In-laws are broke, DH has offered to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a marital dealbreaker for me. I’m not giving up my financial future for my inlaws or my own parents. Downsizing is not a reason to subsidize them. Now, keeping them from being homeless — that I would support. But that doesn’t sound like what is happening.

It is totally fair for you to push back on this.

This. We'd need to find another way to help or it'd be over. I'm not sacrificing my financial future/security and my kids' college savings b/c they couldn't manage their own money and want to keep the status quo for them.

[Anonymous]

I don't know of anyone in my friend circle who would be so stupid as to do what your husband is doing, OP.

Surely you can hammer some sense into him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws had no money to pay to move out of their place and into a new one when their landlord sold, so we gave them 5k. They ended up in that position because they could not pay their mortgage, so they sold and rented instead of buying. My warning would be that them moving out of their home now will mean either renting or buying a smaller place that might only be marginally cheaper due to interest rates. The rent scenario is the worst one of all. My in-laws had to move three times since, pay more and more each time...Total nightmare and I am dreading the day they ask for more money.

I think this will continue to be a problem because people are living longer and retiring at in mid 50s and mid 60s.

Work or work PT if you don't have the funds to support you in retirement. Why cant your in-laws work at a grocery store? Get discounts on food too.

My grandfather who worked his entire life and died wealthy died basically until he died. He went PT, but he saw how he and his wife had to support his dad and her mom because they lived into their 90s and didnt have any money left. He refused to do that to his kids. His wife, still alive into her 90s and still has money and no kid has to help her financially. Unfortunately, my mom has turned caretaker which imo can be worse.

If they can tell them to work PT, also look into low-income senior housing. Many places have it now since real estate is soaring.

My in-laws are relatively young (70 and 72). They both work, mil has always worked pt and fil still freelances. They are just terrible with money and have high expenses. Had they bought something small after they sold their house they would be in a much better position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws had no money to pay to move out of their place and into a new one when their landlord sold, so we gave them 5k. They ended up in that position because they could not pay their mortgage, so they sold and rented instead of buying. My warning would be that them moving out of their home now will mean either renting or buying a smaller place that might only be marginally cheaper due to interest rates. The rent scenario is the worst one of all. My in-laws had to move three times since, pay more and more each time...Total nightmare and I am dreading the day they ask for more money.

That can be fixed by telling the in-laws clearly that they need to rent something cheap, because you're not giving them another cent.

Sadly they are in South Florida and there is nothing cheap. They are in a one bedroom now. Huge crisis there with rental costs. We have told them many times over the past 15 years to buy, to look further up the coast and they refuse.

[Anonymous]

The only way I would consider this is if they are not terribly far from paying off the condo, in which case, it might be the cheaper option in the long run. Listen to the PP who details the perils of selling a home and ending up as a renter. That said, I would need some firm agreements with my husband about the limits of all this and the expectations on his parents (get a part time job, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws had no money to pay to move out of their place and into a new one when their landlord sold, so we gave them 5k. They ended up in that position because they could not pay their mortgage, so they sold and rented instead of buying. My warning would be that them moving out of their home now will mean either renting or buying a smaller place that might only be marginally cheaper due to interest rates. The rent scenario is the worst one of all. My in-laws had to move three times since, pay more and more each time...Total nightmare and I am dreading the day they ask for more money.

That can be fixed by telling the in-laws clearly that they need to rent something cheap, because you're not giving them another cent.

Sadly they are in South Florida and there is nothing cheap. They are in a one bedroom now. Huge crisis there with rental costs. We have told them many times over the past 15 years to buy, to look further up the coast and they refuse.

Then if they were my in-laws, I would threaten divorce before helping them. My goal is to build wealth for future generations. I'm not about to squander that on morons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way I would consider this is if they are not terribly far from paying off the condo, in which case, it might be the cheaper option in the long run. Listen to the PP who details the perils of selling a home and ending up as a renter. That said, I would need some firm agreements with my husband about the limits of all this and the expectations on his parents (get a part time job, etc)

You know the agreements will never be respected, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were in the same situation and my parents sold their house and rented for a year. They could not handle maintenance on the house or the mortgage.

At the time, we had just bought our home. A year later, we bought a house (our second home) for them.

I didn’t read the replies. What is your HHI?

I know not everyone can buy a home for the parents but it ended up being a good investment. The house is worth almost double what we paid for it and it is our house, not theirs so it isn’t a total loss of money.

