Things I can’t say IRL. I am in a DV group for women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to work at a DV shelter. I reached the same conclusion, OP.

How did you handle these people? It does not feel appropriate to simply ‘kick them out’ as posters above suggested (including the one who claims to work in DV, which I find strange) as they seem to be fragile and mentally unwell. I don’t doubt there is probably some history of abuse somewhere in their lives, to be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a lawyer who comes from a family of lawyers and work with lawyers, etc.

The consensus is that sometimes the man is the aggressor, sometimes the woman is the aggressor yet she blames the man, and sometimes both are equally combative. I won’t go into details because I’m sure many clients might stumble on this post and recognize their crazy violent stories. Think: trying to run over your husband while taking his car…I’ll stop there.

Re: the OP - Any group like that will draw people stuck in victimhood, so I’m not dismissing your observation. I believe it. But it’s also human nature to judge others more harshly than yourself. Ever wonder what others think about you? I would just be pleasant around everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to be overly friendly—just don’t be rude or stand-offish.

And perhaps work on extricating yourself from the group as soon as you feel comfortable. You will be better served focused on forward-thinking resilience than dwelling on victimhood. Even if the group doesn’t focus on stories of abuse and is more focused on daily struggles, focusing on the negative won’t help as much as other activities.

excellent advice. if you’ve gotten out of the abusive situation maybe time to start looking ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to work at a DV shelter. I reached the same conclusion, OP.

How did you handle these people? It does not feel appropriate to simply ‘kick them out’ as posters above suggested (including the one who claims to work in DV, which I find strange) as they seem to be fragile and mentally unwell. I don’t doubt there is probably some history of abuse somewhere in their lives, to be clear.

DP. I think the best way to understand this is that if we provide low-barrier resources to help people as much as possible (like shelters where you don’t have to prove you are abused; free DV support groups) you are inevitably going to attract some people who are faking/taking advantage of. So just accept that’s part of providing the service to those who need it in the most efficient manner.

I wonder if there are any resources for AA groups out there for handling this type of issue? AA is the best established self-help support group out there and I’m sure they’ve dealt with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a lawyer who comes from a family of lawyers and work with lawyers, etc.

The consensus is that sometimes the man is the aggressor, sometimes the woman is the aggressor yet she blames the man, and sometimes both are equally combative. I won’t go into details because I’m sure many clients might stumble on this post and recognize their crazy violent stories. Think: trying to run over your husband while taking his car…I’ll stop there.

Re: the OP - Any group like that will draw people stuck in victimhood, so I’m not dismissing your observation. I believe it. But it’s also human nature to judge others more harshly than yourself. Ever wonder what others think about you? I would just be pleasant around everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to be overly friendly—just don’t be rude or stand-offish.

And perhaps work on extricating yourself from the group as soon as you feel comfortable. You will be better served focused on forward-thinking resilience than dwelling on victimhood. Even if the group doesn’t focus on stories of abuse and is more focused on daily struggles, focusing on the negative won’t help as much as other activities.

excellent advice. if you’ve gotten out of the abusive situation maybe time to start looking ahead.

Well, some people choose differently. The founder of the org is herself struggling with how to handle this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to work at a DV shelter. I reached the same conclusion, OP.

How did you handle these people? It does not feel appropriate to simply ‘kick them out’ as posters above suggested (including the one who claims to work in DV, which I find strange) as they seem to be fragile and mentally unwell. I don’t doubt there is probably some history of abuse somewhere in their lives, to be clear.

DP. I think the best way to understand this is that if we provide low-barrier resources to help people as much as possible (like shelters where you don’t have to prove you are abused; free DV support groups) you are inevitably going to attract some people who are faking/taking advantage of. So just accept that’s part of providing the service to those who need it in the most efficient manner.

I wonder if there are any resources for AA groups out there for handling this type of issue? AA is the best established self-help support group out there and I’m sure they’ve dealt with this.

That’s a really good idea. And you’re right, this is definitely a cost of doing business, as they say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to work at a DV shelter. I reached the same conclusion, OP.

How did you handle these people? It does not feel appropriate to simply ‘kick them out’ as posters above suggested (including the one who claims to work in DV, which I find strange) as they seem to be fragile and mentally unwell. I don’t doubt there is probably some history of abuse somewhere in their lives, to be clear.

DP. I think the best way to understand this is that if we provide low-barrier resources to help people as much as possible (like shelters where you don’t have to prove you are abused; free DV support groups) you are inevitably going to attract some people who are faking/taking advantage of. So just accept that’s part of providing the service to those who need it in the most efficient manner.

I wonder if there are any resources for AA groups out there for handling this type of issue? AA is the best established self-help support group out there and I’m sure they’ve dealt with this.

That’s a really good idea. And you’re right, this is definitely a cost of doing business, as they say

But it's not OP's "business." She's a participant. What can she honestly do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to work at a DV shelter. I reached the same conclusion, OP.

