In-laws are broke, DH has offered to help

[Anonymous]

Once this starts it won't stop op.

NO WAY. NOPE! How will he ever say "no" to them now?

[Anonymous]

Op,
How old are your in laws? Are they in the same area as you all?

1. Immediately file for lowering the property taxes if they haven't already, my sister was able to reduce my parents property taxes from thousands to hundreds per year to low earnings.

2. Contact insurance to see what they can do to lower insurance premium per year, shop around, add to your current package if possible, you maybe save a few hundred here!

3. Move in with them if at all possible, add a new addition so you have more freedom. Save and buy a home when either price/interest rate is lower. Win-win

4. If you are not unable to move-in with them due to school or whatever, then set out to rent another bigger home with them for a year. Rent out their home if the #s look better, just try that out if at all possible.

5. Why do they not want to down size and start moving to a less expensive place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

I'm not PP who makes 725k, but I think you are really not very smart. You have no idea what PP can afford, because you don't know how many kids they have, whether there is college or grad school loans, whether PP's nuclear family has any health issues or kids with special needs who may need lifetime care, etc. What if PP has four or five kids, one with special needs in an expensive school, needs to save for college tuition, has undergrad and med school loans, etc.? In any event, better to be cheap than stupid.

+100

DP. We make a lot of money as well (although not quite that much!). And have a SN child that may never be able to live independently. I’m not really interested in raising able bodied adults out of poverty at the cost of my child not being able to clothe and feed themself when I’m gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By paying their mortgage so they do not have to move out of their home and into a cheaper apartment.

It is a decent chunk of our monthly expenses, but doable. However, it sets us up to not save for a down payment on our own home (we are renting) and college savings for our DC.

There are more details to share, but I am such a mix of negative emotions. Of course, it is his parents, and he has to help him if that is the right thing to do. But I am feeling selfish about the whole thing-- more so that we have to take on the burden of his parents not managing their money. The whole thing is really just sad on so many levels.

A failure to plan is a plan to fail. Is this temporary or permanent? And is DH being placed on the deed to the condo? If temporary, sure, fine, help out a bit. Permanently, no way! I'd be having my spouse talk to his parents about options like selling the condo and either renting or buying something smaller, getting assistance for the new housing payment from local or state government, or, selling and using the funds for a down-payment for a house for your family and them to live in together (inlaw suite).

Otherwise, it's like a faucet - it just stays on dripping money to them. We were once in a similar situation, giving money to SIL, and we talked about it, set a dollar limit (wouldn't give her more than $10k TOTAL), and after that, the tap was turned off. SIL figured it out (went to mom and dad), who could afford to support her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

On that hi you should give her more. Why so cheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

I'm not PP who makes 725k, but I think you are really not very smart. You have no idea what PP can afford, because you don't know how many kids they have, whether there is college or grad school loans, whether PP's nuclear family has any health issues or kids with special needs who may need lifetime care, etc. What if PP has four or five kids, one with special needs in an expensive school, needs to save for college tuition, has undergrad and med school loans, etc.? In any event, better to be cheap than stupid.

+100

DP. We make a lot of money as well (although not quite that much!). And have a SN child that may never be able to live independently. I’m not really interested in raising able bodied adults out of poverty at the cost of my child not being able to clothe and feed themself when I’m gone.

I also have supported ILs at the expense of my SN's DD's future. It's a bottomless pit and the moment you say no more, everyone badmouths you and calls you selfish. Nevermind you have to support your child for the rest of their life. I would make a case for downsizing the parents into a two bedroom, 1 story condo as a proactive solution to their financial and aging needs.

[Anonymous]

Have DH sit down with them and come to an agreement that any money he uses to pay the mortgage he gets back upon the sale of the house. Only make direct payments to the mortgage company, not to your ILs. If they can't agree to this then it's no possible to exhaust your family's resources. Downsizing is the next option, as is putting ILs on a budget/money diet.

[Anonymous]

How many years left on their mortgage and did he do the math on whether it’s down to an amount that can be paid off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

Could be her husband’s money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but some commiseration.

