Dh berates and embarrassed me in front of guests - anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

And you want them to learn this is how they should treat their spouse? This is what they deserve to be treated like? No.

I agree with this. Why do you want your children to grow up in this household. I’m always so puzzled when people say kids are a reason to stay together in abusive circumstances. No, it’s the opposite.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry he treats you like that. Why do we put up with it?

[Anonymous]

OP, call him out on his BS.

My DH tried this because that is how his military dad talked to his (mostly) SAHM mom. FIL was an insecure, frustrated little man, and the ILs thought this was acceptable. Of course, the kids did, too, and a couple of them are equally insecure, frustrated and little. The MIL literally physically jumps for men, it is fascinating - if not positively sad, to see in action. [So, she is not one to choose the right side, and often pairs with whomever is more stubborn, as both MIL and FIL are stubborn.]

It is never acceptable for anyone to talk to you this way, especially your spouse. End that shyt, even if you have to do it in front of everyone else (like he does). He asked for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry he treats you like that. Why do we put up with it?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

And what are they learning??

(Not to respect you. Or that marriage is about mutual love and support.)

I strongly suggest therapy. If he won't go with you, then go alone. This is not healthy. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Also, don’t have more kids with this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

And you want them to learn this is how they should treat their spouse? This is what they deserve to be treated like? No.

I agree with this. Why do you want your children to grow up in this household. I’m always so puzzled when people say kids are a reason to stay together in abusive circumstances. No, it’s the opposite.

EXACTLY.

Do you want to condemn your daughter (or son's wives) to your existence in the future.

Where do you think children learn such dynamics? You are imprinting it on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh has got so into the habit of this that I’ve started to avoid having guests over. It’s not actual screaming but I would describe it as trolling or the type of personal bickering that happens but typically not in front of other people. Example:
Me: would you be ok to cook the zucchini while i give the kids their pizza?
Him (visibly irritated) I’m just about to do xyz. Why do you always find the exact time I’m right in the middle of something to ask me to do something else. It’s like you have a radar for when I’m either doing something or relaxing for one second. Can you just chill and I’ll get to the zucchini when i get to the zucchini

Me: I’m going to put the chicken on the bbq
Him: the coals are too low now and the chicken will take ages and won’t cook properly and everyone will get sick. Why didn’t you put it on earlier? You always fail to understand how the bbq works and then try to live in bbq fantasy land and make things that are undercooked or overcooked

I can tell it makes people uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable but no matter how many times I tell him that it makes no impact. What is this? Poorly controlled adhd? Other?

Verbal abuse. It's verbal abuse. How are things otherwise?

Not amazing.

He has adhd and that impacts his ability to be proactive, contribute to making things happen, progress in his career, organize etc etc and that causes friction. I have a lot on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh has got so into the habit of this that I’ve started to avoid having guests over. It’s not actual screaming but I would describe it as trolling or the type of personal bickering that happens but typically not in front of other people. Example:
Me: would you be ok to cook the zucchini while i give the kids their pizza?
Him (visibly irritated) I’m just about to do xyz. Why do you always find the exact time I’m right in the middle of something to ask me to do something else. It’s like you have a radar for when I’m either doing something or relaxing for one second. Can you just chill and I’ll get to the zucchini when i get to the zucchini

Me: I’m going to put the chicken on the bbq
Him: the coals are too low now and the chicken will take ages and won’t cook properly and everyone will get sick. Why didn’t you put it on earlier? You always fail to understand how the bbq works and then try to live in bbq fantasy land and make things that are undercooked or overcooked

I can tell it makes people uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable but no matter how many times I tell him that it makes no impact. What is this? Poorly controlled adhd? Other?

Verbal abuse. It's verbal abuse. How are things otherwise?

Not amazing.

He has adhd and that impacts his ability to be proactive, contribute to making things happen, progress in his career, organize etc etc and that causes friction. I have a lot on me

I’m sorry, that sounds rough. If it’s any consolation, it’s much brighter on the other side without an a-hole, verbally abusive husband. Please do think of what the kids are learning rights now. I guarantee they are starting to echo similar communication patterns with friends. Having grown up with something similar, I had to reprogram my responses so it wasn’t knee jerk unhealthy. Took 10 years or so.

[Anonymous]

Not OP - I'm in a very similar situation (a lot worse in private than what OP described) and couples counseling did not help a bit. While I agree this kind of dynamic is detrimental to the kids, what happens in a divorce? Doesn't the man get the kids equally? If it was just me, I would have been out the door already but it's scary to think he will have the kids 50% and treat them with the same verbal abuse. For all those suggesting divorce, how do you handle the custody part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP - I'm in a very similar situation (a lot worse in private than what OP described) and couples counseling did not help a bit. While I agree this kind of dynamic is detrimental to the kids, what happens in a divorce? Doesn't the man get the kids equally? If it was just me, I would have been out the door already but it's scary to think he will have the kids 50% and treat them with the same verbal abuse. For all those suggesting divorce, how do you handle the custody part?

All I can tell you, as the kid who grew up in this kind of home, I wished everyday that it would stop and they could find happier lives elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed to have other people see how your DH actually treats you. The problem isn’t that other people see, the problem is the way he treats you.

This. You've let yourself become numb to it, and it's only in these moments you have flashes of how bad it is. But this is what your kids get all the time.

I know you're concerned about divorce and custody, but giving your kids 50% of healthy appropriate environment is better than what you are giving them now. You aren't even giving them 50% of that now. It's just all bad, all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has got so into the habit of this that I’ve started to avoid having guests over. It’s not actual screaming but I would describe it as trolling or the type of personal bickering that happens but typically not in front of other people. Example:
Me: would you be ok to cook the zucchini while i give the kids their pizza?
Him (visibly irritated) I’m just about to do xyz. Why do you always find the exact time I’m right in the middle of something to ask me to do something else. It’s like you have a radar for when I’m either doing something or relaxing for one second. Can you just chill and I’ll get to the zucchini when i get to the zucchini

Me: I’m going to put the chicken on the bbq
Him: the coals are too low now and the chicken will take ages and won’t cook properly and everyone will get sick. Why didn’t you put it on earlier? You always fail to understand how the bbq works and then try to live in bbq fantasy land and make things that are undercooked or overcooked

I can tell it makes people uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable but no matter how many times I tell him that it makes no impact. What is this? Poorly controlled adhd? Other?

This makes me laugh. No, he does this because he is a jerk. But in all seriousness, is it possible you have ADHD? It sounds like you aren’t planning properly/things are left to the last minute and then getting into these situations that frustrate him. Again, he’s the jerk here. But as someone with ADHD, my first thought was this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed to have other people see how your DH actually treats you. The problem isn’t that other people see, the problem is the way he treats you.

This. You've let yourself become numb to it, and it's only in these moments you have flashes of how bad it is. But this is what your kids get all the time.

I know you're concerned about divorce and custody, but giving your kids 50% of healthy appropriate environment is better than what you are giving them now. You aren't even giving them 50% of that now. It's just all bad, all the time.

I’m the person who posted above you. While I agree with this, I think it minimizes the current harm to the kids. Watching one parent berate the other is a harm. That one really gets reduced in divorce.

[Anonymous]

It’s called assholioitis. The only cure is divorce.