What is it with people given childless couples unsolicited fertility advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

PP. It doesn’t seem like you’re aware at all, hence your obstinacy in the face of valid advice.

People, even my closest friends, give me advice I don’t want to hear all the time: I won’t do IVF because it goes against my religious beliefs. It’s okay, they’re giving me practical advice and I am simply choosing not to take it. If you’re so secure in your decision, it’s as easy as literally not taking their advice and it wouldn’t really shake you the way it’s doing right now.

You can’t let people being what they perceive to be polite and helpful as adversarial and negative. Well you can, but it’s only going to make you miserable and irritated.

Not OP, but why is it so hard to imagine a woman who is genuinely ok with the idea that that she might never conceive? People take all kinds of risks all the time and no one questions their choices. This kind of denial or the adviser's side seem to almost exclusively occur with advice related to marriage and children. It's almost like the people giving the advice are projecting their own desires and can't accept when someone doesn't share those desires to the same extent.

For the record, I'm a mom of three kids I always knew I wanted, and like OP, I constantly got unsolicited advice on children when I already had a plan which worked as intended. I found it irritating because my womb in none of your f**king business. I'm not really sure why this is so hard to understand for some people.

My point has always been stop taking people giving you advice so personal!!! Everything is not about you or judging your choices, people just do it because that’s what everybody does. They’re doing it in this thread, because that’s literally what people do. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. Nobody is forcing you to take anyone’s advice or even participate in the conversation!

No, it's what bored tactless people who have nothing else to talk about do.
I have literally never given anyone unsolicited advice. It's rude and patronizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

You should screenshot this post of yours and then reread it when you are in your 40s and struggling with fertility, because you waited too long. Believe me all the fun things that are fulfilling to you right now aren’t going to be super fun once the redundancy kicks in. Your husband can simply marry a younger woman and have kids anytime in his life. Literally. And you can’t.

I was in OPs shoes and decided not to have kids. I'm in my fifties and glad that I didn't have any, not because I dislike kids, but I know that given my situation (slightly different from OP's) having children would have been a massive disaster. Seems like you're the one looking back and struggling with whatever decisions you made.

Similar, dh and I couldn't conceive and decided not to adopt. I was sad for quite a while, but now in our 50s, we are now both relieved we didn't try harder. And still married.

It was the best decision for me in the long run, just a hard one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

They shouldn't be asking.
How would you feel if someone randomly asked you how your marriage is going? Or if your children are in good health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

They shouldn't be asking.
How would you feel if someone randomly asked you how your marriage is going? Or if your children are in good health?

What?? I wouldn’t care at all if someone asked if my children were healthy. How weird. And if someone asked how my husband and I were doing, I’d say “great!” And move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

Where does the OP say that she tells these acquaintances that she wants children? She mentioned that they bring the topic when she mentions her age and that she is childless. You are the ones who are either naive, lack basic reading comprehension skills and don't understand that someone might want two things but prioritize one over another.

She has literally posted that she tells them things like “not right now” and “maybe later”. She should just shut the conversation down. Who cares what she tells them? A 36 yr old woman saying she’s delaying having children is begging for fertility advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are seeing--both IRL and this thread--is people calling bull on your "financial" reasons. To be clear... if you are ambivalent about having kids, and see yourself being 100% okay without, then that's fine, and maybe you should reframe your responses to reflect that. You keep saying "you know" but if you do, then you just saying you "get it" might be an issue is weak sauce.

The people irl who ask about my fertility don't know how much we earn and I don't tell them either. The conversation jumps straight from my age/marriage to comments about my fertility and I just tell them that we won't have kids at the moment and ask them to change the subject. I want kids, but I only want them if we're economically comfortable. I feel comfortable right now, but I know I won't be if we're living on less than a 60K a year, which is what will happen if one of us has to quit their job or pay daycare. Plenty of people do it. I don't want to be one of them because we already went through it without have children. I'm not quite sure where's the bullshit. If that makes me ambivalent, then yes, I'm ambivalent. That still doesn't explain why people feel so comfortable giving me advice or questioning my choices. I don't think anybody would love it if childless people started questioning your reasons for having kids or making any decision rthat they disagree with.

