Coach doesn’t like my child

[Anonymous]

Are any of the players on the team getting private lesson with the coach? I realized the coach was favoring some player who weren't as good as others but then realized they were doing privates with him.

[Anonymous]

It may not be that the coach dislikes your child- but simply likes other players more. IME: the top 20% of players will get lots of attention and playing time wherever they go, the bottom 20% of players will struggle to get attention and playing time wherever they go. For that remaining middle group of kids- 60% or so- attention and role will vary widely depending on the coach. This is where things like general likability , “politics” or simply differing opinion of skills etc come into play. If your kid is in this middle group- you have to be much more mindful/careful about what team they are on and consider more factors. Often you may have to move around yearly to find the best fit.

In other words- probably time to look for a new team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may not be that the coach dislikes your child- but simply likes other players more. IME: the top 20% of players will get lots of attention and playing time wherever they go, the bottom 20% of players will struggle to get attention and playing time wherever they go. For that remaining middle group of kids- 60% or so- attention and role will vary widely depending on the coach. This is where things like general likability , “politics” or simply differing opinion of skills etc come into play. If your kid is in this middle group- you have to be much more mindful/careful about what team they are on and consider more factors. Often you may have to move around yearly to find the best fit.

In other words- probably time to look for a new team.

In our case, it's been more like the top 10% and the bottom 10% are locked in, and the middle 80% need to be careful and find a good fit. The politics have been brutal for us in the sports with dad coaches (single mom) but it got better as we aged into independent coaches, and by high school much better, but we had to find off-season opportunities to make up for missed playing time along the way so DC could learn how to play on special teams, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may not be that the coach dislikes your child- but simply likes other players more. IME: the top 20% of players will get lots of attention and playing time wherever they go, the bottom 20% of players will struggle to get attention and playing time wherever they go. For that remaining middle group of kids- 60% or so- attention and role will vary widely depending on the coach. This is where things like general likability , “politics” or simply differing opinion of skills etc come into play. If your kid is in this middle group- you have to be much more mindful/careful about what team they are on and consider more factors. Often you may have to move around yearly to find the best fit.

In other words- probably time to look for a new team.

In our case, it's been more like the top 10% and the bottom 10% are locked in, and the middle 80% need to be careful and find a good fit. The politics have been brutal for us in the sports with dad coaches (single mom) but it got better as we aged into independent coaches, and by high school much better, but we had to find off-season opportunities to make up for missed playing time along the way so DC could learn how to play on special teams, etc.

+1

My youngest finally hit 12u and the paid independent coaching stage. It is a relief, for sure.

The dad coach issue can be a real problem at times. A kid without an involved dad (or Heaven forbid- a disliked dad) is often at a large disadvantage- the dads band together into buddy groups early on to advance the interests of their kids. If a kid is in the top 10% of players it will not matter, but for any kid in that middle 80%- they will always always work together to advocate for and pad along a kid from the “dad buddy group” over another child. Whether it is playing time, forming new teams, who makes top level or all star teams, and more. Many will even try to influence paid coaches- sometimes with success. A kid who is 20% percentile in skill but with a popular dad will have a better chance of success than a kid 80% on skill with an absent or disliked dad…at least at the younger ages. Have seen some version of this with all 3 of my kids’ various travel sports.

[Anonymous]

OP- I have read through all the posts, but is this a Rec League? I have coached many teams. Some players simply demand more attention, some need more correcting. I coached a few teams and for soccer there could be 16 players.
I was always coming from work or dropping off another child. I usually had a lineup planned, but almost always had to change it because people did not tell me they were not coming to the game or would be late.
Some players demanded or needed feedback - it was just easier to see.
I always tried to give feedback to each player when they came of the field but was trying to watch the game, track the time my 11 players were in and think about what to change up if we were losing.
Honestly, coaching is not always as easy as it might seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may not be that the coach dislikes your child- but simply likes other players more. IME: the top 20% of players will get lots of attention and playing time wherever they go, the bottom 20% of players will struggle to get attention and playing time wherever they go. For that remaining middle group of kids- 60% or so- attention and role will vary widely depending on the coach. This is where things like general likability , “politics” or simply differing opinion of skills etc come into play. If your kid is in this middle group- you have to be much more mindful/careful about what team they are on and consider more factors. Often you may have to move around yearly to find the best fit.

In other words- probably time to look for a new team.

In our case, it's been more like the top 10% and the bottom 10% are locked in, and the middle 80% need to be careful and find a good fit. The politics have been brutal for us in the sports with dad coaches (single mom) but it got better as we aged into independent coaches, and by high school much better, but we had to find off-season opportunities to make up for missed playing time along the way so DC could learn how to play on special teams, etc.

