Should I assume my parents won’t help with the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $40K wedding is absurd. I wouldn't pay for that.

+100. I have money. Spouse and I had money when we got married. We would never spend that much on a wedding. Op more than likely you'll end up divorced so why are you planning on spending so much on one day? Do you not realize that this amount would help you buy a home?

So, so stupid.

Do you not realize that it’s the expectation in most cultures to have an actual wedding and not elope at a courthouse? You don’t always get to tell your fiancée that it’s the financially prudent thing to cheap out and not have a traditional wedding, because they’re not going to agree with you and go along with it. Most men would be perfectly fine not having a wedding, but most women want weddings.

I am OP and I agree that weddings are dumb but my fiancée comes from a culture where this is important. 40k isn’t going to get you a crazy extravagant wedding it’s going to be fairly standard. I know multiple couples who are literally spending 10x this amount on a wedding. It’s dumb. But it’s the expectation.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your parents OP. Tell them you are in the early stages of planning and need to know if they plan to contribute. Perhaps they are unaware that to book a venue, you sign a binding contract and make a deposit immediately. Make it easy for them to be honest with you. You need to have a budget at the beginning of this stage.

- signed a MOG who paid half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your relationship with them and the traditions in your family, OP. Do you have any siblings who had weddings before you? Any cousins whose weddings were paid for by your aunts and uncles?

We have a pretty good relationship, I visit and call them all the time. I know for a fact their wedding was paid for by my grandparents (they told me a few years ago) and my cousins weddings were most definitely paid for by their parents because there’s no way they could afford them without crippling debt (6 figure weddings and they weren’t making a lot at the time). I don’t know, I don’t want to sound entitled but it seems weird my parents haven’t really helped with life costs while they had theirs paid for by the previous generation. I had student loans upon graduation and didn’t get any help paying for my first house. My parents were gifted significant amounts by their parents when they were my age. I’ve had to do it all alone.

OP, first house?

I suspect you are an older bride who sounds well established. In your shoes I wouldn’t be asking my parents for money if they didn’t offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your relationship with them and the traditions in your family, OP. Do you have any siblings who had weddings before you? Any cousins whose weddings were paid for by your aunts and uncles?

We have a pretty good relationship, I visit and call them all the time. I know for a fact their wedding was paid for by my grandparents (they told me a few years ago) and my cousins weddings were most definitely paid for by their parents because there’s no way they could afford them without crippling debt (6 figure weddings and they weren’t making a lot at the time). I don’t know, I don’t want to sound entitled but it seems weird my parents haven’t really helped with life costs while they had theirs paid for by the previous generation. I had student loans upon graduation and didn’t get any help paying for my first house. My parents were gifted significant amounts by their parents when they were my age. I’ve had to do it all alone.

OP, first house?

I suspect you are an older bride who sounds well established. In your shoes I wouldn’t be asking my parents for money if they didn’t offer.

28 years old and it’s a townhouse that I bought at 24 and put 60k down on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

How many guests are you planning on? Cut the guest list in half and have a nice wedding for a small crowd. Ignore the aunts, uncles, and cousins you never even talk to.

[Anonymous]

The big question is, if your parents don’t offer anything, what can you afford?

I’m also curious if you’re a bride or a groom. If you’re a groom, you could ask your parents if they would like to host the rehearsal dinner, which is what they would traditionally host. My husband’s parents were UMC when we got married, and they felt that this was the most appropriate way to contribute to the expenses.

If you’re a bride, and your parents haven’t offered anything, I would assume that they won’t.

This seems like an elaborate wedding, and it’s possible that your parents would prefer to not feel like an open wallet. If you feel comfortable asking them to help with something, keep it specific. “Would you like to help us with the cake? It’s $xxx.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your relationship with them and the traditions in your family, OP. Do you have any siblings who had weddings before you? Any cousins whose weddings were paid for by your aunts and uncles?

We have a pretty good relationship, I visit and call them all the time. I know for a fact their wedding was paid for by my grandparents (they told me a few years ago) and my cousins weddings were most definitely paid for by their parents because there’s no way they could afford them without crippling debt (6 figure weddings and they weren’t making a lot at the time). I don’t know, I don’t want to sound entitled but it seems weird my parents haven’t really helped with life costs while they had theirs paid for by the previous generation. I had student loans upon graduation and didn’t get any help paying for my first house. My parents were gifted significant amounts by their parents when they were my age. I’ve had to do it all alone.

So they wouldn't pay for your education or home, but you think they will give you money for a pretty princess party???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your relationship with them and the traditions in your family, OP. Do you have any siblings who had weddings before you? Any cousins whose weddings were paid for by your aunts and uncles?

We have a pretty good relationship, I visit and call them all the time. I know for a fact their wedding was paid for by my grandparents (they told me a few years ago) and my cousins weddings were most definitely paid for by their parents because there’s no way they could afford them without crippling debt (6 figure weddings and they weren’t making a lot at the time). I don’t know, I don’t want to sound entitled but it seems weird my parents haven’t really helped with life costs while they had theirs paid for by the previous generation. I had student loans upon graduation and didn’t get any help paying for my first house. My parents were gifted significant amounts by their parents when they were my age. I’ve had to do it all alone.

Nothing about these facts says your parents are sitting on "wedding fund for Larla" money. Should they offer to help, to pay forward the help they've received? Sounds fair to me! But clearly that's not how they see it if they've not helped you with college costs or down payment even though they were helped themselves.

I think you should assume you're getting nothing and plan accordingly. They might not contribute during the lead up but then write a check for $5k for your wedding gift or something and tell themselves (and other people) that they helped pay for the wedding. Or they might give you nothing at all. But if they were going to offer a large amount they would have brought it up by now for planning purposes, because counting on nothing can't hurt you and expecting money that's not coming can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your relationship with them and the traditions in your family, OP. Do you have any siblings who had weddings before you? Any cousins whose weddings were paid for by your aunts and uncles?

We have a pretty good relationship, I visit and call them all the time. I know for a fact their wedding was paid for by my grandparents (they told me a few years ago) and my cousins weddings were most definitely paid for by their parents because there’s no way they could afford them without crippling debt (6 figure weddings and they weren’t making a lot at the time). I don’t know, I don’t want to sound entitled but it seems weird my parents haven’t really helped with life costs while they had theirs paid for by the previous generation. I had student loans upon graduation and didn’t get any help paying for my first house. My parents were gifted significant amounts by their parents when they were my age. I’ve had to do it all alone.

Nothing about these facts says your parents are sitting on "wedding fund for Larla" money. Should they offer to help, to pay forward the help they've received? Sounds fair to me! But clearly that's not how they see it if they've not helped you with college costs or down payment even though they were helped themselves.

I think you should assume you're getting nothing and plan accordingly. They might not contribute during the lead up but then write a check for $5k for your wedding gift or something and tell themselves (and other people) that they helped pay for the wedding. Or they might give you nothing at all. But if they were going to offer a large amount they would have brought it up by now for planning purposes, because counting on nothing can't hurt you and expecting money that's not coming can.

Always good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine not being able to ask my parents this question. Yes, talking about money can be awkward. But is it really so hard to ask if they're planning to or able contribute? If you can't do that I guess you have your answer.

FWIW I got married in a nice but not overly extravagant wedding in DC 15 years ago. We had around 120 people and it cost around $55,000. My parents paid. DH's parents paid for a very nice rehearsal dinner and DH and I paid for our honeymoon. Food/drink for any large group of people is just plain expensive especially in big cities.

[Anonymous]

You can either have a conversation with your parents or assume they are paying nothing. Those are your options.