Disagreeing on when to retire with spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't explain why you want to retire early, OP.

My husband didn't even have a conversation with me about this. He just stopped looking for work after being let go. So he's retired. Or unemployed. I don't think he'll ever work again. he loves to garden, so that keeps him busy some months of the year, and apart from that, he sits at his computer, reading the news and watching nature docs or DYI repair videos. Does he clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, take care of the pets, manage the children's lives, with their activities, medical appointments and college admissions? No. But he cooks a little.

I am resentful of this situation, and your spouse will be too.

To be clear, I am resentful because of the loss of income and his refusal to pitch in. It's not like I can outsource what he doesn't do, since we now have a limited HHI. No, I need to do it, otherwise it doesn't get done. He also has magical thinking regarding eldercare and healthcare, and college costs for the kids.

Not fair at all.

[Anonymous]

your. lazy get back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, OP is a troll. No doubt about it. But I’ll say this anyway: you’re “retired” in name only if your spouse is still working full time. The only difference is that instead of your schedule revolving around your work, it revolves around your spouse’s. You’re still not free by any means.

Why? I still work 45-50 hours a week, my spouse has been retired since 2021. He makes dinner for the family and grocery shops but otherwise is completely free. Goes out of town, goes out with friends, etc. How is he not free?

Would you be cool with him going south for six months a year without you?

He’s not completely free. He’s tethered to you and your shackles.

He's free in all ways except that he's in a monogamous marriage. Even if I were retired, I wouldn't agree to live somewhere else half the year. I've spent a lot of time building up my community in the DMV. He could and has gone to visit family for a month at a time, which is totally fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't explain why you want to retire early, OP.

My husband didn't even have a conversation with me about this. He just stopped looking for work after being let go. So he's retired. Or unemployed. I don't think he'll ever work again. he loves to garden, so that keeps him busy some months of the year, and apart from that, he sits at his computer, reading the news and watching nature docs or DYI repair videos. Does he clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, take care of the pets, manage the children's lives, with their activities, medical appointments and college admissions? No. But he cooks a little.

I am resentful of this situation, and your spouse will be too.

DP. I'm the DH in this situation. Spent the last 3+ years "retired" after losing my job (at 55). Every job offer I got was not something that was consistent with my previous level of work/experience. I was good at what I did and would love to work but not at a job that I'd resent so I stopped looking. Most men are like that. Work is part of our identity. Unless, we'll starve to death, we will not compromise our pride just to work. I'd rather cut down on lifestyle than go spend 8-10 hours reporting to a snot-nosed child whose job I'm more than capable of doing.

On the flip side, I take care of most things in the house, just got the last kid off to college and have enough money ($8M+, $5M of which came from my efforts/investments) to retire on. DW loves her job and wants to keep working, which is fine by me. She can quit whenever she wants but I'm not pushing it. Enjoying the peace and quiet for now..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have around $2.5-3m in assets, excluding any home equity in our primary residence. I feel like we can live on just my spouse's income, maybe cutting back just slightly. My spouse does not want to cut back on our lifestyle at all.

What if he also wants to retire now?

Why do you assume OP is a woman - is it just because the site is called "DC Urban Moms?" The FIRE movement, especially the ultra-early and ultra-frugal version, which OP is espousing, is made up almost 100% of men.

+1

I was driving home thinking about this post. And it occurred to me that OP is a guy. That is why there is no mention of child care, concern about college. He's dreams of being a slacker, which doesn't cost that much--with no concern for his kids. He might be the guy who said on another thread that no way was he paying for his kids college. Let them get loans!

I wonder how much he has contributed to this 2.5 - 3MM assets. (Note how he calls them assets and wouldn't clarify when asked what these assets are.) And I bet a lot is crypto. DW has grown up and seen what it takes and now she's stuck with a slacker and doing all the work.

+1

Once you add kids, you don't plan to retire until they are at least in college (and college is fully funded and you can afford healthcare for everyone, including the kids in college).
I wouldn't' retire until you are well set financial, because health issues can cost a lot, and once you leave it's hard to go back. But you chose to have kids, so you should provide for in-state college and normal expenses until they are done with college and get first real job. You don't get to retire early and tell them "enjoy your life, figure college out on your own"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't explain why you want to retire early, OP.

My husband didn't even have a conversation with me about this. He just stopped looking for work after being let go. So he's retired. Or unemployed. I don't think he'll ever work again. he loves to garden, so that keeps him busy some months of the year, and apart from that, he sits at his computer, reading the news and watching nature docs or DYI repair videos. Does he clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, take care of the pets, manage the children's lives, with their activities, medical appointments and college admissions? No. But he cooks a little.