How did you handle these people? It does not feel appropriate to simply ‘kick them out’ as posters above suggested (including the one who claims to work in DV, which I find strange) as they seem to be fragile and mentally unwell. I don’t doubt there is probably some history of abuse somewhere in their lives, to be clear.

DP. I think the best way to understand this is that if we provide low-barrier resources to help people as much as possible (like shelters where you don’t have to prove you are abused; free DV support groups) you are inevitably going to attract some people who are faking/taking advantage of. So just accept that’s part of providing the service to those who need it in the most efficient manner.

I wonder if there are any resources for AA groups out there for handling this type of issue? AA is the best established self-help support group out there and I’m sure they’ve dealt with this.

That’s a really good idea. And you’re right, this is definitely a cost of doing business, as they say

But it's not OP's "business." She's a participant. What can she honestly do about it?

Don’t be so literal. Op made clear she has an organizational role as well. It is common for members of support groups who are through their healing to then be enlisted/offer to help in more of a volunteer role.

[Anonymous]

I’m a man who had an abusive and severely mentally ill ex, and one thing about her is she has a massive victim mentality. She never accused me of DV or anything but when I broke up with her she wouldn’t quit harassing me and telling everyone how terrible a person I was. Initially she acted nice towards me to try and win me back but when it became clear I wasn’t taking the bait she did a complete 180.

Some people are addicted to victimhood. Abusers love to use victimhood as a way to mask their own bad behaviors. I think it’s getting worse now that we as a culture have become obsessed with SJW/woke politics and the idea of everything being a story of oppressor vs oppressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a lawyer who comes from a family of lawyers and work with lawyers, etc.

The consensus is that sometimes the man is the aggressor, sometimes the woman is the aggressor yet she blames the man, and sometimes both are equally combative. I won’t go into details because I’m sure many clients might stumble on this post and recognize their crazy violent stories. Think: trying to run over your husband while taking his car…I’ll stop there.

Re: the OP - Any group like that will draw people stuck in victimhood, so I’m not dismissing your observation. I believe it. But it’s also human nature to judge others more harshly than yourself. Ever wonder what others think about you? I would just be pleasant around everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to be overly friendly—just don’t be rude or stand-offish.

And perhaps work on extricating yourself from the group as soon as you feel comfortable. You will be better served focused on forward-thinking resilience than dwelling on victimhood. Even if the group doesn’t focus on stories of abuse and is more focused on daily struggles, focusing on the negative won’t help as much as other activities.

excellent advice. if you’ve gotten out of the abusive situation maybe time to start looking ahead.

Well, some people choose differently. The founder of the org is herself struggling with how to handle this issue.

Why on earth surround yourself with that?

If you need a doula/mentor/etc. you find someone who successfully got over it and is thriving…you don’t take tips from people who are struggling.

[Anonymous]

You don’t take ski lessons from the guy with the broken leg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a man who had an abusive and severely mentally ill ex, and one thing about her is she has a massive victim mentality. She never accused me of DV or anything but when I broke up with her she wouldn’t quit harassing me and telling everyone how terrible a person I was. Initially she acted nice towards me to try and win me back but when it became clear I wasn’t taking the bait she did a complete 180.

Some people are addicted to victimhood. Abusers love to use victimhood as a way to mask their own bad behaviors. I think it’s getting worse now that we as a culture have become obsessed with SJW/woke politics and the idea of everything being a story of oppressor vs oppressed.

Likely she had a personality disorder. The positive is that people who have been through that before will figure it out about her eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a lawyer who comes from a family of lawyers and work with lawyers, etc.

The consensus is that sometimes the man is the aggressor, sometimes the woman is the aggressor yet she blames the man, and sometimes both are equally combative. I won’t go into details because I’m sure many clients might stumble on this post and recognize their crazy violent stories. Think: trying to run over your husband while taking his car…I’ll stop there.

Re: the OP - Any group like that will draw people stuck in victimhood, so I’m not dismissing your observation. I believe it. But it’s also human nature to judge others more harshly than yourself. Ever wonder what others think about you? I would just be pleasant around everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to be overly friendly—just don’t be rude or stand-offish.

And perhaps work on extricating yourself from the group as soon as you feel comfortable. You will be better served focused on forward-thinking resilience than dwelling on victimhood. Even if the group doesn’t focus on stories of abuse and is more focused on daily struggles, focusing on the negative won’t help as much as other activities.

excellent advice. if you’ve gotten out of the abusive situation maybe time to start looking ahead.

Well, some people choose differently. The founder of the org is herself struggling with how to handle this issue.

Why on earth surround yourself with that?

If you need a doula/mentor/etc. you find someone who successfully got over it and is thriving…you don’t take tips from people who are struggling.

This group sounds horrible actually, from a lot of perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a lawyer who comes from a family of lawyers and work with lawyers, etc.