You want kids and you're married and 36 and magically waiting for an income increase? This is why people are giving you this advice 100%

Also, I am hoping you mean 60k after taxes or live in a cheaper area than DC because that literally makes no sense if you both work.

I literally said that the people giving me advice in real life don't know how much money we make, and that less than 60K is how much we would make if one of us has to quit their job. Do you even read?

Umm yes I am totally shocked that between the two of you in your mid 30s in DC that neither of you make more than $60k.

We don't live in DC and as a previous poster mentioned the median salary for someone in their 30s is less than that. DCUM is far from being representative of the average person.

If you’re making this low of a salary all the more reason to have kids now since you say you want them and don’t have 23k per IVF cycle or tell people you don’t want kids or don’t start a thread asking why people tell you about infertility when you’re married and 36 and claim to not be financially secure enough to have them.

That's not a low salary. It's close to the median, but doing your own research doesn't seem to be your strong point. Ironically, finances and childcare do not seem your strong points either as you're absolutely oblivious to housing prices and childcare prices, which can put a person living on an average salary in a very though situation. I didn't start a thread asking for fertility advice. I started a thread asking why people are so effing nosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

They shouldn't be asking.
How would you feel if someone randomly asked you how your marriage is going? Or if your children are in good health?

What?? I wouldn’t care at all if someone asked if my children were healthy. How weird. And if someone asked how my husband and I were doing, I’d say “great!” And move on.

No, I'm not talking about "How are Larlo and the kids?" I'm talking about questions like How's your marriage doing? You guys still f--ing? How often? Is Little Larla on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are seeing--both IRL and this thread--is people calling bull on your "financial" reasons. To be clear... if you are ambivalent about having kids, and see yourself being 100% okay without, then that's fine, and maybe you should reframe your responses to reflect that. You keep saying "you know" but if you do, then you just saying you "get it" might be an issue is weak sauce.

The people irl who ask about my fertility don't know how much we earn and I don't tell them either. The conversation jumps straight from my age/marriage to comments about my fertility and I just tell them that we won't have kids at the moment and ask them to change the subject. I want kids, but I only want them if we're economically comfortable. I feel comfortable right now, but I know I won't be if we're living on less than a 60K a year, which is what will happen if one of us has to quit their job or pay daycare. Plenty of people do it. I don't want to be one of them because we already went through it without have children. I'm not quite sure where's the bullshit. If that makes me ambivalent, then yes, I'm ambivalent. That still doesn't explain why people feel so comfortable giving me advice or questioning my choices. I don't think anybody would love it if childless people started questioning your reasons for having kids or making any decision rthat they disagree with.

You want kids and you're married and 36 and magically waiting for an income increase? This is why people are giving you this advice 100%

Also, I am hoping you mean 60k after taxes or live in a cheaper area than DC because that literally makes no sense if you both work.

I literally said that the people giving me advice in real life don't know how much money we make, and that less than 60K is how much we would make if one of us has to quit their job. Do you even read?

Umm yes I am totally shocked that between the two of you in your mid 30s in DC that neither of you make more than $60k.

We don't live in DC and as a previous poster mentioned the median salary for someone in their 30s is less than that. DCUM is far from being representative of the average person.

If you’re making this low of a salary all the more reason to have kids now since you say you want them and don’t have 23k per IVF cycle or tell people you don’t want kids or don’t start a thread asking why people tell you about infertility when you’re married and 36 and claim to not be financially secure enough to have them.

That's not a low salary. It's close to the median, but doing your own research doesn't seem to be your strong point. Ironically, finances and childcare do not seem your strong points either as you're absolutely oblivious to housing prices and childcare prices, which can put a person living on an average salary in a very though situation. I didn't start a thread asking for fertility advice. I started a thread asking why people are so effing nosy.

Good lord it’s a low salary if you need to spend 23k on IVF. Context clues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

PP. It doesn’t seem like you’re aware at all, hence your obstinacy in the face of valid advice.

People, even my closest friends, give me advice I don’t want to hear all the time: I won’t do IVF because it goes against my religious beliefs. It’s okay, they’re giving me practical advice and I am simply choosing not to take it. If you’re so secure in your decision, it’s as easy as literally not taking their advice and it wouldn’t really shake you the way it’s doing right now.

