Twins and Birthday Party invites

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, the Twin Parents are totally wrong. One kid wasn't invited - so only the twin IN YOUR DD'S CLASS should have rsvp'd to come.

Ok, first of all, most twin parents on here said they'd only bring the kid who was invited. So simmer down. Second of all, when an evite comes addressed to the parent, which often happens, it can be confusing to know who is invited. You sound obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the age.

What age would be the cutoff?

I'm a twin dad. You need to invite both up until about 1st grade, maybe 2nd grade. By first grade, they should start to have their own group of friends and should start to understand (or their parents need to teach) that one twin being invited does not include the other twin. I'm with triplet mom. I would never bring my twin or RSVP for both unless both were invited.

I, personally, would extend higher, like about age 8 and grade 2, but after first grade, I would say that the second twin need not be invited.

For the mother who RSVPed for both, if there are limited slots or you are at a venue where additional children cost extra, it is okay to respond that Larla was invited, but siblings are not included.

Curious why you think that parents “need” to invite both twins if the birthday child is only friends with one of them? It’s crazy that some parents of multiples can feel so entitled that they can demand anything from others that are simply outside the bounds of usual social convention.

You can’t demand or state that you “need” an invitation from anyone!! Sure, you can ask, just like parents have asked if the sibling can attend for any number of reasons (child care, single parent, etc).

It’s not about parent entitlement. It’s about being sensitive to little kids who are in the same household and are the same age and will know they are being excluded. Of course this isn’t the case with older kids who are able and need to understand social cues, but can’t you see why this is the kind thing to do if you’re able to? I’ve got twins plus an older kid and would never ask if my older kid could come to a party unless she was specifically invited (nor would she likely want to go to her younger siblings’ friends’ parties). But, like it or not, things are different with twins, especially when they are the same gender. I’d never assume both were invited, but I might ask to clarify if it’s unclear, despite the PP above considering this to be “putting her on the spot.” I have regularly left one sad K twin at home where it wasn’t clear she was invited, only to find that others have brought their older or younger siblings.

There is nothing special about twins that entitles their hurt feelings to be prioritized. Any number of family arrangements can lead to hurt feelings, not just twins. Siblings can be close in age, even if not twins. Siblings have rivalry regardless of gender. But for some reason, twin parents think their twins’ potential hurt feelings dominate all other considerations.

Sure young twins can have hurt feelings if only one is invited. Couldn’t this happen in many other scenarios? Sigh.

I'm a twin parent who would never bring an uninvited twin to a party or play date and who doesn't expect both of them to be invited to everything and never have. But if you can't understand why twins are different than siblings (HINT, it's because they're in the same grade!) then I don't know what to tell you. SIGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the age.

What age would be the cutoff?

I'm a twin dad. You need to invite both up until about 1st grade, maybe 2nd grade. By first grade, they should start to have their own group of friends and should start to understand (or their parents need to teach) that one twin being invited does not include the other twin. I'm with triplet mom. I would never bring my twin or RSVP for both unless both were invited.

I, personally, would extend higher, like about age 8 and grade 2, but after first grade, I would say that the second twin need not be invited.

For the mother who RSVPed for both, if there are limited slots or you are at a venue where additional children cost extra, it is okay to respond that Larla was invited, but siblings are not included.

Curious why you think that parents “need” to invite both twins if the birthday child is only friends with one of them? It’s crazy that some parents of multiples can feel so entitled that they can demand anything from others that are simply outside the bounds of usual social convention.

You can’t demand or state that you “need” an invitation from anyone!! Sure, you can ask, just like parents have asked if the sibling can attend for any number of reasons (child care, single parent, etc).

It’s not about parent entitlement. It’s about being sensitive to little kids who are in the same household and are the same age and will know they are being excluded. Of course this isn’t the case with older kids who are able and need to understand social cues, but can’t you see why this is the kind thing to do if you’re able to? I’ve got twins plus an older kid and would never ask if my older kid could come to a party unless she was specifically invited (nor would she likely want to go to her younger siblings’ friends’ parties). But, like it or not, things are different with twins, especially when they are the same gender. I’d never assume both were invited, but I might ask to clarify if it’s unclear, despite the PP above considering this to be “putting her on the spot.” I have regularly left one sad K twin at home where it wasn’t clear she was invited, only to find that others have brought their older or younger siblings.

