In-laws are broke, DH has offered to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but some commiseration.

My inlaws have made terrible financial decisions. FIL owns his own business which tanked during covid (now recovering), and DH was helping out with the business quite a bit, unpaid. I told him, I dont care if you are helping, thats fine, but if you ever give them money without talking to me, that is financial infidelity. My BIL is married to a big law partner and they make prob 3x what we make. He started "contributing" to their finances, and I think his wife snapped him out of it. They live in a 5 bedroom house as empty nesters. They cant use the stairs, so we installed a chair lift for them. They can't go down to the basement. But they WILL NOT sell the house and downsize. They keep saying how they owe a double mortgage on the house, but their mortgage is much less than what the house would be valued for. I dont understand why they would rather keep paying this off piece meal with interest, rather than selling and buying a small apartment. I think MIL and FIL actually hate each other so that's probably one reason lol. They like having a big house so they can just stay separate.
Anyways. That's not even as bad as your situation, as we do own our own home. But you need to have a come to jesus talk with him asap. Otherwise it will end up snowballing and soon he will bank roll their entire life.

I guess I'm not done ranting about my inlaws lol. I also just remembered that while DH was helping the business, he ended up paying off several credit cards because they had so much debt. As soon as FIL took over again, within 6 mons they were maxed again. He's almost 80, and I think his thought process is literally "rack it up and die" so he will never pay it off.

[Anonymous]

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

I'm not PP who makes 725k, but I think you are really not very smart. You have no idea what PP can afford, because you don't know how many kids they have, whether there is college or grad school loans, whether PP's nuclear family has any health issues or kids with special needs who may need lifetime care, etc. What if PP has four or five kids, one with special needs in an expensive school, needs to save for college tuition, has undergrad and med school loans, etc.? In any event, better to be cheap than stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sooo ridiculous I almost think OP is a troll. "A cheaper apartment"?? Of course that is what they do.

OP here, I am not a troll.

They are mid-70s, retired ( MIL never worked/SAHM), living in a 3 bed condo in a smaller city/low cost of living.

FIL had a big job but gave away a lot of his $$ to DH’s sister to help with her child with special needs.

My DH is on a path to continue earning good money. I won’t go into why we are renting, but it has to do with moving from NYC (renters) to another city, and we do not have enough money saved up for a down payment.

In-laws first asked us to buy their condo, and thankfully(?) DH said no.

Thank you for all of your input.

[Anonymous]

We have had to support my in laws throughout my marriage. It sucks but I’d rather they not be homeless. That said renting an apartment vs continuing with the facade of owning a home is not becoming homeless. The thing that your husband likely doesn’t get is the house is already gone. If they can’t afford it without someone else paying their bills for any reason other than a true temporary blip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have separated finances over these issues. My kids' college savings are more important than my in-law's expenses, some of which included golfing and vacations to see DH's other siblings. Now, we have to account for things in a way that I dislike, but it was the only way to stop the bleeding. DH pays his share of our household expenses and then does what he does with what's leftover. It means he's been under-saving for his retirement, but at least I'm not under-saving, and my kids have money for college.

It would be wise to divorce, in that case. You can continue to live together as before, and when it's time to qualify for senior care, he can get it without costing you too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. If you don't even own your own house yet, that's ludicrous. I think it's the wrong thing to do and think it was gutsy of them to even ask. They are actually putting home ownership further out of reach from their grandchild when they had their whole lives to save for retirement.

How much is left on their mortgage? Are they still working? Can they move to a cheaper home?

Well now we know why. They make terrible financial decisions.

[Anonymous]

Heck no not at the expense of your kids’ college and your retirement. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have separated finances over these issues. My kids' college savings are more important than my in-law's expenses, some of which included golfing and vacations to see DH's other siblings. Now, we have to account for things in a way that I dislike, but it was the only way to stop the bleeding. DH pays his share of our household expenses and then does what he does with what's leftover. It means he's been under-saving for his retirement, but at least I'm not under-saving, and my kids have money for college.

It would be wise to divorce, in that case. You can continue to live together as before, and when it's time to qualify for senior care, he can get it without costing you too much.

I know, and there was I time when I seriously considered divorce and just living together. If we were in a tighter financial situation than we are now, that's what I'd do. As it stands, unlike OP, we have a significant amount of home equity that can be directed toward senior care someday, and I nipped this issue early in our marriage, but I've had to go to extraordinary means, like he doesn't have access to the kids' 529 plans (another relative who I trust, not him, is the successor owner if I die as I legitimately worry he'd deplete their 529 plans to give money to other family members), I have separate investment accounts that he can't access (including retirement account, which he obviously gets if I die), and a brokerage account that is in a trust, and behind the scenes, I run credit checks, and we file taxes separately now. Our family situation and financial priorities are just really off, and it's by far the biggest challenge in our marriage. I hope OP can find a better solution, but at least in my solution, we do have a nice family home with a lot of equity, and I have healthy balances in my 401k, brokerage and the kids' 529 plans.

[Anonymous]

OMG no.

If he can’t grow a backbone and set a normal healthy boundary, then divorce. Yikes.

Do they qualify for social security? If the ILs like to play the guilt game, have your DH run a free social security calculator with what he knows of their info. That should cure the guilt trip hangover enough.

[Anonymous]

I make sure I pay off my parents mortgage and give them 300K in cash before I even think about getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make sure I pay off my parents mortgage and give them 300K in cash before I even think about getting married.

Then I’d be single forever.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I've been in your situation.

The condo payment may be about the same amount of money as rent. Hard to say. There are senior housing rentals where rent is a lot cheaper.

Understand in laws could live another 25 years. How do inlaws plan to support themselves for the next 25 years?

Are your inlaws working jobs? Any kind of jobs?
I'm more inclined to help those that are trying.

I live in Florida and there are a lot of seniors working jobs in their 70s and 80s.

A lot of seniors work grocery store checker and bagger jobs, other retail jobs, restaurant hostess jobs, and for the senior men the auto parts store like to hire the older guys to do parts deliveries. The older guys drive company cars around delivering parts to the mechanics around town. Napa, Auto zone, and I think there are several others are always hiring for these jobs.

A lot of seniors work in adult caregiving jobs. I have two women in there 70's who are working for Mom who is 88.

Help out for several months so that the condo is not repossessed but husband needs to drill down on what there financial situation is. What is their debt and where are the monies going?

Do they live in Florida? I think the 1/2 of a mobile home communities provide the cheapest living in the US other than the senior apartments.

[Anonymous]

We were in the same situation and my parents sold their house and rented for a year. They could not handle maintenance on the house or the mortgage.

At the time, we had just bought our home. A year later, we bought a house (our second home) for them.

I didn’t read the replies. What is your HHI?

I know not everyone can buy a home for the parents but it ended up being a good investment. The house is worth almost double what we paid for it and it is our house, not theirs so it isn’t a total loss of money.

I would not be against helping the parents but not at the expense of your own family. We are children of immigrants and it isn’t uncommon for the grandparents to come live with the children.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. We used the proceeds from their house to down pay a second house. It was kind of like our own reverse mortgage. It has been a decade and now we pay for all the bills, had to make the house handicap accessible and now we also have to pay for help for my dad. If we didn’t do this, my parents would probably be homeless or dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Fight for yourself and your kids. No one else is going to do it.

People who don't fight in life get the short end of the stick.

+1. DH should have consulted you and he didn’t. So now you know where he stands. This won’t get better without drawing a line.