Wedding dilemma - would this be rude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rude

Wedding invites do not = command performance.

PP you are responding to. I agree with you in principle, and I probably wouldn't use the word "rude" if not for OP formulating the question that way. In this case:

1. The extended family is genuinely close.
2. OP hasn't formulated a specific plan or destination for this particular weekend; there is no prior commitment made, no bucket list item to check off, no deposits/tickets involved, etc.
3. There is nothing special about this particular weekend other than that it's 4 days long. There isn't an event/concert/birthday/seasonal highlight, etc. that requires this particular weekend.
4. The wedding/weekend is months away, so there is plenty of time to make an alternate plan.
5. OP's children are young, so there is plenty of time in the future for many family trips.
6. Because OP and her husband live far away from his family, the opportunities for him and their children to spend time with that whole side of the family, bond/build memories with them are not frequent and will become less so as time goes on.

So, it's not rude but just strikes me as an unfortunate choice.

4 day weekends with school aged kids are not common! I would be sad to miss a rare opportunity for a 4 day weekend staycation or short trip with my kids. If it is to attend a family wedding of a supposedly close extended family- that would be amazing. But if this supposedly close extended family is hosting an event where the kids in the family aren’t welcome, then I’m going to spend the weekend doing something else with my kids, and that’s fine? And neither party should feel bad or mad about this.

Umm, most kids are home from school all summer and get multiple breaks throughout the year. Do what you want, but claiming a four day weekend as some precious thing that must be used for a trip with the kids instead of a wedding seems a bit disingenuous.

Claiming it’s so important for me to attend your wedding, since I’m family, but making me leave my family behind, is also a little disingenuous. But it doesn’t sound like OPs husbands cousins child , the bride, is claiming it’s important that they attend so NBD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

I’m not raging I just wouldn’t go. I posted that 4 day weekends with my kids aren’t common. I do all sorts of things without my kids- for example I work. I go on dates with my husband. I see friends. But for a weekend long event billed as “important for the family”, I’d not believe it was actually important for the family if they weren’t actually inviting my entire family so I would never let the “but it’s family!” line make me feel guilty or really feel anything other than amusement.

The B&G, presumably childless, likely have no idea this is a sacrosanct 4 day weekend. They aren't doing this to stick it to you they chose a fall weekend which so happens to be a random long 4 day weekend. And how is it billed "important for the family" was this written on the invitation? Why are you making so much of this idea? It's a wedding like every other wedding. The closer you are to the bride and groom the more important it is. A cousin's child is not a very close relative at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

I’m not raging I just wouldn’t go. I posted that 4 day weekends with my kids aren’t common. I do all sorts of things without my kids- for example I work. I go on dates with my husband. I see friends. But for a weekend long event billed as “important for the family”, I’d not believe it was actually important for the family if they weren’t actually inviting my entire family so I would never let the “but it’s family!” line make me feel guilty or really feel anything other than amusement.

Then just be amused and don't go. Stop asking people to justify your choice if you don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

You are projecting, no one is enraged in this thread. Weddings are a social obligation with bland food, bland music, expensive and a hassle. I try to minimize time without either parent, or a trusted family member, for my kids. A concert to my favorite band, i'll make an exception. An amazing weekend getaway to Napa, ok. My husband's cousin's kid's wedding, nope not prioritizing that over my kids - the B&G didn't so why should i?

I agree. I see weddings as the joining of 2 families and think it’s silly to make it difficult for family to actually attend, or not invite all members of your family no matter their ages. (I think it’s different to include children who are in the family and invite only adults outside the family , for what it’s worth). If the couple doesn’t see their wedding the same way that’s fine, but it shows me they don’t prioritize their event as the joining of 2 families and the celebration of those 2 families, so I don’t feel any obligation to attend as a distant family member.

Oh and the couple also probably could not give 2 sh*ts since they prefer an adults only formal party, they probably prefer to have mostly their fun friends to dance and drink with and could not care less about their moms cousins wife.

Most couples don’t have that many friends who will attend, they need the “family” so they can spread out the fixed expense of most wedding items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

I’m not raging I just wouldn’t go. I posted that 4 day weekends with my kids aren’t common. I do all sorts of things without my kids- for example I work. I go on dates with my husband. I see friends. But for a weekend long event billed as “important for the family”, I’d not believe it was actually important for the family if they weren’t actually inviting my entire family so I would never let the “but it’s family!” line make me feel guilty or really feel anything other than amusement.

