Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

Are the tickets limited to this event?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

I don't make scenes. I have been in the same room with him, his wife, and my son a handful of occasions. It's just specific to this milestone, which cost me a lot of sweat, money and sacrifices, I'm not okay with it. It's a bridge too far. I'm not going along with his con game and it's a slap in the face to me and what I've done to get my son this far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

I don't make scenes. I have been in the same room with him, his wife, and my son a handful of occasions. It's just specific to this milestone, which cost me a lot of sweat, money and sacrifices, I'm not okay with it. It's a bridge too far. I'm not going along with his con game and it's a slap in the face to me and what I've done to get my son this far.

Go along with what? The dad hasn't brought it up. Your son isn't bringing it up. Why are you freaking out about this?

[Anonymous]

He's doing back pay for child support? Tell us more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the tickets limited to this event?

I'm not exactly sure. But it's a fairly prestigious university and a distance away, so at the very least he wouldn't know where exactly to go were he not invited and given details on my son's specific degree ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

You responded to my post (man here).
I'm not the OP.
I agree that she can't block the Dad or shouldn't.
I sure as H wish the son would though.
I no longer have my mom to celebrate the holiday season, but I take some happiness knowing that she always knew how much I loved her and respected her sacrifices for me.
My dad wasn't even a deadbeat dad.
He died of a massive heart attack when I was in grade school and my mom was immediately presented with the significant life challenges.

[Anonymous]

Let your son handle it.

If he asks you just say “I don’t know how I feel about it. We’ve been through a lot and I’m so proud of you and us.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's doing back pay for child support? Tell us more

It's nothing I've done. I think it's super old court stuff automatically taking a percentage of his paychecks. I randomly started seeing deposits into my oldest checking account and my son mentioned he's finally got a job, so I put two and two together.

[Anonymous]

Meanwhile i sure as H would not bring it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom paid for college, she invited my Dad. I treasure the photo I have with him (he died when I was in my 20s).

Why do you treasure it? Because he died and that’s all there is plus some romantic version of how he might have been in your 30s and 40s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

I don't make scenes. I have been in the same room with him, his wife, and my son a handful of occasions. It's just specific to this milestone, which cost me a lot of sweat, money and sacrifices, I'm not okay with it. It's a bridge too far. I'm not going along with his con game and it's a slap in the face to me and what I've done to get my son this far.

Go along with what? The dad hasn't brought it up. Your son isn't bringing it up. Why are you freaking out about this?

My son's about to be home for break, before his final semester begins in January. It's the last time I'll see him in person before the graduation ceremony in the spring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

I don't make scenes. I have been in the same room with him, his wife, and my son a handful of occasions. It's just specific to this milestone, which cost me a lot of sweat, money and sacrifices, I'm not okay with it. It's a bridge too far. I'm not going along with his con game and it's a slap in the face to me and what I've done to get my son this far.

Go along with what? The dad hasn't brought it up. Your son isn't bringing it up. Why are you freaking out about this?

My son's about to be home for break, before his final semester begins in January. It's the last time I'll see him in person before the graduation ceremony in the spring.

Maybe you could write a letter in the meantime since communication is so difficult. Maybe the Pony Express can get it there before May.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kid wants him there.

Most 22 year old kids are pushovers, including my son. Weasel deadbeat dad will randomly ask him when it is and invite himself, knowing my son doesn't have the backbone to tell him he doesn't want him and his wife there. Or knowing he wouldn't have the backbone to tell him why it's disrespectful to my mother (me) for him to be there when he didn't support him age 0 through 22.

If the deadbeat wants to take him out to dinner or something the week of the ceremony or whatever the case, sure, do that. But coming to the ceremony and putting on a show like he contributed anything to this? I am not okay with that. At all.

Agree

NP

He wants brownie points with his new wife; who knows what he told her. Maybe his currently little trickle of 10-20 years late child support is a show for her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I’m the pp you are responding to and I’m raising 2 kids on my own without support from their dad who hasn’t seen them in 10 years.

They aren’t in HS yet so who knows what challenges lay ahead. But this is HIS achievement, not yours.

As a single parent you must imagine these future events and how you may react to them - graduations, wedding, family parties, etc. I do. I prepare mentally for them. I’m as comfortable as I possibly can be with supporting whatever choice they make. It’s their life/achievements/celebrations, etc. I just want them to be happy in THEIR moment.

And also be ready to ignore the Deadbeats who try to pretend to be the hero Dad who made it happen.

[Anonymous]

Your kid decides, not you.