There is nothing special about twins that entitles their hurt feelings to be prioritized. Any number of family arrangements can lead to hurt feelings, not just twins. Siblings can be close in age, even if not twins. Siblings have rivalry regardless of gender. But for some reason, twin parents think their twins’ potential hurt feelings dominate all other considerations.

Sure young twins can have hurt feelings if only one is invited. Couldn’t this happen in many other scenarios? Sigh.

Sigh is right. So weird that you feel the need to argue this. Of course there is something unique about twins in that they live together and are almost always in the same grade. Of course people throwing parties should consider other unique sibling or other arrangements that would likely result in hurt feelings. “Dominate all other considerations?” No one was saying it should but it’s dumb and callous to say that it should not be considered.

My kids are 2 years apart in age. I never ask to bring the younger sibling. They know they can’t go to everything. How is this somehow different for twins?

I’m a twin mom who bends over backwards to make sure people aren’t inconvenienced when it comes to my twins. I never assume they’re both invited and would never ask if both could come to an event. I don’t decline an invitation just because they aren’t both invited. I also have brought just the twin in the birthday child’s class, only to have the parents ask where other twin is. If my twins both attend a birthday party, they each give a separate gift to the birthday child. When I throw a birthday party for my twins, I send out 3 different versions of the invitations: children who are friends/classmates of Twin A only get an invitation mentioning Twin A’s birthday; children who are friends/classmates of Twin B receive an invitation that only mentions Twin B’s birthday; children who are friends with both twins and who always include both of my twins on their invitations receive an invitation from us that mentions both twins’ birthday. I do this specifically so that parents don’t feel obligated to buy gifts for both twins unless their child really is friends with both.

Having said all that, it’s absurd that you can’t understand the difference between sibling sets who are the same age vs different ages. Your kid who is 1-2 years older or younger isn’t a peer or classmate to their sibling’s friends. Twins are part of the same peer group. Some of Twin B’s current classmates were Twin A’s classmates last year and vice versa.

Of course we understand that this is a dynamic, but no different from the many other dynamics at play when you do invitations to parties. Should I invite all the girls on the soccer team even though I’m only friends with 3 of them? Should I invite neighbor A and not neighbor B? Do I need to invite Neighbor A and her sister? Friend A has a stepsister the same age who lives with them- do I invite her too?

My point is only that twin parents think their twins deserve special consideration over all others, for their own reasons which have nothing to do with a relationship with the birthday child. And they continue to be blind to this entitlement.

No, you’re not getting it. There are times that when you make an invite decision that would rub the choice in the face of others very specifically and directly, you sometimes have to include another person as a courtesy to avoid blatant hurt feelings.

Let’s say it’s your wedding and you have 3 close work friends you’d like to invite and they each have a long term live-in boyfriend. You don’t care for one of the 3 boyfriends. Would you invite 2 work friends with their boyfriends and 1 work friend without? No of course you would not. Because it would send the message loud and clear that you like only the boyfriends of the first two, and the third work friend would have it rubbed in her face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the age.

What age would be the cutoff?

I'm a twin dad. You need to invite both up until about 1st grade, maybe 2nd grade. By first grade, they should start to have their own group of friends and should start to understand (or their parents need to teach) that one twin being invited does not include the other twin. I'm with triplet mom. I would never bring my twin or RSVP for both unless both were invited.

I, personally, would extend higher, like about age 8 and grade 2, but after first grade, I would say that the second twin need not be invited.

For the mother who RSVPed for both, if there are limited slots or you are at a venue where additional children cost extra, it is okay to respond that Larla was invited, but siblings are not included.

Curious why you think that parents “need” to invite both twins if the birthday child is only friends with one of them? It’s crazy that some parents of multiples can feel so entitled that they can demand anything from others that are simply outside the bounds of usual social convention.

You can’t demand or state that you “need” an invitation from anyone!! Sure, you can ask, just like parents have asked if the sibling can attend for any number of reasons (child care, single parent, etc).

It’s not about parent entitlement. It’s about being sensitive to little kids who are in the same household and are the same age and will know they are being excluded. Of course this isn’t the case with older kids who are able and need to understand social cues, but can’t you see why this is the kind thing to do if you’re able to? I’ve got twins plus an older kid and would never ask if my older kid could come to a party unless she was specifically invited (nor would she likely want to go to her younger siblings’ friends’ parties). But, like it or not, things are different with twins, especially when they are the same gender. I’d never assume both were invited, but I might ask to clarify if it’s unclear, despite the PP above considering this to be “putting her on the spot.” I have regularly left one sad K twin at home where it wasn’t clear she was invited, only to find that others have brought their older or younger siblings.