My inlaws have made terrible financial decisions. FIL owns his own business which tanked during covid (now recovering), and DH was helping out with the business quite a bit, unpaid. I told him, I dont care if you are helping, thats fine, but if you ever give them money without talking to me, that is financial infidelity. My BIL is married to a big law partner and they make prob 3x what we make. He started "contributing" to their finances, and I think his wife snapped him out of it. They live in a 5 bedroom house as empty nesters. They cant use the stairs, so we installed a chair lift for them. They can't go down to the basement. But they WILL NOT sell the house and downsize. They keep saying how they owe a double mortgage on the house, but their mortgage is much less than what the house would be valued for. I dont understand why they would rather keep paying this off piece meal with interest, rather than selling and buying a small apartment. I think MIL and FIL actually hate each other so that's probably one reason lol. They like having a big house so they can just stay separate.
Anyways. That's not even as bad as your situation, as we do own our own home. But you need to have a come to jesus talk with him asap. Otherwise it will end up snowballing and soon he will bank roll their entire life.

I guess I'm not done ranting about my inlaws lol. I also just remembered that while DH was helping the business, he ended up paying off several credit cards because they had so much debt. As soon as FIL took over again, within 6 mons they were maxed again. He's almost 80, and I think his thought process is literally "rack it up and die" so he will never pay it off.

They need to put their house and any other properties in a trust and get it out of the estate asap. The estate will use assets to pay off the debts

[Anonymous]

My in-laws had no money to pay to move out of their place and into a new one when their landlord sold, so we gave them 5k. They ended up in that position because they could not pay their mortgage, so they sold and rented instead of buying. My warning would be that them moving out of their home now will mean either renting or buying a smaller place that might only be marginally cheaper due to interest rates. The rent scenario is the worst one of all. My in-laws had to move three times since, pay more and more each time...Total nightmare and I am dreading the day they ask for more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws had no money to pay to move out of their place and into a new one when their landlord sold, so we gave them 5k. They ended up in that position because they could not pay their mortgage, so they sold and rented instead of buying. My warning would be that them moving out of their home now will mean either renting or buying a smaller place that might only be marginally cheaper due to interest rates. The rent scenario is the worst one of all. My in-laws had to move three times since, pay more and more each time...Total nightmare and I am dreading the day they ask for more money.

That can be fixed by telling the in-laws clearly that they need to rent something cheap, because you're not giving them another cent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws had no money to pay to move out of their place and into a new one when their landlord sold, so we gave them 5k. They ended up in that position because they could not pay their mortgage, so they sold and rented instead of buying. My warning would be that them moving out of their home now will mean either renting or buying a smaller place that might only be marginally cheaper due to interest rates. The rent scenario is the worst one of all. My in-laws had to move three times since, pay more and more each time...Total nightmare and I am dreading the day they ask for more money.

I think this will continue to be a problem because people are living longer and retiring at in mid 50s and mid 60s.

Work or work PT if you don't have the funds to support you in retirement. Why cant your in-laws work at a grocery store? Get discounts on food too.

My grandfather who worked his entire life and died wealthy died basically until he died. He went PT, but he saw how he and his wife had to support his dad and her mom because they lived into their 90s and didnt have any money left. He refused to do that to his kids. His wife, still alive into her 90s and still has money and no kid has to help her financially. Unfortunately, my mom has turned caretaker which imo can be worse.

If they can tell them to work PT, also look into low-income senior housing. Many places have it now since real estate is soaring.

[Anonymous]

PP he worked basically until he died*

[Anonymous]

This would be a marital dealbreaker for me. I’m not giving up my financial future for my inlaws or my own parents. Downsizing is not a reason to subsidize them. Now, keeping them from being homeless — that I would support. But that doesn’t sound like what is happening.

It is totally fair for you to push back on this.

Yep. OP, were I you I would seriously consider divorce over this. His agreeing to do this without consulting you is just an enormously disrespectful marital act---but it tells you exactly where you and the kids stand with him. With divorce, you would then have the legal right to force your DH to prioritize supporting his own family. I would also lay into my in-laws without compunction about their financial fecklessness.