Should I assume my parents won’t help with the wedding?

[Anonymous]

I think that it sounds like you should not expect anything from your parents, given the precedents of college and home buying.

And there is great freedom and pride in paying for your own day. As others have said, no one owns the guest list or decisions except you and your partner.

And when you're paying for it, and have already managed to buy a home and get through college, then you get to decide what you want to spend. No judgment from me on a 40k wedding.

We paid for our wedding also, 15 years ago, and spend about 30k. I don't regret a penny of it. We had an amazing and memorable weekend with everyone we love, and we had it for a joyous reason - not because of a funeral. It was worth the money. And it was glorious to have total control over it and not be beholden because someone else paid for something!

Congratulations OP. Have a great wedding!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, should have said UC, not UMC. The point being that it's strange to put down backyard weddings, thinking it's some kind of insult.

Agreed. I've been to a few backyard weddings that were held on family members' acreages or ranches. But I do love a man trying to mansplain "what all women want" to a board full of mainly women LOL.

And what is the ballpark cost of those ranch/acreage weddings? Comparable to the court house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

So which are you? Bride or groom?
I know quite a few people who've had these types of weddings, and yes *gasp* even attended some! Not every woman wants to spend $40k (!!!) on a one day pretty princess party.

I’m not OP but how many of these weddings have you been to? I don’t know anyone who got married at a courthouse. It’s not actually that popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, should have said UC, not UMC. The point being that it's strange to put down backyard weddings, thinking it's some kind of insult.

Agreed. I've been to a few backyard weddings that were held on family members' acreages or ranches. But I do love a man trying to mansplain "what all women want" to a board full of mainly women LOL.

And what is the ballpark cost of those ranch/acreage weddings? Comparable to the court house?

Of course a courthouse wedding will be much cheaper. You really don't need more than $100 or so to get married, and in many places a marriage license is much less.

So who wants this very expensive wedding that you apparently can't afford and need to beg other people to pay for? Wouldn't it be better to just have a wedding you can afford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

So which are you? Bride or groom?
I know quite a few people who've had these types of weddings, and yes *gasp* even attended some! Not every woman wants to spend $40k (!!!) on a one day pretty princess party.

I’m not OP but how many of these weddings have you been to? I don’t know anyone who got married at a courthouse. It’s not actually that popular.

I've not attended a courthouse ceremony, but I've celebrated at lunches and dinners after. These are usually small and have only a few people. I've attended several backyard weddings, more than I can count on one hand at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

You said "almost all women in their 20's will have a problem" with these, why do you presume to speak for "almost all women in their 20's"? Where are you getting your information? How many weddings have you been to? It doesnt sound like many at all.

I didn’t say that at all there’s more than one poster here. But insisting that it’s not even close to true that many people want a courthouse wedding. I call BS on that. Turns out, a few years ago 3-4% of weddings were at a courthouse. Seems actually pretty close to true that that’s not what most brides or grooms want. Why are you making up your own facts?

https://www.reuters.com/article/markets/wealth/in-defense-of-the-courthouse-wedding-idUSKBN0O61O9/#:~:text=Courthouse%20and%20city%20hall%20ceremonies,industry%20resource%20The%20Wedding%20Report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, should have said UC, not UMC. The point being that it's strange to put down backyard weddings, thinking it's some kind of insult.

Agreed. I've been to a few backyard weddings that were held on family members' acreages or ranches. But I do love a man trying to mansplain "what all women want" to a board full of mainly women LOL.

And what is the ballpark cost of those ranch/acreage weddings? Comparable to the court house?

Of course a courthouse wedding will be much cheaper. You really don't need more than $100 or so to get married, and in many places a marriage license is much less.

So who wants this very expensive wedding that you apparently can't afford and need to beg other people to pay for? Wouldn't it be better to just have a wedding you can afford?

I’m already married, imagine that there’s more than one person in here other than OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

You said "almost all women in their 20's will have a problem" with these, why do you presume to speak for "almost all women in their 20's"? Where are you getting your information? How many weddings have you been to? It doesnt sound like many at all.

I didn’t say that at all there’s more than one poster here. But insisting that it’s not even close to true that many people want a courthouse wedding. I call BS on that. Turns out, a few years ago 3-4% of weddings were at a courthouse. Seems actually pretty close to true that that’s not what most brides or grooms want. Why are you making up your own facts?

https://www.reuters.com/article/markets/wealth/in-defense-of-the-courthouse-wedding-idUSKBN0O61O9/#:~:text=Courthouse%20and%20city%20hall%20ceremonies,industry%20resource%20The%20Wedding%20Report.

