Husband doesn’t let me express any negative emotions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father died and I cannot even truly cry anymore. He gets angry at me when I’m sad or when I cry and God forbid I ever call him out on hurting me express to him to do something differently.

Everything is met with at least denial and more frequently emotional hostility.

Yesterday we were at Mosaic and sitting and people watching. After battling infertility for 3 years, I’m triggered by watching all the mothers with their children. I felt bitter and angry and sad. I said it annoys me how smug everyone looks having reproduced and how it’s triggering me that it’s possible for everyone one to have a baby so easily.

Instead of comforting me, he was like stop it. You’re being a sourpuss. And how I can’t just keep playing victim and I need to move on and be happy.

He couldn’t even try to show me some empathy!

Then he stone walled me for 1 hour and I didn’t speak to him either, not wanting to be the one to talk first. He says he will take me home since I’m in such a bad mood and walked off.

I followed him to the car.

I came home and cried myself to sleep.

This morning he was mad at me again because I was sad. He said he doesn’t care that I’m sad since I’m ruining everyone’s vibes and it will be better for me to not go to MILs Mother’s Day dinner.

This was after I had just gotten out of the shower intending to get ready to go, then he says ok I’m leaving in 10 mins if you’re not dressed then I’m leaving. I tell him to calm down and stop talking to me like that. He says I’m screaming at him and he will not tolerate it and he is ordering me to stop.

Finally he left without me.

I’ve been crying my eyes out in the dark of my bedroom.

This is abuse and not okay. Can you see this?

Jesus lord it’s not abuse. How long does DH have to put up with OP’s negativity? He’s calling it out and not taking it. That’s not abuse.

He gets angry at me when I’m sad or when I cry
Everything is met with at least denial and more frequently emotional hostility
Then he stone walled me for 1 hour
This morning he was mad at me again because I was sad
He said he doesn’t care that I’m sad since I’m ruining everyone’s vibes and it will be better for me to not go to MILs Mother’s Day dinner
This was after I had just gotten out of the shower intending to get ready to go, then he says ok I’m leaving in 10 mins if you’re not dressed then I’m leaving
Finally he left without me

That's all from the OP. That is not acceptable behavior. There are plenty of ways to handle someone who is being negative, but these aren't those.

She also stone walled him. He was the one that "caved" first.

He told her he was leaving, and she apparently ended up just staying home? She could have still gone. She chose to cry instead of get ready and try to be happy for their event.

OP is using her tears and emotions as manipulation. She does the exact same thing to him, and it's ok when she does it, but when he does it he's being abusive.

I'm not saying OP is a saint, but he stonewalled her first and he said he was leaving in 10 minutes when she had just gotten out of the shower so it sounds like he changed the time on her at the last minute. What she is doing isn't ok, but she also shouldn't be with someone who is abusive. Sounds like they are a terrible match, so she should be thankful they never had kids together.

[Anonymous]

Can we all at least agree that OP and her husband shouldn't be together anymore?

Never mind who is right or wrong, but they shouldn't be together. That much should be a consensus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to go see your doctor and open up about the depths of grief and despair that you’re feeling. You need professional help because it’s beyond the abilities of your DH and regular people. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that we don’t know how or what will help you.

Agree. A spouse can help in the short-term, but love isn't enough to help support someone in acute crisis over 3 years. That needs a professional and some clear boundaries so that everyone can stay healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a difference between
"my husband won't let me express any negative emotions"
and
"I've been expressing negative emotions and taking them out on my husband for 3 years and now he's tired of it"

I would add, "after being crushed by infertility and living 3 years with me in major depression, my DH finds that his own mental health is suffering and he no longer has the capacity or resiliency to be the recipient of my soul crushing negativity".

Sadly, yes. Not that there are any winners here, but the situation is untenable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father died and I cannot even truly cry anymore. He gets angry at me when I’m sad or when I cry and God forbid I ever call him out on hurting me express to him to do something differently.

Everything is met with at least denial and more frequently emotional hostility.

Yesterday we were at Mosaic and sitting and people watching. After battling infertility for 3 years, I’m triggered by watching all the mothers with their children. I felt bitter and angry and sad. I said it annoys me how smug everyone looks having reproduced and how it’s triggering me that it’s possible for everyone one to have a baby so easily.

Instead of comforting me, he was like stop it. You’re being a sourpuss. And how I can’t just keep playing victim and I need to move on and be happy.

He couldn’t even try to show me some empathy!

Then he stone walled me for 1 hour and I didn’t speak to him either, not wanting to be the one to talk first. He says he will take me home since I’m in such a bad mood and walked off.

I followed him to the car.

