Grandpa making inappropriate comments to my 14 year old son

[Anonymous]

My parents took my son camping for a few days. My son sometimes walks with his hands in his pockets (usually basketball shorts). My Dad told my son "what's the score" and proceeded to tell my son that having his hands in his pockets "will make people think he's playing with his balls" and this looks bad and will be a problem when my son shows up at his job.

My son does not have a job, he's 14.

When I drop my son off at school, plenty of teens have their hands in their pockets. Mt son sometimes has anxiety or feels social awkwardness so might put his hands in his jacket or shorts pockets. My son was certainly not doing anything besides walking a short ways with hands in his pockets (clearly at the sides).

Then a few weeks later, at my brother's place, my dad whispered what's the score to my son when I wasn't around.

I'm really angry and upset about this. I find it completely inappropriate for my dad to say anything to MY son about this area of his body. If my dad has actual concerns he should bring them to me. My dad is religious and has all sorts of shame around sexuality. My grandfather (his dad) used to make inappropriate comments to me.

I feel I need to calm down a little before I talk to my dad. But I'm not being over the top, right? I think this is a messed up thing to say to my kid and I question why the heck he is even thinking this. I'm completely disturbed by this. My dad used to shame us a lot as kids, but doesn't see my kids too often and for the most part it wasn't too bad. This seems next level messed up to me and I'm questioning even having my kids around him at all if that's where his mind is. Especially when he whispered it to my son just out of earshot as we were leaving my brother's (my son was helping me load luggage and maybe stood woth his hands in his pockets for 10 seconds after we were done). Any feedback or suggestions how to approach?

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty uptight about inappropriate comments and honestly didn't think the first time he said it to be that bad. But the whispering in his ear later is a tad weird... but Dad likely thought it was an inside joke between the two of them. I think you're overreacting a bit.

[Anonymous]

It's maybe not appropriate but also it seems you are making it a bigger deal, likely projecting some of your shame. Are you the mom or the dad? It sounds like something the dad can have a chime in on but also things like this, I like to remember that it takes a village. Just because you don't like everything the village says or does, doesn't mean it's not contributing a benefit. I would turn the other cheek personally but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

You know your family history. If your dad has a habit of making inappropriate comments to you then that's what's going on with your son. If you want him to stop, tell him thst this is a nightmare deal to you and if you ever hear of this again you'll be very angry. If he still does it, there's your answer. He doesn't respect boundaries. Also tell your son about grandpa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents took my son camping for a few days. My son sometimes walks with his hands in his pockets (usually basketball shorts). My Dad told my son "what's the score" and proceeded to tell my son that having his hands in his pockets "will make people think he's playing with his balls" and this looks bad and will be a problem when my son shows up at his job.

My son does not have a job, he's 14.

When I drop my son off at school, plenty of teens have their hands in their pockets. Mt son sometimes has anxiety or feels social awkwardness so might put his hands in his jacket or shorts pockets. My son was certainly not doing anything besides walking a short ways with hands in his pockets (clearly at the sides).

Then a few weeks later, at my brother's place, my dad whispered what's the score to my son when I wasn't around.


Face it your father should not be around your child

This is not hard and why is he focused on a teen boys balls . Seriously sick

I'm really angry and upset about this. I find it completely inappropriate for my dad to say anything to MY son about this area of his body. If my dad has actual concerns he should bring them to me. My dad is religious and has all sorts of shame around sexuality. My grandfather (his dad) used to make inappropriate comments to me.

I feel I need to calm down a little before I talk to my dad. But I'm not being over the top, right? I think this is a messed up thing to say to my kid and I question why the heck he is even thinking this. I'm completely disturbed by this. My dad used to shame us a lot as kids, but doesn't see my kids too often and for the most part it wasn't too bad. This seems next level messed up to me and I'm questioning even having my kids around him at all if that's where his mind is. Especially when he whispered it to my son just out of earshot as we were leaving my brother's (my son was helping me load luggage and maybe stood woth his hands in his pockets for 10 seconds after we were done). Any feedback or suggestions how to approach?

[Anonymous]

* should be big deal, not sure where nightmare came from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty uptight about inappropriate comments and honestly didn't think the first time he said it to be that bad. But the whispering in his ear later is a tad weird... but Dad likely thought it was an inside joke between the two of them. I think you're overreacting a bit.

+1

Also agree that hands in pockets is fine informally but there are places where it's not appropriate and your DS should learn that. A lot of kids these days don't seem to learn the difference between formal and informal language, manners, behaviors, etc. so it's good for someone to point that out to them.

[Anonymous]

It's a combination of your father's peculiar personality, that he's always had, and his lack of filter as he ages. It's going to get worse, OP, and might progress into dementia at some point.

My paternal grandfather used to come out with equally sexually suggestive comments when I was a teen, which my parents were uncomfortable with. He developed dementia and finished his days in a nursing home.

Reassure your kid that he's doing nothing wrong. When my Grandpa made comments to me, it didn't bother me in the least, actually. My teen brain knew he was a little odd and fixated, but that he loved me dearly and was at heart a decent man.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t understand why this was such a big deal until you said that your grandfather used to make inappropriate comments to you. I’m really sorry to hear that. I also think you may be projecting a little bit. If you assume positive intent, your father was telling him what others will think and it’s true. Sorry, but the visual of a tween boy with his hands and both of his basketball short pockets is gross, and someone should say something to him. I’d rather a family member see something than a kid making fun of him at school. Did your son say the comment made him uncomfortable? If so, and I may have missed that, simply tell your dad hey let’s knock off the ball jokes, please.

[Anonymous]

So, some guys DO think that hands in pockets = playing with yourself. So, I think your dad (while I’m sure his delivery was crap) thought he was doing your kid a favor by telling him. And he kinda was.

[Anonymous]

My dad often walked around with his hands in his pockets. He was visiting a friend in an Eastern European country, who told him in no uncertain terms that he shouldn't do that there. It was eye-opener for us that it appears highly inappropriate to some people for men to have their hands in their pockets. Give your dad a little slack, and have a talk with your son about optics.

[Anonymous]

What's the score? = What's up?

It's not "inappropriate".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, some guys DO think that hands in pockets = playing with yourself. So, I think your dad (while I’m sure his delivery was crap) thought he was doing your kid a favor by telling him. And he kinda was.

This is a thing, OP.

It's poor etiquette to walk around with your hands in your pockets for this reason. Your dad, albeit in an awkward way, did your DS a favor.

[Anonymous]

“Dad, knock it off”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, some guys DO think that hands in pockets = playing with yourself. So, I think your dad (while I’m sure his delivery was crap) thought he was doing your kid a favor by telling him. And he kinda was.

I think you are overreacting OP, sounds like your dad is worried your son is playing with himself in public. Hands in pockets in public was not encouraged when I was growing up for this reason.

It also sounds like your dad was inappropriate with you and you should watch him, doesn't mean he will be inappropriate with your son.