You can’t let people being what they perceive to be polite and helpful as adversarial and negative. Well you can, but it’s only going to make you miserable and irritated.

Not OP, but why is it so hard to imagine a woman who is genuinely ok with the idea that that she might never conceive? People take all kinds of risks all the time and no one questions their choices. This kind of denial or the adviser's side seem to almost exclusively occur with advice related to marriage and children. It's almost like the people giving the advice are projecting their own desires and can't accept when someone doesn't share those desires to the same extent.

For the record, I'm a mom of three kids I always knew I wanted, and like OP, I constantly got unsolicited advice on children when I already had a plan which worked as intended. I found it irritating because my womb in none of your f**king business. I'm not really sure why this is so hard to understand for some people.

My point has always been stop taking people giving you advice so personal!!! Everything is not about you or judging your choices, people just do it because that’s what everybody does. They’re doing it in this thread, because that’s literally what people do. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. Nobody is forcing you to take anyone’s advice or even participate in the conversation!

Eeeeeh, nope. Most people don't give this kind of unsolicited advice. Most people understand that a persons reproductive affairs are none of their business. I' m childless and I've never had a person giving me a fertility lecture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

They shouldn't be asking.
How would you feel if someone randomly asked you how your marriage is going? Or if your children are in good health?

What?? I wouldn’t care at all if someone asked if my children were healthy. How weird. And if someone asked how my husband and I were doing, I’d say “great!” And move on.

No, I'm not talking about "How are Larlo and the kids?" I'm talking about questions like How's your marriage doing? You guys still f--ing? How often? Is Little Larla on the spectrum?

Oh please. This is so dramatic. Family, friends, even acquaintances asking you if you want kids isn’t like any of those things. Some of you are so damn sensitive. Just say no and move the conversation along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

PP. It doesn’t seem like you’re aware at all, hence your obstinacy in the face of valid advice.

People, even my closest friends, give me advice I don’t want to hear all the time: I won’t do IVF because it goes against my religious beliefs. It’s okay, they’re giving me practical advice and I am simply choosing not to take it. If you’re so secure in your decision, it’s as easy as literally not taking their advice and it wouldn’t really shake you the way it’s doing right now.

You can’t let people being what they perceive to be polite and helpful as adversarial and negative. Well you can, but it’s only going to make you miserable and irritated.

Not OP, but why is it so hard to imagine a woman who is genuinely ok with the idea that that she might never conceive? People take all kinds of risks all the time and no one questions their choices. This kind of denial or the adviser's side seem to almost exclusively occur with advice related to marriage and children. It's almost like the people giving the advice are projecting their own desires and can't accept when someone doesn't share those desires to the same extent.

For the record, I'm a mom of three kids I always knew I wanted, and like OP, I constantly got unsolicited advice on children when I already had a plan which worked as intended. I found it irritating because my womb in none of your f**king business. I'm not really sure why this is so hard to understand for some people.

My point has always been stop taking people giving you advice so personal!!! Everything is not about you or judging your choices, people just do it because that’s what everybody does. They’re doing it in this thread, because that’s literally what people do. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. Nobody is forcing you to take anyone’s advice or even participate in the conversation!

No, it's what bored tactless people who have nothing else to talk about do.
I have literally never given anyone unsolicited advice. It's rude and patronizing.

How are you not being just as judgmental and rude when you call someone bored, patronizing, and tactless for giving advice?

When we bought a house this year I got unsolicited advice, how rude, the horror! GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

PP. It doesn’t seem like you’re aware at all, hence your obstinacy in the face of valid advice.

People, even my closest friends, give me advice I don’t want to hear all the time: I won’t do IVF because it goes against my religious beliefs. It’s okay, they’re giving me practical advice and I am simply choosing not to take it. If you’re so secure in your decision, it’s as easy as literally not taking their advice and it wouldn’t really shake you the way it’s doing right now.

You can’t let people being what they perceive to be polite and helpful as adversarial and negative. Well you can, but it’s only going to make you miserable and irritated.