There is nothing special about twins that entitles their hurt feelings to be prioritized. Any number of family arrangements can lead to hurt feelings, not just twins. Siblings can be close in age, even if not twins. Siblings have rivalry regardless of gender. But for some reason, twin parents think their twins’ potential hurt feelings dominate all other considerations.

Sure young twins can have hurt feelings if only one is invited. Couldn’t this happen in many other scenarios? Sigh.

Sigh is right. So weird that you feel the need to argue this. Of course there is something unique about twins in that they live together and are almost always in the same grade. Of course people throwing parties should consider other unique sibling or other arrangements that would likely result in hurt feelings. “Dominate all other considerations?” No one was saying it should but it’s dumb and callous to say that it should not be considered.

My kids are 2 years apart in age. I never ask to bring the younger sibling. They know they can’t go to everything. How is this somehow different for twins?

Are you trying to be obtuse or are you actually just this simple?

Twins are in the same grade, hence they often know all the kids in the grade, and may have been in the class with the birthday child the year before and may be friends with them. This wouldn't happen with siblings.

When Twin A is in Larla's class in K and Twin B is in Larla's class in 1st and they both were friends with Larla and a birthday invitation arrives addressed to the Twin's mom, it's confusing to know who is invited. I assume it's the twin in Larla's class (because heaven forbid I insult you and put you on the spot by asking) and then when we get to the party you and Larla ask where Twin A is. Well, it wasn't clear that she was invited so I didn't bring her and the nasty people on DCUM have made it clear that it is incredibly rude of me to even ask for clarification so instead Larla and Twin A can just be sad.

[Anonymous]

No reasonable host would be upset to be contacted to clarify whether the invite was for twin A or twin B if not specified. The host would then say which twin, or invite you to bring both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the age.

What age would be the cutoff?

I'm a twin dad. You need to invite both up until about 1st grade, maybe 2nd grade. By first grade, they should start to have their own group of friends and should start to understand (or their parents need to teach) that one twin being invited does not include the other twin. I'm with triplet mom. I would never bring my twin or RSVP for both unless both were invited.

I, personally, would extend higher, like about age 8 and grade 2, but after first grade, I would say that the second twin need not be invited.

For the mother who RSVPed for both, if there are limited slots or you are at a venue where additional children cost extra, it is okay to respond that Larla was invited, but siblings are not included.

Curious why you think that parents “need” to invite both twins if the birthday child is only friends with one of them? It’s crazy that some parents of multiples can feel so entitled that they can demand anything from others that are simply outside the bounds of usual social convention.

You can’t demand or state that you “need” an invitation from anyone!! Sure, you can ask, just like parents have asked if the sibling can attend for any number of reasons (child care, single parent, etc).

It’s not about parent entitlement. It’s about being sensitive to little kids who are in the same household and are the same age and will know they are being excluded. Of course this isn’t the case with older kids who are able and need to understand social cues, but can’t you see why this is the kind thing to do if you’re able to? I’ve got twins plus an older kid and would never ask if my older kid could come to a party unless she was specifically invited (nor would she likely want to go to her younger siblings’ friends’ parties). But, like it or not, things are different with twins, especially when they are the same gender. I’d never assume both were invited, but I might ask to clarify if it’s unclear, despite the PP above considering this to be “putting her on the spot.” I have regularly left one sad K twin at home where it wasn’t clear she was invited, only to find that others have brought their older or younger siblings.

There is nothing special about twins that entitles their hurt feelings to be prioritized. Any number of family arrangements can lead to hurt feelings, not just twins. Siblings can be close in age, even if not twins. Siblings have rivalry regardless of gender. But for some reason, twin parents think their twins’ potential hurt feelings dominate all other considerations.

Sure young twins can have hurt feelings if only one is invited. Couldn’t this happen in many other scenarios? Sigh.

Sigh is right. So weird that you feel the need to argue this. Of course there is something unique about twins in that they live together and are almost always in the same grade. Of course people throwing parties should consider other unique sibling or other arrangements that would likely result in hurt feelings. “Dominate all other considerations?” No one was saying it should but it’s dumb and callous to say that it should not be considered.

My kids are 2 years apart in age. I never ask to bring the younger sibling. They know they can’t go to everything. How is this somehow different for twins?

