Husband breaking my trust

[Anonymous]

As a DH with a wife who prioritizes work similar to your husband my advice would be the same of previous posters and if he agrees to a task let him do it. You are only going to stress yourself out more worrying about it trying to control him. Pickup is on him, if he's late he needs to own it. If you can't stand the thought of him picking up late, missing dinner, etc. then you need to do the tasks. I did all drop offs and pickups for this reason. Then my wife could focus on work and when she got home dinner was ready and the kids were there, whatever time it was and more importantly, I wasnt worried about anything. You cant sweat the small things and need to let stuff like this go, as hard as it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is a people-pleaser who tells you what you want to hear but isn't willing to follow through. And I get that it is maddening. Because you can't really believe anything he commits to. Or else your communication is poor and he actually means "Unless my boss calls me" and he isn't saying that caveat aloud. You need to be more clear with him (and I know you felt like you were clear but he's obviously not catching your meaning) that a boss phone call is not a good reason. If that means he doesn't do this task, he does a different task.

I had this fight with my husband so many times. "If you can't do it, don't tell me you will do it." "Why did you agree to this if you won't actually do it?" It took a year of having that conversation before he got it. Now he only agrees to do things that are realistically possible.

Same! That's a reoccurring fight in our house. DH agrees then doesn't follow through. I'm glad your DH finally changed his approach. Mine won't say no to anything then gets mad when I'm upset about him failing to uphold his agreement.

It took a while. But I had to say a zillion times "I'd rather you say no right now, than that you let me down later." And tiptoe around his people-pleasing nature.

Also, scheme and connive ways for him to experience natural consequences of his failures-- consequences that will matter TO HIM.

[Anonymous]

I hate the responses saying he has to deal with the consequences. He obviously doesn’t care so he’s not dealing with anything. The kids are the ones left at daycare after all their friends have been picked up. That sucks and I never wanted that for my kids. So I did pick up and yes I have walked out of a meeting saying I need to get my kids, I will follow up with you later. I have zero regrets. Other people feel differently but when that is one parent’s value and the other person disregards it repeatedly it’s disrespectful.

I have written this before but I think things run best when each parent is in charge of the stuff they care about. If you don’t care what time the kids get to daycare, put him in charge of drop off. If you don’t care about dinner put him in charge of dinner. Then let those things go completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is a people-pleaser who tells you what you want to hear but isn't willing to follow through. And I get that it is maddening. Because you can't really believe anything he commits to. Or else your communication is poor and he actually means "Unless my boss calls me" and he isn't saying that caveat aloud. You need to be more clear with him (and I know you felt like you were clear but he's obviously not catching your meaning) that a boss phone call is not a good reason. If that means he doesn't do this task, he does a different task.

I had this fight with my husband so many times. "If you can't do it, don't tell me you will do it." "Why did you agree to this if you won't actually do it?" It took a year of having that conversation before he got it. Now he only agrees to do things that are realistically possible.

Same! That's a reoccurring fight in our house. DH agrees then doesn't follow through. I'm glad your DH finally changed his approach. Mine won't say no to anything then gets mad when I'm upset about him failing to uphold his agreement.

Maybe he fears conflict and can't handle it and that's why he won't say now, and that's also why he gets mad.

[Anonymous]

So he sets out ten minutes late because he’s on the phone with his boss. What should he do, hang up on him because he has a nagging wife? And why does it reduce dinner time to only 15 minutes? He must be a saint married to someone like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he sets out ten minutes late because he’s on the phone with his boss. What should he do, hang up on him because he has a nagging wife? And why does it reduce dinner time to only 15 minutes? He must be a saint married to someone like you.

What he should do is not agree to thinge he can't accomplish in real life.

[Anonymous]

You are wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he sets out ten minutes late because he’s on the phone with his boss. What should he do, hang up on him because he has a nagging wife? And why does it reduce dinner time to only 15 minutes? He must be a saint married to someone like you.

I'm not OP but I thought she made it pretty clear that her older child had evening activities, so presumably that means they have to leave the house at 6:30, for example, so if they sit down at 6, then they have 30 minutes for dinner. If they sit down at 6:15 because her husband picked the younger child up later, then they only have 15 minutes.

OP, I'll say that this season of life will pass (when you have one in daycare and on doing activities), so if I were you I would be willing to adopt a little flexibility here. Maybe don't plan to eat dinner together every night, or at least the nights you have other activities. That's just one example, but there are lots of ways I think you can relax a little here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he DGAF about dinner, the daycare teachers, and the kid activity. Men do what's important to them, that's the bottom line.

Correct, ensuring that the boss is happy so he can continue providing for his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he get in the car while on the phone?

But yes, you're overreacting and seem like a micromanager

DP
If I did this, I would lose my job! We have safety rules and this is directly against one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he sets out ten minutes late because he’s on the phone with his boss. What should he do, hang up on him because he has a nagging wife? And why does it reduce dinner time to only 15 minutes? He must be a saint married to someone like you.

I'm not OP but I thought she made it pretty clear that her older child had evening activities, so presumably that means they have to leave the house at 6:30, for example, so if they sit down at 6, then they have 30 minutes for dinner. If they sit down at 6:15 because her husband picked the younger child up later, then they only have 15 minutes.

OP, I'll say that this season of life will pass (when you have one in daycare and on doing activities), so if I were you I would be willing to adopt a little flexibility here. Maybe don't plan to eat dinner together every night, or at least the nights you have other activities. That's just one example, but there are lots of ways I think you can relax a little here.

It happened once There has to be room in life for flexibility, if the schedule is so tight that they can't err 10 minutes something is wrong


And no one doesn't just tell their boss I'll talk to you later when the situation y not rmergent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he DGAF about dinner, the daycare teachers, and the kid activity. Men do what's important to them, that's the bottom line.

Correct, ensuring that the boss is happy so he can continue providing for his family.

Exactly. I'm sure there would be no activities if dad lost job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he DGAF about dinner, the daycare teachers, and the kid activity. Men do what's important to them, that's the bottom line.

Correct, ensuring that the boss is happy so he can continue providing for his family.

Exactly. I'm sure there would be no activities if dad lost job

So if he really can't leave on time, why did he tell his wife that he could?

[Anonymous]

People are taken advantage of by their superiors because they let them. If he said, let me call you back once I pick up my kid the boss would have said no problem.

[Anonymous]

Have him do the AM drop. You do the PM pick up.