Grandpa making inappropriate comments to my 14 year old son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents took my son camping for a few days. My son sometimes walks with his hands in his pockets (usually basketball shorts). My Dad told my son "what's the score" and proceeded to tell my son that having his hands in his pockets "will make people think he's playing with his balls" and this looks bad and will be a problem when my son shows up at his job.

My son does not have a job, he's 14.

When I drop my son off at school, plenty of teens have their hands in their pockets. Mt son sometimes has anxiety or feels social awkwardness so might put his hands in his jacket or shorts pockets. My son was certainly not doing anything besides walking a short ways with hands in his pockets (clearly at the sides).

Then a few weeks later, at my brother's place, my dad whispered what's the score to my son when I wasn't around.

I'm really angry and upset about this. I find it completely inappropriate for my dad to say anything to MY son about this area of his body. If my dad has actual concerns he should bring them to me. My dad is religious and has all sorts of shame around sexuality. My grandfather (his dad) used to make inappropriate comments to me.

I feel I need to calm down a little before I talk to my dad. But I'm not being over the top, right? I think this is a messed up thing to say to my kid and I question why the heck he is even thinking this. I'm completely disturbed by this. My dad used to shame us a lot as kids, but doesn't see my kids too often and for the most part it wasn't too bad. This seems next level messed up to me and I'm questioning even having my kids around him at all if that's where his mind is. Especially when he whispered it to my son just out of earshot as we were leaving my brother's (my son was helping me load luggage and maybe stood woth his hands in his pockets for 10 seconds after we were done). Any feedback or suggestions how to approach?

I’d be annoyed and concerned and it’s inappropriate. Why must he whisper? Whisper implies secret. What might he say to your son if no one is around? Have you asked your son how he feels about your dad’s comments?

My son is in HS and this is how the boys to men all walk into school in the am unless looking down at their phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does "what's the score?" mean? I'm trying to understand what context this is inappropriate in.

My late dad used to refer to this as “pocket pool.” I assume her dad means the same. It’s a generational “the lost generation or early boomer nonsense.” All generations have nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. Absolutely this bothered me A LOT but I hadn't talked to my dad about it yet BECAUSE I was angry and having intense reaction that is possibly not warranted. Which is exactly why I posted here, to gauge it from people who grew up differently. Not sure why some people get so bent out of shape about someone having a different reaction than they would especially when its based on past like what I grew up with.

My therapist used to tell me that while yes my dad is an issue and there's potential of harm, there are some good parts to, my kids aren't with him a lot, and he's not my kids parent - they don't look to him for approval or love, which they do get healthfully from me. He used to be pretty awful sometimes when they were younger though conversations did help - my kids saying they didn't want to go there anymore because of how he treated them and how he treated my mom changed things a little.

Absolutely there was no jokiness or buddy like bugging or teasing about how my dad says things like this and said this. He is a very critical person and the shaming my son and bringing up sexuality was unnecessary and done inappropriately. Had he just said about pockets, or said in a teaching way that some people do that, and it makes others uncomfortable... its his acting like my son is dirty and perverse masturbating in public likes he's some addict or something, and that everyone else is dirty and perverse to think that about my son doing that that's the problem. It's not typical.

And what's the score is his talking about ball hockey with the stick being the obvious.

My core worry is my kids being affected by my dad the way that I was.

But either way, my son did ignore my dad the second time. And my son knows about pockets and other options for feeling less confident. It just doesn't surprise me that he would be extra nervous feeling with the way my dad looks at people.

To the person who said east european - my dad grew up in central Europe so that could be a factor to his reaction. But agin, its the shaming hateful way of talking, not the "hey young man, let me help you out guy to guy". And it is weird too because he doesn't have that type of relationship with my kids where my son would ever feel comfortable having my dad talk to him about anything meaningful.

Get your kid some shorts without pockets to break the bad habit.

This wins weirdest comment on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. Absolutely this bothered me A LOT but I hadn't talked to my dad about it yet BECAUSE I was angry and having intense reaction that is possibly not warranted. Which is exactly why I posted here, to gauge it from people who grew up differently. Not sure why some people get so bent out of shape about someone having a different reaction than they would especially when its based on past like what I grew up with.

