My husband has absolutely 0 ambition or discipline

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

He hates working. He says we have all been brainwashed to be working on spreadsheets all day. He is free and is not doing that!

He launched a consulting business a few years ago. He doesn’t do active business development or networking. He just sits in his room playing video games and doing online RPGs meanwhile he has brought in 30k this year and 100k last year.

I’m so tired of him and his relaxed schedule. He goes to sleep at 3 am and wakes up at 11 am. He takes a nap at 3 pm. He becomes indignant when I ask him to get a job and says he already has a job and I’m abusing him.

He has no savings. No plans. No retirement. He doesn’t even have money to support a baby.

Meanwhile I’m paying for his health instance and preparing for IVf transfer. I make 110k. I’m so stressed. How will we make this work as he refuses to do anything to increase his income or work.

Why would you possibly be thinking about having a baby in this situation OP?

Honestly, if you have a baby in these circumstances, YOU are the only person to blame. Your DH may be lazy and not make much money, but it doesn't sound like his chosen lifestyle needs a lot of money. I mean, people can live a simple happy life off $100k and there's nothing wrong with that.

But if you bring a kid into this, and that kid needs a lot more money than $100k AND it needs two active involved parents. You already know your family can't provide that to your kid. So in that case, it's all on you.

+1. Don’t have a baby! Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

I think you nailed it

+1!! My husband has no ambition but a lot of discipline. He is very agreeable and does anything I want, he lives to please. He goes to work every day at a low-level job and works as hard as 3 people. His bosses always adore him because he works so hard and never causes trouble. He never gets promoted either because they like him right where he is, and I think he likes it too. They used to call this a "phlegmatic" temperament. At 23 I found this adorable and years later I got more frustrated. But I've moved past it because other things between us are good.
You liked it before and you don't like it now. Maybe this is a phase of your marriage. It's hard to say.

[Anonymous]

I feel like OP has posted this same sob story several times in the past.

[Anonymous]

NP and I only read the OP and her second post. Your H is sabotaging you. He doesn’t want kids (maybe with you specifically but most likely in general) and doesn’t know how to get out of it. He is hoping you’d not do the transfer and he is free and happy again.
Make of it what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like OP has posted this same sob story several times in the past.

Oh she has. And the advice is always the same, especially with the IVF. She doesn't actually want advice or to change anything. She just wants sympathy and validation. They are made made for each other because no decent you would want to put up with someone like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

Yes you can. The ambitious work addict men marry, have kids, ignore them, get divorced 10-15 years later, hit the Reset Button, are single, marry another woman, and enjoy an easier senior life with no kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

Yes you can. The ambitious work addict men marry, have kids, ignore them, get divorced 10-15 years later, hit the Reset Button, are single, marry another woman, and enjoy an easier senior life with no kids!

But they do not. Divorce rate for high earners/weathly is really low. Your doctor/partner/C suite exec is not getting divorced. Divorce rate based on high income is somewhere around 20%. They do not ignore the kids, don't get divorced, and largely live happily -- or not but with the wife and family. There really are not a lot of dads that are ignoring kids in this class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

On the flip side, my DH is a nice, low key guy with no desire to set the world on fire, but he's a great partner. Because he's not lazy and leans into family responsibilities in lock step with me leaning out (and into work responsibilities). I don't have to ask or nag, he's not doing me a favor or has a set checklist then signs off. He steps up and has dinner ready when I get home, blocks time on his work calendar for the kids' doctor's appointments without me asking (even though I still have to make them), and then thinks ahead to the next thing that needs to get done for OUR family. Money is great, but I'd rather have an equal partner without an ego that isn't working on vacation and coming home stressed every night.

I think would rather have the money.

Not if it comes with an absentee father and part time spouse. Unless you’re just looking for a paycheck and not a life partner.

Again -- where do these absentee dads come from? Biglaw partner and I see a few like that but most are heavily involved with kids and wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You knew what you were getting into. If you didn’t, shame on you.

Why do people insist on adding a stupid comment like this in every single thread on this forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

Yes you can. The ambitious work addict men marry, have kids, ignore them, get divorced 10-15 years later, hit the Reset Button, are single, marry another woman, and enjoy an easier senior life with no kids!

