Grandpa making inappropriate comments to my 14 year old son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mt son sometimes has anxiety or feels social awkwardness so might put his hands in his jacket or shorts pockets.“

Mom, I say this as a parent of a kid with anxiety and OCD and ADHD. Your child is now 14 and old enough to learn what is acceptable and what isn’t, and we need to stop making excuses using anxiety as scape goat. Hands in both pockets of gym shorts is just not appropriate for a 14 year-old young man. teach him other coping mechanisms for his anxiety.

Exactly. my 8yo DS knows this. He's also been told to make sure his pants are up all the way up because it can make others uncomfortable to see his butt crack.

[Anonymous]

One thing that I think all parents struggle with. Grandparents will often say things that aren’t really consistent with how we want to raise our kids. It’s triggering for us because it reminds of us the things we disliked about our own relationship with them. But kids experience this stuff totally different from grndparents than they do their parents. It just doesn’t affect them as much. So if a mom said “you need to watch what you eat” to a daughter it might be really devastating, but if a grandmother said the same thing, it might only be a minor irritant or it might be a laugh-it-off grandma is so old kind of thing. So it’s highly unlikely that your dads comments affect your son as much as his comments affected you.

[Anonymous]

What does "what's the score?" mean? I'm trying to understand what context this is inappropriate in.

[Anonymous]

OP, Your son is becoming a man. Grandpa is training your son on male etiquette. This is what men have done with boys for 1000's of years. He is teaching your son about appropriate behavior for a man.

I would say nothing to Grandpa.

If your son has a male parent in the house have them tell your son that now that he is growing up it is not appropriate social behavior to keep his hands in his pockets. If no male parent in the home then you tell your son.

Your son can be working jobs in 2 years. Believe me, you don't want a woman boss telling him this or female teachers telling him this.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I had no idea this was a thing people do or suspect other people of doing. If that’s what your son is doing he should obviously cut it out.

But if it’s not (and i believe it would be possible to know with some certainty) I’d coach your son to tell grandpa he’s barking up the wrong tree. And your son can decide for himself whether some boomers worrying about that is concerning enough to keep hands out of pockets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it bothers your son so much he’ll get his hands out of his pockets around Grandpa. Your anger is bizarre and inappropriate over this minor thing said to a 14 yr old who is in complete control of his behavior. Are you ok?

+1 this exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does "what's the score?" mean? I'm trying to understand what context this is inappropriate in.

He’s insinuating the kids is playing with his balls. And sports with a ball have a score. He’s (awkwardly? jokingly?) telling the kid to take his hands out of his pocket.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. Absolutely this bothered me A LOT but I hadn't talked to my dad about it yet BECAUSE I was angry and having intense reaction that is possibly not warranted. Which is exactly why I posted here, to gauge it from people who grew up differently. Not sure why some people get so bent out of shape about someone having a different reaction than they would especially when its based on past like what I grew up with.

My therapist used to tell me that while yes my dad is an issue and there's potential of harm, there are some good parts to, my kids aren't with him a lot, and he's not my kids parent - they don't look to him for approval or love, which they do get healthfully from me. He used to be pretty awful sometimes when they were younger though conversations did help - my kids saying they didn't want to go there anymore because of how he treated them and how he treated my mom changed things a little.

Absolutely there was no jokiness or buddy like bugging or teasing about how my dad says things like this and said this. He is a very critical person and the shaming my son and bringing up sexuality was unnecessary and done inappropriately. Had he just said about pockets, or said in a teaching way that some people do that, and it makes others uncomfortable... its his acting like my son is dirty and perverse masturbating in public likes he's some addict or something, and that everyone else is dirty and perverse to think that about my son doing that that's the problem. It's not typical.

And what's the score is his talking about ball hockey with the stick being the obvious.

My core worry is my kids being affected by my dad the way that I was.

But either way, my son did ignore my dad the second time. And my son knows about pockets and other options for feeling less confident. It just doesn't surprise me that he would be extra nervous feeling with the way my dad looks at people.