My therapist used to tell me that while yes my dad is an issue and there's potential of harm, there are some good parts to, my kids aren't with him a lot, and he's not my kids parent - they don't look to him for approval or love, which they do get healthfully from me. He used to be pretty awful sometimes when they were younger though conversations did help - my kids saying they didn't want to go there anymore because of how he treated them and how he treated my mom changed things a little.

Absolutely there was no jokiness or buddy like bugging or teasing about how my dad says things like this and said this. He is a very critical person and the shaming my son and bringing up sexuality was unnecessary and done inappropriately. Had he just said about pockets, or said in a teaching way that some people do that, and it makes others uncomfortable... its his acting like my son is dirty and perverse masturbating in public likes he's some addict or something, and that everyone else is dirty and perverse to think that about my son doing that that's the problem. It's not typical.

And what's the score is his talking about ball hockey with the stick being the obvious.

My core worry is my kids being affected by my dad the way that I was.

But either way, my son did ignore my dad the second time. And my son knows about pockets and other options for feeling less confident. It just doesn't surprise me that he would be extra nervous feeling with the way my dad looks at people.

To the person who said east european - my dad grew up in central Europe so that could be a factor to his reaction. But agin, its the shaming hateful way of talking, not the "hey young man, let me help you out guy to guy". And it is weird too because he doesn't have that type of relationship with my kids where my son would ever feel comfortable having my dad talk to him about anything meaningful.

Get your kid some shorts without pockets to break the bad habit.

This wins weirdest comment on this thread.

Whatever. A kid touching his balls all the time is in need of some redirection. You must be OP wondering why this thread isn’t going your way.

[Anonymous]

OP, very gently, your Dad did not treat your son like a pervert or addict. That's in your own mind. That's the mental leap you have to break here. That's in your head, not your Dad's head. That's the shame you carry. That's your anxiety.

Let go of your past and concentrate on what actually happened here. A comment was made to your son to keep his hands out of his pockets in a joking manner, using humor known in "male code." That's all. If you don't want this happen again, don't send your son on camping trips with Grandpa.

There's nothing in this male code that indicates your father thinks that what your child did was perverse, disgusting, or the behavior of a sex addict. All boys have to be told not to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know your family history. If your dad has a habit of making inappropriate comments to you then that's what's going on with your son. If you want him to stop, tell him thst this is a nightmare deal to you and if you ever hear of this again you'll be very angry. If he still does it, there's your answer. He doesn't respect boundaries. Also tell your son about grandpa.

This. So many of the PPs gaslighting OP that this is normal. This is not appropriate your minor son doesn't need to hear sexual jokes from a creepy adult. Tell your dad to stop and he does not then do not allow your kids to be with him alone.

No one is gaslighting OP. If we told OP that her father died five years ago, or that she has a daughter, not a son, or that instead of a camping trip, it was a trip to Disneyland, we would be gaslighting her. See the difference? We would be playing with her mind and trying to drive her crazy by undermining her sense of reality. No one is trying to do that. We’re accepting all basic facts as true that she has offered. We are simply giving our opinion that her father’s actions were not inappropriate and were justified by the circumstances. That’s not gaslighting. That’s our collective opinion based on the facts as offered by her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, very gently, your Dad did not treat your son like a pervert or addict. That's in your own mind. That's the mental leap you have to break here. That's in your head, not your Dad's head. That's the shame you carry. That's your anxiety.

Let go of your past and concentrate on what actually happened here. A comment was made to your son to keep his hands out of his pockets in a joking manner, using humor known in "male code." That's all. If you don't want this happen again, don't send your son on camping trips with Grandpa.

There's nothing in this male code that indicates your father thinks that what your child did was perverse, disgusting, or the behavior of a sex addict. All boys have to be told not to do this.

This. This. This. Get therapy for yourself. Your Dad did not sexualize your son. Your Dad talked to your son about inappropriate behavior in a joking manner, using humor known in "male code."

[Anonymous]

Are you a single mom OP? Is it possible your Dad is just trying to help? There are plenty of things I don't know about guys socially. I would accept the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know your family history. If your dad has a habit of making inappropriate comments to you then that's what's going on with your son. If you want him to stop, tell him thst this is a nightmare deal to you and if you ever hear of this again you'll be very angry. If he still does it, there's your answer. He doesn't respect boundaries. Also tell your son about grandpa.

This. So many of the PPs gaslighting OP that this is normal. This is not appropriate your minor son doesn't need to hear sexual jokes from a creepy adult. Tell your dad to stop and he does not then do not allow your kids to be with him alone.