I’m a twin mom who bends over backwards to make sure people aren’t inconvenienced when it comes to my twins. I never assume they’re both invited and would never ask if both could come to an event. I don’t decline an invitation just because they aren’t both invited. I also have brought just the twin in the birthday child’s class, only to have the parents ask where other twin is. If my twins both attend a birthday party, they each give a separate gift to the birthday child. When I throw a birthday party for my twins, I send out 3 different versions of the invitations: children who are friends/classmates of Twin A only get an invitation mentioning Twin A’s birthday; children who are friends/classmates of Twin B receive an invitation that only mentions Twin B’s birthday; children who are friends with both twins and who always include both of my twins on their invitations receive an invitation from us that mentions both twins’ birthday. I do this specifically so that parents don’t feel obligated to buy gifts for both twins unless their child really is friends with both.

Having said all that, it’s absurd that you can’t understand the difference between sibling sets who are the same age vs different ages. Your kid who is 1-2 years older or younger isn’t a peer or classmate to their sibling’s friends. Twins are part of the same peer group. Some of Twin B’s current classmates were Twin A’s classmates last year and vice versa.

Of course we understand that this is a dynamic, but no different from the many other dynamics at play when you do invitations to parties. Should I invite all the girls on the soccer team even though I’m only friends with 3 of them? Should I invite neighbor A and not neighbor B? Do I need to invite Neighbor A and her sister? Friend A has a stepsister the same age who lives with them- do I invite her too?

My point is only that twin parents think their twins deserve special consideration over all others, for their own reasons which have nothing to do with a relationship with the birthday child. And they continue to be blind to this entitlement.

No, you’re not getting it. There are times that when you make an invite decision that would rub the choice in the face of others very specifically and directly, you sometimes have to include another person as a courtesy to avoid blatant hurt feelings.

Let’s say it’s your wedding and you have 3 close work friends you’d like to invite and they each have a long term live-in boyfriend. You don’t care for one of the 3 boyfriends. Would you invite 2 work friends with their boyfriends and 1 work friend without? No of course you would not. Because it would send the message loud and clear that you like only the boyfriends of the first two, and the third work friend would have it rubbed in her face.

Yes we are in agreement that this situation is like a twin situation. I am not being obtuse and “not understanding” that it’s difficult. I’m only saying there are lots of difficult invite situations to navigate, twins being one of many. Not one that is unique and must be accommodated every time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the age.

What age would be the cutoff?

I'm a twin dad. You need to invite both up until about 1st grade, maybe 2nd grade. By first grade, they should start to have their own group of friends and should start to understand (or their parents need to teach) that one twin being invited does not include the other twin. I'm with triplet mom. I would never bring my twin or RSVP for both unless both were invited.

I, personally, would extend higher, like about age 8 and grade 2, but after first grade, I would say that the second twin need not be invited.

For the mother who RSVPed for both, if there are limited slots or you are at a venue where additional children cost extra, it is okay to respond that Larla was invited, but siblings are not included.

Curious why you think that parents “need” to invite both twins if the birthday child is only friends with one of them? It’s crazy that some parents of multiples can feel so entitled that they can demand anything from others that are simply outside the bounds of usual social convention.

You can’t demand or state that you “need” an invitation from anyone!! Sure, you can ask, just like parents have asked if the sibling can attend for any number of reasons (child care, single parent, etc).

It’s not about parent entitlement. It’s about being sensitive to little kids who are in the same household and are the same age and will know they are being excluded. Of course this isn’t the case with older kids who are able and need to understand social cues, but can’t you see why this is the kind thing to do if you’re able to? I’ve got twins plus an older kid and would never ask if my older kid could come to a party unless she was specifically invited (nor would she likely want to go to her younger siblings’ friends’ parties). But, like it or not, things are different with twins, especially when they are the same gender. I’d never assume both were invited, but I might ask to clarify if it’s unclear, despite the PP above considering this to be “putting her on the spot.” I have regularly left one sad K twin at home where it wasn’t clear she was invited, only to find that others have brought their older or younger siblings.

There is nothing special about twins that entitles their hurt feelings to be prioritized. Any number of family arrangements can lead to hurt feelings, not just twins. Siblings can be close in age, even if not twins. Siblings have rivalry regardless of gender. But for some reason, twin parents think their twins’ potential hurt feelings dominate all other considerations.

Sure young twins can have hurt feelings if only one is invited. Couldn’t this happen in many other scenarios? Sigh.

