My husband has absolutely 0 ambition or discipline

[Anonymous]

And I can’t take it anymore.

It’s killing my love and respect for him. How can he be a husband and be so lazy??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I can’t take it anymore.

It’s killing my love and respect for him. How can he be a husband and be so lazy??

How old is he?

[Anonymous]

Can you elaborate on this? It's hard to give advice without specific examples. Are there certain things he's more ambitious about than others?

[Anonymous]

My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

[Anonymous]

You knew what you were getting into. If you didn’t, shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

NP. Wow, this was very wise and well-articulated. Just curious - are you a therapist? You could be an advice columnist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

NP. Wow, this was very wise and well-articulated. Just curious - are you a therapist? You could be an advice columnist.

Funny I was thinking how unhelpful it was.
It is the same thing as “you did this to yourself” posters but with a layer of shiny bull crap added to it to justify

OP I started saying to myself “what would a man do in this situation” and then doing it. Example: my husband in the couch in his phone while the kids are screaming. He isn’t moving so I sat down really close to him and took out my phone too while they were screaming (this wasn’t emergency level screaming just he took my toy). He got the message that maybe he needed to go help too.

I would also just go for a walk after dinner leaving him with the kids (who were watching tv) and the dishes (the dishes were his job anyway) so he could balance both things and I could get my exercise.

Find ways to make things his responsibility and refuse to do those things. It was so hard to step back at first but 17 years later totally worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Not OP, but great, kind advice and spot on. Every woman I know in this situation observed these things about their DH's early on but didn't fully appreciate the deeper implications. We all miss some things; this is just what OP missed.

[Anonymous]

Where is the OP? We need specifics about his lack of discipline and ambition? Does her work full time, but you think he should make more $$? More discipline in what areas?

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

He hates working. He says we have all been brainwashed to be working on spreadsheets all day. He is free and is not doing that!

He launched a consulting business a few years ago. He doesn’t do active business development or networking. He just sits in his room playing video games and doing online RPGs meanwhile he has brought in 30k this year and 100k last year.

I’m so tired of him and his relaxed schedule. He goes to sleep at 3 am and wakes up at 11 am. He takes a nap at 3 pm. He becomes indignant when I ask him to get a job and says he already has a job and I’m abusing him.

He has no savings. No plans. No retirement. He doesn’t even have money to support a baby.

Meanwhile I’m paying for his health instance and preparing for IVf transfer. I make 110k. I’m so stressed. How will we make this work as he refuses to do anything to increase his income or work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

NP. Wow, this was very wise and well-articulated. Just curious - are you a therapist? You could be an advice columnist.

Funny I was thinking how unhelpful it was.
It is the same thing as “you did this to yourself” posters but with a layer of shiny bull crap added to it to justify

OP I started saying to myself “what would a man do in this situation” and then doing it. Example: my husband in the couch in his phone while the kids are screaming. He isn’t moving so I sat down really close to him and took out my phone too while they were screaming (this wasn’t emergency level screaming just he took my toy). He got the message that maybe he needed to go help too.

I would also just go for a walk after dinner leaving him with the kids (who were watching tv) and the dishes (the dishes were his job anyway) so he could balance both things and I could get my exercise.

Find ways to make things his responsibility and refuse to do those things. It was so hard to step back at first but 17 years later totally worth it.

Did you post this in the wrong thread?

[Anonymous]

I think you're better off having a baby on your own, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

He hates working. He says we have all been brainwashed to be working on spreadsheets all day. He is free and is not doing that!

He launched a consulting business a few years ago. He doesn’t do active business development or networking. He just sits in his room playing video games and doing online RPGs meanwhile he has brought in 30k this year and 100k last year.

I’m so tired of him and his relaxed schedule. He goes to sleep at 3 am and wakes up at 11 am. He takes a nap at 3 pm. He becomes indignant when I ask him to get a job and says he already has a job and I’m abusing him.

He has no savings. No plans. No retirement. He doesn’t even have money to support a baby.

Meanwhile I’m paying for his health instance and preparing for IVf transfer. I make 110k. I’m so stressed. How will we make this work as he refuses to do anything to increase his income or work.

Why would you possibly be thinking about having a baby in this situation OP?

Honestly, if you have a baby in these circumstances, YOU are the only person to blame. Your DH may be lazy and not make much money, but it doesn't sound like his chosen lifestyle needs a lot of money. I mean, people can live a simple happy life off $100k and there's nothing wrong with that.

But if you bring a kid into this, and that kid needs a lot more money than $100k AND it needs two active involved parents. You already know your family can't provide that to your kid. So in that case, it's all on you.

[Anonymous]

Op, what is his consultancy business about?

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

He hates working. He says we have all been brainwashed to be working on spreadsheets all day. He is free and is not doing that!

He launched a consulting business a few years ago. He doesn’t do active business development or networking. He just sits in his room playing video games and doing online RPGs meanwhile he has brought in 30k this year and 100k last year.

I’m so tired of him and his relaxed schedule. He goes to sleep at 3 am and wakes up at 11 am. He takes a nap at 3 pm. He becomes indignant when I ask him to get a job and says he already has a job and I’m abusing him.

He has no savings. No plans. No retirement. He doesn’t even have money to support a baby.

Meanwhile I’m paying for his health instance and preparing for IVf transfer. I make 110k. I’m so stressed. How will we make this work as he refuses to do anything to increase his income or work.

Do not have a baby with this man. Every resentment you currently have will increase exponentially once a tiny human is involved. And then you will leave and have to deal with a bitter divorce. Watched this happen to my neighbors. Freeze your eggs, divorce him, and look for a new partner.