+1

My youngest finally hit 12u and the paid independent coaching stage. It is a relief, for sure.

The dad coach issue can be a real problem at times. A kid without an involved dad (or Heaven forbid- a disliked dad) is often at a large disadvantage- the dads band together into buddy groups early on to advance the interests of their kids. If a kid is in the top 10% of players it will not matter, but for any kid in that middle 80%- they will always always work together to advocate for and pad along a kid from the “dad buddy group” over another child. Whether it is playing time, forming new teams, who makes top level or all star teams, and more. Many will even try to influence paid coaches- sometimes with success. A kid who is 20% percentile in skill but with a popular dad will have a better chance of success than a kid 80% on skill with an absent or disliked dad…at least at the younger ages. Have seen some version of this with all 3 of my kids’ various travel sports.

+1

A small group of dads run youth sports in our town and decides who makes all-stars, travel teams, etc. Expertise runs the gamut from “played D1” to “quit after the 5th grade”. It’s a real crapshoot. If you’re lucky, you get a dad coach who understands kids and is invested in developing them all equally. More often, you get a dad coach inserting himself onto the team so he can snowplow for his child.

We had the latter last year for basketball. He was a screamer. He threw hats, cursed out loud, benched kids arbitrarily, and ignored 50% of the team. By the end of the season, he still didn’t know the names of the bottom kids. “GOOD JOB, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS,” he’d yell during a game, thinking he was being funny. My son quit the sport because of him. So did three other kids, including his own son. As a single mom, the politics and the lack of accountability drive me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may not be that the coach dislikes your child- but simply likes other players more. IME: the top 20% of players will get lots of attention and playing time wherever they go, the bottom 20% of players will struggle to get attention and playing time wherever they go. For that remaining middle group of kids- 60% or so- attention and role will vary widely depending on the coach. This is where things like general likability , “politics” or simply differing opinion of skills etc come into play. If your kid is in this middle group- you have to be much more mindful/careful about what team they are on and consider more factors. Often you may have to move around yearly to find the best fit.

In other words- probably time to look for a new team.

In our case, it's been more like the top 10% and the bottom 10% are locked in, and the middle 80% need to be careful and find a good fit. The politics have been brutal for us in the sports with dad coaches (single mom) but it got better as we aged into independent coaches, and by high school much better, but we had to find off-season opportunities to make up for missed playing time along the way so DC could learn how to play on special teams, etc.

+1

My youngest finally hit 12u and the paid independent coaching stage. It is a relief, for sure.

The dad coach issue can be a real problem at times. A kid without an involved dad (or Heaven forbid- a disliked dad) is often at a large disadvantage- the dads band together into buddy groups early on to advance the interests of their kids. If a kid is in the top 10% of players it will not matter, but for any kid in that middle 80%- they will always always work together to advocate for and pad along a kid from the “dad buddy group” over another child. Whether it is playing time, forming new teams, who makes top level or all star teams, and more. Many will even try to influence paid coaches- sometimes with success. A kid who is 20% percentile in skill but with a popular dad will have a better chance of success than a kid 80% on skill with an absent or disliked dad…at least at the younger ages. Have seen some version of this with all 3 of my kids’ various travel sports.

+1

A small group of dads run youth sports in our town and decides who makes all-stars, travel teams, etc. Expertise runs the gamut from “played D1” to “quit after the 5th grade”. It’s a real crapshoot. If you’re lucky, you get a dad coach who understands kids and is invested in developing them all equally. More often, you get a dad coach inserting himself onto the team so he can snowplow for his child.

We had the latter last year for basketball. He was a screamer. He threw hats, cursed out loud, benched kids arbitrarily, and ignored 50% of the team. By the end of the season, he still didn’t know the names of the bottom kids. “GOOD JOB, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS,” he’d yell during a game, thinking he was being funny. My son quit the sport because of him. So did three other kids, including his own son. As a single mom, the politics and the lack of accountability drive me crazy.

Expertise runs the gamut from “played D1” to “quit after the 5th grade”.

Yep. My middle schooler is on a travel baseball team with paid coaches- 2 played D1 and one is on an MLB coaching staff (only have him for late fall and some winter workouts). Yet STILL- several dads (who have never played baseball in their lives but hey- they coached little league lol) sit and nitpick amongst themselves, criticize the practice structure, think they know more than the coaches, constantly trying to get in the coach’s ear etc. It is crazy. The coaches ignore them.

[Anonymous]

A note on “dad coaches”

I was one, and I also helped with board/admin with the rec soccer league and rec baseball league. I could do it, because my kids played and my wife helped. And, because, volunteering is part of what we do. Others volunteer doing other things, church, arts, whatever. My kids participated in lots of activities that we provided little beyond money and carpools. It’s a trade.