To the person who said east european - my dad grew up in central Europe so that could be a factor to his reaction. But agin, its the shaming hateful way of talking, not the "hey young man, let me help you out guy to guy". And it is weird too because he doesn't have that type of relationship with my kids where my son would ever feel comfortable having my dad talk to him about anything meaningful.

[Anonymous]

Where is your sons dad in all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. Absolutely this bothered me A LOT but I hadn't talked to my dad about it yet BECAUSE I was angry and having intense reaction that is possibly not warranted. Which is exactly why I posted here, to gauge it from people who grew up differently. Not sure why some people get so bent out of shape about someone having a different reaction than they would especially when its based on past like what I grew up with.

My therapist used to tell me that while yes my dad is an issue and there's potential of harm, there are some good parts to, my kids aren't with him a lot, and he's not my kids parent - they don't look to him for approval or love, which they do get healthfully from me. He used to be pretty awful sometimes when they were younger though conversations did help - my kids saying they didn't want to go there anymore because of how he treated them and how he treated my mom changed things a little.

Absolutely there was no jokiness or buddy like bugging or teasing about how my dad says things like this and said this. He is a very critical person and the shaming my son and bringing up sexuality was unnecessary and done inappropriately. Had he just said about pockets, or said in a teaching way that some people do that, and it makes others uncomfortable... its his acting like my son is dirty and perverse masturbating in public likes he's some addict or something, and that everyone else is dirty and perverse to think that about my son doing that that's the problem. It's not typical.

And what's the score is his talking about ball hockey with the stick being the obvious.

My core worry is my kids being affected by my dad the way that I was.

But either way, my son did ignore my dad the second time. And my son knows about pockets and other options for feeling less confident. It just doesn't surprise me that he would be extra nervous feeling with the way my dad looks at people.

To the person who said east european - my dad grew up in central Europe so that could be a factor to his reaction. But agin, its the shaming hateful way of talking, not the "hey young man, let me help you out guy to guy". And it is weird too because he doesn't have that type of relationship with my kids where my son would ever feel comfortable having my dad talk to him about anything meaningful.

Get your kid some shorts without pockets to break the bad habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. Absolutely this bothered me A LOT but I hadn't talked to my dad about it yet BECAUSE I was angry and having intense reaction that is possibly not warranted. Which is exactly why I posted here, to gauge it from people who grew up differently. Not sure why some people get so bent out of shape about someone having a different reaction than they would especially when its based on past like what I grew up with.

My therapist used to tell me that while yes my dad is an issue and there's potential of harm, there are some good parts to, my kids aren't with him a lot, and he's not my kids parent - they don't look to him for approval or love, which they do get healthfully from me. He used to be pretty awful sometimes when they were younger though conversations did help - my kids saying they didn't want to go there anymore because of how he treated them and how he treated my mom changed things a little.

Absolutely there was no jokiness or buddy like bugging or teasing about how my dad says things like this and said this. He is a very critical person and the shaming my son and bringing up sexuality was unnecessary and done inappropriately. Had he just said about pockets, or said in a teaching way that some people do that, and it makes others uncomfortable... its his acting like my son is dirty and perverse masturbating in public likes he's some addict or something, and that everyone else is dirty and perverse to think that about my son doing that that's the problem. It's not typical.

And what's the score is his talking about ball hockey with the stick being the obvious.

My core worry is my kids being affected by my dad the way that I was.

But either way, my son did ignore my dad the second time. And my son knows about pockets and other options for feeling less confident. It just doesn't surprise me that he would be extra nervous feeling with the way my dad looks at people.

To the person who said east european - my dad grew up in central Europe so that could be a factor to his reaction. But agin, its the shaming hateful way of talking, not the "hey young man, let me help you out guy to guy". And it is weird too because he doesn't have that type of relationship with my kids where my son would ever feel comfortable having my dad talk to him about anything meaningful.

