming your daughter but if she refuses to be friends with the one girl, that did create an environment where kids this age are going to feel like they have to pick between them. They grow out of that as they get older and realize they can have different groups of friends and keep things seperate, but it takes a pretty emotionally mature 7th grader to do that - with that in mind, I’d encourage her to accept the apology and “be chill” with the girl as my kids would say. That does not mean friends - the other girl did not pick her when push came to shove and she should remember that. But it’s not healthy for anyone to harbor resentment and modeling moving past that while keeping boundaries intact is great emotional growth.

I have one daughter who was a “burn it all down” kinda person with friends (usually after putting up with a lot) and one that learned the previous skills of forgiveness (with boundaries intact) very young and the second way has been so much better…she’s so much happier in general (and so has my other daughter as she finally learns this at 16/17)

My son was very good friends with a boy who decided to burn it all down. He has some complicating factors in that he (the friend) is homeschooled, and his mom encourages him to behave that way. But he cut ties with my son a year ago and according to his dad still doesn't have any good friends. And the kid still feels bitter and blames my son. Since then I have been so thankful that DS hasn't had any of these "mean girl" situations. Not that they'll never happen again but it's way less common with boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I highly suggest you stop with the mean girl trope and start to realize that these situations are usually complicated and being navigated by a bunch of immature kids who have buckets of insecurities as middle schoolers do.

I’m not blaming your daughter but if she refuses to be friends with the one girl, that did create an environment where kids this age are going to feel like they have to pick between them. They grow out of that as they get older and realize they can have different groups of friends and keep things seperate, but it takes a pretty emotionally mature 7th grader to do that - with that in mind, I’d encourage her to accept the apology and “be chill” with the girl as my kids would say. That does not mean friends - the other girl did not pick her when push came to shove and she should remember that. But it’s not healthy for anyone to harbor resentment and modeling moving past that while keeping boundaries intact is great emotional growth.

I have one daughter who was a “burn it all down” kinda person with friends (usually after putting up with a lot) and one that learned the previous skills of forgiveness (with boundaries intact) very young and the second way has been so much better…she’s so much happier in general (and so has my other daughter as she finally learns this at 16/17)

I have two daughters like this and I pray that the “burn it down” one will learn this by 16/17!!

I hope so too - I have no idea why people are encouraging this! Holding onto resentment is the worst.

For mine that’s finally learning it - I suspect many others who burn it to the ground - it was actually emotional suppression. She would push down how she felt, not communicate calmly as things happened, fear confrontation and expressing herself, until the friendship was so frustrating she would end it in a huff, and kind of deactivate. If you look up avoidant attachment a lot of these kids follow these patterns.

It took a dating relationship that was mostly positive as well as a new friend group with better conflict resolution skills than the immature and/or trauma kids for her to slowly learn to communicate better before it got bad, and also to apologize and receive apologies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to DD process the experience and resist the temptation to express your thoughts and advice.

If she asks what to do, I would recommend she say "Thank you for apologizing. I appreciate it." And then carry on as polite acquaintances for a while rather than resuming a friendship-- see how it goes for a bit.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

Looking around the world today, I don't believe this anymore. Truly lovely people are rare gems. But I do agree most of them will become passable, functional members of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you have the wrong (in my opinion!) idea of what's going on with tween development. It's an awkward time in every developmental way. Most of these tweens will become lovely teens, and nearly all will become lovely adults.

That’s nice for them. I think most of us ran into people like this in school and we don’t really care how these people turned out later. But we remember them clearly and vowed to never name our kids that same name due to the negative association.

News flash: somewhere in your life, you too have hurt someone else. That’s just reality. None of us is perfect.

DP. This is most certainly true. But some of us can actually say that we didn't do it intentionally or with malice. Some of us actually managed to get through middle school (prime time for this kind of nonsense) without being mean and exclusionary on purpose.

And now you’re getting your revenge on kids even though you’re an adult. Maybe you should have worked through some of this when it was actually developmentally appropriate. Then you might not be such a bitter, resentful grown woman.

What? I said I was a DP. Your accusations against me make no sense based on my one little post. Revenge on kids? WTF.

Maybe it is you who needs to reflect on why you are attacking anonymous people on the internet based on...nothing?

Please. Your post is essentially agreeing with the “mean girl for life” branding for a 12 year old girl. Because *you* were such a better person at 12, you feel entitled to passively encourage this ridiculous and mean spirited trope. You’re one of many bitter women in this thread who are clearly happy with the idea of a tween girl suffering or being punished forever.

You don't get to tell me that I mean something I don't. Talk about a mean girl who didn't grow up. You are saying some really horrible things about me that I am telling you I didn't mean. Maybe you need to look in the mirror before lashing out at a stranger.

I dispute that *everyone* has a mean girl phase in middle school and that being mean is a "normal" part of being a middle schooler. That doesn't mean people don't change.