It took a couple year’s experience before I learned the basics. These would be:

1. No rec coach is going to teach your kid skills. There is no time. Take a 10 year old baseball team. There will be 14-16 players on it. They will have 3-4 practices of 1-2 hours each before the games start. They will have warmup time before each game and they will bat about 3 times each game. In the preseason practices, your kid, maybe, will get time to see 25 pitches a practice. Hopefully he can get 6 or 7 times hitting from a tee to work on his swing form. That’s it.

In other words - if you want your kid to learn to hit you need to spend the 100 hours minimum that it will take to get him comfortable at the plate. I don’t have the time. And, any extra time I do find will be working with my kid.

Want your kid to get more practice time? Volunteer to help. You get to the field at 4 with your kid, pull the tarps, rake the infield and lay down the chalk. Then you can have 15-20 min to throw to your kid, or work on his fielding. It all helps.

Do coaches favor their own kids for stuff? Sure. It’s a trade off. My kid has to come home from school, get into his uniform right away, and be ready to go to get to the field by 4:30 for the 6:00 game. When we get there, we will get the field ready, and warm up. Hopefully, there is time to work on something for a few minutes before others arrive. Often there is not. We play the game. Afterwords, my kid helps take the field, lay the tarps, and pick up trash so it’s good to go the next day.

Want your kid to bat in the first 6-7 in the order and play a couple of innings in the infield? Volunteer. Be the guy who is first to the field and last to leave one game a week.

That’s just coaching. Folks also do league administration. Get involved. Teams need to be formed. Tryouts need fields or gyms. Fields have to be prepared. Equipment needs to be gone through and replaced/repaired so every team has gear. Schedules need to be made. Umpires need to be found, trained and paid. There’s lots to do. What are you doing to make sure it all runs smoothly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A note on “dad coaches”

I was one, and I also helped with board/admin with the rec soccer league and rec baseball league. I could do it, because my kids played and my wife helped. And, because, volunteering is part of what we do. Others volunteer doing other things, church, arts, whatever. My kids participated in lots of activities that we provided little beyond money and carpools. It’s a trade.

It took a couple year’s experience before I learned the basics. These would be:

1. No rec coach is going to teach your kid skills. There is no time. Take a 10 year old baseball team. There will be 14-16 players on it. They will have 3-4 practices of 1-2 hours each before the games start. They will have warmup time before each game and they will bat about 3 times each game. In the preseason practices, your kid, maybe, will get time to see 25 pitches a practice. Hopefully he can get 6 or 7 times hitting from a tee to work on his swing form. That’s it.

In other words - if you want your kid to learn to hit you need to spend the 100 hours minimum that it will take to get him comfortable at the plate. I don’t have the time. And, any extra time I do find will be working with my kid.

Want your kid to get more practice time? Volunteer to help. You get to the field at 4 with your kid, pull the tarps, rake the infield and lay down the chalk. Then you can have 15-20 min to throw to your kid, or work on his fielding. It all helps.

Do coaches favor their own kids for stuff? Sure. It’s a trade off. My kid has to come home from school, get into his uniform right away, and be ready to go to get to the field by 4:30 for the 6:00 game. When we get there, we will get the field ready, and warm up. Hopefully, there is time to work on something for a few minutes before others arrive. Often there is not. We play the game. Afterwords, my kid helps take the field, lay the tarps, and pick up trash so it’s good to go the next day.

Want your kid to bat in the first 6-7 in the order and play a couple of innings in the infield? Volunteer. Be the guy who is first to the field and last to leave one game a week.

That’s just coaching. Folks also do league administration. Get involved. Teams need to be formed. Tryouts need fields or gyms. Fields have to be prepared. Equipment needs to be gone through and replaced/repaired so every team has gear. Schedules need to be made. Umpires need to be found, trained and paid. There’s lots to do. What are you doing to make sure it all runs smoothly?

This is great advice; many of us raise our hands and do whatever we can to pitch in. However, even our club programs are run by dads. My kid did a ton of extra training to develop skills, and the team dads complained that he's skilled but not a team player, even though he had the second most assists on the team that year. He was never chosen for special teams, even though his stats have always been good. All but one of the kids that get the most playing time had a dad on the bench or on the board of the club. He was never invited to off-season tournament teams with the group of local kids. And before jumping to conclusions, I am not a difficult parent. I get my kid to practice early and don't complain or gossip with other parents. It's nice to be able to vent here because I don't do it otherwise. We were never on the inside, and my kid was vulnerable to his playing time being compromised because he didn't have a strong dad to stand up for him along the way. We found opportunities along the way so he could continue to develop, and eventually, we found teams that were less influenced by the dad squad.