I'm not sure a 10 year old article is the slam dunk you think it is, but it also doesn't include backyard weddings, which OP also sh*t on. I take issue with anyone (especially a man) telling other women what "almost all women" want.

Saying - quoted directly from OP - "Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality" is making up facts. Not "almost all women" will have an issue with this. Not "almost all women" want to blow a huge chunk of their own money on a one day party. In fact there is a recent thread on dcum about simple weddings and finding lifelong happiness. The average cost of weddings is HIGH, but it's also directly affected by the few people who have very very expensive weddings ($500k+).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I’d come right out and ask if they wanted to contribute any money towards the wedding/reception. But I was always close enough with my parents that I could do that. I would have been ok if they didn’t contribute or contributed less than they did.

Can you just tell them that you are working on the budget for your wedding and wanted to know if they were planning on contributing anything?

Since they are UMC, it is pretty common for parents to chip in.

Might be common to chip in, but extremely tacky to "come right out and ask" for money.

Really? With your own parents?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think your family is UMC based on the fact they didn’t pay for your college. That’s not the norm for UMC. They are probably in debt and you should not expect anything from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

You said "almost all women in their 20's will have a problem" with these, why do you presume to speak for "almost all women in their 20's"? Where are you getting your information? How many weddings have you been to? It doesnt sound like many at all.

I didn’t say that at all there’s more than one poster here. But insisting that it’s not even close to true that many people want a courthouse wedding. I call BS on that. Turns out, a few years ago 3-4% of weddings were at a courthouse. Seems actually pretty close to true that that’s not what most brides or grooms want. Why are you making up your own facts?

https://www.reuters.com/article/markets/wealth/in-defense-of-the-courthouse-wedding-idUSKBN0O61O9/#:~:text=Courthouse%20and%20city%20hall%20ceremonies,industry%20resource%20The%20Wedding%20Report.

I'm not sure a 10 year old article is the slam dunk you think it is, but it also doesn't include backyard weddings, which OP also sh*t on. I take issue with anyone (especially a man) telling other women what "almost all women" want.

Saying - quoted directly from OP - "Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality" is making up facts. Not "almost all women" will have an issue with this. Not "almost all women" want to blow a huge chunk of their own money on a one day party. In fact there is a recent thread on dcum about simple weddings and finding lifelong happiness. The average cost of weddings is HIGH, but it's also directly affected by the few people who have very very expensive weddings ($500k+).

Unless you find a source to back up your claims about what most women want, it’s just a bunch of hot air and your opinion. There’s data that clearly says few couples are going the court house route that you claimed was more popular than it is. Prove it wrong. Clearly most couples are planning different kinds of weddings. $40K is not an extreme amount for a wedding in 2024. It’s coming across as very smug and let them eat cake kind of way that people should plan the wedding you think they deserve or should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think your family is UMC based on the fact they didn’t pay for your college. That’s not the norm for UMC. They are probably in debt and you should not expect anything from them.

They seem to be struggling without additional cash from former generations. OP seems gullible.

[Anonymous]

Sure, let's say $40K is not extreme for a wedding in 2024, and it probably isn't. Unless you cannot pay for it and need to ask parents/relatives/take out a loan! I think other PP, me included, are trying to say that cheaper weddings are OK. It's doesn't have to be at a courthouse (say $100) and it doesn't have to be $40K. Most people fall somewhere in-between. And if OP's parents didn't pay for college and didn't help out with a down payment, AND are groom's parents (not bride's, who don't traditionally pay, so they very likely never considered it), they're not going to pay anything. I mean it would be strange for a groom to go ask his parents for money saying that his bride wants a $40K wedding, but her and her parents have no money for it.

[Anonymous]

I was UMC; my parents were on a fixed income, LMC. I paid for my own wedding.

But, since I am now UMC, I would be willing to help pay for my kid's wedding but not the whole $40K.

I think you can ask. "Mom/Dad, would you be willing to contribute to the cost of the wedding?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, let's say $40K is not extreme for a wedding in 2024, and it probably isn't. Unless you cannot pay for it and need to ask parents/relatives/take out a loan! I think other PP, me included, are trying to say that cheaper weddings are OK. It's doesn't have to be at a courthouse (say $100) and it doesn't have to be $40K. Most people fall somewhere in-between. And if OP's parents didn't pay for college and didn't help out with a down payment, AND are groom's parents (not bride's, who don't traditionally pay, so they very likely never considered it), they're not going to pay anything. I mean it would be strange for a groom to go ask his parents for money saying that his bride wants a $40K wedding, but her and her parents have no money for it.

Actually “most” people don’t fall somewhere in between. The 2024 average cost is $33,000. Most people are closer to $40,000 than $100.

https://www.forbes.com/advisor/personal-loans/average-cost-of-a-wedding/