Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom paid for college, she invited my Dad. I treasure the photo I have with him (he died when I was in my 20s).

Why do you treasure it? Because he died and that’s all there is plus some romantic version of how he might have been in your 30s and 40s?

No because I knew how much my Mom had done for me, and also knew my Dad was proud of me and thankfully he and my Mom got along and she wanted him to share in MY joy. (Married young, split when I was 12 Yada Yada). The older I get the more I see what my Mom did for me (I have college age children now, both parents now deceased).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about your son, not you. Your son decides and you support the decision he makes.

The only reason that young man is in college is because of my (and my husband’s) parenting and our labor.

Doesn't matter. The young man is an adult and can make his own decisions. It's not his fault his dad wasn't in his life (not saying it was yours either, op), but it's also not his fault to still want a relationship with his dad.

This is a stretch. How does not being invited to a single event equate to me not wanting him to have a relationship with his father? I say nothing about him seeing or communicating with his father. I simply don't want him at the graduation ceremony. A ceremony only happening because I've paid for his college the last four years (and prepared from for college the 18 years before that). It'd be like inviting him to a $100,000 steak dinner I'm paying for. Maybe I'd consider letting him come, if he first wants to write me a $50,000 check for a surf and turf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

Yeah and you're a regular Marilyn Vos Savant for breeding with Mr. Useless too. Plenty of credit to spread around. What's your excuse? Your panties magically tend to fall down to your ankles when you do too many jello shots and make you bang derelicts without using birth control? What's the back story to all this, Little Miss Sunshine?

She did much better by not hooking up with.....you.

Hook up with me? I wouldn't touch that nut job with a ten foot pole. She's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand where you are coming from and just like you I paid for DS college. So yes, I have a say on who he invites to his graduation. His father and his deadbeat relatives who never had any interest in him were NOT invited. But they can sure brag he went to a nice school.

Was this past tense or you mean college graduation in the near future? If former, please explain how this went. Did you tell your son no or son had no interest in inviting them? Did they try to invite themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about your son, not you. Your son decides and you support the decision he makes.

The only reason that young man is in college is because of my (and my husband’s) parenting and our labor.

Doesn't matter. The young man is an adult and can make his own decisions. It's not his fault his dad wasn't in his life (not saying it was yours either, op), but it's also not his fault to still want a relationship with his dad.

This is a stretch. How does not being invited to a single event equate to me not wanting him to have a relationship with his father? I say nothing about him seeing or communicating with his father. I simply don't want him at the graduation ceremony. A ceremony only happening because I've paid for his college the last four years (and prepared from for college the 18 years before that). It'd be like inviting him to a $100,000 steak dinner I'm paying for. Maybe I'd consider letting him come, if he first wants to write me a $50,000 check for a surf and turf.

I hope you are not saying such things in front of your son. You will freeze him out. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop obsessing that you paid money for this. You paid for his education and that's what you got. You didn't pay for the right to exclude his father. That's not something a college is going to sell you.

And the PP who said you shouldn't humiliate your son by calling attention to this situation was spot on. It's best for your son to present a socially acceptable family in public. So do what's best for your son and that means you don't make a scene.

You chose this man to be your son's father, right?

[Anonymous]

OP, let your son decide who he wants to have there. It’s his day.

Then throw a big party at your house for extended friends and family and invite the people who supported your son for the past 22 years. Your house, your invite list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about your son, not you. Your son decides and you support the decision he makes.

The only reason that young man is in college is because of my (and my husband’s) parenting and our labor.

Doesn't matter. The young man is an adult and can make his own decisions. It's not his fault his dad wasn't in his life (not saying it was yours either, op), but it's also not his fault to still want a relationship with his dad.

This is a stretch. How does not being invited to a single event equate to me not wanting him to have a relationship with his father? I say nothing about him seeing or communicating with his father. I simply don't want him at the graduation ceremony. A ceremony only happening because I've paid for his college the last four years (and prepared from for college the 18 years before that). It'd be like inviting him to a $100,000 steak dinner I'm paying for. Maybe I'd consider letting him come, if he first wants to write me a $50,000 check for a surf and turf.

The graduation tickets belong to the graduate. Which is not you. Are.you a thief OP? Are you going to steal them?

No not a thief, but you're an abusive parent. That's your style. Abuse harass and humiliate your son, and guilt him, to get your way.

Your undisguised contempt for your own son matches the contempt you have for his father, and likely, for all men.

You are a terrible mother. A very good match for the terrible man you say you procreated with. Two equally bad parents.

[Anonymous]

Aren't most parts of a graduation open to the public anyway? So it's not really your "invitation" to grant or withhold. What are you going to do if your ex shows up, make a scene?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

This is the problem, OP. You are viewing the graduation as a chance to pat yourself on the back for helping your kid get to/through college. You do deserve a pat on the back for that, but the graduation ceremony is not it. That is about your kid feeling proud of his accomplishment, and about him wanting to know that his parent (parents?) are also proud. If your son has been rejected by his dad his whole life not having him at the ceremony may feel like one more rejection. If dad comes, hugs him, puts on a show with new wife and takes a picture, that might feel good. IDK, I'm not your kid. But you spewing bitterness about the dad joining in on your day is not the way to go.

When is graduation? Do you have time to talk to a therapist about this? If you can get yourself to the point where you can have a mature conversation with your son about it, that might actually be really healing for both of you. But you are not there yet.

I'm really not putting the milestone on a pedestal at all. Maybe I'll get more emotional about it when it happens, I'm not sure. And I'm not bitter at all. I'm just trying to be open and honest in an anonymous thread. I don't think it's appropriate for a deadbeat who was most detrimental to this even happening, who didn't pay a cent of the degree's six-figure cost, should bask in the perceived parental glory of it, put on a charade, and con his wife (and social media friend group). If my son wants to see him a day before or day after, so be it.

[Anonymous]

How are you going to stop your son from inviting his father? You seem very, very controlling and very, very bitter.

Remember you chose this man, right? Your son did not choose to be in this situation at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop obsessing that you paid money for this. You paid for his education and that's what you got. You didn't pay for the right to exclude his father. That's not something a college is going to sell you.

And the PP who said you shouldn't humiliate your son by calling attention to this situation was spot on. It's best for your son to present a socially acceptable family in public. So do what's best for your son and that means you don't make a scene.

You chose this man to be your son's father, right?

Don't shift this to me. The deadbeat grown man is responsible for his lack of contributions over 22 years. Raising a child is a group project, sending a child to college in 2023 costs six-figures. You don't get to blow off a group project, then show up after the presentation and sign your name thinking you're entitled to an A grade with everyone who did the work. That's what he will try to pull. Blew off a 22 year long group project!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you going to stop your son from inviting his father? You seem very, very controlling and very, very bitter.

Remember you chose this man, right? Your son did not choose to be in this situation at all.

It was a lapse in judgment when I was very young. I wasn't ever married to this man.

[Anonymous]

Your bitterness is going to deep out and poison your SON’s moment. He is 1/2 you; 1/2 Dad. Your hate and resentment for Dad is going to flay your son. You are wounding your relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Seep out (not deep)