I came home and cried myself to sleep.

This morning he was mad at me again because I was sad. He said he doesn’t care that I’m sad since I’m ruining everyone’s vibes and it will be better for me to not go to MILs Mother’s Day dinner.

This was after I had just gotten out of the shower intending to get ready to go, then he says ok I’m leaving in 10 mins if you’re not dressed then I’m leaving. I tell him to calm down and stop talking to me like that. He says I’m screaming at him and he will not tolerate it and he is ordering me to stop.

Finally he left without me.

I’ve been crying my eyes out in the dark of my bedroom.

This is abuse and not okay. Can you see this?

Jesus lord it’s not abuse. How long does DH have to put up with OP’s negativity? He’s calling it out and not taking it. That’s not abuse.

He gets angry at me when I’m sad or when I cry
Everything is met with at least denial and more frequently emotional hostility
Then he stone walled me for 1 hour
This morning he was mad at me again because I was sad
He said he doesn’t care that I’m sad since I’m ruining everyone’s vibes and it will be better for me to not go to MILs Mother’s Day dinner
This was after I had just gotten out of the shower intending to get ready to go, then he says ok I’m leaving in 10 mins if you’re not dressed then I’m leaving
Finally he left without me

That's all from the OP. That is not acceptable behavior. There are plenty of ways to handle someone who is being negative, but these aren't those.

She also stone walled him. He was the one that "caved" first.

He told her he was leaving, and she apparently ended up just staying home? She could have still gone. She chose to cry instead of get ready and try to be happy for their event.

OP is using her tears and emotions as manipulation. She does the exact same thing to him, and it's ok when she does it, but when he does it he's being abusive.

I'm not saying OP is a saint, but he stonewalled her first and he said he was leaving in 10 minutes when she had just gotten out of the shower so it sounds like he changed the time on her at the last minute. What she is doing isn't ok, but she also shouldn't be with someone who is abusive. Sounds like they are a terrible match, so she should be thankful they never had kids together.

I don't know how you got all that from the OP. She claims he was stonewalling her so she did it to him but that just doesn't sound right. I read her getting out of the shower 'intending to get ready' comment as she knew what time they were supposed to leave, she lollygagged around and he had no patience for her drama and told her he was leaving in 10 minutes. She could have driven separately if she wanted to.

Yet, who knows what happened. We are all in agreement, though, that the relationship needs to end and thank goodness they had no kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to divorce
And I have never said that on DCUM
You aren't happy. The two of you have not had children. There is no reason for the two of you to be married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

....Yesterday we were at Mosaic and sitting and people watching. After battling infertility for 3 years, I’m triggered by watching all the mothers with their children. I felt bitter and angry and sad. I said it annoys me how smug everyone looks having reproduced and how it’s triggering me that it’s possible for everyone one to have a baby so easily....

You know you're going to hear the harsh truth on DCUM, right? Here it is.

No one is walking around smug because they have reproduced. You have no idea what challenges others have had or how many adopted their kids or were with step-kids. You're making shlt up to feed your disordered thinking and justify your shltty mood/attitude.

Yes, your thinking is disordered. You are likely depressed and have been for a while. Your depression, at least in part, manifests as anger, bitterness, weepiness and emotional dysregulation. You are blind/indifferent to the impact you and your circumstances have on your DH. He was right to leave you at home. Everyone knows you are unreachable and they don't want you ruining gatherings or have to walk on eggshells around you.

Get yourself to individual therapy and, if you want to have a healthy marriage, relationship counseling. If you don't, you are choosing to feel this way.

This is as gently said as possible. It's true. I'm sorry you're grieving and that you have infertility. Please get some help and possibly a divorce too.

OP, this.

Move on from your marriage. Maybe fertility will be better with someone else?

Find a grief group and mourn your parent.

There are better times ahead but not in the marriage you are in, you guys are toxic and resentful. Get unstuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father died and I cannot even truly cry anymore. He gets angry at me when I’m sad or when I cry and God forbid I ever call him out on hurting me express to him to do something differently.

Everything is met with at least denial and more frequently emotional hostility.

Yesterday we were at Mosaic and sitting and people watching. After battling infertility for 3 years, I’m triggered by watching all the mothers with their children. I felt bitter and angry and sad. I said it annoys me how smug everyone looks having reproduced and how it’s triggering me that it’s possible for everyone one to have a baby so easily.

Instead of comforting me, he was like stop it. You’re being a sourpuss. And how I can’t just keep playing victim and I need to move on and be happy.

He couldn’t even try to show me some empathy!

Then he stone walled me for 1 hour and I didn’t speak to him either, not wanting to be the one to talk first. He says he will take me home since I’m in such a bad mood and walked off.