The B&G, presumably childless, likely have no idea this is a sacrosanct 4 day weekend. They aren't doing this to stick it to you they chose a fall weekend which so happens to be a random long 4 day weekend. And how is it billed "important for the family" was this written on the invitation? Why are you making so much of this idea? It's a wedding like every other wedding. The closer you are to the bride and groom the more important it is. A cousin's child is not a very close relative at all.

Long fall weekends (Labor Day??) are rare and precious for everyone. Cheap couples schedule their weddings on one of these days or a Friday or a weekday so they can get the lowest rate. They could care less about their guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

You are projecting, no one is enraged in this thread. Weddings are a social obligation with bland food, bland music, expensive and a hassle. I try to minimize time without either parent, or a trusted family member, for my kids. A concert to my favorite band, i'll make an exception. An amazing weekend getaway to Napa, ok. My husband's cousin's kid's wedding, nope not prioritizing that over my kids - the B&G didn't so why should i?

I agree. I see weddings as the joining of 2 families and think it’s silly to make it difficult for family to actually attend, or not invite all members of your family no matter their ages. (I think it’s different to include children who are in the family and invite only adults outside the family , for what it’s worth). If the couple doesn’t see their wedding the same way that’s fine, but it shows me they don’t prioritize their event as the joining of 2 families and the celebration of those 2 families, so I don’t feel any obligation to attend as a distant family member.

Oh and the couple also probably could not give 2 sh*ts since they prefer an adults only formal party, they probably prefer to have mostly their fun friends to dance and drink with and could not care less about their moms cousins wife.

Most couples don’t have that many friends who will attend, they need the “family” so they can spread out the fixed expense of most wedding items.

What are you talking about? Weddings aren't some revenue generating event with a break even point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

I’m not raging I just wouldn’t go. I posted that 4 day weekends with my kids aren’t common. I do all sorts of things without my kids- for example I work. I go on dates with my husband. I see friends. But for a weekend long event billed as “important for the family”, I’d not believe it was actually important for the family if they weren’t actually inviting my entire family so I would never let the “but it’s family!” line make me feel guilty or really feel anything other than amusement.

The B&G, presumably childless, likely have no idea this is a sacrosanct 4 day weekend. They aren't doing this to stick it to you they chose a fall weekend which so happens to be a random long 4 day weekend. And how is it billed "important for the family" was this written on the invitation? Why are you making so much of this idea? It's a wedding like every other wedding. The closer you are to the bride and groom the more important it is. A cousin's child is not a very close relative at all.

Long fall weekends (Labor Day??) are rare and precious for everyone. Cheap couples schedule their weddings on one of these days or a Friday or a weekday so they can get the lowest rate. They could care less about their guests.

Guaranteed this is like Columbus Day weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

You are projecting, no one is enraged in this thread. Weddings are a social obligation with bland food, bland music, expensive and a hassle. I try to minimize time without either parent, or a trusted family member, for my kids. A concert to my favorite band, i'll make an exception. An amazing weekend getaway to Napa, ok. My husband's cousin's kid's wedding, nope not prioritizing that over my kids - the B&G didn't so why should i?

I agree. I see weddings as the joining of 2 families and think it’s silly to make it difficult for family to actually attend, or not invite all members of your family no matter their ages. (I think it’s different to include children who are in the family and invite only adults outside the family , for what it’s worth). If the couple doesn’t see their wedding the same way that’s fine, but it shows me they don’t prioritize their event as the joining of 2 families and the celebration of those 2 families, so I don’t feel any obligation to attend as a distant family member.

Oh and the couple also probably could not give 2 sh*ts since they prefer an adults only formal party, they probably prefer to have mostly their fun friends to dance and drink with and could not care less about their moms cousins wife.

Most couples don’t have that many friends who will attend, they need the “family” so they can spread out the fixed expense of most wedding items.

What are you talking about? Weddings aren't some revenue generating event with a break even point.