Sigh is right. So weird that you feel the need to argue this. Of course there is something unique about twins in that they live together and are almost always in the same grade. Of course people throwing parties should consider other unique sibling or other arrangements that would likely result in hurt feelings. “Dominate all other considerations?” No one was saying it should but it’s dumb and callous to say that it should not be considered.

My kids are 2 years apart in age. I never ask to bring the younger sibling. They know they can’t go to everything. How is this somehow different for twins?

I’m a twin mom who bends over backwards to make sure people aren’t inconvenienced when it comes to my twins. I never assume they’re both invited and would never ask if both could come to an event. I don’t decline an invitation just because they aren’t both invited. I also have brought just the twin in the birthday child’s class, only to have the parents ask where other twin is. If my twins both attend a birthday party, they each give a separate gift to the birthday child. When I throw a birthday party for my twins, I send out 3 different versions of the invitations: children who are friends/classmates of Twin A only get an invitation mentioning Twin A’s birthday; children who are friends/classmates of Twin B receive an invitation that only mentions Twin B’s birthday; children who are friends with both twins and who always include both of my twins on their invitations receive an invitation from us that mentions both twins’ birthday. I do this specifically so that parents don’t feel obligated to buy gifts for both twins unless their child really is friends with both.

Having said all that, it’s absurd that you can’t understand the difference between sibling sets who are the same age vs different ages. Your kid who is 1-2 years older or younger isn’t a peer or classmate to their sibling’s friends. Twins are part of the same peer group. Some of Twin B’s current classmates were Twin A’s classmates last year and vice versa.

Of course we understand that this is a dynamic, but no different from the many other dynamics at play when you do invitations to parties. Should I invite all the girls on the soccer team even though I’m only friends with 3 of them? Should I invite neighbor A and not neighbor B? Do I need to invite Neighbor A and her sister? Friend A has a stepsister the same age who lives with them- do I invite her too?

My point is only that twin parents think their twins deserve special consideration over all others, for their own reasons which have nothing to do with a relationship with the birthday child. And they continue to be blind to this entitlement.

No, you’re not getting it. There are times that when you make an invite decision that would rub the choice in the face of others very specifically and directly, you sometimes have to include another person as a courtesy to avoid blatant hurt feelings.

Let’s say it’s your wedding and you have 3 close work friends you’d like to invite and they each have a long term live-in boyfriend. You don’t care for one of the 3 boyfriends. Would you invite 2 work friends with their boyfriends and 1 work friend without? No of course you would not. Because it would send the message loud and clear that you like only the boyfriends of the first two, and the third work friend would have it rubbed in her face.

Yes we are in agreement that this situation is like a twin situation. I am not being obtuse and “not understanding” that it’s difficult. I’m only saying there are lots of difficult invite situations to navigate, twins being one of many. Not one that is unique and must be accommodated every time [/quote

You are weirdly invested in this.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's rude for them to do that. Definitely not typical, but I would frame it as more desperate than anything. MAYBE the twin mom is entitled and thinks their kids are both so desirable and fabulous. More likely it's begging you to make her life easier by letting them both come. Or she's got some weird value about all things equal, who knows. I would probably be OK with it, but still call attention to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has a birthday party coming up. We did an all class invite. One of her classmates is a twin. Twin is in another class and was not invited.My daughter is not really close to either twin but wanted to invite the whole class. She knows of the twin and occasionally they interact at recess. Their parent RSVP’d that both girls would be attending. Is this reasonable?

No big deal. Your daughter will get 2 presents and the extra uninvited child will barely eat an extra slice of pizza. Usually twin parents like to send 2 presents, 1 from each child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has a birthday party coming up. We did an all class invite. One of her classmates is a twin. Twin is in another class and was not invited.My daughter is not really close to either twin but wanted to invite the whole class. She knows of the twin and occasionally they interact at recess. Their parent RSVP’d that both girls would be attending. Is this reasonable?

No big deal. Your daughter will get 2 presents and the extra uninvited child will barely eat an extra slice of pizza. Usually twin parents like to send 2 presents, 1 from each child.

I am this same PP. Actually reading your question and all the responses surprise me. We take only the invited kid to the birthday party unless the invite says "siblings are welcome".. there was one such invite last year. For my kids' birthdays, we have always invited whoever our kids wanted to invite and some people show up with the siblings too especially if the sibling is similar aged or younger. We are happy to feed everyone, including the parents. This question about "if it's reasonable" would have never occurred to me.
If your daughter is 16 and an uninvited 16 year old shows up, that's a different story. But if your DD is 6, I mean com'on!