What is it with people given childless couples unsolicited fertility advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

If the two of you actually create embryos, as opposed to just freezing your eggs, then you will have no problem getting pregnant when you’re older. You can carry the child yourself or use a surrogate. Many women choose to do this if they are not ready for kids. Most iVF doctors help you with the frozen embryos as late as 55 years old. This just give you some time to figure out things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they wanted kids, were infertile and really would have liked to have kids. Have some empathy.

eh??? where did you get the idea that people bothering OP are infertile? DId I miss something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

If the two of you actually create embryos, as opposed to just freezing your eggs, then you will have no problem getting pregnant when you’re older. You can carry the child yourself or use a surrogate. Many women choose to do this if they are not ready for kids. Most iVF doctors help you with the frozen embryos as late as 55 years old. This just give you some time to figure out things.

Didn't OP said that money was the issue? If you can't comfortably provide a child then you won't be able to pay for embryo freezing or a surrogate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're right, you're wrong. Are they rude to say so? Maybe in the moment, sure. It's because we all know what utter despair awaits certain mothers who desperately want children and cannot have them (mothers, because they have miscarriages).

Unless you're homeless, you can always have kids. I have my first in grad school at 25 while our HHI was 60K. We could barely afford daycare, and were extremely frugal in every part of our lives. We cooked from scratch food we bought on sake, never ate out or purchased entertainment, and stayed in a crappy one-bedroom for 10 years saving for a downpayment on a house. We had two kids in that one bedroom.

Now we're wealthy, and I have secondary infertility due to an autoimmune disease. I am so thankful I had my children young!

I know you don't want to hear this, OP, but they're right. They can be both right and rude. And frankly, you need to grow up and deal with the remarks, as well as your own life choices.

I'm satisfied with my life choices and accept that children might not be in my horizon. I'm just pissed how people who don't know me well give me advice on such a personal topic. Would you like it if relative strangers who don't know anything about your sex life started giving you advice on safe sex or your yeast infection?

Ha ha! PP you replied to. I hardly ever take offense, OP, but that would be a hilarious conversation. If you're happy with your life and don't actually care about having children, then you should say so to shut them up. Seems your mistake was to express ambivalence. "Thanks but we're not planning on having kids". My cousin had her first at 36 after 10 years of telling everyone she did not want kids. She's clever, and just wanted some privacy while she figured her life out. She had one miscarriage, then a healthy baby girl. So you can always go that route if you want!

I just tell them that I don't want to discuss the topic. I said that in one of my posts. The people generally don't ask about my plans to have children, which I have no problem replying to. People just learn my age and start telling me about how I should do and have children because fertility. I tll them nicely that it's none of their business.

OK? Who cares? People ask all kinds of personal questions to many different types of people. “That’s not something I’m comfortable with discussing” usually does the trick.

Most people are able to move on without crowd sourcing amongst internet randos to second guess the motivations of people making comments. Some people are just more comfortable to give unsolicited advice than you are. Cut them out of your life if it’s too hard to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Wait til you have the baby then the unsolicited baby advice kicks in

[Anonymous]

I'm in the not have kids unless you can comfortably provide for them camp. I've no idea how OP's situation will look like, but if she's the type that plans ahead and doesn't like how the situation is looking, she's right in holding off on children until she increases her income even if that means that she will run out of time. Many stories here of people who "just made it work", but not enough stories of people who didn't and were then having difficulties putting food on their plates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait til you have the baby then the unsolicited baby advice kicks in

You should have a second one.
You shouldn't put him to sleep like that.
Why are you still working?
Just ask you MIL to take care of it.

Stupid people being stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

PP. It doesn’t seem like you’re aware at all, hence your obstinacy in the face of valid advice.

People, even my closest friends, give me advice I don’t want to hear all the time: I won’t do IVF because it goes against my religious beliefs. It’s okay, they’re giving me practical advice and I am simply choosing not to take it. If you’re so secure in your decision, it’s as easy as literally not taking their advice and it wouldn’t really shake you the way it’s doing right now.

You can’t let people being what they perceive to be polite and helpful as adversarial and negative. Well you can, but it’s only going to make you miserable and irritated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

If the two of you actually create embryos, as opposed to just freezing your eggs, then you will have no problem getting pregnant when you’re older. You can carry the child yourself or use a surrogate. Many women choose to do this if they are not ready for kids. Most iVF doctors help you with the frozen embryos as late as 55 years old. This just give you some time to figure out things.

Didn't OP said that money was the issue? If you can't comfortably provide a child then you won't be able to pay for embryo freezing or a surrogate.

Freezing her own embryos isn’t going to be as costly as one would imagine. The surrogate, if even needed, might be 15 years or more down the road. It will simply take the stress off of her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

You should screenshot this post of yours and then reread it when you are in your 40s and struggling with fertility, because you waited too long. Believe me all the fun things that are fulfilling to you right now aren’t going to be super fun once the redundancy kicks in. Your husband can simply marry a younger woman and have kids anytime in his life. Literally. And you can’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

Gotta love how the first page of comments is all people giving you unsolicited fertility advice.
People are unbelievably lacking in self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

PP. It doesn’t seem like you’re aware at all, hence your obstinacy in the face of valid advice.

People, even my closest friends, give me advice I don’t want to hear all the time: I won’t do IVF because it goes against my religious beliefs. It’s okay, they’re giving me practical advice and I am simply choosing not to take it. If you’re so secure in your decision, it’s as easy as literally not taking their advice and it wouldn’t really shake you the way it’s doing right now.

You can’t let people being what they perceive to be polite and helpful as adversarial and negative. Well you can, but it’s only going to make you miserable and irritated.

Not OP, but why is it so hard to imagine a woman who is genuinely ok with the idea that that she might never conceive? People take all kinds of risks all the time and no one questions their choices. This kind of denial or the adviser's side seem to almost exclusively occur with advice related to marriage and children. It's almost like the people giving the advice are projecting their own desires and can't accept when someone doesn't share those desires to the same extent.

For the record, I'm a mom of three kids I always knew I wanted, and like OP, I constantly got unsolicited advice on children when I already had a plan which worked as intended. I found it irritating because my womb in none of your f**king business. I'm not really sure why this is so hard to understand for some people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

You should screenshot this post of yours and then reread it when you are in your 40s and struggling with fertility, because you waited too long. Believe me all the fun things that are fulfilling to you right now aren’t going to be super fun once the redundancy kicks in. Your husband can simply marry a younger woman and have kids anytime in his life. Literally. And you can’t.

I was in OPs shoes and decided not to have kids. I'm in my fifties and glad that I didn't have any, not because I dislike kids, but I know that given my situation (slightly different from OP's) having children would have been a massive disaster. Seems like you're the one looking back and struggling with whatever decisions you made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

Gotta love how the first page of comments is all people giving you unsolicited fertility advice.
People are unbelievably lacking in self-awareness.

That and all the freeze your eggs/do IVF advice after the OP said she's struggling financial. These people lack both self-awareness and reading comprehension skills.

[Anonymous]

This thread is full of the unsolicited advice that OP is not asking for. And what's more, SHE KNOWS ALL OF THIS.

She knows how old she is. She knows what IVF costs. She knows about egg donation, surrogates, all of it. She knows that her husband can up and leave her and have kids with someone else. She has taken all of this knowledge, weighed it against her desire to have children, and decided on the risk that she's comfortable with.

You're all being extremely patronizing.