In-laws are broke, DH has offered to help

[Anonymous]

How old are they? How much is left on their mortgage? Do they work?

[Anonymous]

This is a delicate issue. I would say yes, but not indefinitely. Give them all time for the panic to die down and any immediate crises to abate. Then in a few months you can work on a long term plan that’s more sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Does dh have siblings? If so, are they contributing?

[Anonymous]

Is this temporary? Or will you be expected to pay their mortgage indefinitely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He's paying for THEIR house but not prioritizing HIS and YOUR home-ownership?!?

You need to die on this hill, OP. Nix the fatalism and sadness. You should be furious and tell him this is divorce-worthy.

Agree. This is a bad situation. You aren’t anywhere along your life path or savings goals to be paying other peoples mortgages.

Bad situation. His parents never should have asked or allowed this. He’s an idiot too .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By paying their mortgage so they do not have to move out of their home and into a cheaper apartment.

It is a decent chunk of our monthly expenses, but doable. However, it sets us up to not save for a down payment on our own home (we are renting) and college savings for our DC.

There are more details to share, but I am such a mix of negative emotions. Of course, it is his parents, and he has to help him if that is the right thing to do. But I am feeling selfish about the whole thing-- more so that we have to take on the burden of his parents not managing their money. The whole thing is really just sad on so many levels.

It's not the right thing to do. If they can't afford their apartment, they need to find a cheaper apartment. You shouldn't be wrecking your finances just because they don't want to move.

[Anonymous]

Is this a cultural expectation, OP? Is your DH an only child?

[Anonymous]

Downsizing is a common thing at retirement, whether for financial or space or other reasons. There isn't anything wrong with insisting on this. They should sell and move into something they can afford.

[Anonymous]

Are you Asian?

My Asian parents would never dream of asking us to do this for them. They'd move out first. But, I think they are not the norm for Asian parents. They have never expected anything from us, but I do help them out financially. But, I know that some Asian families do expect the son to bend over backwards for the parents.

Your DH does not respect you, and his parents come before you. Big red flag.

[Anonymous]

This is sooo ridiculous I almost think OP is a troll. "A cheaper apartment"?? Of course that is what they do.

[Anonymous]

There was a time I was on track for a much more lucrative career and my parents seemed to be banking on me as their safety net. Thankfully my parents are not dangerously irresponsible. It’s more that they are Pollyanna / head in the sand about the purchasing power of their pensions and social security and how long they may live. I also have my own spouse, children, mortgage now and have mommy-tracked my job. We’re comfortable, but not “pay for 2 extra adults without giving up college and retirement savings” comfortable.

I sat them down and had a tough conversation with them. I gave them a list of fee only financial planners and paid for a series of meetings to make a plan when they were getting ready to retire. The conversation I had with them made clear that I will make sure they have a safe place to live, food to eat, and all prescribed medications. It may be an apartment and Aldi groceries - this is important because my mom likes “nice things” and they like to go out to eat a lot and attend a lot of performing arts events - plays, concerts, etc. I don’t care if they want to go to 10 events a year at the Kennedy Center, but I want them to know I will not be funding their current / preferred lifestyle if they run out of money. The conversation went well and I think it was a wake up call. They live within their means and don’t have debt, but they are now being mindful of thinking through how they will age in place or move when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By paying their mortgage so they do not have to move out of their home and into a cheaper apartment.

It is a decent chunk of our monthly expenses, but doable. However, it sets us up to not save for a down payment on our own home (we are renting) and college savings for our DC.

There are more details to share, but I am such a mix of negative emotions. Of course, it is his parents, and he has to help him if that is the right thing to do. But I am feeling selfish about the whole thing-- more so that we have to take on the burden of his parents not managing their money. The whole thing is really just sad on so many levels.

No. You don't own a home? No. The in-laws can sell their home and move into an apartment or do a reverse mortgage. I would think selling would be better. They don't need a house. I can understand your husband paying for it while all of this is done (a couple months MAX), but after that, no. You don't want to end up in the same financial situation as his parents.

Can they get jobs? They should go work at a grocery store or find some kind of PT employment. They don't need to live in an actual house, an apartment is fine. Then they will have money to save in case they need to move into assisted living (your DH should help so they dont spend all their money).

Talk to your husband. It was not ok for him to tell his parents this without speaking with you first. If he isn't on board I would talk to a counselor then a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

If there is an option for them to downsize and afford their lifestyle that should be the number one option. You should not sacrifice your goals for home ownership so that they can live a certain lifestyle. If you do end up giving them money it should be documented as a loan so that you can get the money back from the estate some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not unless you get ownership of their home.

This has winning potential. You pay mortgage. You pay for maintenance.

You also take DH over the coals for offering financial help without your permission. That’s a HUGE boundary violation. Work on that, but if you love him, don’t overlook whatever plan is best for your family. You buy the house. You move into the house and move them into the apartment. (Only if you genuinely like the house.) That will get them cash and help them downsize. If the house doesn’t work for you, look for other solutions. ****IF DH is contrite.*** My DH consults me whenever he spends over a few hundred. Your DH overstepped by a mile. If he disagrees, show him the thread. It’s almost unanimous.