Dh berates and embarrassed me in front of guests - anyone else?

[Anonymous]

He is an abusive narc. Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am in therapy, he is not. I think I will talk to him later and say we will have zero guests over together (he can do what he wants when I’m not there) until he gets therapy also.

I think we need marriage counseling too.

As for divorce - I just don’t think I can not have the kids 50% of the time. I’d rather go to extreme measures to control for their environment and make it as healthy as possible first

Why are you in therapy? Because he convinced you, you are the problem? You are not, he is victim blaming. He will not take the kids 50% of the time, he is a self-centered abusive narc and cares only about himself. You are raising kids who will become like him, and treat others like trash, or they will become victims like you. I am sure he puts your kids down too. That is how he gets self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed to have other people see how your DH actually treats you. The problem isn’t that other people see, the problem is the way he treats you.

When I started having people
over, that is when I noticed how my husband of 15 years treated me. I will never forget the remark one friend (male, spouse of another friend) made to me when I walked him to his car. Let’s just say, he noticed and was kind enough to say something to me.

You might be able to course correct

I was not able tix

what did he say????

Both a lot —and a little. He sort of starred at me with a sad and sorry face. Then he said one sentence. A typical, almost cliche one but one that has a double meaning. We both witnessed the same behavior my my ex. So there was a lot that didn’t need to be said. I don’t want to say more bc I am local and I don’t know if my friends read this.

But that and a few other comments by friends changes my trajectory. That is why I believe in having friends and extending your circle! They can be helpful sentinels.

[Anonymous]

Same poster as above. I actually think you should have your friends over —all of the time. Entertain in your house. That’s what you love.
Just side line your roommate (or whatever). He doesn’t need to anything he doesn’t want to do. It’s voluntary.

Once you think of it that way, you can have fun in your own home, swap funny stories and unwind. All the things that bring you joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP that said I'm in a similar situation -
Would you feel the same way about divorce if you knew the 50% of time the kids are with the other parent they may be getting belittled and verbally abused? Serious question. I don't want to take away their dad and fight for more custody but feel like I can somewhat shield them from abuse if I'm present. Or at least stop it while it's happening to them (even though that then turns into being accused of undermining).

I might gently offer that you are seeing the situation from your adult perspective and not really understanding how your children experience it. I would also offer that you seem conflicted about what is going on. You do not want to take away your children's time from their Dad. But in the same breath, you seem to imply that time with their Dad will come with more abuse if you are not present? So if Dad's custody time is filled with abuse, why wouldn't you fight to limit it? Although I have written earlier, as the kid who lived through this, I am not writing to suggest a particular outcome, but merely to note that you thinking on this issue may not yet be clear.

I’m a different poster, but you’re both under the illusion that it’s possible to fight and limit the dad’s time. Realistically it’s not. This type of verbal communication is terrible but comes nowhere near the threshold for reducing custody. You could throw your entire retirement account at trying to reduce his custody and still be back at 50/50 or worse — you could end up with less and be accused of parental alienation.

I think people are too quick to scream DIVORCE! But realistically, staying and managing the other parent can be a lot better. She can always divorce when the kids are older and she’s had time to prepare.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't really call him out, because she knows he would explode. She is scared of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call him out on his BS.

My DH tried this because that is how his military dad talked to his (mostly) SAHM mom. FIL was an insecure, frustrated little man, and the ILs thought this was acceptable. Of course, the kids did, too, and a couple of them are equally insecure, frustrated and little. The MIL literally physically jumps for men, it is fascinating - if not positively sad, to see in action. [So, she is not one to choose the right side, and often pairs with whomever is more stubborn, as both MIL and FIL are stubborn.]

It is never acceptable for anyone to talk to you this way, especially your spouse. End that shyt, even if you have to do it in front of everyone else (like he does). He asked for it.

Call it out.

Nothing to discuss or argue about. Calling out and if he starts an argument call it out again and say it needs to stop.
Then walk away, with the kids.

Are you living in this century? Custody would be 50/50 now. That's what makes it so incredibly hard to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call him out on his BS.

My DH tried this because that is how his military dad talked to his (mostly) SAHM mom. FIL was an insecure, frustrated little man, and the ILs thought this was acceptable. Of course, the kids did, too, and a couple of them are equally insecure, frustrated and little. The MIL literally physically jumps for men, it is fascinating - if not positively sad, to see in action. [So, she is not one to choose the right side, and often pairs with whomever is more stubborn, as both MIL and FIL are stubborn.]