I would not be against helping the parents but not at the expense of your own family. We are children of immigrants and it isn’t uncommon for the grandparents to come live with the children.

I’ve been in this situation with both my siblings and parents and I’m sick of it. I can’t be the go to bank bc everyone else failed to
Plan/refused to downsize.


The in laws need to sell their 3 bedroom condo and buy a one bedroom condo or studio. The end

If there is not enough equity in their home and selling is not financially making sense, then they can look into a reverse mortgage to stay in their home.


They can also rent one of the bedrooms or figure out a side hustle.

[Anonymous]

OP, just chiming in as another person with in-laws whose expensive lifestyle and tastes don’t match their means.

I’m extremely grateful that my husband has been clear with them (and with his siblings) that we won’t be the financial backstop.

(Astonishing amounts of money have flowed through their hands, and they continue to make housing decisions that are wildly irresponsible, while ignoring our advice - which they ask for - about how to get to a better place.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just chiming in as another person with in-laws whose expensive lifestyle and tastes don’t match their means.

I’m extremely grateful that my husband has been clear with them (and with his siblings) that we won’t be the financial backstop.

(Astonishing amounts of money have flowed through their hands, and they continue to make housing decisions that are wildly irresponsible, while ignoring our advice - which they ask for - about how to get to a better place.)

So how does this play out? Would love to know their ages along with their expensive tastes and estimated means. Wondering if we are in for this.

[Anonymous]

It must be a cultural thing. As an Asian male, I pay off my parents' mortgage and set aside half of my net worth, $500K, in a separate account for them before getting married. I earn $500K per year, and my DW makes $100K. If she were to tell me that I am not allowed to help my parents, that would not sit well with me. I wouldn't be where I am today without my parents.

Similarly, I treat my DH's parents exactly the same way I treat mine. If they need their mortgage paid off, I would be glad to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It must be a cultural thing. As an Asian male, I pay off my parents' mortgage and set aside half of my net worth, $500K, in a separate account for them before getting married. I earn $500K per year, and my DW makes $100K. If she were to tell me that I am not allowed to help my parents, that would not sit well with me. I wouldn't be where I am today without my parents.

Similarly, I treat my DH's parents exactly the same way I treat mine. If they need their mortgage paid off, I would be glad to do it.

That's your particular Asian culture and generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were in the same situation and my parents sold their house and rented for a year. They could not handle maintenance on the house or the mortgage.

At the time, we had just bought our home. A year later, we bought a house (our second home) for them.

I didn’t read the replies. What is your HHI?

I know not everyone can buy a home for the parents but it ended up being a good investment. The house is worth almost double what we paid for it and it is our house, not theirs so it isn’t a total loss of money.

I would not be against helping the parents but not at the expense of your own family. We are children of immigrants and it isn’t uncommon for the grandparents to come live with the children.

I’ve been in this situation with both my siblings and parents and I’m sick of it. I can’t be the go to bank bc everyone else failed to
Plan/refused to downsize.


The in laws need to sell their 3 bedroom condo and buy a one bedroom condo or studio. The end

If there is not enough equity in their home and selling is not financially making sense, then they can look into a reverse mortgage to stay in their home.


They can also rent one of the bedrooms or figure out a side hustle.

AirBNB one or both of the extra bedrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It must be a cultural thing. As an Asian male, I pay off my parents' mortgage and set aside half of my net worth, $500K, in a separate account for them before getting married. I earn $500K per year, and my DW makes $100K. If she were to tell me that I am not allowed to help my parents, that would not sit well with me. I wouldn't be where I am today without my parents.

Similarly, I treat my DH's parents exactly the same way I treat mine. If they need their mortgage paid off, I would be glad to do it.

You're a troll. I don't know of any Asian who does this. I am Japanese. In my culture, respect for elders is paramount. But no one is setting aside half their fortunes for their parents. My father helped pay for his parents expenses at their nursing homes, I will help pay for my parents' expenses when they reach a certain level of dependence and if their funds are insufficient. This is reasonable, because it's hard to plan for inflation and rising costs of eldercare, for any generation. But normal living and housing expenses while they're still active? I know of NO Asian who does this, either of my parents' generation, or mine. I know Japanese, Korean, Malaysian and Indian families.

[Anonymous]

No way. How parents and your husband will bankrupt you and ensure that the cycle of poverty continues.