I followed him to the car.

I came home and cried myself to sleep.

This morning he was mad at me again because I was sad. He said he doesn’t care that I’m sad since I’m ruining everyone’s vibes and it will be better for me to not go to MILs Mother’s Day dinner.

This was after I had just gotten out of the shower intending to get ready to go, then he says ok I’m leaving in 10 mins if you’re not dressed then I’m leaving. I tell him to calm down and stop talking to me like that. He says I’m screaming at him and he will not tolerate it and he is ordering me to stop.

Finally he left without me.

I’ve been crying my eyes out in the dark of my bedroom.

This is abuse and not okay. Can you see this?

Jesus lord it’s not abuse. How long does DH have to put up with OP’s negativity? He’s calling it out and not taking it. That’s not abuse.

He gets angry at me when I’m sad or when I cry
Everything is met with at least denial and more frequently emotional hostility
Then he stone walled me for 1 hour
This morning he was mad at me again because I was sad
He said he doesn’t care that I’m sad since I’m ruining everyone’s vibes and it will be better for me to not go to MILs Mother’s Day dinner
This was after I had just gotten out of the shower intending to get ready to go, then he says ok I’m leaving in 10 mins if you’re not dressed then I’m leaving
Finally he left without me

That's all from the OP. That is not acceptable behavior. There are plenty of ways to handle someone who is being negative, but these aren't those.

She also stone walled him. He was the one that "caved" first.

He told her he was leaving, and she apparently ended up just staying home? She could have still gone. She chose to cry instead of get ready and try to be happy for their event.

OP is using her tears and emotions as manipulation. She does the exact same thing to him, and it's ok when she does it, but when he does it he's being abusive.

I'm not saying OP is a saint, but he stonewalled her first and he said he was leaving in 10 minutes when she had just gotten out of the shower so it sounds like he changed the time on her at the last minute. What she is doing isn't ok, but she also shouldn't be with someone who is abusive. Sounds like they are a terrible match, so she should be thankful they never had kids together.

I don't know how you got all that from the OP. She claims he was stonewalling her so she did it to him but that just doesn't sound right. I read her getting out of the shower 'intending to get ready' comment as she knew what time they were supposed to leave, she lollygagged around and he had no patience for her drama and told her he was leaving in 10 minutes. She could have driven separately if she wanted to.

Yet, who knows what happened. We are all in agreement, though, that the relationship needs to end and thank goodness they had no kids.

I'm the PP. I may have read OP's post sympathetically because I also recently lost my dad. But I can see your reading as well.

At least we all agree that they should not be together, and honestly, pointing out who was right or wrong in any of the situations she listed is futile. They're bad together, period.

[Anonymous]

Step 1, make a therapy appt and an appt with your primary care doctor. You need to be screened for depression. Meds can help!!

Step 2, speak with a lawyer to see how divorce would work. This man is not husband or father material. He doesn't even sound like he'd be a kind or caring friend. Consider yourself lucky you haven't had kids with him.

Sending you a big hug!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like an awful relationship.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a marriage like this where no negative feelings were allowed and denial was one of my husband’s main coping skills for dealing with serious problems.

You have to get out. Your husband does not have the emotional skills to navigate life’s ups and downs. Any challenge the two of you face will be made 10x more stressful by his behavior. And it will take a toll on you. It will take a toll on your mental and physical health.

I get where you’re coming from. I wasted my childbearing years with my husband and got out too late to have kids. It’s sad and heartbreaking. But I had to get a divorce to preserve my own health and sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a marriage like this where no negative feelings were allowed and denial was one of my husband’s main coping skills for dealing with serious problems.

You have to get out. Your husband does not have the emotional skills to navigate life’s ups and downs. Any challenge the two of you face will be made 10x more stressful by his behavior. And it will take a toll on you. It will take a toll on your mental and physical health.

I get where you’re coming from. I wasted my childbearing years with my husband and got out too late to have kids. It’s sad and heartbreaking. But I had to get a divorce to preserve my own health and sanity.

NP here and I'm so, so sorry to read this. I wish you peace, my friend ❤️

[Anonymous]

I am not sure if he was kinder at the beginning of your ordeal…but 3 years is a long time to be sad and bitter.

I agree that the fact that you seeing families living life as “smug” means that your perceptions are very distorted. You must start therapy.

I am sorry that you have not gotten the baby you desperately seek.

I am an adoptive mom (by choice), and can guarantee you that the experience is every bit as wonderful as giving birth. But you must grieve the idea of a biological child before you can embrace the joy of parenting through adoption.

I wish you peace.