I am resentful of this situation, and your spouse will be too.

DP. I'm the DH in this situation. Spent the last 3+ years "retired" after losing my job (at 55). Every job offer I got was not something that was consistent with my previous level of work/experience. I was good at what I did and would love to work but not at a job that I'd resent so I stopped looking. Most men are like that. Work is part of our identity. Unless, we'll starve to death, we will not compromise our pride just to work. I'd rather cut down on lifestyle than go spend 8-10 hours reporting to a snot-nosed child whose job I'm more than capable of doing.

On the flip side, I take care of most things in the house, just got the last kid off to college and have enough money ($8M+, $5M of which came from my efforts/investments) to retire on. DW loves her job and wants to keep working, which is fine by me. She can quit whenever she wants but I'm not pushing it. Enjoying the peace and quiet for now..

Your situation is completely different. You are doing the house and kid work AND you have 8+M. The only thing that is similar is that you felt too good for the job offers you did get. This happened to my dad and he and my mom have suffered ever since since he turned down very good, but lesser jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't explain why you want to retire early, OP.

My husband didn't even have a conversation with me about this. He just stopped looking for work after being let go. So he's retired. Or unemployed. I don't think he'll ever work again. he loves to garden, so that keeps him busy some months of the year, and apart from that, he sits at his computer, reading the news and watching nature docs or DYI repair videos. Does he clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, take care of the pets, manage the children's lives, with their activities, medical appointments and college admissions? No. But he cooks a little.

I am resentful of this situation, and your spouse will be too.

To be clear, I am resentful because of the loss of income and his refusal to pitch in. It's not like I can outsource what he doesn't do, since we now have a limited HHI. No, I need to do it, otherwise it doesn't get done. He also has magical thinking regarding eldercare and healthcare, and college costs for the kids.

Not fair at all.

If my spouse did that with younger kid (or at any point really without a discussion) and refused to help out, I'd consider a divorce. Not sure I'd want to get old with a lazy person like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't explain why you want to retire early, OP.

My husband didn't even have a conversation with me about this. He just stopped looking for work after being let go. So he's retired. Or unemployed. I don't think he'll ever work again. he loves to garden, so that keeps him busy some months of the year, and apart from that, he sits at his computer, reading the news and watching nature docs or DYI repair videos. Does he clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, take care of the pets, manage the children's lives, with their activities, medical appointments and college admissions? No. But he cooks a little.

I am resentful of this situation, and your spouse will be too.

DP. I'm the DH in this situation. Spent the last 3+ years "retired" after losing my job (at 55). Every job offer I got was not something that was consistent with my previous level of work/experience. I was good at what I did and would love to work but not at a job that I'd resent so I stopped looking. Most men are like that. Work is part of our identity. Unless, we'll starve to death, we will not compromise our pride just to work. I'd rather cut down on lifestyle than go spend 8-10 hours reporting to a snot-nosed child whose job I'm more than capable of doing.

On the flip side, I take care of most things in the house, just got the last kid off to college and have enough money ($8M+, $5M of which came from my efforts/investments) to retire on. DW loves her job and wants to keep working, which is fine by me. She can quit whenever she wants but I'm not pushing it. Enjoying the peace and quiet for now..

PP you replied to. I get that past a certain age and level of experience, it's hard to find a suitable position. If my husband took on half of the household and kid-related duties, I'd be fine with the loss of income. But it's not the case, sadly. He's just selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't explain why you want to retire early, OP.

My husband didn't even have a conversation with me about this. He just stopped looking for work after being let go. So he's retired. Or unemployed. I don't think he'll ever work again. he loves to garden, so that keeps him busy some months of the year, and apart from that, he sits at his computer, reading the news and watching nature docs or DYI repair videos. Does he clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, take care of the pets, manage the children's lives, with their activities, medical appointments and college admissions? No. But he cooks a little.

I am resentful of this situation, and your spouse will be too.

DP. I'm the DH in this situation. Spent the last 3+ years "retired" after losing my job (at 55). Every job offer I got was not something that was consistent with my previous level of work/experience. I was good at what I did and would love to work but not at a job that I'd resent so I stopped looking. Most men are like that. Work is part of our identity. Unless, we'll starve to death, we will not compromise our pride just to work. I'd rather cut down on lifestyle than go spend 8-10 hours reporting to a snot-nosed child whose job I'm more than capable of doing.

