Dh berates and embarrassed me in front of guests - anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Dh has got so into the habit of this that I’ve started to avoid having guests over. It’s not actual screaming but I would describe it as trolling or the type of personal bickering that happens but typically not in front of other people. Example:
Me: would you be ok to cook the zucchini while i give the kids their pizza?
Him (visibly irritated) I’m just about to do xyz. Why do you always find the exact time I’m right in the middle of something to ask me to do something else. It’s like you have a radar for when I’m either doing something or relaxing for one second. Can you just chill and I’ll get to the zucchini when i get to the zucchini

Me: I’m going to put the chicken on the bbq
Him: the coals are too low now and the chicken will take ages and won’t cook properly and everyone will get sick. Why didn’t you put it on earlier? You always fail to understand how the bbq works and then try to live in bbq fantasy land and make things that are undercooked or overcooked

I can tell it makes people uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable but no matter how many times I tell him that it makes no impact. What is this? Poorly controlled adhd? Other?

[Anonymous]

*should read ‘berates and embarrasses’

[Anonymous]

Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

Yes he is exactly the same when we don’t have guests

Examples are when we’ve had friends over who are couples (not a whole big party) and a big kitchen and terrace so cook while we hang out with them and chat

[Anonymous]

You are embarrassed to have other people see how your DH actually treats you. The problem isn’t that other people see, the problem is the way he treats you.

[Anonymous]

Divorce the POS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

[Anonymous]

Have talked to him about it?
Has he always talked to you this way?
How are you contributing to this? Couple’s therapy would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

He does it because he is insecure but needs to feel powerful and can belittle you with no consequences.

Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? Do you want your children to have these relationship dynamics as adults ?

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is an accurate transcript, he is awful. Really awful. He is nasty and insulting. This goes way beyond bickering. If I was a guest, I would be concerned that, in private, it is way worse.

At a bare minimum, I would ask for counseling to work on communication. You don’t deserve to be humiliated at every turn and you really don’t want your kids growing up with this dynamic. It won’t be long before they’re talking to you in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

Does he berate you in front of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

Yes he is exactly the same when we don’t have guests

Examples are when we’ve had friends over who are couples (not a whole big party) and a big kitchen and terrace so cook while we hang out with them and chat

Well, clearly that's not a good method for you guys. But if he is always an ass...do you want to stay with him? you guys need couples therapy to work on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

And you want them to learn this is how they should treat their spouse? This is what they deserve to be treated like? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has got so into the habit of this that I’ve started to avoid having guests over. It’s not actual screaming but I would describe it as trolling or the type of personal bickering that happens but typically not in front of other people. Example:
Me: would you be ok to cook the zucchini while i give the kids their pizza?
Him (visibly irritated) I’m just about to do xyz. Why do you always find the exact time I’m right in the middle of something to ask me to do something else. It’s like you have a radar for when I’m either doing something or relaxing for one second. Can you just chill and I’ll get to the zucchini when i get to the zucchini

Me: I’m going to put the chicken on the bbq
Him: the coals are too low now and the chicken will take ages and won’t cook properly and everyone will get sick. Why didn’t you put it on earlier? You always fail to understand how the bbq works and then try to live in bbq fantasy land and make things that are undercooked or overcooked

I can tell it makes people uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable but no matter how many times I tell him that it makes no impact. What is this? Poorly controlled adhd? Other?

Verbal abuse. It's verbal abuse. How are things otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

Do you really think this is the issue? He will find something else.

Op, he's an ass. There's no changing it.