Husband breaking my trust

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are taken advantage of by their superiors because they let them. If he said, let me call you back once I pick up my kid the boss would have said no problem.

Agree! Women have careers too, yet somehow manage both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are taken advantage of by their superiors because they let them. If he said, let me call you back once I pick up my kid the boss would have said no problem.

Agree! Women have careers too, yet somehow manage both.

Maybe because they do not have micro managing nagging husbands?

[Anonymous]

Most jobs are not 9-5. Hire help.

[Anonymous]

Op, it will drive me crazy too, but I am also pretty anxious and controlling. I recognize that I have a problem but unlike you, I do not blame my husband. I am extremely rigid about time, schedule and routines so I am the one who does most of it. Frankly, I would rather my kids to grow up like my husband. My advice to you is to know what is important for you and DO IT YOURSELF.

[Anonymous]

You seem a bit unhinged, op. My husband also works longer then expected sometimes and no he can’t just hang up on the boss. I don’t know why he couldn’t talk and drive, but what I don’t understand is why you didn’t just go get the kid you wanted home so badly since you had the ability to do it. I don’t understand that. It’s not like you couldn’t, you just plain didn’t want to.
If it helps, daycares are easier on dads then they are moms. When daycare has had enough, they will tell him. If you are worried they will lay into you, your husband now does all daycare pickup and drop off.
Strange that you bring up your background, really op, nobody gives an f. This is a you problem, and not really a problem as you could have seen your husband was on the phone, thank your lucky stars he works from home (that wasn’t an option when our oldest was little) and go get your kids. You can also quit work, that’s one way to not have to deal with daycare again. Your husband didn’t break your trust, op. He was working and you clearly know that. Just as daycare is rough on moms, work isn’t. Women can get by with saying “Gotta get my kids” in a way men just can’t. Women can also quit work indefinitely in a way men cannot so it balances out since balance seems to matter to you.
Boomer alert, but you guys seriously have no idea how good you have it and yet you still fight about the same s**** my husband and I fought over fifteen years ago. Why? There truly is no need for this, and there really isn’t a need to imply that you can’t trust your husband until the end of time. You need help, op and help isn’t announcing a bunch of psychobabble and saying “This is how it is”. Nobody cares, nobody needs to put up with it and in time your husband won’t either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, it will drive me crazy too, but I am also pretty anxious and controlling. I recognize that I have a problem but unlike you, I do not blame my husband. I am extremely rigid about time, schedule and routines so I am the one who does most of it. Frankly, I would rather my kids to grow up like my husband. My advice to you is to know what is important for you and DO IT YOURSELF.

Not OP. Just wanted to say that I appreciate how self-reflective you are about a similar situation. Hopefully OP will take your advice.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he should drop the kid at daycare. He values work alone so the kids would get there on time.

You value spending time with your kid so you should pick the kid up at your convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he DGAF about dinner, the daycare teachers, and the kid activity. Men do what's important to them, that's the bottom line.

Correct, ensuring that the boss is happy so he can continue providing for his family.

Exactly. I'm sure there would be no activities if dad lost job

So if he really can't leave on time, why did he tell his wife that he could?

Because most of the time he can. Are you really this rigid? It's not good for your health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are taken advantage of by their superiors because they let them. If he said, let me call you back once I pick up my kid the boss would have said no problem.

Sure. Do you also believe in fairies and unicorns?

[Anonymous]

He would rather piss off you, the kid, the daycare workers, anybody but his boss. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he get in the car while on the phone?

But yes, you're overreacting and seem like a micromanager

DP
If I did this, I would lose my job! We have safety rules and this is directly against one of them.

Your job doesn’t allow you to use Bluetooth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he sets out ten minutes late because he’s on the phone with his boss. What should he do, hang up on him because he has a nagging wife? And why does it reduce dinner time to only 15 minutes? He must be a saint married to someone like you.

OP, 10 minutes is not late. If you saw him talking on the phone with his boss is there a reason you simply did not pass him a note that you would get the kids?

You are on the verge of extreme nagging. If his job does not allow him to get the kids then perhaps consider you set the cooked dinner on the counter and you pick up the kids then warm the foods afterwards.

Is your other daughter's evening activity necessary? Kids today are seriously overscheduled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are working parents with young kids, and we recently spent many hours trying to find a more balanced split of responsibilities. He offered to do pickup from daycare each day since I do dropoff and make dinner.

We agreed that he would leave by 5:30 - this is already later than I did pickup, and only leaves us like 15 minutes for family dinner, which is the only time we have as a whole family all day. He proposed this approach. At 5:00, I confirmed with him that he would leave no later than 5:30, that this was a hard stop for work, and he said "Of course."

Well, come 5:30, he is still on the phone with his boss, because the boss will be busy for the next few days, so he says 5 more minutes. At 5:35, he is still on the phone. I check in, he's like "I'm finishing up." At 5:40, he is walking out, still trying to finish up with his boss on the phone.

I got extremely upset. He said "Sorry, but it was important".