The consensus is that sometimes the man is the aggressor, sometimes the woman is the aggressor yet she blames the man, and sometimes both are equally combative. I won’t go into details because I’m sure many clients might stumble on this post and recognize their crazy violent stories. Think: trying to run over your husband while taking his car…I’ll stop there.

Re: the OP - Any group like that will draw people stuck in victimhood, so I’m not dismissing your observation. I believe it. But it’s also human nature to judge others more harshly than yourself. Ever wonder what others think about you? I would just be pleasant around everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to be overly friendly—just don’t be rude or stand-offish.

And perhaps work on extricating yourself from the group as soon as you feel comfortable. You will be better served focused on forward-thinking resilience than dwelling on victimhood. Even if the group doesn’t focus on stories of abuse and is more focused on daily struggles, focusing on the negative won’t help as much as other activities.

excellent advice. if you’ve gotten out of the abusive situation maybe time to start looking ahead.

Well, some people choose differently. The founder of the org is herself struggling with how to handle this issue.

Why on earth surround yourself with that?

If you need a doula/mentor/etc. you find someone who successfully got over it and is thriving…you don’t take tips from people who are struggling.

This group sounds horrible actually, from a lot of perspectives.

Reading comp fail. The organizer is struggling with how to handle these disruptive participants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience isn't made up, OP. But I have also been abusive, as a response to his abuse. There comes a point in a toxic relationship where it brings you down to the same level. You can't always go high, because sometimes you're cornered and you need to fight (verbally or physically).

I know two women who lied about being abused by their relatives or their spouse. They were both in full-blown paranoid episodes stemming from psychiatric treatment refusal. They both had a bipolar disorder diagnoses. Maybe there was also something else going on, who knows. Psychiatry is not an exact science and there is still plenty we don't know.

I also note that "abuse" encompasses a great many things, minor and/or major. Some humans verbalize or otherwise exteriorize their feelings a lot more than others.

***There is little relation between how much a person expresses their pain and how much pain they actually felt!***

And there is no way to know.

So we should focus on the path to economic and psychiatric recovery. Both are quantifiable, objective measures. It's all we can do.

welll …. I’d argue that if you think it was a “mutual abuse” situation, you shouldn’t be in a DV groups for women who may geniunely fear for their lives and experienced much more severe abuse. This isn’t to say that fighting back at times means the woman wasn’t the victim or that she has to be perfect. But it does mean that if you didn’t experience actual domination and control you should bow out of a DV group.

My exEH engaged in some “mild” abusive behavior (grabbing my phone, blocking me from leaving, one time when he followed me around a mall demanding an apology). And a lot of lower key control through escalating verbal tactics. But I’m not a “DV victim” and would never join a DV group for women actual beaten by their partners.

DV is far, far more than being "actually beaten" by their partners. Come on, we know this. That is not the threshold and it causes harm to suggest that unless you are "actually beaten" you aren't experiencing abuse or other types of violence.
That may be OP's mindset, which is causing this reaction, I don't know. I don't know the intricacies of anyone's abuse story, and neither does OP.
I find it incredibly distasteful for OP to decide she knows this to such a degree she would post about it. Focus on yourself. If group work doesn't work for you, do individual work. But you don't get to control other people's stories, healing, even perspective on their own lives.

This is why actual victims of domestic violence don't attend these ridiculous attention-seeking gatherings. Amber Heard-like narcissists all vying for sympathy and pity from other emotionally stunted individuals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a lawyer who comes from a family of lawyers and work with lawyers, etc.

The consensus is that sometimes the man is the aggressor, sometimes the woman is the aggressor yet she blames the man, and sometimes both are equally combative. I won’t go into details because I’m sure many clients might stumble on this post and recognize their crazy violent stories. Think: trying to run over your husband while taking his car…I’ll stop there.

Re: the OP - Any group like that will draw people stuck in victimhood, so I’m not dismissing your observation. I believe it. But it’s also human nature to judge others more harshly than yourself. Ever wonder what others think about you? I would just be pleasant around everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to be overly friendly—just don’t be rude or stand-offish.

And perhaps work on extricating yourself from the group as soon as you feel comfortable. You will be better served focused on forward-thinking resilience than dwelling on victimhood. Even if the group doesn’t focus on stories of abuse and is more focused on daily struggles, focusing on the negative won’t help as much as other activities.

excellent advice. if you’ve gotten out of the abusive situation maybe time to start looking ahead.

Well, some people choose differently. The founder of the org is herself struggling with how to handle this issue.

Why on earth surround yourself with that?

If you need a doula/mentor/etc. you find someone who successfully got over it and is thriving…you don’t take tips from people who are struggling.

This group sounds horrible actually, from a lot of perspectives.

Reading comp fail. The organizer is struggling with how to handle these disruptive participants

Right. That’s what I’m referring to. If she can’t handle it, it sounds horrible. She’s in charge, she should know exactly how to handle it. And it sounds horrible that there’s disruption. How is that reading comprehension fail? This group sounds like a hot mess starting with the founder.