Weddings have fixed expenses that include dress, flowers, photographer, venue rental etc. Yes most couples expect cash contributions from guests that cover a large part of the expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH should make the final decision but depending on the ages of your kids if you wanted to try to do both you could vacation at the wedding location and leave your kids in the hotel room for the wedding.

Agree with PP that I'd let DH decide ..... but to your original point things come up and if you already had plans that is a good enough reason to decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

You are projecting, no one is enraged in this thread. Weddings are a social obligation with bland food, bland music, expensive and a hassle. I try to minimize time without either parent, or a trusted family member, for my kids. A concert to my favorite band, i'll make an exception. An amazing weekend getaway to Napa, ok. My husband's cousin's kid's wedding, nope not prioritizing that over my kids - the B&G didn't so why should i?

I agree. I see weddings as the joining of 2 families and think it’s silly to make it difficult for family to actually attend, or not invite all members of your family no matter their ages. (I think it’s different to include children who are in the family and invite only adults outside the family , for what it’s worth). If the couple doesn’t see their wedding the same way that’s fine, but it shows me they don’t prioritize their event as the joining of 2 families and the celebration of those 2 families, so I don’t feel any obligation to attend as a distant family member.

Oh and the couple also probably could not give 2 sh*ts since they prefer an adults only formal party, they probably prefer to have mostly their fun friends to dance and drink with and could not care less about their moms cousins wife.

Most couples don’t have that many friends who will attend, they need the “family” so they can spread out the fixed expense of most wedding items.

What are you talking about? Weddings aren't some revenue generating event with a break even point.

Weddings have fixed expenses that include dress, flowers, photographer, venue rental etc. Yes most couples expect cash contributions from guests that cover a large part of the expense.

This is a very interesting perspective. I have heard people limit invites to fit their budget. Usually this means "no kids" or limiting invites of parents" friends, etc. I've not heard of people inviting people with the idea that a cash contribution will help pay for the wedding. I hope most people don't actually budget this way. What makes you think this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

You are projecting, no one is enraged in this thread. Weddings are a social obligation with bland food, bland music, expensive and a hassle. I try to minimize time without either parent, or a trusted family member, for my kids. A concert to my favorite band, i'll make an exception. An amazing weekend getaway to Napa, ok. My husband's cousin's kid's wedding, nope not prioritizing that over my kids - the B&G didn't so why should i?

I agree. I see weddings as the joining of 2 families and think it’s silly to make it difficult for family to actually attend, or not invite all members of your family no matter their ages. (I think it’s different to include children who are in the family and invite only adults outside the family , for what it’s worth). If the couple doesn’t see their wedding the same way that’s fine, but it shows me they don’t prioritize their event as the joining of 2 families and the celebration of those 2 families, so I don’t feel any obligation to attend as a distant family member.

Oh and the couple also probably could not give 2 sh*ts since they prefer an adults only formal party, they probably prefer to have mostly their fun friends to dance and drink with and could not care less about their moms cousins wife.

Most couples don’t have that many friends who will attend, they need the “family” so they can spread out the fixed expense of most wedding items.

What are you talking about? Weddings aren't some revenue generating event with a break even point.

Weddings have fixed expenses that include dress, flowers, photographer, venue rental etc. Yes most couples expect cash contributions from guests that cover a large part of the expense.

You have fixed and variable costs. As the guests increase so do the variable costs. Nobody has a big wedding expecting to make money.

[Anonymous]

I would defer to the DH. Options could be...

Whole family travels to the wedding area and spends time with family but only DH goes to the wedding. If this works or not totally depends on the area and if there's enough for it to be a fun trip for those not attending the wedding.
DH goes alone to the wedding, DW and kids take a fun trip someplace else
DH declines the invite and you all continue with original travel plans

I can think of scenarios with my and my DH's relatives where all of these would be good options depending on the people/places involved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

You are projecting, no one is enraged in this thread. Weddings are a social obligation with bland food, bland music, expensive and a hassle. I try to minimize time without either parent, or a trusted family member, for my kids. A concert to my favorite band, i'll make an exception. An amazing weekend getaway to Napa, ok. My husband's cousin's kid's wedding, nope not prioritizing that over my kids - the B&G didn't so why should i?

