What is it with people given childless couples unsolicited fertility advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are telling people you don't have kids because you can't afford them at these ages, maybe they're trying to wake you up to the fact that it could get really expensive. My husband and I are 38 and 40 and have sunk $50k into it, no kid. Using finances is not a great explanation at your age sorry.

Congrats on having 50K to spend. The majority of people can't do that. We wouldn't have a housing crisis if spending that kind of money was on the table for most people. Most people who can't conceive naturally just remain childless, which is also a viable lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are telling people you don't have kids because you can't afford them at these ages, maybe they're trying to wake you up to the fact that it could get really expensive. My husband and I are 38 and 40 and have sunk $50k into it, no kid. Using finances is not a great explanation at your age sorry.

Congrats on having 50K to spend. The majority of people can't do that. We wouldn't have a housing crisis if spending that kind of money was on the table for most people. Most people who can't conceive naturally just remain childless, which is also a viable lifestyle.

Lol 50k doesn’t get you far on housing. You are telling people you can’t afford kids at 36, just change the subject or say you don’t want them because you are coming off as very naive

[Anonymous]

I bet all the people saying that money is a bad excuse to not have children are the first ones pointing fingers at single moms on welfare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

PP. It doesn’t seem like you’re aware at all, hence your obstinacy in the face of valid advice.

People, even my closest friends, give me advice I don’t want to hear all the time: I won’t do IVF because it goes against my religious beliefs. It’s okay, they’re giving me practical advice and I am simply choosing not to take it. If you’re so secure in your decision, it’s as easy as literally not taking their advice and it wouldn’t really shake you the way it’s doing right now.

You can’t let people being what they perceive to be polite and helpful as adversarial and negative. Well you can, but it’s only going to make you miserable and irritated.

Not OP, but why is it so hard to imagine a woman who is genuinely ok with the idea that that she might never conceive? People take all kinds of risks all the time and no one questions their choices. This kind of denial or the adviser's side seem to almost exclusively occur with advice related to marriage and children. It's almost like the people giving the advice are projecting their own desires and can't accept when someone doesn't share those desires to the same extent.

For the record, I'm a mom of three kids I always knew I wanted, and like OP, I constantly got unsolicited advice on children when I already had a plan which worked as intended. I found it irritating because my womb in none of your f**king business. I'm not really sure why this is so hard to understand for some people.

My point has always been stop taking people giving you advice so personal!!! Everything is not about you or judging your choices, people just do it because that’s what everybody does. They’re doing it in this thread, because that’s literally what people do. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. Nobody is forcing you to take anyone’s advice or even participate in the conversation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are seeing--both IRL and this thread--is people calling bull on your "financial" reasons. To be clear... if you are ambivalent about having kids, and see yourself being 100% okay without, then that's fine, and maybe you should reframe your responses to reflect that. You keep saying "you know" but if you do, then you just saying you "get it" might be an issue is weak sauce.

The people irl who ask about my fertility don't know how much we earn and I don't tell them either. The conversation jumps straight from my age/marriage to comments about my fertility and I just tell them that we won't have kids at the moment and ask them to change the subject. I want kids, but I only want them if we're economically comfortable. I feel comfortable right now, but I know I won't be if we're living on less than a 60K a year, which is what will happen if one of us has to quit their job or pay daycare. Plenty of people do it. I don't want to be one of them because we already went through it without have children. I'm not quite sure where's the bullshit. If that makes me ambivalent, then yes, I'm ambivalent. That still doesn't explain why people feel so comfortable giving me advice or questioning my choices. I don't think anybody would love it if childless people started questioning your reasons for having kids or making any decision rthat they disagree with.

You want kids and you're married and 36 and magically waiting for an income increase? This is why people are giving you this advice 100%

Also, I am hoping you mean 60k after taxes or live in a cheaper area than DC because that literally makes no sense if you both work.

I literally said that the people giving me advice in real life don't know how much money we make, and that less than 60K is how much we would make if one of us has to quit their job. Do you even read?

Umm yes I am totally shocked that between the two of you in your mid 30s in DC that neither of you make more than $60k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are telling people you don't have kids because you can't afford them at these ages, maybe they're trying to wake you up to the fact that it could get really expensive. My husband and I are 38 and 40 and have sunk $50k into it, no kid. Using finances is not a great explanation at your age sorry.

Congrats on having 50K to spend. The majority of people can't do that. We wouldn't have a housing crisis if spending that kind of money was on the table for most people. Most people who can't conceive naturally just remain childless, which is also a viable lifestyle.

Lol 50k doesn’t get you far on housing. You are telling people you can’t afford kids at 36, just change the subject or say you don’t want them because you are coming off as very naive

In what kind of bubble are you living in? 50K is easily a down payment for an apartment, or almost 3 years of rent in any area that's not crazy expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are seeing--both IRL and this thread--is people calling bull on your "financial" reasons. To be clear... if you are ambivalent about having kids, and see yourself being 100% okay without, then that's fine, and maybe you should reframe your responses to reflect that. You keep saying "you know" but if you do, then you just saying you "get it" might be an issue is weak sauce.