I told him that I can't trust anything he says. I basically have to hope and pray each day that something doesn't come up at work, never knowing which day he might just ignore what we agreed on, miss family dinner, upset our little kid who hates being picked up late, annoy the daycare teachers , make our older kid late for her activity. Basically, his boss controls our family life.

He said I'm overreacting and it's not like he's cheating, so it's not breaking trust. And can't I focus on the fact that most days he gets out by 5:30?

He has a history of breaking promises and putting work first, always working longer than he tells me.

I have a history of anxious attachment from my family of origin. However, I really think that I'm not being unreasonable here. Because I can't trust him on bigger things if even these smaller promises mean so little to him. If he can't commit to leaving at 5:30, he should own up to it. If he thought he could do it, but now realizes it's only possible 80% of the time, he could say "Hey, I'm sorry I overcommitted. Are you okay with doing pickup at short notice when I'm stuck on the phone? Or let's look into hiring someone to drive our kid home?

How can I communicate all this to him? Or am I totally wrong here?

Being 10 minutes late is not breaking someone's trust. Most would not consider 10 minutes to not be late. Your husband sounds like a decent man and a good provider for his family. He is trying to pay the bills. In the workplace you can't hang up on your boss.

He told you he was sorry and it was important.

Understand that your extreme nagging can tear down a marriage. Consider quitting your job to micromanage schedules or consider hiring someone to cook dinner so you can pick up the kids.

Consider backing way off of your husband. He seems like a decent man and a good provider.

Can you other child's activity be discontinued so that you all can have more relaxing family time? Instead of racing around?

The man is not having an affair. He is working hard to support his family. Have some grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are working parents with young kids, and we recently spent many hours trying to find a more balanced split of responsibilities. He offered to do pickup from daycare each day since I do dropoff and make dinner.

We agreed that he would leave by 5:30 - this is already later than I did pickup, and only leaves us like 15 minutes for family dinner, which is the only time we have as a whole family all day. He proposed this approach. At 5:00, I confirmed with him that he would leave no later than 5:30, that this was a hard stop for work, and he said "Of course."

Well, come 5:30, he is still on the phone with his boss, because the boss will be busy for the next few days, so he says 5 more minutes. At 5:35, he is still on the phone. I check in, he's like "I'm finishing up." At 5:40, he is walking out, still trying to finish up with his boss on the phone.

I got extremely upset. He said "Sorry, but it was important".

I told him that I can't trust anything he says. I basically have to hope and pray each day that something doesn't come up at work, never knowing which day he might just ignore what we agreed on, miss family dinner, upset our little kid who hates being picked up late, annoy the daycare teachers , make our older kid late for her activity. Basically, his boss controls our family life.

He said I'm overreacting and it's not like he's cheating, so it's not breaking trust. And can't I focus on the fact that most days he gets out by 5:30?

He has a history of breaking promises and putting work first, always working longer than he tells me.

I have a history of anxious attachment from my family of origin. However, I really think that I'm not being unreasonable here. Because I can't trust him on bigger things if even these smaller promises mean so little to him. If he can't commit to leaving at 5:30, he should own up to it. If he thought he could do it, but now realizes it's only possible 80% of the time, he could say "Hey, I'm sorry I overcommitted. Are you okay with doing pickup at short notice when I'm stuck on the phone? Or let's look into hiring someone to drive our kid home?

How can I communicate all this to him? Or am I totally wrong here?

Good lord, you sound exhausting.

FYI, the sky is NOT falling, chicken little.

Exactly, how many hours is "many"?
I have no doubt that you were the one driving these many hours of tedious discussion about scheduling.

It's really not that difficult, especially since he works from home.
It sounds like you just like making his life difficult, which he will grow to resent & detest in short order.
You're going to torn him into a bitter husband if you don't change the way you speak to him.

Not every little thing is a crisis where you can't trust your husband now, that's ridiculous!

Although, you CAN trust that if you don't appreciate how hard he works at trying to make you happy, there will always be some other woman who will be thrilled to take a hard working family man off of your hands... that's a promise.

Only then, will you regret your neurotic behavior.

Please go get a diagnosis and medication for your anxiety and control issue, as you'll make your entire household miserable & resentful.

[Anonymous]

NP here…

1. To the person commenting about a job not allowing Bluetooth, I have a client that is a major chemicals corporation. They have a big safety culture and really emphasize things like - no looking at your phone while you are walking, no distracted driving (ie, Bluetooth), etc. To the point that if you are in Finance and walking down the hall (not a plant) on your phone, >50% of the time someone will say something to you.

2. OP - I’ve had several couple friends go through divorces recently. One factor in these scenarios is that one spouse is not happy with whatever the other spouse does - it was literally never enough and the goalpost kept moving. What do you really want? Do you want to pick up the kids or do you want him home for family dinner? Pick whatever it is and LET HIM DO IT HIS OWN WAY. Do you respect him? Do you think he is smart and generally makes good decisions? If so, let go and assume that he will make it work vs assuming if he doesn’t do it exactly your way that he is a bad guy and you can’t trust him. Start from a place of yes. When you stop being on your spouse’s team, the spouse will tend to pull away.