I agree. I see weddings as the joining of 2 families and think it’s silly to make it difficult for family to actually attend, or not invite all members of your family no matter their ages. (I think it’s different to include children who are in the family and invite only adults outside the family , for what it’s worth). If the couple doesn’t see their wedding the same way that’s fine, but it shows me they don’t prioritize their event as the joining of 2 families and the celebration of those 2 families, so I don’t feel any obligation to attend as a distant family member.

Oh and the couple also probably could not give 2 sh*ts since they prefer an adults only formal party, they probably prefer to have mostly their fun friends to dance and drink with and could not care less about their moms cousins wife.

Most couples don’t have that many friends who will attend, they need the “family” so they can spread out the fixed expense of most wedding items.

What are you talking about? Weddings aren't some revenue generating event with a break even point.

Weddings have fixed expenses that include dress, flowers, photographer, venue rental etc. Yes most couples expect cash contributions from guests that cover a large part of the expense.

This is a very interesting perspective. I have heard people limit invites to fit their budget. Usually this means "no kids" or limiting invites of parents" friends, etc. I've not heard of people inviting people with the idea that a cash contribution will help pay for the wedding. I hope most people don't actually budget this way. What makes you think this?

They limit the kids because the incremental contribution from guests with kids is typically low. So cousin Petunia and husband give a gift of $300 cash, if kids are invited it might stay at $300 or $400 but not $600. This is the number one reason why kids are cut, they don't make financial sense.

Weddings have large fixed costs. If it costs 20k to rent the venue of your dreams, capacity is 120 and you have 80 close friends and family, you add cousin Petunia +1. The variable cost is less than the expected contribution. From what i can tell many couples are very cost sensitive about their wedding yet have no qualms about passing those costs on to their guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

I’m not raging I just wouldn’t go. I posted that 4 day weekends with my kids aren’t common. I do all sorts of things without my kids- for example I work. I go on dates with my husband. I see friends. But for a weekend long event billed as “important for the family”, I’d not believe it was actually important for the family if they weren’t actually inviting my entire family so I would never let the “but it’s family!” line make me feel guilty or really feel anything other than amusement.

The B&G, presumably childless, likely have no idea this is a sacrosanct 4 day weekend. They aren't doing this to stick it to you they chose a fall weekend which so happens to be a random long 4 day weekend. And how is it billed "important for the family" was this written on the invitation? Why are you making so much of this idea? It's a wedding like every other wedding. The closer you are to the bride and groom the more important it is. A cousin's child is not a very close relative at all.

Long fall weekends (Labor Day??) are rare and precious for everyone. Cheap couples schedule their weddings on one of these days or a Friday or a weekday so they can get the lowest rate. They could care less about their guests.

I think most people spend what they can afford. But guests should feel comfortable declining if it's out of budget, or if they have other plans. You can say no without ascribing unflattering narratives to your family and loved ones. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always skip a wedding if you already have plans. It's not rude at all.

For all you people who get enraged by no-kids weddings, do you do anything without your kids? Are they allowed to go to sleepovers alone or to overnight field trips or camps? Do you ever go out to dinner without your kids? Why all the rage towards an adults-only evening?

I’m not raging I just wouldn’t go. I posted that 4 day weekends with my kids aren’t common. I do all sorts of things without my kids- for example I work. I go on dates with my husband. I see friends. But for a weekend long event billed as “important for the family”, I’d not believe it was actually important for the family if they weren’t actually inviting my entire family so I would never let the “but it’s family!” line make me feel guilty or really feel anything other than amusement.

The B&G, presumably childless, likely have no idea this is a sacrosanct 4 day weekend. They aren't doing this to stick it to you they chose a fall weekend which so happens to be a random long 4 day weekend. And how is it billed "important for the family" was this written on the invitation? Why are you making so much of this idea? It's a wedding like every other wedding. The closer you are to the bride and groom the more important it is. A cousin's child is not a very close relative at all.

Long fall weekends (Labor Day??) are rare and precious for everyone. Cheap couples schedule their weddings on one of these days or a Friday or a weekday so they can get the lowest rate. They could care less about their guests.

I think most people spend what they can afford. But guests should feel comfortable declining if it's out of budget, or if they have other plans. You can say no without ascribing unflattering narratives to your family and loved ones. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

No these couples try to maximize what they can get for their limited budget by pushing the costs, financial or otherwise, to their guests.