On the flip side, I take care of most things in the house, just got the last kid off to college and have enough money ($8M+, $5M of which came from my efforts/investments) to retire on. DW loves her job and wants to keep working, which is fine by me. She can quit whenever she wants but I'm not pushing it. Enjoying the peace and quiet for now..

Your situation is completely different. You are doing the house and kid work AND you have 8+M. The only thing that is similar is that you felt too good for the job offers you did get. This happened to my dad and he and my mom have suffered ever since since he turned down very good, but lesser jobs

If they have $8M at 58, kids are off to college , and that $8M is enough to support you until you are 90/95, then you are good. It should be. Or at the very least, you have a choice to downgrade lifestyle a bit so you can manage on $8M. Keep in mind that if your wife decides to retire, healthcare will cost you much more than you currently pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't explain why you want to retire early, OP.

My husband didn't even have a conversation with me about this. He just stopped looking for work after being let go. So he's retired. Or unemployed. I don't think he'll ever work again. he loves to garden, so that keeps him busy some months of the year, and apart from that, he sits at his computer, reading the news and watching nature docs or DYI repair videos. Does he clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, take care of the pets, manage the children's lives, with their activities, medical appointments and college admissions? No. But he cooks a little.

I am resentful of this situation, and your spouse will be too.

DP. I'm the DH in this situation. Spent the last 3+ years "retired" after losing my job (at 55). Every job offer I got was not something that was consistent with my previous level of work/experience. I was good at what I did and would love to work but not at a job that I'd resent so I stopped looking. Most men are like that. Work is part of our identity. Unless, we'll starve to death, we will not compromise our pride just to work. I'd rather cut down on lifestyle than go spend 8-10 hours reporting to a snot-nosed child whose job I'm more than capable of doing.

On the flip side, I take care of most things in the house, just got the last kid off to college and have enough money ($8M+, $5M of which came from my efforts/investments) to retire on. DW loves her job and wants to keep working, which is fine by me. She can quit whenever she wants but I'm not pushing it. Enjoying the peace and quiet for now..

PP you replied to. I get that past a certain age and level of experience, it's hard to find a suitable position. If my husband took on half of the household and kid-related duties, I'd be fine with the loss of income. But it's not the case, sadly. He's just selfish.

And that is why I would seriously consider a divorce in your case. Why would you want to live with someone like that? Why would you want to grow old with someone who is so selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have around $2.5-3m in assets, excluding any home equity in our primary residence. I feel like we can live on just my spouse's income, maybe cutting back just slightly. My spouse does not want to cut back on our lifestyle at all.

Seems fair.
what if spouses wants to retire today too?

OP here. I already answered that and said it would be fine.

Then what would you do for healthcare? I think you're too young to fully understand how things change wrt what you need medically as you get older.

Also, ACA is great, you have some options. But it is NOT cheap. in our 50s, coverage for 2, with VSP and Dental will run $2K/month, with a $6K/12K deductible and max OOP of $9K/$18K. No Out of Network Coverage, except urgent care and ER.

In comparison, we pay $270/month for FULL Family (worker/spouse/all kids) for a PPO (not EPO), $1250/$2500 deductible Ind/Family and max OOP $3500/7K. And we have Out of network OOP capped at $7K/$14K. I believe COBRA costs would be $1900/month. So about the same but for way less coverage and No OON coverage. Not an issue normally, but it is nice to know that if you have some rare medical condition, you can choose to go anywhere in USA and at max pay $7K. With ACA, you are left locally to choose (and we have excellent choices)

This is totally false—or, charitably, I can say it's extremely unlikely.

I suggest everyone considering and nearing early retirement check out their exchange to get exact prices for themselves or their family. At least for Maryland, the figures I have seen are nothing close to what the fearmongers here suggest ("Plan on $2K/month for two people!"). I am a 42-year-old man and I currently pay $2K PER YEAR on the exchange for my health insurance (I have a $10K deductible, but that works for me because I'm healthy). I plan on retiring at 45 so the cost of healthcare is a big question.

I ran lots of quotes for various scenarios: insuring me alone in 10-15 years, insuring a family of 4 in the event I get married, insuring a family member with a chronic condition that causes me to frequently hit the deductible and OOP max. In virtually no scenario could I figure out how to even arrive at a $2K/month spend—and this included plan premiums, deductibles and co-pays. Yet, to hear DCUM talk, you need to plan for $2K/month in premiums alone for two people. Utterly absurd. Potential early retirees, you must run quotes for yourself, as this field is fraught with misinformation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, OP is a troll. No doubt about it. But I’ll say this anyway: you’re “retired” in name only if your spouse is still working full time. The only difference is that instead of your schedule revolving around your work, it revolves around your spouse’s. You’re still not free by any means.