But they do not. Divorce rate for high earners/weathly is really low. Your doctor/partner/C suite exec is not getting divorced. Divorce rate based on high income is somewhere around 20%. They do not ignore the kids, don't get divorced, and largely live happily -- or not but with the wife and family. There really are not a lot of dads that are ignoring kids in this class.

Lol

Yes, there is.

Stop pretending you know their actual involvement or behavior behind closed doors, just because you see them once in awhile show up at a summer swim meet or weekend game.

Ever notice there’s the ones who tap superficially to everyone, yet never talk to their own wife or kids, and then hide away in their iPhone pretending to be important?

Plus the hit rate on aspergers and/or narcissism runs damn high in this group. Great at work only, maintaining the facade, whilst their personal/home life in shambles and they dump on their working or SAHW.
Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

On the flip side, my DH is a nice, low key guy with no desire to set the world on fire, but he's a great partner. Because he's not lazy and leans into family responsibilities in lock step with me leaning out (and into work responsibilities). I don't have to ask or nag, he's not doing me a favor or has a set checklist then signs off. He steps up and has dinner ready when I get home, blocks time on his work calendar for the kids' doctor's appointments without me asking (even though I still have to make them), and then thinks ahead to the next thing that needs to get done for OUR family. Money is great, but I'd rather have an equal partner without an ego that isn't working on vacation and coming home stressed every night.

I think would rather have the money.

Not if it comes with an absentee father and part time spouse. Unless you’re just looking for a paycheck and not a life partner.

Again -- where do these absentee dads come from? Biglaw partner and I see a few like that but most are heavily involved with kids and wife.

Omg. And you’re supposed in “big law” and making these weak, false claims!?!?

lol. You must be in your 20s or something naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

Yes you can. The ambitious work addict men marry, have kids, ignore them, get divorced 10-15 years later, hit the Reset Button, are single, marry another woman, and enjoy an easier senior life with no kids!

But they do not. Divorce rate for high earners/weathly is really low. Your doctor/partner/C suite exec is not getting divorced. Divorce rate based on high income is somewhere around 20%. They do not ignore the kids, don't get divorced, and largely live happily -- or not but with the wife and family. There really are not a lot of dads that are ignoring kids in this class.

Lol

Yes, there is.

Stop pretending you know their actual involvement or behavior behind closed doors, just because you see them once in awhile show up at a summer swim meet or weekend game.

Ever notice there’s the ones who tap superficially to everyone, yet never talk to their own wife or kids, and then hide away in their iPhone pretending to be important?

Plus the hit rate on aspergers and/or narcissism runs damn high in this group. Great at work only, maintaining the facade, whilst their personal/home life in shambles and they dump on their working or SAHW.
Lol

aspergers -- not not at all. Yes I do know because you spend a lot of time with these people. On DD's soccer team there are 5 biglaw dads. See them all the time for years. The world is not what you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

On the flip side, my DH is a nice, low key guy with no desire to set the world on fire, but he's a great partner. Because he's not lazy and leans into family responsibilities in lock step with me leaning out (and into work responsibilities). I don't have to ask or nag, he's not doing me a favor or has a set checklist then signs off. He steps up and has dinner ready when I get home, blocks time on his work calendar for the kids' doctor's appointments without me asking (even though I still have to make them), and then thinks ahead to the next thing that needs to get done for OUR family. Money is great, but I'd rather have an equal partner without an ego that isn't working on vacation and coming home stressed every night.

I think would rather have the money.

Not if it comes with an absentee father and part time spouse. Unless you’re just looking for a paycheck and not a life partner.

Again -- where do these absentee dads come from? Biglaw partner and I see a few like that but most are heavily involved with kids and wife.

Omg. And you’re supposed in “big law” and making these weak, false claims!?!?

lol. You must be in your 20s or something naive.

Nope -- partner for 25 years.

Biglaw is not as bad as people claim -- at least for a partner. If something needs to get done -- it needs to get done but that is not a 24/7 reality even in a very busy practice. And there can't be a single mistake -- ever --- that is stressful but not that hard to deal with if you have the right mindset. That is really why partners get paid a lot.