It is never acceptable for anyone to talk to you this way, especially your spouse. End that shyt, even if you have to do it in front of everyone else (like he does). He asked for it.

Call it out.

Nothing to discuss or argue about. Calling out and if he starts an argument call it out again and say it needs to stop.
Then walk away, with the kids.

Are you living in this century? Custody would be 50/50 now. That's what makes it so incredibly hard to leave.

I meant leave the room or house for a few hours with the kids. When you come back the rager will act like nothing happened. It’s like their out of body rage experience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't really call him out, because she knows he would explode. She is scared of him.

Yes everyone aware of his temper will walk on eggshells because he takes it out on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

Is he a mail order groom, did you not know each other's weaknesses before you ordered a wedding cake?
Yes he is exactly the same when we don’t have guests

Examples are when we’ve had friends over who are couples (not a whole big party) and a big kitchen and terrace so cook while we hang out with them and chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

Yes he is exactly the same when we don’t have guests

Examples are when we’ve had friends over who are couples (not a whole big party) and a big kitchen and terrace so cook while we hang out with them and chat

He is rude and thoughtless, you are disorganized. Is he a mail order groom, did you not know each other's weaknesses before you ordered a wedding cake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same poster as above. I actually think you should have your friends over —all of the time. Entertain in your house. That’s what you love.
Just side line your roommate (or whatever). He doesn’t need to anything he doesn’t want to do. It’s voluntary.

Once you think of it that way, you can have fun in your own home, swap funny stories and unwind. All the things that bring you joy.

Well, real issue isn't pretending to be happy, but to be happy with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

Think about how the way your husband is speaking to you is impacting your young (impressionable!) children.

They will never respect you if you stay w/someone for years who talks down to you the way he does.
Who knows??
Maybe they will grow up thinking this is a normal manner in how a wife should be spoken to which will not bode well for their own, adult relationships.

I would be mortified if my husband ever spoke to me this disrespectful in front of other people, most especially my own friends/family.

Either your husband starts treating you w/more respect or tell him you are out the door. 😠

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP that said I'm in a similar situation -
Would you feel the same way about divorce if you knew the 50% of time the kids are with the other parent they may be getting belittled and verbally abused? Serious question. I don't want to take away their dad and fight for more custody but feel like I can somewhat shield them from abuse if I'm present. Or at least stop it while it's happening to them (even though that then turns into being accused of undermining).

I might gently offer that you are seeing the situation from your adult perspective and not really understanding how your children experience it. I would also offer that you seem conflicted about what is going on. You do not want to take away your children's time from their Dad. But in the same breath, you seem to imply that time with their Dad will come with more abuse if you are not present? So if Dad's custody time is filled with abuse, why wouldn't you fight to limit it? Although I have written earlier, as the kid who lived through this, I am not writing to suggest a particular outcome, but merely to note that you thinking on this issue may not yet be clear.

I’m a different poster, but you’re both under the illusion that it’s possible to fight and limit the dad’s time. Realistically it’s not. This type of verbal communication is terrible but comes nowhere near the threshold for reducing custody. You could throw your entire retirement account at trying to reduce his custody and still be back at 50/50 or worse — you could end up with less and be accused of parental alienation.

I think people are too quick to scream DIVORCE! But realistically, staying and managing the other parent can be a lot better. She can always divorce when the kids are older and she’s had time to prepare.

Except, OP can't manage her husband's behavior. She may be able to deflect the attention away from the kids sometimes but it's not like witnessing abuse is less damaging than being the target. And, what are the chances the kids are never target.

Those who claim to stay in toxic relationships in order to 'protect' their kids are just deluding themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster as above. I actually think you should have your friends over —all of the time. Entertain in your house. That’s what you love.
Just side line your roommate (or whatever). He doesn’t need to anything he doesn’t want to do. It’s voluntary.

Once you think of it that way, you can have fun in your own home, swap funny stories and unwind. All the things that bring you joy.

Well, real issue isn't pretending to be happy, but to be happy with each other.

Why? many people are not “happy” with their spouse — they work survive and do just fine. Happy is a full of gradients.

you just have to be comfortable, and safe. generally content most of the time. And you can have fun with friends —and not rely on your “bestie-for-life” (who may or may not be going through his own stuff, for all we know) . I was just saying don’t keep your friends out of the house just bc of the roommate