Not OP, but why is it so hard to imagine a woman who is genuinely ok with the idea that that she might never conceive? People take all kinds of risks all the time and no one questions their choices. This kind of denial or the adviser's side seem to almost exclusively occur with advice related to marriage and children. It's almost like the people giving the advice are projecting their own desires and can't accept when someone doesn't share those desires to the same extent.

For the record, I'm a mom of three kids I always knew I wanted, and like OP, I constantly got unsolicited advice on children when I already had a plan which worked as intended. I found it irritating because my womb in none of your f**king business. I'm not really sure why this is so hard to understand for some people.

My point has always been stop taking people giving you advice so personal!!! Everything is not about you or judging your choices, people just do it because that’s what everybody does. They’re doing it in this thread, because that’s literally what people do. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. Nobody is forcing you to take anyone’s advice or even participate in the conversation!

Eeeeeh, nope. Most people don't give this kind of unsolicited advice. Most people understand that a persons reproductive affairs are none of their business. I' m childless and I've never had a person giving me a fertility lecture.

You are probably not running around at the age of 36 telling people you are delaying childbearing due to finances. The OP is either a troll or clueless, but she is inadvertently soliciting this advice making these foolish statements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

They shouldn't be asking.
How would you feel if someone randomly asked you how your marriage is going? Or if your children are in good health?

What?? I wouldn’t care at all if someone asked if my children were healthy. How weird. And if someone asked how my husband and I were doing, I’d say “great!” And move on.

No, I'm not talking about "How are Larlo and the kids?" I'm talking about questions like How's your marriage doing? You guys still f--ing? How often? Is Little Larla on the spectrum?

Oh please. This is so dramatic. Family, friends, even acquaintances asking you if you want kids isn’t like any of those things. Some of you are so damn sensitive. Just say no and move the conversation along.

It's exactly like those things. It's personal. It's none of anyone else's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are seeing--both IRL and this thread--is people calling bull on your "financial" reasons. To be clear... if you are ambivalent about having kids, and see yourself being 100% okay without, then that's fine, and maybe you should reframe your responses to reflect that. You keep saying "you know" but if you do, then you just saying you "get it" might be an issue is weak sauce.

The people irl who ask about my fertility don't know how much we earn and I don't tell them either. The conversation jumps straight from my age/marriage to comments about my fertility and I just tell them that we won't have kids at the moment and ask them to change the subject. I want kids, but I only want them if we're economically comfortable. I feel comfortable right now, but I know I won't be if we're living on less than a 60K a year, which is what will happen if one of us has to quit their job or pay daycare. Plenty of people do it. I don't want to be one of them because we already went through it without have children. I'm not quite sure where's the bullshit. If that makes me ambivalent, then yes, I'm ambivalent. That still doesn't explain why people feel so comfortable giving me advice or questioning my choices. I don't think anybody would love it if childless people started questioning your reasons for having kids or making any decision rthat they disagree with.

You want kids and you're married and 36 and magically waiting for an income increase? This is why people are giving you this advice 100%

Also, I am hoping you mean 60k after taxes or live in a cheaper area than DC because that literally makes no sense if you both work.

I literally said that the people giving me advice in real life don't know how much money we make, and that less than 60K is how much we would make if one of us has to quit their job. Do you even read?

Umm yes I am totally shocked that between the two of you in your mid 30s in DC that neither of you make more than $60k.

We don't live in DC and as a previous poster mentioned the median salary for someone in their 30s is less than that. DCUM is far from being representative of the average person.

If you’re making this low of a salary all the more reason to have kids now since you say you want them and don’t have 23k per IVF cycle or tell people you don’t want kids or don’t start a thread asking why people tell you about infertility when you’re married and 36 and claim to not be financially secure enough to have them.

That's not a low salary. It's close to the median, but doing your own research doesn't seem to be your strong point. Ironically, finances and childcare do not seem your strong points either as you're absolutely oblivious to housing prices and childcare prices, which can put a person living on an average salary in a very though situation. I didn't start a thread asking for fertility advice. I started a thread asking why people are so effing nosy.

Good lord it’s a low salary if you need to spend 23k on IVF. Context clues

I already said in the first page that IVF was off limits due to our income, but people keep bringing it over and over again for some reason.