Focus the energy that it took to write this post on parenting your kids and teaching them appropriate behavior. Plenty of 14 year olds look like grown young men. No one wants to be subjected to a male playing with his balls. It’s disgusting and could get him in big trouble.

Are you usually this stubborn? And yes strangers get passionate because we don’t want to see what your son is doing. Your kid has anxiety? So do others, including plenty of women who have been assaulted. Stop using that his anxiety as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. Absolutely this bothered me A LOT but I hadn't talked to my dad about it yet BECAUSE I was angry and having intense reaction that is possibly not warranted. Which is exactly why I posted here, to gauge it from people who grew up differently. Not sure why some people get so bent out of shape about someone having a different reaction than they would especially when its based on past like what I grew up with.

My therapist used to tell me that while yes my dad is an issue and there's potential of harm, there are some good parts to, my kids aren't with him a lot, and he's not my kids parent - they don't look to him for approval or love, which they do get healthfully from me. He used to be pretty awful sometimes when they were younger though conversations did help - my kids saying they didn't want to go there anymore because of how he treated them and how he treated my mom changed things a little.

Absolutely there was no jokiness or buddy like bugging or teasing about how my dad says things like this and said this. He is a very critical person and the shaming my son and bringing up sexuality was unnecessary and done inappropriately. Had he just said about pockets, or said in a teaching way that some people do that, and it makes others uncomfortable... its his acting like my son is dirty and perverse masturbating in public likes he's some addict or something, and that everyone else is dirty and perverse to think that about my son doing that that's the problem. It's not typical.

And what's the score is his talking about ball hockey with the stick being the obvious.

My core worry is my kids being affected by my dad the way that I was.

But either way, my son did ignore my dad the second time. And my son knows about pockets and other options for feeling less confident. It just doesn't surprise me that he would be extra nervous feeling with the way my dad looks at people.

To the person who said east european - my dad grew up in central Europe so that could be a factor to his reaction. But agin, its the shaming hateful way of talking, not the "hey young man, let me help you out guy to guy". And it is weird too because he doesn't have that type of relationship with my kids where my son would ever feel comfortable having my dad talk to him about anything meaningful.

OP you need to grow up a bit. If your dad is so mean and horrible, why do you still take yourself and your kids over to be around him? Either stop freaking out because he’s not actually that bad, or stop seeing him. You can’t squawk about how poorly he treats you and your kids then keep coming back for more.

Also, not sure why you are so worked up about telling your kid not to play with himself in public—why do you think he’s so fragile that you can’t teach him appropriate behavior? You’re not doing the kid any favors by letting him act inappropriately. Maybe enlist his father if this is too much for you.

[Anonymous]

Boys walking around in public with their hands in their pockets is gross, OP. Your dad is doing your kid a favor. Hasn’t his dad discussed this with him? Honestly, this discussion should have started at age 5!

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one trying to figure out how anyone could reach those parts through their pockets?

Are basketball shorts made with extra long pockets or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know your family history. If your dad has a habit of making inappropriate comments to you then that's what's going on with your son. If you want him to stop, tell him thst this is a nightmare deal to you and if you ever hear of this again you'll be very angry. If he still does it, there's your answer. He doesn't respect boundaries. Also tell your son about grandpa.

This. So many of the PPs gaslighting OP that this is normal. This is not appropriate your minor son doesn't need to hear sexual jokes from a creepy adult. Tell your dad to stop and he does not then do not allow your kids to be with him alone.

I don’t think it’s a joke—I think blunderbuss grandpa is trying to tell the kid not to do horribly socially awkward things in public in the only way he knows how.

And further, it’s not sexual to tell your kid not to touch themselves (or appear to touch themselves) in public. It’s what we need to do as parents. OP shouldn’t even be in this situation because she should have already told her kid, instead of excusing everything as anxiety.

Then grandpa needs to just say that plainly and stop with the sexual innuendos. One possibility is he might be getting dementia and losing his filter but still not ok.