Dh berates and embarrassed me in front of guests - anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Jeez, someone would treat me like that exactly once and it wouldn’t happen again. Get therapy, talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and be prepared to leave. This is an unhealthy dynamic. If he refuses marriage counseling, then proceed with separation. You both need to right the ship and if he’s not willing to put in the effort, then it’s time to move on. Nothing good will come from staying married to someone who clearly dislikes you. It’s unhealthy for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have people over. If he asks why, tell him you’re not going to put up with his verbal abuse and be embarrassed again. If he says he wants to invite people over, tell him feel free but I’m not lifting a finger because—as you’ve made a point to let me know—I can’t do anything right when it comes to hosting. Feel free to invite people, but think of me as another guest.

[Anonymous]

Op - I am in therapy, he is not. I think I will talk to him later and say we will have zero guests over together (he can do what he wants when I’m not there) until he gets therapy also.

I think we need marriage counseling too.

As for divorce - I just don’t think I can not have the kids 50% of the time. I’d rather go to extreme measures to control for their environment and make it as healthy as possible first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am in therapy, he is not. I think I will talk to him later and say we will have zero guests over together (he can do what he wants when I’m not there) until he gets therapy also.

I think we need marriage counseling too.

As for divorce - I just don’t think I can not have the kids 50% of the time. I’d rather go to extreme measures to control for their environment and make it as healthy as possible first

The problem isn’t having guests over, the problem is how he treats you day in day out, whether guests are witnessing it or not.

As someone whose mom stayed with my verbally abusive, belittling dad—I’d encourage you to really assess whether their environment can be healthy as possible with your family together. In divorce, they can have a calm, healthy environment 50% of the time. Right now, what do they have? Walking on eggshells and learning unhealthy communication/relationship patterns 100% of the time?

[Anonymous]

PP that said I'm in a similar situation -
Would you feel the same way about divorce if you knew the 50% of time the kids are with the other parent they may be getting belittled and verbally abused? Serious question. I don't want to take away their dad and fight for more custody but feel like I can somewhat shield them from abuse if I'm present. Or at least stop it while it's happening to them (even though that then turns into being accused of undermining).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP that said I'm in a similar situation -
Would you feel the same way about divorce if you knew the 50% of time the kids are with the other parent they may be getting belittled and verbally abused? Serious question. I don't want to take away their dad and fight for more custody but feel like I can somewhat shield them from abuse if I'm present. Or at least stop it while it's happening to them (even though that then turns into being accused of undermining).

I might gently offer that you are seeing the situation from your adult perspective and not really understanding how your children experience it. I would also offer that you seem conflicted about what is going on. You do not want to take away your children's time from their Dad. But in the same breath, you seem to imply that time with their Dad will come with more abuse if you are not present? So if Dad's custody time is filled with abuse, why wouldn't you fight to limit it? Although I have written earlier, as the kid who lived through this, I am not writing to suggest a particular outcome, but merely to note that you thinking on this issue may not yet be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am in therapy, he is not. I think I will talk to him later and say we will have zero guests over together (he can do what he wants when I’m not there) until he gets therapy also.

I think we need marriage counseling too.

As for divorce - I just don’t think I can not have the kids 50% of the time. I’d rather go to extreme measures to control for their environment and make it as healthy as possible first

What does your therapist say about this behavior and your apparent lack of ability to hold him accountable for it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does it because he is insecure but needs to feel powerful and can belittle you with no consequences.

Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? Do you want your children to have these relationship dynamics as adults ?

+1. Someone said that this person should make sure she isn't cooking zucchini, should manage her time better, etc. Bullshit. He shouldn't be talking to her this way no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

And invest in a gas grill!

[Anonymous]

My dad used to yell sharply at my mom in front of guests. Correcting her, rebuking her. It was very uncomfortable growing up in a household like this. He was very controlling even though my mom wouldn’t have it and would snap back. In our culture divorce wasn’t possible, and I lived my dad but wish the dynamic between them wasn’t this way. They both passed on and I feel sad about the tension that was always so high in our house.

[Anonymous]

Mine doesn't. Not in this lifetime. I'd stop that quick. Say, excuse me ? But you need to SHUT THE F UP and talk to me not AT me. And that loud tone is a NO. If you can't manage that then maybe you don't belong in this family.

He's teaching his kids disrespect for their mother. If he can't see that then he needs to go. Life is too short and God did not make anyone to live in misery. You know it's wrong. He knows it's wrong.

Time to right that wrong. Today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t have people over. If he asks why, tell him you’re not going to put up with his verbal abuse and be embarrassed again. If he says he wants to invite people over, tell him feel free but I’m not lifting a finger because—as you’ve made a point to let me know—I can’t do anything right when it comes to hosting. Feel free to invite people, but think of me as another guest.

This. And get your financial housing in order. Hopefully he will change, but if not, you don't want your kids replicating this behavior. When they are teenagers, they will start to talk to you like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has got so into the habit of this that I’ve started to avoid having guests over. It’s not actual screaming but I would describe it as trolling or the type of personal bickering that happens but typically not in front of other people. Example:
Me: would you be ok to cook the zucchini while i give the kids their pizza?
Him (visibly irritated) I’m just about to do xyz. Why do you always find the exact time I’m right in the middle of something to ask me to do something else. It’s like you have a radar for when I’m either doing something or relaxing for one second. Can you just chill and I’ll get to the zucchini when i get to the zucchini

Me: I’m going to put the chicken on the bbq
Him: the coals are too low now and the chicken will take ages and won’t cook properly and everyone will get sick. Why didn’t you put it on earlier? You always fail to understand how the bbq works and then try to live in bbq fantasy land and make things that are undercooked or overcooked

I can tell it makes people uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable but no matter how many times I tell him that it makes no impact. What is this? Poorly controlled adhd? Other?

My father was a rageaholic and did this to my mom. Likely undiagnosed trauma and personality disorder. It damaged me as a child. Decades of therapy needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

This is such a classic tone of DCUM responses. If OP had just thought ahead a little better her husband wouldn’t be so cruel. Fix the logistics, fix the cruelty, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

All the more reason to divorce. Don’t expose them to this. They see and absorb it all. If you think they don’t you are wrong.