“Mean Girl” apologized. What now?

[Anonymous]

Last year in 7th grade, DDs entire friend group turned on her. I had posted about it here, how basically they chose to exclude her, escalating things to lite “mean girl” type bullying, at the urging of a more “popular” girl they were getting close with whom DD wasn’t interested in befriending. It was a really sad time for DD.

DD, now 8th, confided in me that one of those friends apologized to her yesterday. The girl told DD that she was sorry, and that she never meant for things to “get that bad”. DD said that she has no interest in rekindling a friendship, because she’s still hanging out with the “bad crowd”. I explained that her friend showed integrity in apologizing, but she shouldn’t feel any obligation to her. It was late and this was a bedtime confession, but I could tell maybe DD was looking for more from me, but I don’t know what? Is there anything more I should do?

[Anonymous]

Listen to DD process the experience and resist the temptation to express your thoughts and advice.

If she asks what to do, I would recommend she say "Thank you for apologizing. I appreciate it." And then carry on as polite acquaintances for a while rather than resuming a friendship-- see how it goes for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just ask her how she feels about the apology...although she pretty much said her intent and has a good explanation for it. Seems like your DD has a good handle on it and just encourage her to continue her life as it was. If you think DD wants to talk about something more, ask her if she wants to talk about something more.
Sorry this happened to her! Something similar going on with my 7th grade DD too.

[Anonymous]

I’d set some boundaries with mean girl and stay the heck away from her

[Anonymous]

Agree - she heard the apology and now it's done. Go on as she was before apology. No change in the relationship with this mean girl, certainly don't rekindle the friendship. I would absolutely tell my DD my thoughts and advice and then see what she thinks of it and discuss.

[Anonymous]

Mean girl is now experiencing the same behavior and is looking for friends.

Your DD should blow her off.

[Anonymous]

This bullying happened to me over 50 years ago and my best friend who turned on me apologized a few years later. I thanked her, but never wanted to be friends again. The whole experience is such an unpleasant memory for me. Amazing that something like that sticks with you. It made me a kinder person though, and made me realize that the bully has issues of her own and it was easier to express her pain on an easy target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just ask her how she feels about the apology...although she pretty much said her intent and has a good explanation for it. Seems like your DD has a good handle on it and just encourage her to continue her life as it was. If you think DD wants to talk about something more, ask her if she wants to talk about something more.
Sorry this happened to her! Something similar going on with my 7th grade DD too.

I agree with this. I think following dd's lead is better than the other replies that suggest telling DD what to do.

My DD and I were each burned similarly in 7th grade. I didn't get my apology until my 10 year high school reunion! DD hasn't gotten hers yet, either, and the friend who betrayed her is still riding high in popularity.

I think kids these age want someone to listen to them more than they want descriptive advice. Often advice backfires anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This bullying happened to me over 50 years ago and my best friend who turned on me apologized a few years later. I thanked her, but never wanted to be friends again. The whole experience is such an unpleasant memory for me. Amazing that something like that sticks with you. It made me a kinder person though, and made me realize that the bully has issues of her own and it was easier to express her pain on an easy target.

+1 the apology was a classy move from a maturing young person. However, we all want friends we can trust. Agree you should just let her discuss and handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This bullying happened to me over 50 years ago and my best friend who turned on me apologized a few years later. I thanked her, but never wanted to be friends again. The whole experience is such an unpleasant memory for me. Amazing that something like that sticks with you. It made me a kinder person though, and made me realize that the bully has issues of her own and it was easier to express her pain on an easy target.

+1

Happened to me and DD.

She found a different and better friend group. She's friendly with the others and still talk to them, but she doesn't seek them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:at the urging of a more “popular” girl they were getting close with whom DD wasn’t interested in befriending.

This part confuses me. Where was the chicken and the egg in this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This bullying happened to me over 50 years ago and my best friend who turned on me apologized a few years later. I thanked her, but never wanted to be friends again. The whole experience is such an unpleasant memory for me. Amazing that something like that sticks with you. It made me a kinder person though, and made me realize that the bully has issues of her own and it was easier to express her pain on an easy target.

+1 the apology was a classy move from a maturing young person. However, we all want friends we can trust. Agree you should just let her discuss and handle it.

DP: The "I've been burned before" cynic in me worries about the sincerity of the apology. I can't help it, but in a movie script this would be step one of a set up.

[Anonymous]

Depends on if that friend is still hanging around all the other mean girls. Or if she was for some reason on the outs as well

[Anonymous]

I think you can accept an apology and be polite and nice enough to someone without being close again. If they go to the same high school they will have to see each other here and there at least, so might as well be pleasant (which doesn't mean friends, or socializing) now that the girl apologized.

[Anonymous]

It’s wonderful that this girl apologized. One day your own daughter will make a mistake and apologize and want the recipient to accept it. No one is perfect, especially young people. Praise your daughter on being kind to accept the apology and encourage her to be true to her feelings. If she feels open to the friendship being rekindled, tell her that that’s great and just proceed carefully, no rush. And if she isn’t, assure her that an apology can be accepted but that doesn’t mean the relationship has to return to the way it was before. Forgiving require us to turn back the clock.