Why? I still work 45-50 hours a week, my spouse has been retired since 2021. He makes dinner for the family and grocery shops but otherwise is completely free. Goes out of town, goes out with friends, etc. How is he not free?

Would you be cool with him going south for six months a year without you?

He’s not completely free. He’s tethered to you and your shackles.

He's free in all ways except that he's in a monogamous marriage. Even if I were retired, I wouldn't agree to live somewhere else half the year. I've spent a lot of time building up my community in the DMV. He could and has gone to visit family for a month at a time, which is totally fine with me.

He’s stuck with you. He’s not retired.

[Anonymous]

100 percent of my friends wives are SAHM wives so I find this discussion interesting. All were professionals. But between 32-37 all dropped out.

None of the wives have any desire for husband to retire early. My wife has been home with kids since 2001 the youngest finally graduating HS soon.

My wife 90 percent her friends have been home with kids 20-30 years. They have their own lives and what is rush to have husband home all day.

None of the men are resentful they work and none of women have a desire to go back to work after working their butts off to raise kids.

It might be a little they only have been saving for retirement on one income so they need to stay. Or maybe since they devoted their whole life to work and wife to raising kids they feel out of place at home or wife views them as one more kid to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have around $2.5-3m in assets, excluding any home equity in our primary residence. I feel like we can live on just my spouse's income, maybe cutting back just slightly. My spouse does not want to cut back on our lifestyle at all.

Seems fair.
what if spouses wants to retire today too?

OP here. I already answered that and said it would be fine.

Then what would you do for healthcare? I think you're too young to fully understand how things change wrt what you need medically as you get older.

Also, ACA is great, you have some options. But it is NOT cheap. in our 50s, coverage for 2, with VSP and Dental will run $2K/month, with a $6K/12K deductible and max OOP of $9K/$18K. No Out of Network Coverage, except urgent care and ER.

In comparison, we pay $270/month for FULL Family (worker/spouse/all kids) for a PPO (not EPO), $1250/$2500 deductible Ind/Family and max OOP $3500/7K. And we have Out of network OOP capped at $7K/$14K. I believe COBRA costs would be $1900/month. So about the same but for way less coverage and No OON coverage. Not an issue normally, but it is nice to know that if you have some rare medical condition, you can choose to go anywhere in USA and at max pay $7K. With ACA, you are left locally to choose (and we have excellent choices)

This is totally false—or, charitably, I can say it's extremely unlikely.

I suggest everyone considering and nearing early retirement check out their exchange to get exact prices for themselves or their family. At least for Maryland, the figures I have seen are nothing close to what the fearmongers here suggest ("Plan on $2K/month for two people!"). I am a 42-year-old man and I currently pay $2K PER YEAR on the exchange for my health insurance (I have a $10K deductible, but that works for me because I'm healthy). I plan on retiring at 45 so the cost of healthcare is a big question.

I ran lots of quotes for various scenarios: insuring me alone in 10-15 years, insuring a family of 4 in the event I get married, insuring a family member with a chronic condition that causes me to frequently hit the deductible and OOP max. In virtually no scenario could I figure out how to even arrive at a $2K/month spend—and this included plan premiums, deductibles and co-pays. Yet, to hear DCUM talk, you need to plan for $2K/month in premiums alone for two people. Utterly absurd. Potential early retirees, you must run quotes for yourself, as this field is fraught with misinformation.

I am not the PP your are quoting, but we pay 2K/month total with a 6K deductible/person. We are both health and have no chronic conditions. I think it's easy for you to play fast and lose with healthcare at this point with no kids. You really should check your disdain, and stop putting "your" situation out there as a universal truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100 percent of my friends wives are SAHM wives so I find this discussion interesting. All were professionals. But between 32-37 all dropped out.

None of the wives have any desire for husband to retire early. My wife has been home with kids since 2001 the youngest finally graduating HS soon.

My wife 90 percent her friends have been home with kids 20-30 years. They have their own lives and what is rush to have husband home all day.

None of the men are resentful they work and none of women have a desire to go back to work after working their butts off to raise kids.

It might be a little they only have been saving for retirement on one income so they need to stay. Or maybe since they devoted their whole life to work and wife to raising kids they feel out of place at home or wife views them as one more kid to watch.

I see this a lot in my contemporaries. Seems unfortunate to me.