My husband has absolutely 0 ambition or discipline

[Anonymous]

OP, I know a few couples like this. It can work very well if the wife wants to lean in professionally and the husband takes over the home life fully, including the mental load of the house and kids. There is no reason why men can’t be great SAHP and/or primary caregivers.

That said, it works terribly once there are kids involved if the wife is still carrying the mental load and the husband ends up being a glorified babysitter (not nanny, just babysitter). I’ve seen those marriages end in divorce or with a really miserable wife and unhappy marriage.

PPs are correct that usually this happens because of untreated mental health issues in the husband. Severe ADHD, anxiety, etc. Things that can fly under the radar easier than depression before life gets more complicated and harder.

PPs are also correct to caution you against having a child with this man with the concerns you raise. 100% of the time this dynamic gets stressed and turns into a marital crisis once the wife realizes she’s supporting and running the household alone, with the added burden of the husband being one more thing that needs attention and effort from her.

A few things to ask yourself.
How would you feel about divorcing after having a baby? Is this realistically your last chance for a baby and it’s better to go through IVF then deal with what comes? I’ve been through IVF, no judgement from me if that’s the case.
Currently, who makes dinner? Meal plans and grocery shops? Does the daily cleaning tasks? Does he push back when asked to help or do something? Those are all home tasks that will multiply by a thousand when you have kid(s). If he’s not doing any of it now, he’s not going to do all of the baby tasks or house tasks later.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to say it. You are a fool if you have a child with this man. It is foolish. You are doing this to yourself. You are being a fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the whining about him and then choosing to have a kid with him. This is what pps mean when they harp on someone for ignoring red flags and having no right to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the whining about him and then choosing to have a kid with him. This is what pps mean when they harp on someone for ignoring red flags and having no right to complain.

+1
OP is going to be the next woman complaining on these threads that she has to be the breadwinner and homemaker and her DH won't step up.

But she knew this before she even tried getting pregnant. Soo...

[Anonymous]

Ambition and discipline are traits that are broadly considered, in today's parlance, to fall under the category of "toxic masculinity."

A man who possesses these characteristics is also likely to have other toxic traits such as a desire for a beautiful, submissive and nurturing wife. Since you don't appear to be submissive or nurturing, why did you think you would attract a man with ambition and discipline?

[Anonymous]

This guy sounds like me before I got on Adderall. I only got on it two years ago at the age of 40 - I wasted half my life! I am convinced that Adderall is a wonder drug and a far greater percentage of society should be taking this medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like raging untreated ADHD. I don't believe in laziness, I only believe people are struggling with something. He is struggling big time. He probably has crazy negative self talk while you think he's zoned out or whatever, he's sitting there frozen saying to himself "I have to do x, y, x and a, b, c... why can't I just get up and do it? why am I so worthless? I want to do these things, why won't I do it. what is wrong with me?" He's not sitting there going, "ahhhh, now THIS is the life!"

Nah. At that age he’s a full blown narc blaming everyone else for what he did or failed to do.
He’s sitting there calling OP crazy about details. And one needs a nap after working so hard at his 20 person office zoom listening.

You clearly have no meaningful understanding of narcissism or ADHD. You should probably stop giving advice to people.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT have a baby with this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ambition and discipline are traits that are broadly considered, in today's parlance, to fall under the category of "toxic masculinity."

A man who possesses these characteristics is also likely to have other toxic traits such as a desire for a beautiful, submissive and nurturing wife. Since you don't appear to be submissive or nurturing, why did you think you would attract a man with ambition and discipline?

That not toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity is when a man feels like he has to mask all emotions (except anger) and brow beat his way to the top. A truly good type a man who plays fairly and is able to show sadness tenderness and express his anger well (ie not get run over but not yell at everyone) is the goal here, not someone completely without ambition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

I think you nailed it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

True as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

On the flip side, my DH is a nice, low key guy with no desire to set the world on fire, but he's a great partner. Because he's not lazy and leans into family responsibilities in lock step with me leaning out (and into work responsibilities). I don't have to ask or nag, he's not doing me a favor or has a set checklist then signs off. He steps up and has dinner ready when I get home, blocks time on his work calendar for the kids' doctor's appointments without me asking (even though I still have to make them), and then thinks ahead to the next thing that needs to get done for OUR family. Money is great, but I'd rather have an equal partner without an ego that isn't working on vacation and coming home stressed every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

On the flip side, my DH is a nice, low key guy with no desire to set the world on fire, but he's a great partner. Because he's not lazy and leans into family responsibilities in lock step with me leaning out (and into work responsibilities). I don't have to ask or nag, he's not doing me a favor or has a set checklist then signs off. He steps up and has dinner ready when I get home, blocks time on his work calendar for the kids' doctor's appointments without me asking (even though I still have to make them), and then thinks ahead to the next thing that needs to get done for OUR family. Money is great, but I'd rather have an equal partner without an ego that isn't working on vacation and coming home stressed every night.

I think would rather have the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the thing that initially attracted you to him (his laid back nature, low-confrontation, easy-going, agreeable vibe) is now just landing differently from your point of view.

He probably hasn’t changed.

It’s just that you are now realizing that these boy-ish low-key traits are not very useful to building wealth or climbing the “success” ladder in the corporate world, and as a more mature adult, you now see the need for different traits in a partner in order for your family to get where you wanted to go.

You probably can’t right that ship, OP—but you’ll be happier if you take ownership of some of this. You probably just didn’t pick a mate with those essential traits. For whatever reason, that served your younger self well (maybe he was supportive of your ambitious goals, maybe he was super agreeable and let you make all the decisions?), but now you’re tired from caring all the weight. Own some of your stuff, OP.

Guy here so take it for what it is worth. But I agree with this. The divorces in my friend group are not cheating but mostly women who got the guy they wanted but that was not what they wanted now. I guess the low key, not trying to set the world on fire is good for some. A friend loved that about her husband. No desire to work late, weekends. There for her. That is great. In her 30s and 40s what she wanted was a different guy -- Type A but maybe nicer? That was not her husband. It is not just the money. It was the attitude, drive. They divorced.

You don't have to marry the guy who will be doctor, partner at firm, senior executive but you should not think that happens by magic. People in those roles spend decades building to that point with late nights, blown vacations and weekends, stress. You can't miss that but magically want the next CEO of the company from a guy that paid none of the dues.

On the flip side, my DH is a nice, low key guy with no desire to set the world on fire, but he's a great partner. Because he's not lazy and leans into family responsibilities in lock step with me leaning out (and into work responsibilities). I don't have to ask or nag, he's not doing me a favor or has a set checklist then signs off. He steps up and has dinner ready when I get home, blocks time on his work calendar for the kids' doctor's appointments without me asking (even though I still have to make them), and then thinks ahead to the next thing that needs to get done for OUR family. Money is great, but I'd rather have an equal partner without an ego that isn't working on vacation and coming home stressed every night.

I think would rather have the money.

Not if it comes with an absentee father and part time spouse. Unless you’re just looking for a paycheck and not a life partner.