Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

You are clearly a bitter, bitter woman. You should get some therapy. Seriously -- it could help a lot.

You son's father is his father, whether you like it now or not (and you had some say in that, you know). So yes, for the good of your son, bite your tongue and let him figure out his own relationships. At this point, their relationship is theirs, and has nothing to do with you.

I don't forbid him from communicating with his dad or having whatever relationship they do or don't have. I don't even speak about his father. But specific to this achievement, this very costly achievement I paid for and I raised him to be prepared for, why should the deadbeat share any of the ceremony? And bring along his wife so he can dupe her into thinking he had anything to do with it. He was a pure detriment to this for the last 22 years. I'm a bit surprised so many of you are saying he should be there and be allowed to bask in the milestone.

It is your child’s milestone, not yours. The child gets to decide. You don’t say anything, smile, be proud and take pictures.

[Anonymous]

Let him come and bring the Wife. That way you can tell her in person he didn’t contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

You are clearly a bitter, bitter woman. You should get some therapy. Seriously -- it could help a lot.

You son's father is his father, whether you like it now or not (and you had some say in that, you know). So yes, for the good of your son, bite your tongue and let him figure out his own relationships. At this point, their relationship is theirs, and has nothing to do with you.

I don't forbid him from communicating with his dad or having whatever relationship they do or don't have. I don't even speak about his father. But specific to this achievement, this very costly achievement I paid for and I raised him to be prepared for, why should the deadbeat share any of the ceremony? And bring along his wife so he can dupe her into thinking he had anything to do with it. He was a pure detriment to this for the last 22 years. I'm a bit surprised so many of you are saying he should be there and be allowed to bask in the milestone.

It is your child’s milestone, not yours. The child gets to decide. You don’t say anything, smile, be proud and take pictures.

The kid is busy.
He’ll do whatever the loudest parent says to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

I don't make scenes. I have been in the same room with him, his wife, and my son a handful of occasions. It's just specific to this milestone, which cost me a lot of sweat, money and sacrifices, I'm not okay with it. It's a bridge too far. I'm not going along with his con game and it's a slap in the face to me and what I've done to get my son this far.

please don’t punish your son like this. He did nothing to deserve the divorce. Coming from a broken home is an awful position and he’s trying to make the best of it. I don’t care who is at fault here. The one person who isn’t is your son. Be the grown up not the child and don’t burden your divorce pain upon him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

This.

I invited my dad. A truly awful person.

It wasn’t about the money for me. I wanted him to see me hit that milestone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

This is the problem, OP. You are viewing the graduation as a chance to pat yourself on the back for helping your kid get to/through college. You do deserve a pat on the back for that, but the graduation ceremony is not it. That is about your kid feeling proud of his accomplishment, and about him wanting to know that his parent (parents?) are also proud. If your son has been rejected by his dad his whole life not having him at the ceremony may feel like one more rejection. If dad comes, hugs him, puts on a show with new wife and takes a picture, that might feel good. IDK, I'm not your kid. But you spewing bitterness about the dad joining in on your day is not the way to go.

When is graduation? Do you have time to talk to a therapist about this? If you can get yourself to the point where you can have a mature conversation with your son about it, that might actually be really healing for both of you. But you are not there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

I don't make scenes. I have been in the same room with him, his wife, and my son a handful of occasions. It's just specific to this milestone, which cost me a lot of sweat, money and sacrifices, I'm not okay with it. It's a bridge too far. I'm not going along with his con game and it's a slap in the face to me and what I've done to get my son this far.

I'm the PP you're responding to here and I understand how you feel, but I am just saying - tread carefully. This is a story that has played out many many, times and the martyr single mother pretty much NEVER wins here. Because to you, the win you seek is your ex being shut out and the whole world knowing that the ex was a deadbeat and that you did it all yourself and that you should deserve all the praise and glory. This win, that your son already knows full well, will HURT your son publicly. No one wants the world to know how messed up your parent is, or that you were somehow not worthy enough for that dad to stay in your life and support you all those years. No one wants to be at their graduation and have a friend say, "where's your dad?" and then you have to respond "my mom didn't want me to invite him" or "he couldn't make it." You winning here absolutely has the potential to damage your son's ego in the process and push him away from you. How is it a slap in the face if he posts on facebook that he's so proud to see little Johnny graduate from Harvard? You don't win some prize for this. Your prize is your son, who has made it thus far, and no matter who is there or not, you should be proud of him and proud of yourself. No one can take that away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about your son, not you. Your son decides and you support the decision he makes.

The only reason that young man is in college is because of my (and my husband’s) parenting and our labor.

Doesn't matter. The young man is an adult and can make his own decisions. It's not his fault his dad wasn't in his life (not saying it was yours either, op), but it's also not his fault to still want a relationship with his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your decision Jesus your adult son makes the decision not you!

Plus 1. Give it up, OP. This is about what your son wants. It’s not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

Yes. Your son gets to decide. You sound angry and bitter. Not a good look and that’s hurting your son. Get yourself some therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand where you are coming from and just like you I paid for DS college. So yes, I have a say on who he invites to his graduation. His father and his deadbeat relatives who never had any interest in him were NOT invited. But they can sure brag he went to a nice school.

[Anonymous]

OP, please let this be your son's decision - and let this be his day. My parents divorced while I was in college and I would have loved for them to be able to put their differences aside for me on my graduation day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what you have paid for. You paid for his college education. You didn’t buy his soul. And you didn’t do the work to graduate, he did.

You were the one who messed up by having a kid with this man. You have to bear the consequences, one of which is that you may have to put up with him appearing occasionally at events, like weddings, that he didn’t pay for and by rights shouldn’t be attending. If you don’t like it, you should have kept your legs closed, or taken precautions, 22 years ago.

I'm not paying for his wedding, so he can invite whomever he wants to that. This is a six-figure college degree I literally did pay for. And I paid untold sums and made untold sacrifices to make sure he was even prepared for this milestone. His father's actions, or inaction, for the last 22 years would have him digging ditches or in jail.

The deadbeat would only want to be there to steal credit for something he didn't help with, take photos for social media, and dupe his new wife. I'm not going to be complicit in that. Let him explain why he's not invited. She clearly has no idea the caliber of loser she married.

BFD. We all do that. That’s our job as parents. You don’t win a gold medal. Grow up. You sound awful. Your poor son. I hope you are a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

Yeah and you're a regular Marilyn Vos Savant for breeding with Mr. Useless too. Plenty of credit to spread around. What's your excuse? Your panties magically tend to fall down to your ankles when you do too many jello shots and make you bang derelicts without using birth control? What's the back story to all this, Little Miss Sunshine?

She did much better by not hooking up with.....you.

[Anonymous]

OP is so obviously off the hook that the dad is probably a good guy and she's just having paranoid delusions