The people irl who ask about my fertility don't know how much we earn and I don't tell them either. The conversation jumps straight from my age/marriage to comments about my fertility and I just tell them that we won't have kids at the moment and ask them to change the subject. I want kids, but I only want them if we're economically comfortable. I feel comfortable right now, but I know I won't be if we're living on less than a 60K a year, which is what will happen if one of us has to quit their job or pay daycare. Plenty of people do it. I don't want to be one of them because we already went through it without have children. I'm not quite sure where's the bullshit. If that makes me ambivalent, then yes, I'm ambivalent. That still doesn't explain why people feel so comfortable giving me advice or questioning my choices. I don't think anybody would love it if childless people started questioning your reasons for having kids or making any decision rthat they disagree with.

You want kids and you're married and 36 and magically waiting for an income increase? This is why people are giving you this advice 100%

Also, I am hoping you mean 60k after taxes or live in a cheaper area than DC because that literally makes no sense if you both work.

I literally said that the people giving me advice in real life don't know how much money we make, and that less than 60K is how much we would make if one of us has to quit their job. Do you even read?

Umm yes I am totally shocked that between the two of you in your mid 30s in DC that neither of you make more than $60k.

We don't live in DC and as a previous poster mentioned the median salary for someone in their 30s is less than that. DCUM is far from being representative of the average person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are telling people you don't have kids because you can't afford them at these ages, maybe they're trying to wake you up to the fact that it could get really expensive. My husband and I are 38 and 40 and have sunk $50k into it, no kid. Using finances is not a great explanation at your age sorry.

Congrats on having 50K to spend. The majority of people can't do that. We wouldn't have a housing crisis if spending that kind of money was on the table for most people. Most people who can't conceive naturally just remain childless, which is also a viable lifestyle.

Lol 50k doesn’t get you far on housing. You are telling people you can’t afford kids at 36, just change the subject or say you don’t want them because you are coming off as very naive

In what kind of bubble are you living in? 50K is easily a down payment for an apartment, or almost 3 years of rent in any area that's not crazy expensive.

This person is a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet all the people saying that money is a bad excuse to not have children are the first ones pointing fingers at single moms on welfare.

The bottom line is that too many people are bored, judgmental a--holes.

Single moms on welfare shouldn't have had kids. Wealthy single women shouldn't become single moms by choice. Couples who are ambivalent about kids should have them now or they'll regret it. Couples who are having problems in their relationship shouldn't have kids.

In DCUM land, you shouldn't start dating too young, but you if you start dating too late you're weird, and you shouldn't marry the first person you date, but you shouldn't date too many people, and you should marry within an acceptable five year range, three to five years older for men, and you shouldn't have kids immediately, but you shouldn't wait too long to start trying, one child is unfair to the kid, more than three is crazy, if your acceptable two or three are all boys or all goods that's sad, if there's more than a three year age gap between any of them that's too much, but too close together is gross...
Anything I've missed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are seeing--both IRL and this thread--is people calling bull on your "financial" reasons. To be clear... if you are ambivalent about having kids, and see yourself being 100% okay without, then that's fine, and maybe you should reframe your responses to reflect that. You keep saying "you know" but if you do, then you just saying you "get it" might be an issue is weak sauce.

The people irl who ask about my fertility don't know how much we earn and I don't tell them either. The conversation jumps straight from my age/marriage to comments about my fertility and I just tell them that we won't have kids at the moment and ask them to change the subject. I want kids, but I only want them if we're economically comfortable. I feel comfortable right now, but I know I won't be if we're living on less than a 60K a year, which is what will happen if one of us has to quit their job or pay daycare. Plenty of people do it. I don't want to be one of them because we already went through it without have children. I'm not quite sure where's the bullshit. If that makes me ambivalent, then yes, I'm ambivalent. That still doesn't explain why people feel so comfortable giving me advice or questioning my choices. I don't think anybody would love it if childless people started questioning your reasons for having kids or making any decision rthat they disagree with.

You want kids and you're married and 36 and magically waiting for an income increase? This is why people are giving you this advice 100%

Also, I am hoping you mean 60k after taxes or live in a cheaper area than DC because that literally makes no sense if you both work.

I literally said that the people giving me advice in real life don't know how much money we make, and that less than 60K is how much we would make if one of us has to quit their job. Do you even read?

Umm yes I am totally shocked that between the two of you in your mid 30s in DC that neither of you make more than $60k.

We don't live in DC and as a previous poster mentioned the median salary for someone in their 30s is less than that. DCUM is far from being representative of the average person.

If you’re making this low of a salary all the more reason to have kids now since you say you want them and don’t have 23k per IVF cycle or tell people you don’t want kids or don’t start a thread asking why people tell you about infertility when you’re married and 36 and claim to not be financially secure enough to have them.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do don’t mention finances. Then you get to hear all the stories PP. Just say we are happy as we are and move on. Grey rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

Where does the OP say that she tells these acquaintances that she wants children? She mentioned that they bring the topic when she mentions her age and that she is childless. You are the ones who are either naive, lack basic reading comprehension skills and don't understand that someone might want two things but prioritize one over another.

[Anonymous]

People relate to problems by giving advice unfortunately. I think it's a bit pervasive in our society. I have a chronic illness and one of the top complaints in the chronic illness community is people giving unsolicited advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

So true! Great post.