I don’t think it’s a joke—I think blunderbuss grandpa is trying to tell the kid not to do horribly socially awkward things in public in the only way he knows how.

And further, it’s not sexual to tell your kid not to touch themselves (or appear to touch themselves) in public. It’s what we need to do as parents. OP shouldn’t even be in this situation because she should have already told her kid, instead of excusing everything as anxiety.

Then grandpa needs to just say that plainly and stop with the sexual innuendos. One possibility is he might be getting dementia and losing his filter but still not ok.

“proceeded to tell my son that having his hands in his pockets "will make people think he's playing with his balls" and this looks bad and will be a problem when my son shows up at his job.”

Seems like he did explain “plainly” and OP still lost her cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. Absolutely this bothered me A LOT but I hadn't talked to my dad about it yet BECAUSE I was angry and having intense reaction that is possibly not warranted. Which is exactly why I posted here, to gauge it from people who grew up differently. Not sure why some people get so bent out of shape about someone having a different reaction than they would especially when its based on past like what I grew up with.

My therapist used to tell me that while yes my dad is an issue and there's potential of harm, there are some good parts to, my kids aren't with him a lot, and he's not my kids parent - they don't look to him for approval or love, which they do get healthfully from me. He used to be pretty awful sometimes when they were younger though conversations did help - my kids saying they didn't want to go there anymore because of how he treated them and how he treated my mom changed things a little.

Absolutely there was no jokiness or buddy like bugging or teasing about how my dad says things like this and said this. He is a very critical person and the shaming my son and bringing up sexuality was unnecessary and done inappropriately. Had he just said about pockets, or said in a teaching way that some people do that, and it makes others uncomfortable... its his acting like my son is dirty and perverse masturbating in public likes he's some addict or something, and that everyone else is dirty and perverse to think that about my son doing that that's the problem. It's not typical.

And what's the score is his talking about ball hockey with the stick being the obvious.

My core worry is my kids being affected by my dad the way that I was.

But either way, my son did ignore my dad the second time. And my son knows about pockets and other options for feeling less confident. It just doesn't surprise me that he would be extra nervous feeling with the way my dad looks at people.

To the person who said east european - my dad grew up in central Europe so that could be a factor to his reaction. But agin, its the shaming hateful way of talking, not the "hey young man, let me help you out guy to guy". And it is weird too because he doesn't have that type of relationship with my kids where my son would ever feel comfortable having my dad talk to him about anything meaningful.

Get your kid some shorts without pockets to break the bad habit.

This wins weirdest comment on this thread.

Whatever. A kid touching his balls all the time is in need of some redirection. You must be OP wondering why this thread isn’t going your way.

Just because hands are in pockets doesn’t mean he is touching his balls. He probably isn’t. It’s entirely possible he just has his hands in pockets.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to talk to son and don’t Grandpa. Grandpa was rude, for sure, and not entirely correct, but the sentiment of not walking around with hands in public is correct.

Explain to your son, while you know he wasn’t doing anything inappropriate with his hands in shorts, putting your hands in your pockets in public is considered rude behavior and poor manners. People (like Grandpa did) will sometimes make assumptions about what your hands are doing. So it’s best practice to stop putting his hands in his pockets when around others. Treat it the same as a conversation of why it is rude to wear a hat or hood over your head indoors or to be texting on your phone at the dinner table, etc.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier and just asked my husband about this. He said boys don't walk around with their hands in their pants pocket.

Where is your sons father?

So totally strange to me as I buy dresses and rompers with pockets so I can put my hands in them and store all the trinkets my kids give me.

[Anonymous]

OP: Just tell your dad that his comments & focus make him to appear to be a pervert. Your dad's comments are creepy & inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier and just asked my husband about this. He said boys don't walk around with their hands in their pants pocket.

Where is your sons father?

So totally strange to me as I buy dresses and rompers with pockets so I can put my hands in them and store all the trinkets my kids give me.

In fairness, do you have a teen son? Or teens at all? I have a teen daughter, and from what I observe during drop off and pick up, it is commonplace for boys to have their hands in pockets. OP isn’t wrong about that statement

[Anonymous]

This is a nothing burger. Calm down.

If you would feel better explaining to your son some of the things your dad has said to you growing up that you think were wrong and hurtful, you can. But don't get caught up on this issue, which many posters think is valid.